( As usual Bigot-Johnson, the scourge of the District Crown Court, was in the dock again facing a private prosecution for malicious persecution. The victim of this alleged crime was none other than Percy Pantopod, a fellow club member of the Walnut Tree Allotment BC. Bigot, almost an expert in the art of defending himself, was full of confidence, having only to face the inexperienced Percy who took on the role of prosecutor . An extract from the trial's transcript appears below. )
Percy : Have you and I ever had a civil relationship ?
Bigot : Has the Virgin Mary ever slept with the Devil ?
Percy : Well answer me this. Do you go out of your way to humiliate me at the table, and to embarrass me in front of my peers ?
Bigot : No...no...no. I have never had to do anything at the tables.........you just simply humiliate and embarrass yourself with your inept play and dumb remarks. You have a natural gift for being a buffoon. And as for being ridiculed in front of your peers......well, since everyone treats you as the club buffoon, it patently obvious you've got no peers !
Percy : What....you mean to say that I am a man of such little reputation, club members look upon me as a complete non-entity as well as a fool ?
Bigot : Upon my soul, your perceptiveness surprises me . And you have such a way with words. I'm beginning to warm to you a bit.
Percy : But was it not the case that during the club's " Individual " event, I not only had to partner you but also play against on three or four occasions.
Bigot : Yes...
Percy : And do you recall that penultimate round when we were finally paired together ?
Bigot : Yes...
Percy : And because you knew I was on the verge of winning this competition for the first time, you failed to raise my ( 15-17 ) 1NT....... on a decent 9 count......... on two consecutive hands.
Bigot : I was trying to ensure you came away from these two boards with positive scores. I've seen your declarer play....and it isn't pretty. So please do not interpret my " pity " as something akin to an insult, or an act of malicious persecution.
Percy : But on both contracts I made 10 tricks !
Bigot : Yes, with helpful defence, you did manage to raise your game from abysmal to just short of mediocre...
Percy : Ah... but then we come to all those incidents where you were sitting in the opposite direction. You ignored all my chat and social pleasantries by constantly scribbling away on tatty pieces of paper ......like a man possessed.
Bigot : Quite so, I was composing letters of complaint about your lack of personal hygiene, not to mention a few more anonymous poison pen-letters and hate mail..... a tradition that has been going on now for several years.
Percy : Judge ....did you just hear that confession ?
Judge : Sorry ...no....I was just nodding off...
Percy : Bigot...will you repeat what you said to me for the benefit of this docile and dopey judge ?
Bigot : No....I do not wish to prejudice my defence .....for a second time
Percy : Well, I have nothing more then to say..
Bigot : Thank God for that...
Judge : Well, I'm with you on this one Bigot. This Percy fellow is indeed a prat. In my view there is no evidence of malicious persecution, only evidence of a caring and considerate man ( namely yourself ), taking up a great deal of his precious time to inform this prat that he is indeed a complete one. Some men deserve the contempt of others and Pantopod belongs to such an unfortunate group.
Percy : Why.....this ruling is an outrage. Call this justice ? Can't you do anything that is right !
Judge : Yes....I damn well can.....officers, arrest this man for contempt of court.....and take him down to the cells.
Bigot : Well.....I'm so flabbergasted.....you could shag me with a rag man's trumpet..
Judge : Is that colloquialism for " bugger me " ?
Bigot : Indeed it is....
Judge : So will a trombone do ? .....because as it happens, I have a rather large one in my chambers......