LAW REPORT : R v. BIGOT-JOHNSON (2011 )

( For the umpteenth time Bigot-Johnson was hauled before a Crown Court judge. The courtroom was packed with members from the Walnut tree Allotment BC, all eager to see him go down, just like they do whenever he's declarer in a doubled contract. A short extract from the trial's transcript can be seen below. )

Prosecutor ( P ) : Bigot-Johnson....you are charged with thieving on such a scale your soul must already be earmarked for damnation

B-J : But...but....these allegations are both false and malicious. I may be a monstrous bigot but I'm not a thief. Anyway, I want to know which bastards are responsible for these outrageous accusations.

P : All the members of your bridge club......those smiling people up there in the galleries

B-J : What ! Those whinging, whining toe rags.....I swear to God they are out to get me. Not only do they speak with forked tongues ..... most of them being of dirty brown colour.........but they talk absolute crap.

P : That may well be your opinion of them, but I beg to differ. Anyway, let's review the law before looking at the facts. Theft is defined as the dishonest appropriation of property belonging to another with the intention to permanent deprive.......

B-J : Yes...yes....but what is it I've been accused of stealing ?

P : Well, there has been several reported incidents of you stealing contracts right underneath the opponents' noses. Not content with doing that......you then try to steal tricks whenever, and wherever, you can.......especially from pairs of unsuspecting numpties.

B-J : Yes...yes...but these terms are nothing more than colloquialisms......without any legal substance to their meanings. So please tell me...... what property has allegedly been stolen ?

P : May I remind you that " property " is not necessarily related to tangible objects......just things of value. Contracts and tricks are of immense value to your opponents, and for you to wrongfully take possession of these things makes you criminally liable. Your devious bids and deceptive play have clearly established the mens rea of dishonest intent.

B-J : Oh.....

P : Moreover, you have repeatedly boasted about your thieving exploits to all and sundry in the bar...... confessions ...in effect..... about picking the opponents' pockets , and getting away with daylight robbery. Heinous crimes that club members feel very upset about.

B-J : Is that it ?

P : No...... there's more ...

Judge : Surely not.....

P : I'm afraid so....you have been seen on numerous occasions stealing glances at the opponents' cards.........stealing a march on your opponents.........stealing their thunder.......and worse still.....forever striving to steal the show.......... such is your desperation for glory and fame. You sir are a thief.......a pilferer.......a pillager......a plunderer.......someone who deserves to be banged up for a long time !

Judge : Rely on me to see to that.....

B-J : Well, I'll be buggered....

Judge : Yes, indeed you will.....because where you're going...... you can expect that to become a reality