Thursday 21 July 2011

A NEARLY TRUE ACCOUNT OF WHAT WENT OFF IN BIGOT-JOHNSON'S LATEST COURTROOM DRAMA........ ( Article by Bridgemeister Gibson )
A few weeks ago Bigot-Johnson turned up at Doncaster Crown Court to face two charges: (i) aggravated assault, and (ii) attempted murder. Apparently, Bigot had started to turn up to regular duplicate events in a dark black suit, with a workman's hammer concealed in an inside pocket.
Claiming that he only carried the weapon to defend himself in case of attack from Pantopod's followers, most savvy members knew of its existence and its true purpose. Bigot was always prepared to give his hapless partner a right going-over, clearly convinced that the only way to ram a message home was to hammer it home.
However, after his last partner felt the full force of his instant on-the-spot lesson in bidding, Bigot was finally arrested. At the trial an unbelievable question and answer exchange then took place, being the most memorable one ever to be documented in the All England Law Reports. Not only did the exchange enthrall the privileged few who were present in the courtroom that day , but also the thousands who managed to track down the relevant extract from the trial's transcript ( which now appears below ) :
Prosecutor : Bigot....you are charged with beating Ed Reilly Aikin with a hammer..... the incident taking place at the Slaughter House Bridge Club on May 10th 2011.......... in front of 4o or so witnesses
Man ( in the public gallery ) : You bastard......
Prosecutor : You are also charged with the attempted murder of Ivor Badleigh-Hurthead with a hammer.......... at the same venue on May 31st ..... again in front of countless witnesses
The same man : You bastard......
Judge : Excuse me sir.....I can understand your anger and frustration over these heinous and dreadful crimes , but I will not tolerate any more of these outbursts.....otherwise I will charge you with contempt of court ! Now is that a problem ?
Man : Listen, your honour..... I 've only just moved in next door to this sly evil toe-rag, and I often went round to his house to see if he had a hammer I could borrow for a bit of DIY work ....but on each occasion he told me categorically that he didn't own one.....
Prosecutor : Might I be allowed to continue.....
Judge : Yes...yes
Prosecutor : Did you , Bigot, attempt to murder...............
B-J : No, I did not
Prosecutor : Oh...........and do you know what the penalties are for perjury ?
B-J : Yes I do....and they are a damn sight less than they are for attempted murder
Judge : Bigot.....do you understand that you have sworn to tell the truth
B-J : Yes....of course I do
Judge : And do you understand what will happen if you are not truthful ?
B-J : Sure.... because based upon my vast experience of courtroom tactics , lying has always proved highly successful......
Judge : Someone fetch me my black cap.....

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