Saturday, 31 August 2013

A GLIMPSE INTO WHAT THOUGHTS GO THROUGH A BRIDGE PLAYER'S MIND DURING AN AUCTION..........

( The other day I , Bigot-Johnson , was on a roll. For once Lady Luck was on my side and my partner and I spent the whole evening walking on water. Could anything go wrong ? Well....up came board 4 on which I picked up.... x....K109xxx....xxxxx....A......and as the auction proceeded these were the thoughts that raced through my head )

1S (by RHO) : .........Typical......yet another miserable collection of HCPs but at least my hand's got shape
Double :  I know it's naughty..... since we've got Michaels down on our system's cards.....but hey, this bid certainly doesn't give the opponents a clue about my shape.....or lack of HCPs....and what's more.... there's a 2 in 3 chance partner has a fit with me in the red suits. 
4S :  Bugger me.....I guess my frisky double didn't put them off one bloody jot.....if this gets passed out , I could still try an even friskier 4NT , but at this vulnerability it would be the act of a mad man. As for defence , it is possible for partner to turn up with the Ace of hearts.... giving us the first 4 tricks......club Ace, heart Ace, club ruff, and then the King of hearts as the setting trick. Ah well, there is some hope...
5C : Oh my God....I'm doomed.....this contract could be a total screw up , especially when I can only provide one certain trick.....THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU BID LIKE A PRAT !! Somebody get me a brown paper bag to put over my head......
Pass : What a wimp  ......can't he see we're in a barrel load of trouble......surely , they must have the majority of points....and defensive tricks to boot.......I certainly daren't pull it and if 4S is making , then 6 off undoubled is still a reasonable score
Pass : Please God don't let my LHO double.....otherwise I'm in a right pickle as to what to do for the best......may be a SOS redouble is an option asking partner to bid her longest red suit....Jesus this is disaster about to happen.....and it's all down to me
Pass : What the hell is going on here.....have the opponents lost the plot ? Do they subscribe to the mantra not to compete to the 5-level ? Are they fearful of doubling, allowing us run to a superior red suit contract ?  Or they are gutless yellow-bellies ?       Who cares.........I'm pretty certain 4S is making......

With 5C the final contract , West opening lead was the K of spades , followed by the Ace. " What the hell was this magical thinking all about ?  Did he want declarer to use up the Ace of clubs as a ruff  thereby promoting a club honour ( or two ) if East held the queen ? "   I was witnessing a farce with absolute disbelief. After ruffing the second spade, partner crossed to her Ace of hearts and proceeded to rattle off her 8 club tricks. " Yes.....miracles do happen at the bridge table. " By now the defenders were completely shell shocked. So much so East came down to the jack of hearts and the Ace of diamonds , allowing declarer to take the last two tricks with dummy's K10 of hearts. This was the full hand :



Would you Adam and Eve it.....plus 620 .....and our good fortune didn't stop there either.......it carried on all night .
    


Thursday, 29 August 2013

BIGOT MAKES HIS CONFESSION.......a nearly true story by Bridgemeister Gibson

( Racked with guilt Bigot-Johnson decides the time has come to make his confession to the local parish priest , and what follows is the transcript of this remarkable incident )

B-J : Father..... I need to redeem myself before I go.....
Father ( F) : That's alright ......just what sin do you want to confess ?
B-J : What sin !.......Listen father I talking dozens here......big ones.....whoppers ......sins I've committed almost every day of my adult life
F : Then start your confession my son......
B-J : Well first off there's my addiction to the pursuit of pleasure which has cost me my job, marriage and friends
F : The devil puts many temptations in front of us all
B-J : Then there's my constant desire to punish and exploit vulnerable people......especially the old and infirmed
F : Oh dear.....
B-J : Never a day has gone by without me resorting to cheating in my quest for fame, glory and money. Lying and deceiving people is what I set out to do......all the time...... without feeling any kind of regret or remorse whatsoever
F : I fear the devil has had a strong hold over you
B-J : And what's more I am a bully, who heaps scorn and abuse on those who are with me and against me. No one escapes the lashings of a my sharp tongue and cruel vitriolic insults. I am both intolerant and unforgiving......yet I come here asking forgiveness from you and the church
F : My God.....what sort of life have you led all the years ?
B-J : Nothing out of the ordinary.....I'm just your typical , everyday sort of bridge player
   

Wednesday, 28 August 2013

ANOTHER
SNIPPET
FROM
ONE OF
BIGOT-
JOHNSON'S
TRIALS

........
........
........
........
Judge : What you again, Bigot !  What in heaven's name are you being charged with now ?
B-J : Public nuisance of all things. Neighbours are claiming the Slaughter House Bridge Club is attracting the wrong sort of individuals into the area , alleging that what goes on inside my premises are the activities and practices of devil worshippers, sadists and lunatics . At top of that they complain about the disruptive use of road side parking by our members, the frequent and noisy disturbances caused by partnership altercations getting out of control, and the excessive number of dangerously large holes being dug all over the grounds.
Judge : Oh....
B-J : Indeed, what do they expect when I choose to set up an exclusive club for fun loving revellers in a quiet law abiding, church going residential district. Why one of them even alleged that my large front of property neon sign was an offensive eyesore, when it carried the message : " would all members please make their entry by the back passage ". 
Judge : Yes....yes.....but I see what they are coming from ......so I take it then Bigot .......you will be defending yourself as you have always done ?
B-J : Not this time your Honour.....I've called in Naomi Sanders right at the death.....she's a top class lawyer who specialises in getting guilty people off  
Judge : Well, I assume she has managed to look at your briefs ?
B-J : No...... not really.......the poor woman tried but the putrid smell overcame her.....I haven't got round to changing them in weeks.....       

Saturday, 24 August 2013

DID YOU KNOW THAT THE HUMPTY DUMPTY NURSERY RHYME WAS BASED ON AN ORIGINAL BRIDGE-RELATED POETIC MASTERPIECE....( A sensational discovery by Dr. Sigmund T. Schukelgruber )

Yes , my unbelievable find now proves that long before Humpty Dumpty came onto the scene , Sir Francis Dashwood had put into print a masterful poem about a hapless and errant bridge player called Numpty Numpty. And so for your delight and pleasure,  I present you with this literary masterpiece, which against all the odds turned up at a car boot , sealed behind a framed picture of cavorting nudes , which no doubt was hung up on the main wall of the infamous Hell Fire Bridge Club. 

Numpty Numpty had reached the top table
But holding this position he was clearly unable
Panic set in and he made a bad call
The consequence of which was a terrible fall
His partner tried to stop the rot
But Numpty's confidence was totally shot
Attempts to help him were all in vain
He was too consumed with guilt and pain
With him rocketing down to table thirty
Partner's looks became black and dirty
As the great fall gathered more pace
Partner then punched him full in the face
Numpty of course crashed to the ground
His ego all terribly shattered
But players relentlessly carried on
Since nothing but bridge really mattered
So with Numpty in bits and tiny pieces 
At least two thousand and ten
Everyone thought " what's the point of trying
To put him back together again ? "




















  





Thursday, 22 August 2013

HUMAN NATURE : SOME IRREFUTABLE TRUTHS.....( Article by Professor Hu Chi Ku Chi )

Management committees are always on a hiding to nothing. Often they fall victim to ridicule and scorn. Other times they become the subject of criticism and abuse. But committee members , just like those who voted them in , are human......and therefore it comes as no surprise to see many of the laws relating to human nature now established as irrefutable truths.
So let's take a look at some of these laws , which both dictate and describe The Human Condition, and then perhaps you will begin to see committees in a much more sympathetic light.

1. Ruckert's Law : There is nothing so small that it can't be blown out of all proportion
2. O'Brien's Law : Nothing is ever done for the right reasons
3. Wethern's Law of Suspended Judgement : Assumption is the mother of all screw-ups
4. The Snafu Equation : The bit of information most needed is least sought after
5. Seay's Law : Nothing ever comes out as planned
6. Rule of Courtroom Disputes : Truth varies
7. Law of the Lie : No matter how often the lie is shown to be false, there will remain a 
    percentage of people who believe it true
8. Borkowski's Law : You can't guard against the arbitrary
9. Levy's 9th Law :  Only God can make a random selection
10. Mckernan's Maxim : Those who are unable to learn from past mistakes are condemned 
     to repeat them
11. Kohn's Corollary to Murphy's Law : Two wrongs are only the beginning
12. Conway's Law : In any organisation there will always be one person who knows what is 
     going on : eventually this person will be fired
13. Ferguson's Precept : A crisis is when you can't say " it will all blow away "
14. Evan's and Bjorn's Law : No matter what goes wrong, there is always somebody who
     knew it would
15. Sod's 2nd Law : Complex problems have simple, easy to find wrong answers
16. Drazen's Law of Restitution : The time it takes to rectify a situation is inversely proportional
     to the time it takes to do the damage
17. Hane's Law : There is no limit to how bad things can get
18. Law of Probable Dispersion : Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed
19. Dude's Law of Duality : Of two possible events only the undesired one will occur
20. Rudin's Law : In a crisis situation , which forces people to consider alternative courses of 
       action , most people will choose the worst possible one

So yes.....to err is human 

Tuesday, 20 August 2013

BIGOT ON BIGOTRY : HOW TO BECOME THE ULTIMATE BIGOT

What the hell does Carp know about bigotry ! You have to be a master of your craft if you seek to be an authority on the subject. Moreover, if you want to be the consummate bigot then you need to follow my 15 point plan, which is outlined below :

1. Fill your mind with prejudices, hatred and a whole load negative beliefs
2. Adopt extreme opinions on a whole range of subjects which border on demonic insanity
3. Close your mind and eyes to any unpalatable truths that challenge your deeply held prejudices
4. Judge people purely on suspicion, superstition ,  rumours , propaganda , prejudice and bias
5. Religiously overstate , and stubbornly rely upon , any flimsy or irrelevant facts on which you eagerly feed your prejudices
6. Spend all your time in the company of like-minded bigots and grovelling sycophants 
7. Create your own speculative rumours about people you dislike, which will over time circuit their way back to you as irrefutable truths  
7. Make wild assumptions, and then carefully set about seeking and selecting pathetic scraps of evidence which tend to support them
8. Never answer awkward questions : learn to be evasive when put under close scrutiny
9. Always accuse your critics of being bigoted and intolerant
10. In an emergency fall back on biblical references to support your bigoted views
11. Become an ardent follower of  the extreme teachings of crazed fanatics
12. Target potential victims on the basis of some less publicised or more subjective factors 
( which might well allow your bigotry to go undetected )
13. Alternatively, target your victims even more indirectly by finding some activity or trait associated with them, and speak against the trait rather than the group
14. Best of all is to use the noble and most effective way to act upon your prejudice : a devious technique called extra inclusion. This works by going out of your way to treat several groups with a perception of acceptance and open-mindedness, while deliberately excluding any reference to your target group(s). The inference then taken from their exclusion speaks volumes about how you view them as worthless,  irrelevant and annoying.
15. Master the art of holding court making sure you have a large attentive audience for all your indoctrinating bile.

     

Monday, 19 August 2013

CARP ON BIGOTRY.............

In all walks of life one will encounter bigotry, and bridge clubs are no exceptions given the age profile, and the privileged and managerial background,  of its members. 
Bigotry is a wretched form of blindness. It is ignorance in action, and as E.H. Chapin astutely observed " it dwarfs the soul by shutting out the truth ". The blindfolds of intolerance and narrow mindedness are inevitably made from the strands of prejudice, woven tightly together to form a hard impenetrable material. 
Often the bigot conditions him/herself to be obstinately and zealously attracted to an opinion that no other rational thinking person  would ever entertain. They seize on anything or anybody in support of their prejudices, refusing to accept alternative views which are based on solid evidence and well established truths. " Bigotry tries to keep truth safe in its hands with a grip that kills it " ( Tagore Rabindranath ). Indeed , true bigotry is when people can't see the facts because their beliefs are blocking the way. 
Inside bridge clubs bigotry rears its ugly head with regards to " acceptable " partners, team selection, committee decisions , and the shenanigans of closely-knit cliques. Personality conflicts, clashing egos, petty politics and group in-fighting are all fuelled by prejudice and intolerance, creating a climate in which bigotry thrives. Yet quite bizarrely the bigots never accept or acknowledge that they are the bigots. In their eyes it those those who hold opposing or challenging views who are displaying prejudice and bias. In some cases bigots develop an uncanny ability to convince themselves that their bigotry is perfectly justified. To challenge such intolerant people can be dangerous, for when they are forced to drag out their dark convictions , they get terribly infuriated and angry. Therefore, it came as a shocking truth to Albert Einstein when he observed, with real sadness and regret , that " it is easier to smash an atom than a prejudice ".
        

Saturday, 17 August 2013

BRIDGE BOOKS SO FULL OF GUSTO THEY'LL BLOW YOU AWAY....... ( Says  a windswept Pun )


  • Hold On , You Can't Hesitate Like That And Pass................Chester Minnit
  • After That Performance We Are As Good As Dead..............Midas Welby
  • As Bottoms Go This Was Monstrous One............................Hugh B. Hind
  • Partner You Need Something To Get Your Brain In Gear......Sarah Tonin
  • I Don't Think He's Here For The Bridge................................Jason Pussey
  • The Team I'm In Is Full Of Tosssers !.....................................Dick Hedz
  • Pairing Those Two Together Would Be A Disaster...............Laura Lynn Hardy
  • Making Lucrative Doubles Is What I Enjoy Most.....................Mortimer Liken 
  • This Hand Really Got Me So Excited................................... Mike Oxhard 
  • Partner, At Long Last You Are On Top Form .......................Ima Cumming-Goode

Friday, 16 August 2013

Thursday, 15 August 2013

AN ABSOLUTELY TRUE ( ON GOD'S HONOUR ) STORY....... ( By Bridgemeister Gibson ) 

The other night I went to my club to enjoy an evening of aggregate scoring bridge.
My partner and I had an evening where we were fighting a constant rearguard action on tram tickets. Nevertheless, with hardly any ammo in our armoury we still managed to ruffle a few feathers , and scupper several of our opponents contracts. 
But then came a board which left us both open mouthed. Both the opponents picked up excellent hands making the bidding swift and easy. 1S-2D-2NT-4NT ( ? ) My LHO took the last bid as blackwood responding 5D. My partner , as he had done most of the night , passed. Then my LHO asked : " Is it possible to have my bid back ? ". A stunned silence ensued. My RHO thought for a few moments and leapt to 6S, which was passed out. 
I waited for my partner to comment on this truly remarkable manoeuvre to communicate the presence of two Aces ( not one ).  Don't you just love the marvel and ingenuity of unauthorised information ?
Needless to say, the contract was rigid with declarer making all thirteen tricks. Finally , I decided to ask my RHO why she directly went to 6S knowing for certain there was a missing Ace ! She turned towards me, and gently smiled : " I had the points ". Well , how could I argue with that ? 
And if anyone asks me why I believe the world of bridge to be bizarre, then the answer can be found in this story. Did she honestly act on her partner's 5D reply , fully prepared to bid 6S on hearing about one Ace , and 7S if she discovered two ? Or did she act dishonestly by using his extremely naive question to ascertain the presence of two Aces ( not one ), which meant that 6S could now be confidently bid ?.  
When they departed my partner and I exchanged looks of sheer bewilderment and awe at the absurdities that can unfold , when this truly great game is played by such weird and wonderful people . 


   


Wednesday, 14 August 2013

THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARY REVISITED.......

( This highly competitive and addictive game has often caused quiet mild mannered people to turn into dangerous psychopaths , as evidenced by the following bridge terms which all relate to those who have turned their thoughts towards revenge, violence and murder . ) 

Bad break : the injury caused to a player's arm or leg bone by an irate partner wielding a hammer
Progressive squeeze : Once an inept partner has been grabbed by the throat , it is the process by which one strangles the life out of him
Shooting : a popular pastime with members with a score to settle
Lead : the type of pellets most players like to have inside their shotgun cartridges , so as minmise the risk of missing their intended targets
Duck : an perfect target for a shotgun owner, especially when found in a sitting position  
Nasty split : what can happen to a player's skull when an irate partner buries a machete into it
Axe : a heavy, more effective alternative to the much lighter machete
Cut : the smallest of injuries one can suffer at the hands of a knife-wielding partner
Clubs : useful objects to carry on your person , ideally suited for knocking some sense into bonehead partners
Spades : handy implements to have around to help dispose of any lifeless bodies
Uppercut : the penetration of skin about the shoulders, neck or head
2 club opener : a quick softening up process before the real beating takes place
Small slam : what one should do to close a door in order to cause a substantial injury to partner,  who is known to be following close behind
Grand slam : the maximum force used to close a door in partner's face ,  as a way of showing just how pissed off you really are with his naff bids and inept play                    

Monday, 12 August 2013

BIGOT-JOHNSON DREAMS UP SEVERAL MORE NEW AWARDS

With members complaining that the annual prize-giving keeps on celebrating the achievements of the same old usual suspects ,  further pressure was put on Bigot-Johnson and his committee to think up a few more awards...............which would then give the riff raff a taste of glory and success.
Some of the awards chosen by the committee to be handed out this year are as follows :
- Magic Dragon Award for the biggest puff in the club
- Hairy Werewolf Award for the player who made the biggest howler
- Over Used Doormat Award for the player who everyone walks over 
- Heavy Duty Snuff Award for the member who loves to get up other people's noses
- Super Long Syringe Award for the member who has become the club's biggest prick 
- Farmyard Chicken Award for the most henpecked man from the list of ill-fated husband   
   and wife partnerships
- The Red Balloon Award for the player renown for being full of hot air  
- The Clear Glass Award for the numpty whose game everyone can see right through 
-  Humpty Dumpty Awards for all those members who constantly crack up and fall to pieces 

  

Sunday, 11 August 2013

Saturday, 10 August 2013

Friday, 9 August 2013

BIGOT-JOHNSON DESPAIRS WHEN ALL OF HIS STUDENTS FAIL TO MAKE THE GRADE !

Bigot-Johnson's had high hopes of turning some of his younger students into competent bridge players , but these hopes were completely dashed when his class of numpties failed one of his crucial tests.
For weeks Bigot had been preaching about the folly of missing the obvious by looking for the obscure. Missing the sensible bid by looking for a clever one. Missing out on the contract by looking for useless overtricks. Why do players spend an endless amount of time trying to solve a problem when the solution is staring them in right the face ? Why do players substitute magical thinking for reasoned analysis ?
And so to illustrate this point he gave his class the following problem . " I placed 6 eggs in a silver bowl. I asked six people to each take just one of the eggs . So how can it be that one egg still remained in the silver bowl ."
After 30 minutes of desperation and anxiety ,  the answer papers were collected in. Most were blank , while others offered half-baked or utterly implausible solutions. Bigot of course was not amused. Rounding on the students in no uncertain terms ,  he derided them as brainless imbeciles, who should seriously think about giving up the game. However , one young girl keen to know the answer bravely raised her hand. Bigot was quick to respond.
" Yes.....let me guess.....you want me to tell you the answer to the problem. Well....there is only one logical explanation which should have been blatantly obvious.....right from the word go. The last person to take an egg.... took it away in my silver bowl........the thieving bastard ! "  

  

Wednesday, 7 August 2013

BIGOT-JOHNSON'S INFAMOUS QUOTATIONS ON BRIDGE...........

-  A player who deliberates is lost
- Binning a cold contract is not a blunder , it's a crime
- For any person with a sensitive disposition who is thinking about taking up bridge ,
  I have one word of advice : DON'T
- Bridge stories more often than not are stranger than fiction
- Playing bog standard bridge is the art of achieving the possible : playing top class bridge
  is the art of achieving the impossible
- The secret to winning at bridge : not many people know that
- A dumb player is a person who views both the bidding and the play with an open mouth
- There are 3 kinds of unforgivable bids by opponents : a small system deviation , a major 
  system deviation , and then of course a filthy , low down bastard psych 
- In an ideal world players should be full of integrity , discretion , consideration and 
  warmth.....and if you can fake that then you've got my respect
- A self-proclaimed bridge expert loves a big audience when regaling his success stories 
  to others , but naturally he will never listen to others unless they are keen to talk about
  him
- The real tragedy of a poor player is the poverty of his/her aspirations 
- A top class player is distinguished from the throng of whinging , whining riff raff by his 
  tranquil consciousness of effortless superiority
- Asking me about what I think about partners is like asking a lamppost how it feels about
  dogs
- The first essential skill for a tournament player is to be a good butcher  
- There is no spectacle more agreeable than to observe an in-your-face , smart-arse 
  opponent failing to make a simple contract
   
   
  
  
  

Monday, 5 August 2013

COMMITTEE MATTERS AT THE SLAUGHTER BRIDGE CLUB...... ( a short extract from a taped transcript of a hush-hush, clandestine , behind-closed-doors , unreported meeting )

Secretary (S) : Bigot ....we just can't go on using the club grounds to dispose of ex-members. With so many of their friends and relatives asking lots of awkward questions about their sudden disappearance .....these freshly dug graves are a dead giveaway
B-J : Listen muppet head.....can you think of another effective way of getting rid of undesirable members........ without running the risk of being sued by them ?
S : The sad fact remains that we as a committee have dug ourselves a massive big hole. The club grounds resemble an over crowded cemetery. And the bottom line is this....we've no bloody funds left to make even the crudest of coffins.
B-J : How dare you.....I see these grounds as a permanent retirement park. In fact we should be marketing this bridge establishment as the most popular club in England , where  
people are dying to get in.....And as for these long wooden boxes you call coffins.....they are nothing more than compost containers
S : Is it not the case that we've got more members under the ground than above ?....Can't you see we've reached a dead end... in fact our only real option is to sell up and move to a larger site
B-J : Moving to a larger property would cost us a bomb. Anyway...it's a seller's market....and the competition out there is stiff. For me the final solution is simple.........we need to dig deep and then we can stack'em up
S : I've heard enough....I want nothing more to do with you Bigot.....for us it's the end of line.....you're on your own because I'm soddin' off
B-J : Over my dead body you are..... because like it or not you're in this mess right up to your neck....so you and I need to bury the hatchet.... unless of course you want me to bury the damn thing in your skull

NEWSFLASH :
A GRAVE
SITUATION
DEVELOPS
AS THE
SLAUGHTER
HOUSE BC
GROUNDS
RUN OUT 
SPACE TO
DISPOSE OF
EX-MEMBERS
......





NOT LONG
AFTER
PHILIBERT
HAD BEEN
SENT  
OFF TO 
MEET  
HIS 
MAKER
......
......

" Chairman ......just how many more disciplinary hearings have we booked down for today ?......I'm afraid we've run out of 50p coins for the electric meter ! " 

Thursday, 1 August 2013

A VERY NEARLY ALMOST TRUE STORY.......( By Bridgemeister Gibson )

Mr. Pott , known to some for his oh-so-sly peeking of opponents' cards , was at it again on a critical last board of a very closely fought intercity league match. With a small slam in spades a racing certainty given the early bidding in the auction , the match could now be won if a grand slam was bid and made. Everything depended on the trump suit behaving,  and breaking no worse than 4-1.
However it was  Mr. Kettle , his LHO opponent , who was up to the task of helping Mr. Pott in his quest. As the bidding entered the slam zone , he inadvertently exposed his hand ( for a fleeting second ) to reveal a 4 card trump suit headed by the 10. Naturally , the sly old peeker seized his opportunity to quickly glance across,   getting the good news he was desperately seeking. Seconds later the grand slam was confidently bid.
Unbeknown to Mr. Pott , his LHO opponent held all five of the missing trumps , but had cleverly concealed one in amongst his clubs. On winning the opening lead , declarer laid down the AKQJ of trumps claiming.....only to discover his RHO showing out on trick 2 ! Realising that a trump trick now had to be conceded,  he gave his Nemesis  the blackest of looks before exploding into an uncontrollable rage.
Placing his sweaty hands around his LHO's neck, he looked straight into Mr. Kettle's fear-stricken eyes , and screamed out a torrent of unwarranted abuse  : " You sir are as black as the devil.... a real nasty piece of work.....a despicable rotter... in fact any half decent club would take a mean , filthy , low-down cheating dog like you outside..... and shot ! "      
SHBC DISCIPLINARY HEARING No. 5613
( Philibert Pantopod , youngest nephew of Percy , was next up in the firing line having been forced to attend a military court style hearing , as the grand purge continued unabated.....)

B-J ( Chairman ) : Your name ?
PP : Philibert Pantopod
B-J : Your rank ?
PP : County master
B-J : And your soon-to-be expired membership number ?
PP : 4...2...7
B-J  : Well...Philibert....you have been charged on several counts of  " conduct unbecoming of a club member...."
PP : Such as ?
B-J : Many things ...like scratching your scrotum whilst fidgeting about in your chair.....for starters !
PP : Any others ?
B-J : Strumming the table top with your fingers as though you were playing an imaginary piano.....sniffing the seats of chairs vacated by young ladies.........and biting your finger nails when stressed
PP : Am I allowed to refute these outrageous charges ?
B-J : No....they've all been proven to be true
PP : Who by ?  .....And when ?
B-J : By seconded members who were instructed to perform carefully choreographed re-enactments of your crimes.......... when you weren't around of course 
PP : Am I allowed to say anything in my defence ? 
B-J : No
PP : What about in mitigation ?
B-J : No
PP : So I suppose now you're going to vote now on whether or not I'm guilty ?
B-J : No need to do that.....we decided well in advance what punishment we had in mind for you .....long before these charges were ever dreamed up
PP : Does that mean then I'm about to be suspended ?
B-J : Good God man.....are you blind or what ? Can't you see we've all been sitting here wearing little black caps on our heads !
PP : How could I ? ......This meeting has been conducted from start to finish in total darkness
B-J : Listen you muppet head .....we're saving on electricity
PP : Why's that ?
B-J : We need it all for the electric chair which is waiting for you downstairs . That damn thing can use up a week's supply in just one massive 10 second surge
PP : Yes , I see where you're coming from..... that does seem to make good sense
B-J : Well......I guess that's that......so can someone take this reprobate .......this total waste of space....downstairs......to administer his last rites 
PP : Can I make one last phone call ?
B-J : No....we trying to economise on that expense as well
PP : Oh...
B-J : And will you stop asking all these pointless and irrelevant questions.......it's time I buggered off.....the test match coverage is just about to start on Sky TV



" Well chairman .....I hope I wasn't being too presumptuous........but I thought it would save time if we got Philibert to sit in this chair from the off......." 
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY..... ( By Dr. Sigmund T. Schukelgruber )

When you take up bridge with passion and commitment , you will soon find......

- your family and friends drifting away
- no one wanting to spend any time with you
- what it is like to be isolated and alone
- your interest in politics , art and literature completely disappearing
- sex becoming a meaningless distraction , or a thing of the past
- how becoming an introverted and self-centred individual upsets so many people  
- your one-track mind focusing only on bridge
-  " cold turkey " pains racking your body when deprived of a game  
- nothing else in your life having any relevance or significance at all
- communication with others being restricted to other bridge addicts like you 

There are , of course , other advantages but these are the main ones .