Tuesday, 31 March 2015

THE NORTHERN PRO REASSURES HIS PARTNER.....



Monday, 30 March 2015

THE NORTHERN PRO LAYS DOWN A FEW GROUND RULES......



Sunday, 29 March 2015

THE TRIALS AND TRIBULATIONS OF THE NORTHERN PRO CONTINUE.....



Friday, 27 March 2015

Wednesday, 25 March 2015

THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARY .........................

Trick :
  • a very precious and highly sought after commodity that unscrupulous players will go to any lengths to obtain if it is the one which guarantees a winning score 
  • what cunning and crafty players try to put over unwary and gullible opponents , to fool them by employing tactics linked with dark art of deception  
  • a mind-blowing manoeuvre  so difficult to execute that only the most talented bridge players have the ability to achieve success in situations where all others have failed 
  • a knack or particular skill , such as making your opponents believe the opposite of what is true , to lead them down the proverbial garden path
  • to bring about a favourable or surprise result , to achieve something that was seemingly unachievable and completely unexpected
  • a missed opportunity to capitalise on an uncharacteristic mistake made by a higher ranking opponent  ( to miss a trick )
  • a spiteful act or prank one player might play upon another in order to ridicule and humiliate that person in front of his/her peers ( to play a trick )
  • what any red blooded , sex-driven male bridge player is willing to purchase , having decided to celebrate a successful night by visiting his local red-light district    
  • ( Plural ) when preceded by the word " how " , this term relates to how one is getting on or what one is up to , usually with regards to bridge  

Sunday, 22 March 2015

THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARY..........

( The following definitions all relate the term " field "  as would appear in any comprehensive bridge glossary written up by Lucifer himself ) 

Field : 
  • what far too many players do with their first round responsive bids when partnering serial psychers
  • the number of players participating in a competitive event , the majority of which have no hope whatsoever of winning but are simply there to make up the numbers and of course the prize money on offer
  • a place where rabbits and lambs for the slaughter all gather together under the same roof, for the " big boys " to seek out , target and butcher
  • the name given to describe the "day "  after the slaughter is over , which all the big boys can now reflect upon with smug and gloating delight 
  • an ideal out-of-the-way burial ground for the covert disposal of bodies , being all those nasty , trouble making and undesirable reprobates ,  whose memberships needed to be permanently terminated by no-nonsense , zero-tolerance driven committees 
  • the kind of " view " eagle-eyed cheats at the table have successfully managed to expand in their quest to find out that extra detail about their opponents' cards
  • a specific area of knowledge , interest or expertise an expert player might have ( eg.        " his particular field of interest is in developing an undetectable form of finger signalling " 
  • an ability to handle or evade awkward questions in such a way as to never reveal the   truth , especially in situations like attending disciplinary hearings to answer allegations of cheating , or rude and offensive behaviour
  • a far from level playing area when up against against dodgy TDs ,  and opponents who either (a) use overly complex unintelligible bidding systems or (b) resort to forms of cheating in keeping with filthy dogs 
THE NORTHERN PRO IS MADE TO SUFFER.....



Saturday, 21 March 2015

BACK ONCE MORE TO CLUB HOUSE BAR ROOM.....



Thursday, 19 March 2015

MORE QUOTES ( MAINLY ANONYMOUS ) ON BRIDGE.....
..... ( Research by Pun )


  • The thing about bridge , like any other sport , is that swearing is very much part of it
  • Bridge is nothing more than a ritualised form of non-physical combat : if that weren't the case , it wouldn't be the game it is
  • I thought bridge players were all sportsmen and totally honest : how wrong can one be ?
  • Bridge is a game where all players can't believe what is happening to them
  • As the non-playing captain of a bridge team no one can accuse me of dropping players : I simply make changes
  • Bridge is the only gaming sport I know where young , ruthless , predatory men can legitimately hunt down and slaughter defenceless little old ladies
  • I remain of the opinion that there is no game from bridge to cricket that is not improved by a little light conversation : a view which is shared only by a small and unjustly despised minority (Osbert Lancaster )
  • One of the chief duties of a bridge player is to engage in arguments with partners and opponents alike. This department of  the game is unfortunately the one which is most talked about and reported.
  • Bridge players never lose to superior players : poor results are the consequences of coming up against cheats and " being robbed "
  • Personally , I have always looked upon bridge as organised loafing ( Howard Bigot-Johnson )
  • Bridge players with big inflated egos , who love to stand tall, will always come down to my height as soon as they sit down at the table
  • The uglier a player's personality is , the meaner he/she is at bridge table : it's an irrefutable fact 
  • No one is more sensitive about his/her game than the weekend duplicate bridge player
  • If a bridge player is described as a " real sportsman " , then he is likely to be a desperately over-sexed , testosterone-fuelled hedonist ,   who makes it his mission in life to take newly acquired female partners to late night parties and bacchanalian orgies  

Tuesday, 17 March 2015

NEW IDIOMS.............( Research by Pun )

" Storm in a teacup " is an out-dated idiom , which has been recently replaced by the much more meaningful phrase  " bridgemate across the table ".
This new idiom represents a much more amusing use of hyperbole to point out the absurdity of a situation. At the risk of stating the obvious , a harmless movement of a bridgemate across a table is not quite the same as a bridgemate being thrown ( with real force ) at an opponent with the clear intent to cause actual, possibly grievous , bodily harm. Nevertheless, the very circumstances in which bridgemates can be moved across a table can vary immensely ,  given the possible range of deviations , or should I say elevations , from the accepted code of conduct and air traffic controls . 
Flight paths which have entered well established no-fly zones might well cause minor ructions based on alleged offence of violating one's air space. Nevertheless a bridgemate across a table , just like a storm in a teacup , is in reality making a big deal over nothing.... or similarly making huge waves over something of little consequence. 
THE NORTHERN PRO DISCOVERS WHERE HIS
PARTNER IS GOING WRONG...............


Monday, 16 March 2015

THE NORTHERN PRO EXPLAINS THE REALITY OF BRIDGE..............



Saturday, 14 March 2015

IF YOU CALL YOURSELF A CHRISTIAN THEN YOU MUST CAST SATAN ASIDE AND GIVE UP BRIDGE......(Article by Carp )


 Any true Christian knows that it is strictly forbidden to participate in any games or past-times that are of the world and of the devil ( I Jn.2:14-17) . Since the deck of playing cards is of the devil ,  a Christian cannot and should not glorify God by playing these cards or even having them in the home ( 1 Cor.6:20, 10:31 ).
There appears to be real merit in the following arguments , which clearly support this view.
The deck of cards have a religious , mystical and astrological significance. Add to that the belief that cards are strongly linked to fortune telling and the occult , then it comes as no surprise to find Christians wary of their dark associations.   
Playing cards , especially bridge , for hours at a time  , day after day , week after week , year after year , can become an idolatrous activity that wastes precious time and stagnates spiritual growth ( 1 Cor. 10:6 : Eph. 5:11,15-17). With absentee family members away playing bridge , the neglect of other family members becomes all too apparent and inevitable. Bridge widows , widowers and orphaned children run into the millions across the world ,  such is the addictive power of  the Devil's Bible ( picture book ). Indeed, the scriptures define the pack of cards as an abomination , which should be removed from every home and building and burned , as advocated by all the early-day saints. 
Clearly , playing bridge with regular playing cards is not as innocent as some players would like you to believe. Many devout and devoted Christians believe that the pack of cards was introduced by Satan into the world simply to seduce people into a life of wasteful indulgence and immorality, and to lead them into a life of decadence , sin and immorality. Some of the most common places one might find a deck of cards ( besides bridge clubs )  will be with prostitutes , gamblers , thieves , murders, in taverns , brothels , prisons , lunatic asylums and gambling dens. 
Bridge is without doubt  very addictive and mind controlling. The game often releases the demons from within one's psyche, bringing out his or her worst characteristics. Many psycho-analysts see this as the Dr.Jekyll and Hyde effect. Seemingly timid and harmless players turn into monsters , with their dark alter egos taking total control. Now players will resort to all manner of dubious and nefarious practices in order to succeed , as opposed to just enjoying the bridge experience.
So yes , if you call yourself a Christian then you must cast Satan aside and give up bridge.  
  

Friday, 13 March 2015

THE NORTHERN PRO EXPLAINS TO PARTNER
WHAT BIDDING IS ALL ABOUT......




Thursday, 12 March 2015

Tuesday, 10 March 2015

NEWSFLASH : SEVERAL BRIDGE CLUBS UNDER A BIGOT-JOHNSON HONESTY-PAYS-INITIATIVE HAVE CHANGED THEIR NAMES ,  DECLARING THEMSELVES AS CENTRES FOR APPROVED CHEATING

With a huge growing demand to play bridge without fear or reprimand of being accused of cheating , dozens of bridge clubs have recently changed their names to tap into this lucrative market for highly unethical members. As a result , the following clubs have recorded a threefold increase in membership , reflecting the fact it really does pay dividends to have an honest trade description about what values your establishment actually upholds . 
The clubs , who are leading the way in this trend of setting themselves up as centres for approved cheating to ensure that all their members " feel completely at home " and " are true to themselves ", are listed as follows :
1.  Anything Goes BC ( Sheffield )
2.  Infinite Tolerance BC  ( Derby )
3.  Turn A Blind Eye BC  ( London )
4.  Head In The Sand BC ( Brighton )
5.  Do Unto Others BC  ( York )
6.  The Three Monkeys BC  ( Chester )
7.  Keeping Stumm BC ( Doncaster )
8.  Taking Liberties BC  ( Newcastle )
9.   No Holds Barred BC  ( Birmingham )
10. Anarchy Rules BC  ( Leicester )
11. Open Season BC  ( Durham )
12. No One Gives A Damn BC  ( Liverpool )
13. Rules What Rules BC  ( Hull )
14. No One Here Gives A Damn BC ( Carlisle )
15. Everyone's Damn Well At It BC ( Nottingham )
16. Ignorance Really Is A Virtue BC  ( Swindon )
17. See No Evil, Hear No Evil BC  ( Cardiff )
18. Dog Eat Dog BC  ( Glasgow )
19. Bending The Rules BC  ( Boston )
20. It's Fun To Be Naughty BC ( Leeds )



BRIDGE BOOKS GUARANTEED TO MAKE YOUR MOUTH WATER....... ( Endorsements by Pun )


  • I Absolutely Love This Game Of Bridge...........................Hedda Vereels
  • My Partner Never Flags For A Single Second..................Fuller N. R. Gee
  • Partner , We Really Need To Settle Our Differences........Barry Thatchett 
  • Never Argue With Opponents At The Table....................C. K. Rullin
  • Partner , Have Faith And Believe In My Ability................Candy Liver
  • Play Bridge Like A Pirate , Ruthless And Mean,,,,,,,,,,,,,Buck Kineer
  • Partner Have We Got Off To A Cracking Start ..............Harvey Wellerhead
  • Sorry, But More Lessons Will Do You No Good......... ...Stella Pratt
  • Partner I'm Telling You The Truth , Cross My Heart........Ann Hope Tudie
  • He's So Young But Bridge Has Really Aged Him...........Harris Grey
  • Our Chairman Has A Habit Of Hiding The Truth.............Lilac  A. Trooper 
  • I Earned Bugger All As A Bridge Professional...............Amir Pittance

Thursday, 5 March 2015

LAW REPORT :  McFLY v. ANYTHING GOES BC (2015)

In this landmark case , which has serious implications for all bridge clubs in the UK , the committee was found liable for not carrying out a formal risk assessment with regards to " flying bridgemates " and/or other assorted objects capable of being propelled through the air at speed. Following the precedent laid down in an earlier case Phee v. Gordon (2013 ) , where a player was hit by a flying golf ball , the judge held that the bridge club was negligent for failing to recognise the risk of a player being struck by a hard fast moving object during competitive play. The judgement handed down was as follows :


Evidence of numerous altercations at the tables clearly support the inference that a player in a pique of temper might well pick up an object to throw it with force anywhere across the room , whether aim is taken or not. Whatever flight path the object takes , there will always be a real risk that someone will get hurt by consequence of either a direct hit or ricochet. 
It was clear that the club were well aware of the potential danger, created by having such lethal projectiles close to the hands of players with attitude problems , volatile temperaments , and short fuses. Given that committee members themselves were prone to losing their cool on many occasions , they too must have known of the risk.
The fact that the club took no measures to warn players, especially visitors and inexperienced newcomers was , without doubt , a significant failure of their duty of care to ensure the safety and well being of all those participating at the tables. In the Phee case , the victim's contributory negligence by failing to duck was held to be minimal. The lion's share of the blame completely rested with the club's committee , who failed to recognise the nature , frequency and magnitude of the risk involved. 
Crowded fairways and over-hit shots are a common occurrence , especially when players get wound up and angry at having to wait to play their next shots. Impatience , frustration and anger are the part and parcel of a golfer's competitive personality. For bridge clubs , the message is just as obvious. Warnings signs are essential, especially on nights where players tempers are likely to be frayed. Any reasonable risk assessment would flag up an urgent need to make regular public announcements " for players to be on their guard against flying objects " , " to hide behind screens whenever possible " ,  and/or to wear " appropriate hear gear for added protection " Moreover , the introduction of formal rules and safety training to help reduce the risk of being hit needed be put into place at the earliest opportunity. 
It cannot always be inferred that players , especially the elderly , hard-of-hearing, slow reflexes and slow in movement , have the ability to duck or take evasive action , even when a verbal warning just precedes the moment of impact. Therefore , it is true to say that the committee members' failure to carry out a formal risk assessment led to a failure to warn and take preventative action . Consequently , they are all personally liable for the £300,000 damages I award to the plaintiff.
The primary function of all sporting clubs , including bridge clubs , is to develop policies which sustain the long term financial future of the club. Since the decision in Phee v Gordon was ignored , the club took no action at all to safeguard members' health and safety, and therefore has only itself to blame for being sued. The size of the damages involved in head injury cases are always six-figure sums ,  which many small clubs may not be able to sustain. This of course will ultimately result in either the financial ruin of the club, or significant liabilities imposed on its members.  


            

Wednesday, 4 March 2015

CULTURE CORNER........ ( A short poem by Dr. Sigmund T. Schukelgruber entitled  " I Can't Stand " )


I can't stand cheats
I can't stand fools
I can't stand players
Who hide behind rules

I can't stand ditherers
And the painfully slow
Those who big egos
Who huff, puff and blow

I can't stand the whingers
Who just love to moan
And those who speak
In a condescending tone

I can't stand the bullies
Who put partners in fear
Constantly shouting
But unable to hear

I can't stand injustice
The undeserved loss
And partners who think
They are my boss


But to give up the game
NOT ON YOUR LIFE !
I'd rather die from a cut
From a razor sharp knife




















Tuesday, 3 March 2015

CULTURE CORNER ......... ( Article by Dr. Sigmund T. Schukelgruber )

I have always been a big fan of Canned Heat , and in particular Al " Blind Owl " Wilson. Here was a truly gifted bluesman , whose distinctive falsetto voice , great harmonica and guitar playing made him unique, and one of the all time greats.


Seen here with John Lee Hooker , the fact that he passed on at the age of 27 was a real tragedy and loss to the world of blues music.
One of my favourite tracks is a song entitled      " Time Was "  , the lyrics of which seemed far more apt for a broken partnership in bridge , than a romance going through its last rites.
With just the odd modification to the final verse let's immerse ourselves into the " blues " we so often associate with bridge.....the ending of a partnership on a sad and bitter note. 


Time was.....when we got along
Time was.....when we got along
It's too bad , that the feeling's gone 


Time was.....when we could agree
Time was.....when we could agree
That time's gone , now you find fault with me


Time now....to turn over a new leaf
Time now....to turn over a new leaf
I've got to go partner , I can't stand the grief

Sunday, 1 March 2015

MORE SHENANIGANS AT THE SLAUGHTER HOUSE BRIDGE CLUB...... ( AS CHAIRMAN BIGOT-JOHNSON DEMONSTRATES HIS REMARKABLE ABILITY AT SEEING OFF YET ANOTHER  VOTE OF NO CONFIDENCE )

















" All those in favour of me stepping down please raise your hands "