Howard Bigot-Johnson's Bizarre World of Bridge

2012-02-01T06:32:00.000-08:00

DR. SIGMUND T. SCHUKELGRUBER UNEARTHS RARE BRIDGE POEM BY LORD BYRON

Historical records show that Lord Byron was indeed a member of the infamous Hellfire Bridge Club set up by Sir Francis Dashwood. Apparently his early death owed more to his painful experiences at the bridge table than anything else. Nevertheless he did find time to write this wonderful short poem, which is being published for the very first time here on Bigot-Johnson's amazing blog. Entitled " A Loser's Tale " Lord Byron lists the bog standard reasons why success at the tables eluded him, as they have with thousands of other born losers......

If I hadn't doubled them into game
I wouldn't have felt such awful shame
Two hearts plus two gave us a painful score
Which saw my partner head for the door

If I hadn't been reckless by opening light
I wouldn't have turned a deathly white
For when a penalty double set us 800 adrift
My partner went apeshit, boy was he miffed

If I hadn't misplayed that lay down grand
By letting a trick through with winners in hand
I'm sure my partner would have kept his cool
Instead of shrieking " You bloody great fool "

So if I had played
With open eyes
A bit of nous
A bit of guile
A touch of flair
A brain in gear
We would have won.....
By a country mile !

2012-01-30T14:17:00.000-08:00

BIGOT'S SUGGESTIONS FOR RENAMING YOUR BRIDGE CLUB......

Most bridge clubs......gay ones excluded.....name themselves after the district, town or city they are located in. Names that conjure up diddly squat.....nothing but a blank in people's minds......nothing to fire their imagination......nothing to give the club an appealing or exciting image......to put it on the map....and to sell the game to a wider public.

Well, I was inspired to name my bridge club after watching the epic " Slaughter House 5 ".....because it seemed to me people might well associate the bridge experience with the adrenalin rush one gets when watching a film full of blood and gore. So for all you club committees out there, it's time for a serious rethink and an immediate renaming of your club. Film titles offer wonderful suggestions, and every one listed below captures the essence of what the bridge club experience is all about......

- Boiler Room
- Misssion Impossible
- Circus World
- Crime School
- The Misfits
- Deadly Game
- Fight Club
- Psycho
- Foul Play
- Company of Wolves
- The Condemned
- The Damned
- Facing the Giants
- Fuckland
- Old Dogs
- Heartless
- The Defiant Ones
- Dangerous Minds
- On Edge

- Badlands

2012-01-29T10:46:00.000-08:00

BRIDGE BOOKS : RARE COLLECTORS ITEMS ...... ( Claims proud owner Pun )

Solid Defence Is What Keeps Me On Top........Ivor Castleman
Defence Is My Forte..........................................Barry Kade
Mowing Down Opponents Is Easy....................Tommy Gunn
Shooting For Tops.............................................Bren Gunn
My Partner's Is A Bloody Liability.......................Andy Capp
Success At Bridge Tastes Really Good.............Sue Sweet
After 20 Years Of Trying, I've Won A Trophy.....Al E. Luya
How To Be Both Awkward And Stubborn..........Asa Moole
Partner, You Can Always Rely On Me...............Everard N. Reddy
Want To Join A Winning Team ?.......................G.Y.Knott

2012-01-28T05:13:00.000-08:00

SLAUGHTER HOUSE BC DISCIPLINARY HEARING No. 3764.................
( In a very busy month, more and more members found themselves up before Bigot and his ruthless gang. Most had been heavily fined but with Perry Pantopod up next, expulsion was very much on the cards ! Bigot was desperate to run these disciplinary hearings in the manner and style of a kangaroo court, completely inspired by court proceedings so vividly described in Lewis Caroll's Alice in Wonderland )
B-J : Call in the accused.......Perry Pantopod
Perry : What the blue blazes is this all about ?
B-J : As you know you full well.....this club has standards of propriety......and your recent behaviour Perry has been nothing more than disgusting....
Perry : I don't understand....
B-J : Well, allow me to enlighten you.....on numerous occasions you have been seen fondling, fingering , touching and rubbing up the queen of hearts........
Perry : You're completely mad....stark raving mad....and what in God's name are the committee members scrawling down on those chalk boards ?
B-J : The " GUILTY " verdict of course...
Perry: But the hearing hasn't started yet ....
B-J : Oh ... well....if you must insist on having one...then let's call in the first witness....
Witness : Why am I here ?
B-J : Did you or did you not partner this evil molesting philanderer the other week ?
Witness : Yes.....but he isn't.....
B-J : Shut up and answer the questions properly. Do you recall him having in his hands .....on several occasions.....the queen of hearts ?
Witness : Yes...
B-J : And is it true to say that whenever he was subjected to a possible heart finesse he had the disgusting habit of nervously fingering and stroking the queen before eventually sacrificing her under the King
Witness : Yes....but....
B-J : Thank you...you've been most helpful....so time for the verdict
Perry : Hold on...aren't there more witnesses outside that need to be called in ?
B-J : Listen, there's no real point.....they're all on our side....but if you feel it is absolutely necessary ......call in witness number two....
Witness : Firstly, I would like to say that Perry is innocent....
B-J : What...you've been specifically told what evidence to give....comments like that and you'll be up for contempt. So please stick to the facts..... were you Perry's opponent on hand 24 ?
Witness : Yes..
B-J : Did he have in his hand the queen of hearts, which he foolishly thought was a winner
Witness : Yes......
B-J : A winner he believed was going to defeat the small slam bid against him?
Witness : Yes.....
B-J : And did he not caress, and kiss the queen before placing her on the table face up ?
Witness : Yes...I believed he did...such was his joy at the prospect of beating the contract
B-J : But the queen was surprisingly trumped......a victim of a horrible ruff.....and allowing this violation of a very special lady to take place is ....in the eyes of this court..... an extremely despicable crime...
Perry : The queen is a bloody card ....not a person ! Anyway, dozens of players, including yourself.... no doubt..... picked her up during the evening being obliged to handle her in the same way as I did
B-J : How dare you say that.....we are all gentleman.....whereas you are an unsavoury individual who violated and mishandled her repeatedly......and on that shocking and revealing note you are now banned from this club...
Perry : You can't dish out a sentence like that.....before giving me a chance to defend myself .....and the committee sufficient time to consider its verdict
B-J : Stuff and nonsense.....the verdict was decided upon weeks ago.....long before this trumped up complaint ever came in.......you Pantopod are a hideously large puss-ridden spot on the face of mankind
Committee members ( in unison ) : Off with his head !! Off with his head !!
B-J : Well, I'll be buggered....a committee that for once knows what it's doing....

2012-01-26T06:15:00.000-08:00

SERIAL PSYCHERS NEEDS TO BE EXPOSED...... ( Says Carp )

In the big league tournaments, psychs are a much vaunted and highly useful weapon to have in one's armoury. Occasionally, a top class player with a tiny catapult of a hand can bring down a goliath with one very well aimed and directed psych. But these are the toys for the big boys, and should be rarely used in the context of a regular duplicate down at your local club.
Serial psychers who target the less experienced or novice players are in my opinion predatory vampires.
Many ordinary club players quite rightly view them as a pain in the neck. Often their motives touch upon sadistic fun or a win-at-all costs creed. These predators do not embrace the spirit of sportsmanship, only looking to create tops by creating confusion within the ranks of the easily confused.
Tragically, victims seem reluctant to report their misfortunes, which simply encourages these vampires to plunder again. By giving them a green light the serial psychers will continue their ways until someone tries to stop them. Reasons for this apparent reluctance to report often include politeness, apathy, fear, embarrassment and the desire not to make a fuss.
Don't get me wrong but the occasional psych by any player is a legitimate weapon that adds a bit of colour, intrigue and excitement to the game. Moreover its single use falls well within the boundaries of ethical conduct and play. However,  one unwritten rule of good sportsmanship   requires perpetrators to target those of equal standing and experience to themselves.

Serial psychers, however, do not discriminate at all, using this device almost on a regular weekly basis , unsettling their victims, and causing many to view bridge in a negative light. Whenever, these predators get a good result, their faces light up like Christmas trees, laden with baubles of sickening smugness and gloating self-indulgence. But ... I also turn my resentment towards their partners, who clearly know the type of person they have teamed up with.....therefore being privy to a knowledge that their opponents do not possess. Surely to God it becomes impossible for them to bid and play the cards as they would have done sitting opposite someone else. Subconscious fielding and/or applying caution inevitably takes place.
It is my contention that serial psyching causes a whole stack of problems for all concerned, requiring clubs to clampdown on a player's frequent use of such a destructive bid. The only way to identify and control the problem is by implementing a strict policy for all psychs to be recorded, irrespective of their success or failure. Failure to undertake this reporting will mean only one thing : pains in the neck will never go away.
So my message is clear....expose these psychers.......because the image of the game is at stake.............victims need to stand up and be counted..........don't allow this grave problem to fester in the dark.......nip it in the bud.... because collectively we have the power to draw their teeth.

2012-01-26T04:19:00.000-08:00

BRIDGE BOOKS GUARANTEED TO BLOW YOU AWAY......
( Says a windswept Pun )

He's Been Nominated For The Hall Of Fame.............A. Lister
Always Learn From Your Errors............... .................Jotham Downe
I Need To Know Just One Thing Partner...................R.U. Agoa
This Bridge Book Is Damn Hard To Read..................Skip A. Page
Winning Internet Bridge Matches Is Easy...................Webb Masters
I Just Need A Second Of Your Time Partner..............Arthur Moe
I've Been Walking To The Bridge Club All Week.......Karen Dock
My Partner's Completely Off His Head.......................Egan N. Sayne
That Player Never Stops Asking For Favours............Hank R. Ringmore
God Am I Up For This One, Partner...........................Wellard Foreshaw

2012-01-25T12:54:00.000-08:00

A PLAYER'S LAMENT.......... ( By Dr.Sigmund T. Schukelgruber )

A poem adapted from the lyrics of a Rolling Stone's classic entitled " The Last Time "

Partner, I've told you once, I've told you twice
But ya never listen to my advice
You don't try very hard to please me
With what you know it should be easy

( Chorus )
Well this could be our last time
This could be our last time
And might we ever play again
Oh no.... oh no....oh no

So sorry partner you just can't stay
Feelin' like I do today
It's too much pain and too much sorrow
Guess I'll feel the same tomorrow

( Repeat chorus )

Well I told you once and I told you twice
You bid like a prat and paid the price
You were never right you were always wrong
God knows why your bids took so long

( Repeat chorus )

You're off your head, I can take no more
Your ability's nil even worse than poor
You've got no idea at what you're doing
Since partnering you I've gone to ruin

( Repeat chorus )

Well, I told you once and I told you twice
The moment I'm riled I can't be nice
Your idiot play has got me so deflated
I'm almost suicidal so utterly frustrated

My mind's made up there's no going back
I giving you the boot call it the sack
And will this parting make me happy
Oh yes indeed...oh yes....oh yes

2012-01-25T06:24:00.000-08:00

WHAT ARE THE MAIN DUTIES OF BRIDGE CLUB COMMITTEE MEMBERS ?................... ( Professor Hu Chi Ku Chi investigates )
Signing up to become a committee member isn't quite the same a joining a friendly gathering or family party, where you are at the heart of all decision making, but with no real responsibilities other than to sit and listen, voice a few opinions, and vote on matters of interest every now and again.
Committee members even in small social bridge clubs are under a duty of care to serve the club and its members first and foremost. This duty can be broken down into several very distinct ones such as :
- a duty to act in good faith
- a duty not to gain personal advantage or gain by improper use of their position
- a duty not to misuse information
- a duty to carry out designated tasks and acts with due care and diligence
- a duty of confidentiality ( non-disclosure )
In essence committee members, being the elected servants of the ordinary members, must put the interests of the club ahead of their own, both collectively ( as a committee ) and individually. In some ways the job is akin to a poison chalice.....you're there to be blamed and shot at if things go wrong. Moreover whatever decision is voted upon, there will always be critics who strongly condemn you for taking what they see as the wrong option.
However, nothing is as problematic as balancing these two incompatible duties : the duty of non-disclosure which firmly flies in the face of a duty to whistleblow ( full disclosure ). Clearly, confidentiality matters when committees are dealing with highly sensitive personal information about members, which quite rightly should never be passed onto third parties. Yet in the interests of openess and transparency, it does seem right to inform the ordinary members of a club about wrongdoings or other injustices being carried out against particular members.... or even the club, being a separate albeit artificial entity.
Wherever you look in law, every duty comes with exceptions, and the duty of confidentiality ( non-disclosure ) thankfully is not absolute one. Departing from it is always justified on legal, moral and ethical grounds. Exposing a wrongdoing or injustice which results in harm or damage being done to club members often requires a brave act of whistleblowing.......that is of course, if no other ways of correcting the situation from within the committee can be found.
Whistleblowing itself must be strictly limited to certain situations, which usually means " only in exceptional circumstances ". Key questions need to be looked into, before claiming a duty to disclose has now taken the higher moral ground. Would non-disclosure cause more harm than good ? Does non-disclosure put members at serious risk or harm of some kind ? Is the risk one which has wider implications for the club, or severe implications for the few ? Is there a danger of widespread abuse if the duty of non-disclosure is rigidly adhered to ?
Moreover, if the duty of confidentuality is simply used a way of covering up wrongdoing, or establishing a mafia style code of silence then everyone has the right to ignore it. If however, the duty is to ensure that sensitive and personal information doesn't fall into the wrong hands to the detriment of innocent people, then adherence to it becomes the prior objective. As for the stuff that falls between these two black and white extremes, we now unfortunately enter a large grey area where good judgement, objectivity, and moral conscience are all needed to resolve the impossible dilemma.

2012-01-23T16:19:00.000-08:00

MORE GRAVESTONE EPITAPHS IN REMEMBRANCE OF SADLY DEPARTED BRIDGE PLAYERS....... ( Tombstone research by Pun )

If anyone needs a ruling you'll find me upstairs
He told us his partner would be the death of him. How right he was.
I'm more in the dark now that I was playing bridge
Half way into a tricky slam he tempted fate when he said " I think I can make it ". Words that have surely come back to haunt him
His dying words were, as he went down in 3 NT contract : " that was a particularly nasty heart attack "
Deeply missed by all who never knew him
He said his opponent's superb declarer play " completely took his breath away ". No truer words were said.
As a player he was forever biting his nails. Now it's just dust.
I know I got partner riled, but can anyone shed some light on what happened next ?
His last words were " Partner, any idiot can change a light bulb....just watch and learn ".
He solved some of the most difficult and complex bridge problems, only to die of complications
He said " This is the type of hand I would die for " : truly a man of his word.
After years of trying to improve his game, he finally saw light at the end of the tunnel. Unfortunately for him it was a fast approaching train.
Died of shock when he fell victim to a killing switch

2012-01-21T04:54:00.000-08:00

ZERO TOLERANCE POLICIES SHOULD BE SCRAPPED..... ( Article by Professor Hu Chi Ku Chi )

Don't get me wrong but I'm all in favour of promoting best behaviour at bridge, but the idea of implemented zero tolerance policies as a way forward to achieving this goal is a nonsense. Zero tolerance is in itself extreme intolerance, which smacks of blinkered prejudice towards any form of misconduct no matter how petty or insignificant it is. So is there another way in dealing with disruptive players other than to throw the book at them whenever they step out of line? Well, the answer is " yes ".

Behind every incident there is a root cause that needs to be investigated, identified and understood. Indeed, there are many instances in which players need to be forgiven rather than lambasted. These situations might be when they were themselves innocent victims of anti-social baiting and/or provocation by others. Why shouldn't a player get upset when others are guilty slow play, soft cheating, coffee-housing tactics, insults and false accusations. It is human nature to react in an impulsive and aggressive way.

Moreover, what is the big deal if the player's alleged misconduct has not caused any real alarm or concern to others. Nevertheless, when relationships with club members have been seriously harmed by this incident, there are strong grounds to treat the incident as one warranting a formal complaint followed by a preliminary investigation .

However, it is my contention that when faced with " disruptive " members bridge club committees need to tread very carefully, and would be best advised, before taking up disciplinary proceedings, to adhere to the following advice and guidelines :

(a) not lose sight of the nature and character of the game, where petty altercations are common place and where apologies can so easily asked for and sincerely given

(b) keep their own personal prejudices in check by staying objective and impartial at all times

(d) arrive objectively and unemotionally at what might have been the underlying factors as to why the member behaved in that way

(e) decide upon a common sense, practical and effective course of action, appropriate to this particular type of disruption and its specific cause ( such action may vary from a quiet word to securing a written promise to change his/her ways, or from in-house counselling to training or treatment sought elsewhere )

By jumping straight in with the zero tolerance policy 3-strikes-and-your-out rule, and pursuing disciplinary proceedings in the manner of a kangaroo court, this rather unwise and uncompromising response completely overlooks the more sensible softly-softly behavioural approach.

2012-01-20T08:51:00.000-08:00

BRIDGE BOOKS NOT FOR THE FAINT HEARTED.....( Warns Pun )

At Long Last He's Found That Elusive Queen.......Willie Carter-Hoff
Is That The Best You Can Offer Me Partner?.........Drew Peacock
They Had A Good Weekend At Brighton ..............Betty Humpter
Players Who Have No Ability Always Turn Up .....Fuller Hope
Boy, Have I Got Some Juicy Gossip For You........Ray C. Storey
What Did He Do When She Threw That Paddy ?....Helda Downe
Women At This Club Are Most Welcoming............Humphrey Lee
I Shafted More People Today Than I Can Recall......Dick Aitkin
Why I Don't Like Partnering Men............................Homer Fobick
How To Storm Ahead Of The Field.........................Stella March

2012-01-18T13:09:00.000-08:00

LAW REPORT : PEREGRIN PANTOPOD v. BIGOT-JOHNSON AND OTHERS Peregrin wasn't taking his life ban from the Slaughter House lying down. Determined to seek justice he decided to sue for damages for wrongful expulsion, alleging amongst a whole load of things breach of the club's Constitutional rules, along with breaches of natural justice. By falling victim to what he described as a kangaroo court set up, Peregrin was in no mood for compromise. Bigot of course elected to take on the role of defence counsel. A short extract from the trial's transcript appears below.

Counsel for the plaintiff (CP) : My client ....Peregrin Pantopod is suing for £10,000 damages for wrongful expulsion from a club where he was a well respected and fully paid up member

B-J : We were right to sling him out.....that man's presence made a lot of people feel a little jumpy....if not hopping mad

CP : But is it not the case that you ran this charade of a disciplinary process like a kangaroo court ?

B-J : Absolutely not....

CP : So please explain to the court why all the committee members.......including yourself ........dressed up in kangaroo suits .....as seen in this photo ( exhibit no 3 )

B-J : We were celebrating Australia day......

CP : But what on earth possessed the committtee members to address each other with names like Bruce, Joey and Sheila ?

B-J : It was important we maintained our anonymity......... in keeping with our earlier decision to conduct all our sordid business in secret behind closed doors

CP : But isn't that one of the classic hallmarks of kangaroo court proceedings ?

B-J : How dare you insinuate that kangaroos run corrupt courts .....that amounts to unfair discrimination against these incredibly cute animals

CP : Well, let's look at the way you all sprang into action.... to bounce this expulsion through by jumping straight from a guilty verdict to immediate punishment....... poor Peregrin never got a chance to present his side of the story, to defend himself properly, to challenge the verdict or make a plea for a lesser punishment

B-J : There was no point ..... my decision to get rid of him had already been made up long before that meeting .....hells bells ...you don't need to have a trial to find a man guilty of murder, if he was caught standing over a dead body, wafting a bloody knife above his head, shouting " I killed the bastard ".

CP : Ah...but the charge against him was far from clear cut.........this was one that needed to be proved...

B-J : Well....he made lewd sexual innuendoes about my name in front of two very old, very delicate and extremely prudish ladies..

CP : Or so you claim.....but let's consider the fact that many other committee members also harboured prejudices against poor Peregrin..... all brought along to the meeting inside their little pouches. One member, I believe, had made it known to the world at large that he was all for slinging him out ....and that was months before volunteering to head up initial investigation team required to look into the complaint against my client

B-J : True.....but prejudice against him was everywhere you cared to look.....

CP : But prejudice on that scale simply adds up to prejudgement......and that is the crux of my client's case where he is alleging bias. It is such a roo-dimentary obsevation to say that the disciplinary process was flawed, completely lacking in any objectivity and impartiality. Indeed, the life ban itself was an extreme punishment for such a minor incident

B-J : That man ought to be thankful that he wasn't taken outside and shot....

CP : But the final nail in your coffin is that you brought the charge knowing it would carry more weight with the committee who were clearly allied to you from the day they swore an oath of personal allegiance .......Moreover, to act as prosecutor and judge is a caveat that needs to be avoided at all costs if you were to argue that real justice took place....as opposed to the mock justice my client received

B-J : You sir are beginning to annoy me.........

Judge : In the same way Bigot, you are beginning to annoy me .....why even my roo-matoid arthritis is starting to play me up .....and so I'll not beat about the bush...... you sir have condemned yourself with flippant remarks and unacceptable answers. Moreover, your outrageous contempt and ignorance of the law beggars belief. Therefore I have no hesitation in finding in favour of the plaintiff ..... damages asked for will be awarded, and all costs to be met by the defendants

B-J : Bugger....bugger.....bugger....

2012-01-17T13:53:00.000-08:00

BIGOT-JOHNSON'S NO BRAINERS ( OR WHAT SINS HIS PARTNERS SHOULD NEVER COMMIT )
Just recently Judy Kay Wolfe reminded us of the 7 deadly sins to be avoided if you intend to be a top class player. Clearly one of the Dallas Aces knew what he was talking about, by indirectly flagging up the fundamental principles that enable a great team to become an unbeatable one. However I have my own take on what are the worse sins my partners can ever be guilty of.....and believe you me there are more than 7. In fact I would go as far to say there are at least 40 or more, from which this list of 20 certainly take some beating.......cardinal sins of such magnitude that any player found guilt of them should be strung up on a nearby lamp-post .... and hanged !
1. Not thinking
2. Not thinking straight
3. Thinking like a moron
4. Thinking without purpose
5. Magical thinking
6 Wishful thinking
7. Mind hopping
8. Blinkered thinking
9. Muddled thinking
10. Irrational thinking
11. Indecisive thinking
12. Daydreaming
13. Panic thinking
14. Mind walkabouts
15. Whimsical thinking
16. Short circuit thinking
17. Rigid mind set
18. Negative thinking
19. Off-his-head thinking
20. Sheer lunacy

Oh yes, bridge is a game for sharp, precise, astute, extremely analytical thinkers. Therefore it is true to say that if you are prone to committing one or more of the above crimes, your chances of remaining my partner...or making the grade... are nil.

2012-01-17T05:57:00.000-08:00

DOUBLE TROUBLE

......

( Article by Johnny Supremo )

Various labels can be attached

to doubles : speculative, nasty, punitive, frivolous, pointless, solid, silly, thumping,and so on.

Doubling against good players however can be a risky business, because not only does it alert them to unfavourable breaks and distributions, but it may provide them with that extra bit of information needed to steer the contract home ( when under normal circumstances it would fail). I remember a few months ago one double that landed my LHO in a great deal of trouble. It was the last session of a teams match, and neither side could afford mistakes. On the hand above, I opened 1H.... 1S from partner...2C....3H (?) .....4H.......DOUBLE !
This was passed out.....and when dummy came down, on the king of spades lead.....I felt it best not to panic, and set about the play with the air of man who hadn't care in the world. Certainly, dummy's heart holding was not as I envisaged, requiring me to take the view that my LHO's double was based on a trump stack.
So the play went as follows. Spade Ace, followed by a successful diamond finesse to hand. Oh lucky me ! Ace of diamonds followed by three top clubs, pitching away dummy's two losing diamonds. A fourth club ruffed with the heart 10. Back to hand with a spade ruff. Eights tricks in the bag, with West still clinging to his precious KQJxx of hearts. Dummy was down to 4 small spades plus the heart Ace, while I had 98xx of hearts and a wonderful 4 of diamonds.
At trick nine I led this little gem, and now my LHO's goose was well and truly cooked. He had to ruff low, with dummy's heart Ace diving in to take the trick. A spade return was of course ruffed with my 8, and although this was over-ruffed, West was well and truly end played with having to play KQx towards my by 9xx.
On the other table our team mates were defending 3NT, which was a lost cause for declarer on a King of hearts lead. With a big swing on the board the match was ours.......but the glory of course was mine !

2012-01-17T02:15:00.000-08:00

BRIDGE ADDICTION : BIGOT-JOHNSON CONFESSES
( A snippet from a rare 1983 interview with Bigot, when he first established himself as a player with ability and attitude.)

Interviewer : So when did bridge become a major part of your life ?
B-J : Oh...that was when I started a job as a shelf-stacker at my local warehouse. Three years into the job, I remember going to the washroom .......as you do.......trying to make sense of a book about the birds and the bees........and of course struggling to master the art of self-indulgence .....when my supervisor said " Hey...you limp dick.....you should be getting back to work.......and let me guess....... you don't know anything about sex ? "
Well, I had to admit I knew nothing. Naturally, he was shocked.....but nothing like I was when he admitted complete ignorance about the subject as well. Apparently, his older brother knew everything about sex being an able seaman on the HMS Grafter. Unfortunately, this knowledge died with him, when he went down with the ship's crew during the Falklands conflict, seconds after being scuppered in the stern by a rather large torpedo
Interviewer : And for both of you......fully grown ....red-blooded adult men...... to be that ignorant, naive and innocent ........is truly astounding
B-J : Mind you......I suppose if had got going with sex .......putting time and effort into heavy, intense physical relationships.....I would never have got so passionately involved with bridge
Interviewer : So bridge then became your substitute for sex......
B-J : Indeed, it has.....and why not....because let me tell you that bridge is a sport which involves a helluva lot of shafting.... including your partner. ......but the real appeal of the game is that you don't have to exert any physical energy whatsoever....or carry tissues on your person
Interviewer : Well...I can't argue with that.....

2012-01-15T10:19:00.000-08:00

LEADING

CRITICS

CONDEMN
MAGAZINE

AS " NO

JOKE "
WHEN
POOR
PLAYERS
ARE NAMED
AND
SHAMED
AS A
LAUGHING
STOCK

2012-01-14T11:28:00.000-08:00

DESPERATION

FORCES

EDITOR

OF " BAD

BRIDGE "

TO USE
NUDE
PHOTOS
OF

PAGE 3
PIN-UP

GIRLS TO

BOOST

VOLUME

SALES

( Editor apologises for typo error : " bit " instead of " but ". Staff member responsible has been firmly reprimanded and shot. )

2012-01-14T03:40:00.000-08:00

BIGOT-
JOHNSON

TELLS
BRIDGE
CLUB
DISCIPLINARY

PANEL

WHY HE
IS SUCH

AN EVIL

VILLAIN

..........

2012-01-12T06:09:00.000-08:00

REBECCA ROOD'S MAILBAG..........
Dear Rebecca,
During a recent intercity league match my partner and I bid our way to 6D, having unearthed a massive 6-5 fit in trumps, alongside plenty of controls in the side suits.
When dummy came down I had only one side suit loser, missing the Ace of Clubs. However, the slam required me to pick up the King of diamonds.
Quickly in with the Ace of hearts I played the queen of diamonds from hand towards dummy's Ace, hoping to pick up an inadvertant tell from either of my two opponents. No such luck. My LHO quietly played in tempo the deuce. Decision time : do I go up with the Ace or finesse ? I finally opted to play the Ace only to see ( shock, horror ) my RHO show out.
With other pairs comfortably bringing home 5D, this was a game swing against us.
What would you have done ?

Yours Des Perrin
......
Dear Des,
Your letter reads like a sad story where given a 50-50 chance you just happened to guess wrong. Yet in my opinion you didn't go with the true odds.
With two cards missing there are just 4 layout scenarios :
K2.......void
K .........2
2...........K
void......K2
And if you were told before playing a card your LHO did not have a void ( which proved true ), then there are 3 scenarios left, two of which involve your LHO holding the king. This represents odds of around 67%.
So when your LHO dropped the deuce, you can either take the view that the original odds still apply, or that there are only two scenarios left to consider, where the revised odds move to a straight 50-50 guess on who has the King.
Then of course there is the theory that if there are wild suit distributions all round, this suggests that a 2-0 break in diamonds is more likely than a 1-1 split. Therefore if your LHO shows up with the deuce, he has also got the king.
So I would have gone for the finesse, because I believe my way of thinking gives me far more hope and optimism than the harsh realities of statistical probability.

Yours never one for maths at school, Rebecca

2012-01-11T13:47:00.000-08:00

SLAUGHTER HOUSE BC DISCIPLINARY HEARING No. 3504 .............
( Yet again Bigot-Johnson was out to rid the club of another Pantopod . This time it was very popular and well respected Peregrin , the local priest, who had never committed any misdemeanour of any kind in the 7 years he had been a member . Nevertheless a determined and dogged Bigot was out to remove this irrritating thorn from his side, by relying upon his favourite charge of " bringing the club into disrepute " to send him packing. )
B-J : You Peregrin have brought this club into disrepute...
P : No I haven't...
B-J : Indeed you have....you pompous prig of a priest......because it's plain to all and sundry that you have caused people to look upon this club as a slaughter house....
P : But...but that's the name of the club....a name which you personally chose
B-J : Yes...I know that....however, I must point out that it was your Sunday sermon remarks about this place which made people believe it was a place of carnage and death...and not a respectable bridge club with a quirky name
P : Might I remind you...it's never been a respectable bridge club.......dead bodies of missing members keep turning up all over the place
B-J : What the devil are you insinuating ?
P : That it is impossible to bring this club into disrepute.....since it has been in disrepute from the first day it opened its doors.......when outspoken members, who stood up against you, started to mysteriously disappear
B-J : Best we leave that bit of history alone....and move onto the things you said about me...ME the Chairman..... which clearly made the club look bad......and even more disreputable than it was before
P : Such as ....?
B-J : The time you shouted out.... " How hard is it ? "...in front of two very proper and well brought up ladies, who have a real phobia about such manly things..
P : I simply queried who you were...... when I saw a hunched figure bent over...... clearly feeling a bit low down ....." Howard ....is it ? " I said
B-J : Ah... but then you called me "Johnson ".....in front of the same two ladies, who were utterly shocked and appalled at yet another one of your little member references
P : I was just calling you by your surname
B-J : Or so you claim...
P : Well, I didn't get your attention when I called you " Bigot "
B-J : Oh yes....I remember that too.... and everybody who heard that... took it as an accusation of me being an intolerant, two-faced, chauvinistic, dogmatic, opinionated hypocrite....
P : Well all that could be the truth...but at the time I was trying to get your attention by calling out your middle name......
B-J : We all know what you were up to....with your filthy questions, innuendoes and insults
P : Please...please...can we wash our hands of all this nonsense
B-J : Oh yes...we intend to wash our hands.....but only of you.....because this club is committed to finishing off the rigorous and thorough " cleansing " exercise that we initiated months ago, where foul mouthed people like you have been shown the door.....
P : Surely.... these people were decent law abiding folk, caring individuals, charity workers, do-gooders, saints, vicars like myself, dedicated carers, animal lovers....all lovely, kind and generous people......
B-J : Self-righteous bible-bashing troublemakers in my opinion ......the whole lot of them...
P : So that's it then.....I'm being slung out ?
B-J : Yes...and not before time
P : I'm going to appeal .......
B-J : A pointless and futile waste of time.....I chair these damn appeal panels.....now bugger off

2012-01-11T06:37:00.000-08:00

HOW TO BECOME A BIG FISH IN A SMALL POND.......
( Article By Carp )

Most bridge clubs are small voluntary associations made up of people who have a passion for playing a very social yet immensely challenging game. Nevertheless, members use bridge clubs to fulfil many other ulterior motives. These venues are places where one can acquire recognition, prestige and importance, thereby fulfilling some of the higher goals listed in Maslow's hierarchy of needs.
Certain individuals just love the idea of acquiring status and privilege, being in a position of " power and control ". Self-actualisation is achieved when they see themselves as the top dog, the big fish, the number one, and in some instances.... God.
However, don't let the reality of your current situation leave you as one of the dead-beats, the faceless, the riff raff and worthless nobodies. Don't let that view of being an anonymous, unimportant and insignificant person hold you back : go out there and change people's perceptions about who you really are. This of course can be easily done by following my guide on How To Gain Importance And Win Prestige :
1. Worm your way into as many of the club's top teams as possible
2. Become a very active and hands-on committee member
3. Campaign for change even if you don't believe in it
4. Stick as many fingers into as many pies as you can
5. Walk about the place as though you always have a vital mission to fulfil
6. Speak up at AGMs in a commanding way, but only on issues where the majority of members are on your side
7. Only mix with the riff raff for fleeting seconds
8. Make sure you are always seen hobnobbing with the club's elite
9. Beckon people to approach you
10. Wear a club badge of some kind, or clothing that shouts " authority figure "
11. Do whatever it takes get photographs of yourself stuck up on the walls
12. Own that chair you are sitting on, by spreading out in all directions
13. Hold and play the cards with an air of smug satisfaction and self-assuredness
14. Get involved in major disputes, but only back the likely winners
15. Volunteer for all good causes
16. Donate a fabulous trophy ( named after you ) while you are still alive
17. Start rumours about yourself which will certainly enhance your fame and reputation
18. Become the fountain of knowledge, over every bit of gossip going
19. Make yourself indispensable
20. Take on the club's Newsletter, packing it full of articles about yourself
21. Appear likeable and friendly even to those you loathe
22. Only make promises on which you can deliver ( usually small ones )
23. Aim to dress a cut above the rest, especially at big events
24. Immediately assume authority in sudden mini-crisis situations

2012-01-10T08:20:00.000-08:00

DR.JOHN'S CASE NOTES : IRRITATUS TOSARICA
One extremely disturbing psychological disorder, so prevalent within bridge club fraternities, is irritatus tosarica, where players deliberately choose to behave like obnoxious annoying brats. The Latin name given to this condition simply translates into " irritating tossers ".
Victims develop a warped and twisted belief that it is alright to adopt all the worse characteristics of human behaviour which, when challenged, can be easily excused as childish fun, having a laugh, and " oh....you've misread my intentions ".
Nevertheless, this disorder really does bring out The Beast In Man, where every spoken word, gesture and mannerism irritates others to such an extent, confrontations inevitably follow.
Their behaviour can be so annoying, that people in close attendance are often lost for words, being completely stunned by a potent mixture of disbelief and shock. Indeed, even when these tossers stand still and say nothing, their unsavoury presence and aura is enough to make a normal man feel sick, start ripping walls apart with his nails, and screaming in pain. Not surprisingly, these players soon become pariahs in their own club.
Such was the level of resentment against one sufferer, who had plagued every bridge club he had ever joined, " IT " became his widely adopted nickname. As coincidences go, he happened to be an I.T.person, but the most commonly quoted story behind this label laid claim to a rather knowledgeable observer referring to the condition by its two initial letters . However, my research has revealed the shocking truth about how the name first came about. Coined in 1973 at Stainforth BC by the lady Chairman, Ima Teesing, it was meant to reflect her view that anyone with this condition had to be sub-human.....a creation belonging the depths of the underworld, a hideous monster one might find in the best of J.P. Lovecraft's weird and wonderful Cthulhu tales.
As for treatment, these type of clients I leave to the true professionals, who are not only psycho-analysts-come-neuro-scientists, but are well versed in the art of exorcism and white witchcraft.

2012-01-09T14:30:00.000-08:00

BEHAVIOUR WHICH LED TO MANY SLAUGHTER HOUSE BC MEMBERS BEING UNCEREMONIOUSLY CHUCKED OUT..........
( Carp gains access to the transcripts of all the disciplinary hearings)
1. Excessive trumping
2. Not toeing the party line
3. Being exposed as serial squirrel killer

4. Bad mouthing the wrong members behind their back

5 Bad mouthing the wrong members to their face
6. Not washing hands after toilet visits
7. Being a mardy bum
8. Shoving an orange down a TD's throat
9. Shoving an Orange Book down a TD's throat
10. Standing for chairman against Bigot-Johnson
11. Petitioning for change
12. Being an obnoxious, lying, malicious shit-stirrer
13. Exposing the truth
14. Writing unsolicited letters to the committee
15. Detaching a bridgemate from its registered keeper
16. Talking to, or associating with, the wrong types
17. Upsetting the wrong members
18. Upsetting the apple cart
19. Cheating against the wrong players
20. Calling a spade a spade
21. Poking fun at queens
22. Not being politically correct
23. Making allegations of cheating against the wrong players
24. Praying to God ( when being a self-confessed atheist )
25. Using pathetic " it was only a joke " excuses
26. Having a temper
27. Losing one's temper
28. Having distemper
29. Wetting seats
30. Possessing the surname Pantopod
31. Boasting and bragging
32. Heckling Bigot's trophy winning, victory speeches

2012-01-05T16:02:00.000-08:00

"BRINGING A BRIDGE CLUB INTO DISREPUTE": WHAT THE BLUE BLAZES DOES THIS MEAN ?........ ( An article by Professor Hu Chi Ku Chi )
Of all the phrases found in Club Constitutions, this one represents an extremely nebulous, all purpose-thwacking rule. Because let's face it, there are so many difficult questions that need to be answered in order to clarify exactly what it means :
- What is the precise meaning then of the word " disrepute " ?
- How does one know what the undisclosed criteria is to establish the alleged offence ?
- Who is best placed to fix a meaning to the rule ?
- Can a governing body rightfully claim that the club's status is important enough to justify a such a rule ?
- How does one prove that a club's image, reputation, status, or standing in the community, has been damaged and/or tarnished ?
- What evidence is required, and what forms can it take ?
- Is proof just simply the fact that from the committee's point of view, the club's reputation has been converted from a positive one into negative one ?
- Can breach of the rule be established by just proving one dishonourable act by a club member ?
- And does legitimate criticism, say of a committee, cross the boundary of bringing The Club itself into disrepute ?
- Will telling the truth, or carrying out any morally justified act,  be allowed as an acceptable/ lawful defence to any alleged breach of the rule ?
- Is a possible to charge someone with bringing a club into disrepute, when it already has a direputable status ?
A bridge club by and large aims to be a voluntary association of good moral standing, with a good name, respectable law-abiding image, offering a friendly and social environment for people to come along and enjoy a game of cards. If the "disrepute " charge flows from dishonouring or discrediting club/committee members and/or The Club itself, where there clearly is no justification for the attack or where the intent was perhaps malicious / mischievous, then such an allegation would of course be very well founded.
However I have many reservations over such a rule. It seems to me that the original wording   was deliberately designed to be vague and ill-defined. This of course gives the governing body, namely the committee, considerable discretion and leeway in its application. This may well be a good thing if the committee is made up of level-headed, fair open minded, non judgemental people. But on the other hand, if certain committee members have closed minds and are morally bankrupt, then the rule could be applied in many dangerous ways. For instance, legitimate criticisms about the way these members operate will simply be redefined as bringing the club into disrepute, because the committee here will perceive itself as " the club ".
My nightmare vision is that a vengeful committee would interpret the rule is as follows : " We want to punish a member who hasn't broken any specific rules, and so this requires us to punish him/her under a completely ambiguous rule covering anything and everything ". In contract law such an ambiguous, potential vindictive, term would be struck out as being totally unfair ( and therefore unenforceable ) , since it would fail the test of reasonableness as laid down in Unfair Contract Terms Act.

2012-01-05T07:00:00.000-08:00

DR. SIGMUND T. SCHUKELGRUBER'S LATEST POETIC MASTERPIECE.......
( Lyrics inspired by the Elvis Presley song entitled "Hound Dog " )

You ain't nothing but a mean hog
Biddin' all the time
You ain't nothing but a mean hog
Biddin' all the time
Well by deprivin' me of good scores
You ain't no friend of mine

You never allow me to play a hand
How selfish can you get
You never allow me play a hand
How selfish get you get
Well, thanks for all those bottoms, mate
God...I wish we'd never met

You ain't nothing but a mean hog
A self-destructive fool
You ain't nothing but a mean hog
A self-destructive fool
So if you start pinchin' other contracts
I'm gonna lose my cool

Well, they said you were high class
But that was just a lie
Yes, they said you were high class
But that was just a lie
'Cus when I look at where we come
It makes me wanna cry

2012-01-05T01:41:00.000-08:00

DR.JOHN'S MOST TROUBLED CLIENT ...........

Dr.J : Oh no ..it's you Bigot

B-J : 'Fraid so.....

Dr.J : So what's your problem this time ?

B-J : Well...I keep having nightmares... about the queen of spades. This dark lady .....this femme fatale......is a demon, who is clearly out to get me. You see..... whenever I get a really bad board, she is always to blame.

Dr J : Now now Bigot..........I think you are over exaggerating here.......it is only a card......just one of 4 harmless queens

B-J : No bloody way........for which ever hand she is in....she still manages to cast her evil spell over me. If I hold the wretched card, then the opponents always manage to throw me in with her for a spectacular end play....or should they set out to capture her, she always alerts them to her presence. But should the opponents hold the queen and I have a two-way finesse, I'm never able to locate the evasive bitch. And whenever I hold the Ace/King of spades, she always manages to evade them both, thereby securing a trick for the enemy

Dr.J : In my opinion Bigot..... you are a victim of an acute persecution complex.... or a frightening form of paranoia
B-J : Listen you overcharging quack.....allow me to explain my plight.....for this damn card has become a curse......one which is responsible for me never being able to win an event....and that even goes for a friday night duplicate against complete rabbits down at the Walnut Tree. So allow me to give you an example ( from this hand below ) ...on the lead of the jack of clubs ( covered all round ) , I set about making 4S. I could see that if the King of hearts was right, then pairs who had bid 6S were going to make at least 12 easy tricks. But if the king was wrong I still needed to try and beat all those who would be bidding and making 4S plus one. So I delayed taking out trumps by leading the jack of hearts at trick 2, expecting the woodentop East to continue with clubs if he took the trick. However, when this smart arse won with the king.... back came the heart 8. This was ruffed low by West who smartly switched to a diamond. In with the Ace, East pushed back another heart, which I was forced to ruff with the King of spades. I immediately tackled trumps, but when West played the 8 of spades...........I was convinced he held the queen as well ......and so I finessed.....losing to that stiff bitch-of-card ........... which of course was lurking in East's hand after all..... giving me another horrendous bottom !
Dr.J : I see where you're coming from now...
B-J : But there's so many other horror stories I could tell you about........

Dr. J : Just how many more ?

B-J : Thousands.....where I've been TURNED OVER, SCREWED, SPIKED, SHAFTED, NAILED, AND CRUCIFIED by that mean sadistic Black Maria

Dr.J : So... I'll book you in then for a few more sessions ?

B-J : Yes......yes.....

Dr.J : But we could be taking about £2000's worth of therapy...

B-J : Bugger me....you're both as bad as each other

( Hand was
North : AJ10....AQ109x.... QJ.......Qxx
South : K97xxxx ....Jx.......Kxx.......A
East : Q..........K8xxx....... Axx.......Kxxx
West : 8x............ x...........xxxxx...J109xx )

2012-01-03T10:03:00.000-08:00

BIGOT-JOHNSON IMPOSES NEW RULES UPON THE UNSUSPECTING MEMBERS OF THE SLAUGHTER HOUSE BRUDGE CLUB..............
1. No whistleblowing
2. No blowing coke
3. No major blow outs except in the toilet
4. No blowing one's top
5. No blowing hot and cold
6. No blow-up dolls to be brought onto the premises
7. No blowing up the premises
8. No blowing your own trumpet
9. No blow jobs on members
10. No blowing in the wind ( for answers )
11. No full-blown rows
12. No blowing raspberries
13. No blowing hot air
14. No coming to blows
15. No blowing one's brains out
16. No blowing things out of proportion
17. No blowing anyone down with a feather
18. No huffs no puffs to blow the house down
19. No blowing off steam
20. No blowing an ill wind THAT MIGHT SCREW US ALL UP

2012-01-02T13:10:00.000-08:00

BIGOT-JOHNSON'S GUIDE ON WORMING YOUR WAY INTO THE CLUB'S FIRST TEAM.......
All too often you find yourself on the threshold of breaking into the club's first team, but as an outsider the door is locked. You are not one of the chosen few, because let's face it well established friendships and loyalties run deep. But there is a way in ......and this guide ( full of key advice ) will enable you to unlock that door. Indeed, your moment of destiny may be just around the corner, providing of course you follow my instructions to the letter....
1. Start the process off by only partnering good players who are well capable of lifting your average
2. Ditch these players as soon as possible for better players, claiming the previous lot were holding back your progress
3. Unearth all the dirty washing you possible can regarding the lives of those who are heavily involved in the selection process
4. Make these people aware of your inside knowledge but make it also known that you are very trustworthy and discrete
5. Never suck down : only suck up
6. Believe in the power of bluff and master the art of faking sincerity
7. Lie whenever you have a good chance of getting away with it
8. Expose, frame, and eliminate those players who are just ahead of you in the selection queue
9. Sponsor lesser known but cracking good players whenever, and wherever, possible
10. Select Congress venues where the fields are likely to be weak, therefore guaranteeing you loads of easy greenies
11. When rubbing shoulders with the club's elite, join in with their laughing and joking , and win their affections, but remember to choose the right moment for a bit of impresive name dropping
12. Write a bridge blog, to sit along side those of the world class experts, aiming to set up a meaningful dialogue with them
13. If necessary, write up imaginary interviews with some of the world's most revered most bridge celebrities in order to consolidate your global reputation
14. Get yourself voted onto the club's committee, taking up a key post or position which allows to influence ( and change ) the way the selection process is carried out
15. Take up ( and practise ) the dark art of hypnotism
16. Constantly make connections, and open up channels of communications, with people who are (a) really important and (b) unbelievably gullible
17. Always make your yourself heard and highly visible
18. Use your increasing power base on the committee to appoint new " sensible, open minded " people " onto the panel of selectors
19. Volunteer yourself ( or one of your minions) to chair this revised panel
20. Once your selection to the first team is made and confirmed, you must then maintain that high profile, by standing tall at all times, and walking around the club full of self-importance, arrogance and conceit

2012-01-02T02:42:00.000-08:00

EUPHEMISMS COMMONLY USED AT THE SLAUGHTER HOUSE BRIDGE CLUB.........
- The club is moving forward : accelerating downhill towards oblivion
- Members must pull together : put up and shut up
- Thought leadership : brainwashing
- Very approachable : one has to grovel
- Team player : compliant and obedient
- Not a team player : arrogant, unpredictable maverick
- Proactive : interfering busy body
- Reactive : quick-tempered, easily provoked
- New dynamic team : as useless as all those they replaced
- On our radar : we know all about you
- It's come to our attention : our spies have told us
- Club faces big challenges : we're doomed
- Committee gives 110% : works its socks off to cover its tracks
- Disciplinary hearing : Spanish inquistion
- We welcome your views : hearing is one thing, listening is another
- Best practice : strict, inflexible, uncompromising requirements
- Robust committee members : likely to crack under pressure
- Ordinary club members : irrelevant riff raff
- That 2% : the proportion of the membership who can't be duped, bought or bullied
- Club has ambitious goals : its mission statement is embodied in its name
- Our revered chairman : the devil himself ( Bigot-Johnson )
- Student members : potential block voters

2012-01-01T03:15:00.000-08:00

BRIDGE BOOKS TO BRIGHTEN UP YOUR NEW YEAR..... ( Recommendations by Pun )

How Come You've Stopped Playing Bridge ?...........Benjamin Knightley
Cheaters Never Get Anything Past Me.......................I.C. Hall
Most Members Like To Come In The Back Way.......Ria N. Trance
My Bridge Success Is Down To One Thing................Jean E. Lamp
Putting Him Into The First Team Is A Risk..................Willie Copewell
We're Well Ahead Of Our Nearest Rivals...................Clair Bluewater
Continuous Improvement In Bridge..............................Kay Zenn
Who The Hell Has Taken My Sitting Seat ? ...............Goldie Locks
How I Made It To The Banbury Cross Congress .......Rhoda Whitehorse
The Bridge World Is Full Of Thieving Cheats..............Ali Barber

2011-12-30T16:33:00.000-08:00

PARTNER STRESSING YOU OUT ? : BIGOT HAS A CALMING SOLUTION......
No matter how well you are playing, your idiot partner just sits there converting potential tops into galactic bottoms. You are at the end of your tether. Frustrated to the point of going insane,  you are ready to explode. Your stress levels are off the graph. However, your immediate concern is that this kind of acute stress will activate your ulcers, possibly forcing you to give up the game which has become your life.
Clearly, the risk of developing a serious mental problem becomes all too apparent. You're well on the way to having a serious nervous breakdown. Yet, something can be done to settle your nerves, and to deal with all that mental anguish and pain. Indeed, I have nicked a superb stress-management technique that will remove all those negative emotions.....and return you back to a state of tranquillity, calmness, contentment and bliss. By following the 4 steps listed below, you can be absolutely certain that partner-induced stress can be eliminated on the spot, enabling you to play out the remainder of the session in a positive frame of mind.......
1. Picture yourself beside a stream on a beautiful sunny day
2. Listen to the birds twittering in the trees, and the soft whisper of a warm and pleasant breeze. Nobody knows of this secret place, this perfect retreat, this wonderful sanctuary......a  paradise created and designed in accordance with all your hopes dreams, and wishes.
3. You are in total seclusion, away from the insanity and chaos of the bridge tables.
4.  But now listen to the gentle sound of the stream, filling the air with its soothing babble. Cast your eyes down at the nearby rock pool..... so clear and blue....so pure and clean.... you can not help but see the bulging eyes of your bastard partner you're steadfastly holding down under the water....... as he fights in vain for breath
And once you sense that total stillness ......a new stress-free person can now return to the reality of the world of bridge

2011-12-29T04:26:00.000-08:00

MORE CLASSIC EUPHEMISMS FROM THE WORLD OF BRIDGE : WHAT THEY SAY BUT WHAT THEY REALLY MEAN.... ( Article by Carp )
- An resolute chairman : a little Hitler
- A thoughtful player : a procrastinating bastard
- A versatile player : resorts to cheating when necessary
- Been playing for years : well past his sell-by date
- An ideal player for your team : certainly not good enough for ours
- A visionary player : takes wild punts
- An ideal candidate for the committee : can be trusted to turn a blind eye
- The teachers here are not that bad : a case of the blind leading the blind
- Not a bad loser : resentful and peevish
- A temperamental and unforgiving player : will kill you at the drop of a hat
- A succcessful AGM : dissent replaced by dejection and apathy
- An encouraging turnout : nearly two full tables

2011-12-29T03:48:00.000-08:00

BIGOT'S CONSCIENCE GETS PRICKED BY GUILT AND SHAME........ ( Another nearly true story by Bridgemeister Gibson )

Bigot had always thought that Edith had a reasonably contented life as his stay-at-home wife. However, soon after she died he began to question whether or not he had been a decent and caring husband, given the colossal amount of time he spent playing bridge down at his local club.
Worried that the answer might possibly be " no" , he set off to visit a well known psychic to see if he could contact her. The psychic went into a trance, and a strange breeze wafted through the darkened room. Then Bigot heard the unmistakeable voice of his dearly departed wife.
" Dearest Edith ", he cried, " Is that you ? "
" Yes......my husband it is ", she replied.
" Are you happy ? "
" Yes....surprisingly so. "
" Happier than you were with me ? "
" Oh yes....my husband........without doubt. "
" Thank God for that ..." cried Bigot, " ....so heaven must be an amazing place after all ? "
" Oh no.....", said his wife , " I'm not in heaven......"

2011-12-28T22:28:00.000-08:00

BRIDGE ADDICTION : ANOTHER AMAZING NEARLY TRUE STORY ABOUT BIGOT-JOHNSON.............. ( By Bridgemeister Gibson )

For someone nudging 64 , Bigot-Johnson had the image and appearance of a fit and healthy young man. He always walked with a spring in his step, looking full of energy and vitality. One night, when Bigot was propping up the club bar, one member was so taken back by his youthful countenance, he felt obliged to ask Bigot about his secret to eternal youth.
" Bigot .....I find it hard to believe you are 63. From the shape you are in I would have said you were nearer 35. How do you do it ? "
" Simple...it's all down to lack of rumpy pumpy....and a healthy living style. You see early on our marriage my wife and I argued bitterly, each and every night I told her I was off to the bridge club. Inevitably, the argument came to an abrupt end when I was thrown out of the door, only to hear the sound of a turning key and sliding bolts........"
" I see " said the bewildered member, " but how does that explain your good health and Peter Pan looks ? "
" Well...for the past 40 years........I've never had the chance to overdo things physically......but the main reason.... of course... is that I've spent most of my life permanently outside in the fresh air "

2011-12-28T03:10:00.000-08:00

BRIDGE v. CHESS : SO WHICH IS THE MORE CHALLENGING GAME ?........ ( Article by Dr. Sigmund T. Schukelgruber )

Many people would say chess offers the greatest challenge in a world of so many excellent mind sports. Certainly, it is a purer game than bridge in that it that the loser only has himself to blame. Defeat has nothing to do with luck, or any other outside random factor : defeat is the direct result of being out-thought and out-manoeuvred by a more skillful opponent.
However, there is no disputing the fact that bridge players face far greater challenges, having so many more obstacles to overcome before victory can be assured. By having these additional challenges the game becomes a more demanding mind sport, which is turn makes it the hardest and best game in the world. Indeed, the obstacles listed below require bridge players to possess far more than superb technical card skills, if they are to succeed at the highest level.....
1. Developing a perfect partnership understanding where it is essential that both players are thinking and on operating on the same wavelength
2. As declarer having to overcome the combined brainpower of two opponents ( not just one )
3. Utilising an ever growing body of past information and inferences about the bidding, and play of the cards, to re-evaluate your very next move
4. Being a victim of undetectable cheating, both of the soft and hard variety
5. Being a victim of the random injustice when a TD's discretionary rulings going against you
6. Playing like a true champion but getting poor results simply because of the insanity of what is happening elsewhere in the room
7. Being undone by players who are far inferior, as for instance when they secure an undeserved top by their gross under-bidding
8. Never being able to build or capitalise on an early success, in that the opponents are always back in the hunt with everything to play for on the very next board
9. Having to cope with a greater level of background noise and distractions
10. Having to overcome and deal with partner's mistakes along with your own
So, in my opinion, any one who wins at bridge, playing fairly and honestly, have done so by not only being good technically adept players, but as heroes who have overcome all other challenges. Bridge, unlike chess, is a like huge battlefield, where there are so many things that can (and will ) go wrong, and where there are so many factors and/or circumstances beyond one's control. In chess a player can see everything that is going on right there infront of his eyes..... all the remaining pieces..... and where each could possibly be moved. In contrast, a bridge player needs to working out how results might unfold elsewhere in the room, and always having to make decisions when never quite certain of what is still lurking in an opponent's armory, or what their next play will be. Indeed, it is the expectation of the unexpected that makes bridge the best and most challenging game in the world today.

2011-12-26T15:52:00.000-08:00

BIGOT-

JOHNSON

PLEADS

WITH

PUN

COME

WITH

MORE

BIG

IMPACT
HEADLINES
.........

2011-12-25T15:52:00.000-08:00

SURVEY

REVEALS

" BAD

BRIDGE "

READERS

HAVEN'T

GOT A

CLUE

ABOUT

THE GAME

...BUT THEY

WHOLE -

HEARTEDLY
AGREE THAT

THE MAGAZINE

SURE MAKES

THEM LOOK

GOOD !

2011-12-24T01:47:00.000-08:00

DRINKING SONG - A FESTIVE FAVOURITE AT THE SLAUGHTER HOUSE BRIDGE CLUB ( to the tune and rhythm of The 12 Days of Christmas )
                  .............................
               On the night of the Christmas party
                            it was all too plain to see:

                            Twelve Members Fiddling
                            Eleven Rent Boys Blowing
                              Ten Gaylords Grooming
                                Nine Ladies Trumping
                                  Eight Maids Alluring
                                 Seven Poodles Panting
                                 Six Ganders Squawking
                                     Five Brown Rings
                                     Four Rough Shags
                                     Three Quick Terns
                                        Two Great Tits
                          and a Partridge Up A Bum Tree

2011-12-23T16:54:00.000-08:00

LIES, DAMNED LIES AND THUNDERING BIG WHOPPERS........ ( Article by Carp )

Bridge players are renown for their exaggerations. hyperboles, little white lies, and the occasional fibs, but some go all the way with outrageous whopping big lies. Euphemism has its place in attempting to soften the blow of harsh and uncomfortable truths, but when an absolute falsehood is being made they can be no justification for it whatsoever. So here is my list of the 20 biggest porkies ever to come from the mouths of truly accomplished liars.....
1. It's always a pleasure to partner you......
2. Take this as a mild criticism....
3. Of course, I respect your judgement...
4. I promise not to get onto you....
5. I'm glad you rang, I was just going to call you....
6. I'd love to buy you a drink, but I haven't any money on me....
7. It doesn't matter if you make a mistake....
8. I'll not mention this " cock-up" of yours to anybody....
9. You can trust me....
10. I was magnificent.....
11. Listen partner, I know what I'm doing.....
12. I'm so sorry....I've double-booked......
13. I always have what my bids promise....
14. I swear to God I'll stick to the system....
15. I'm not one for bearing grudges....
16. It's not my fault....
17. No way did I hesitate then....
18. I didn't hear a thing said on the next table....
19. It's not me who's slow....

20. That wasn't meant as an insult...

2011-12-23T06:38:00.000-08:00

LAW REPORT : R v. BIGOT-JOHNSON (2012 )

( The courtroom was deathly quiet as Bigot-Johnson strode in to take his place in the dock. The world's press were all in attendance to witness the biggest case ever to come to the Old Bailey in years. Bigot, as usual, decided to defend himself, and a short extract from the trial's transcript appears below. )

Prosecuting Counsel (PC) : The accused, Bigot-Johnson, is an evil monster whose evil and wickedness is beyond all imagination

B-J : I object to these defamatory remarks

PC : M'Lud, the facts, as your Lordship will come to appreciate, are not in dispute in this case...

B-J : Yes, they bloody well are....

PC : This low-life apology for a human being has...... ever since he took over the running of the Slaughter House Bridge Club....made 43 attempts to take away the poor Percy Pantopod's life.......43 attempted murders....so I ask you....how can any one like that be allowed to run and manage a respectable bridge club ?

B-J : Excuse me.... but the Slaughter House isn't respectable !

Judge : What....43 attempts ?......Is the man a psychopath or a first rate bungler ?

PC : Both

Judge : And are these 43 attempts all similar in their modus operandi?

PC : They are exactly the same M'Lud in that Bigot knew that Percy had a very weak heart, which could fail at any time if he was agitated, over-excited, or rattled in any way..... any kind antagonistic behaviour , which would cause him to blow his stack, to make his blood race....even boil or explode ! Therefore, the accused set about insulting Percy with the most provocative, defamatory..... or dare I say....inflammatory.....abuse, which his sadistic, bitter and twisted mind was more than capable of dreaming up

Judge : Did no one question Bigot's intentions at the time ?

PC : Oh yes...very much so....but they always received the same stock answer...." I was only joking "

B-J : I was....I was

PC : Well, if you were only joking....Percy Pantopod never got the joke...

B-J : Too right he didn't...the man's a moron

Judge : Well...Bigot...if you failed to get him to appreciate the joke behind all this vitriolic and vile abuse you heaped upon him.....on each of 42 previous occasions.... then why persist with a 43rd attempt ?

B-J : I'm not one for quitting.....

Judge : An admirable quality.....but it seems to me your intent may have been far more sinister given Percy's delicate heart condition

PC : Yes....these devastating psychological and verbal attacks.....were never intended as jokes..... Bigot wanted this man dead.....it's his mission in life....his overwhelming obsession

B-J : Might I be allowed to point out... that if you were to read the things I've said over the years to Percy....you would surely see that not only are my observations about him colourful and witty......they are so gross that the presence of sarcasm is patently obvious, which suggests that even an imbecile would interpret a meaning completely opposite to the literal meaning of the words used.......hence it can be proved I was only seeking to compliment this man, who is too much of a buffoon to appreciate the subtle joke in the absurdity of my phrasing, clever choice of antonyms and sharp irony

Judge : A rather obscure and unusual approach to show respect for someone......

PC : What on earth are you saying M'Lud ?

Judge : Well, it seems to me....there is no evidence of criminal intent......only an illogical, if not pathetic and warped, intent to use sarcasm to praise a fool, who happens to have a weak heart....and one who clearly doesn't know what sarcasm is.....and on that basis I am bringing this case to a close.....

B-J : Hoorah....does this mean I'm a free to continue with my quest.....

Judge : Oh if you must..... since I cannot allow a person's freedom of speech to be undermined by sentiment....

B-J : Thank you your honour..... and oh yes.....a cheque is already on its way

2011-12-23T00:03:00.000-08:00

PROFESSOR HU CHI KU CHI EXPLORES HOW A BRIDGE PLAYER'S ATTITUDE CHANGES OVER TIME........

When people first take up bridge they arrive at the club with enthusiasm, open minds and a honest desire never to judge others unfairly, simply by focusing on their own mistakes . But as the years pass by their attitudes change, and eventually they start to display all the characteristics associated with grumpy old people : bitter, twisted, intolerant, impatient, cynical, complaining, cantankerous, awkward and unforgiving.

Indeed, my detailed research breaks down these attitude changes into 7 sequential stages, as listed below :

1. Uncritical acceptance of others

2. Wild enthusiasm to learn more

3. Dejected disillusionment over lack of progress

4. Total confusion over analysis of any problem hand

5. Transference of blame onto others ( as self-denial sets in )

6. Manic desire to punish all those declared guilty

7. Gradual withdrawal from the game before complete abandonment

2011-12-22T23:49:00.000-08:00

BIGOT- JOHNSON

STICKS TWO

FINGERS

UP AT THE

ESTABLISH-

-MENT BY

TAKING

BRIDGE

INTO

THE

REALMS

DARKNESS,

DEPRAVITY

AND

DEMONOLOGY

..........

2011-12-21T12:29:00.000-08:00

" BAD

BRIDGE "

CELEBRATES

ITS

25th

EDITION

DESPITE

CRITICS

TEARING

THE

MAGAZINE

INTO

SHREDS

.........

.......

2011-12-20T12:33:00.000-08:00

DR.JOHN'S CASE NOTES : INREVOCATUS CONSOLIO

The time has come for me to talk about a condition so terrible, I simply refuse to treat any clients who have been diagnosed with it. Although this psychological disorder will affect only a few players , every bridge club will encounter this problem. For anyone cursed with inrevocatus consolio, he or she is compelled to heap untold misery, irritation and annoyance on those they choose to target.

Once the symptoms really take hold, nothing stops them dishing out unwanted advice. Sufferers completely delude themselves that the advice is of great value, and will be most appreciated. As a result they lavish great dollops of it on all those they feel will surely benefit from such pearls of wisdom. Strangely, there is never any intent to earn praise or reward, because it is the thought of being considered wiser than anybody else that drives them on.

Without exception, victims of this disorder end up receiving nothing but derision and ingratitude. They are unable perceive or recognise any negative response ! No matter how many attempts are made to impart wisdom onto others, their observations are repeatedly slagged off as irrelevant and insupportable.

However, nothing can stop them in their quest to enlighten those who seemingly play the game in abject ignorance with total lack of foresight. Their interjections are therefore seen as both necessary and vital, and any protestations about their irritating and annoying opinions are simply dismissed as " misplaced and misguided ". Indeed, a battery of " intro's " have been used as a means of worming their way into other players' private bridge discussions. Classic " butt- ins " such as :

- Excuse me ......

- Sorry to say, but you are wrong.....

- might I be allowed to make an observation.....

- I think my opinion could shed some light on this matter....

- if my experience counts for anything.....

- although I'm a little long in the tooth, I do know something about bridge....

- take a friendly hint from me.....

- I feel I need to correct you on this particular point....

- I couldn't help overhearing, but....

- however averse I am to offering advice, I consider it my duty to comment here....

- it is certainly not my right to comment, yet at the same time, there is a need to correct a wrong...

- how on earth did you manage to overlook this ?......

-oh dear, you have clearly neglected caution here ......

- you ought not to have done that.....

- I think my opinion is needed here

The list of unwelcome interjections seems endless, but since these poor afflicted souls perceive themselves as know- it- all gurus, it has become impossible to bring them down to earth as grounded people. As clients, they are hell to work with, as they constantly bombard me with advice on how to do my job properly ! The idea that they have a problem, or that their advice is flawed by a shocking combination of appalling ignorance and breath-taking arrogance, is completely alien to them. So not only will these delusional predators remain in constant self-denial, but they will always be there, waiting to pounce, the next time you go to the club.

2011-12-20T08:50:00.000-08:00

EVEN MORE BRIDGE BOOKS FOR ROY TO RAVE ABOUT........ ( Says Pun after his visit to Newcastle-under-Lyme & District BC)

The Committee It Seems Dislikes Him Intensely............John Diss
I've Never Seen Two Players Argue Like That......Barney Allwright
Hurling Bridgemates: Now That's A Hanging Offence ! .....Sue Watt
In The Meantime You Are Suspended.........................Seth Who
Listen, I'm Going Where No One Can Find Me..............Heidi Hole
That Kibitzer's Always Looking Over Her Shoulder...Seymore Brest
Why's That Woman Looking For A New Partner ? .....Herman Lefter
They're After You Partner, Tell Me What To Do ?.........Ward M. Hoff
How To Play Tricks On Unsuspecting Opponents........Dick Puller
I'm After A Partner To Go All The Way With..Linda May/ Sally Forshaw

2011-12-19T04:46:00.000-08:00

BIGOT-JOHNSON'S SHOCKING REVELATION....... ( A secretly recorded conversation set up by the devious and cunning Percy Pantopod )

Percy : Bigot....it does seem odd ....almost incongruous in fact..... that you .....a nasty, hard-nosed, ultra-aggressive, mean spirited bridge player...... have taken up a job as a senior nurse in charge of an intensive care unit at Bawtry Hospital

Bigot : Hmm...now you've brought that fact to my attention......it does seem odd

Percy : So what on earth possessed you to become a nurse when you know yourself to be a cruel, heartless, sadistic bastard......who sets out to make every one's life a misery......especially those who happen to be sitting at the same bridge table as you

Bigot : I must admit I do get a perverted kick out of seeing people suffer........but that's all down to the abuse I received as an incarcerated child at the orphanage

Percy : Well, let's not delve into that.....I want to know if there are other ....more positive.....reasons why you took up nursing ?

Bigot : Well....think of the opportunities I have.....each and every day..... to flirt with young, fresh-faced, highly susceptible, incredibly vulnerable, female nurses

Percy : Yes....but please jesting aside.....I want to know the real reasons for taking up this very rewarding job, where patients are brought back from the brink of death to be re-united with their families and friends ?

Bigot : Yes....you're right......the job offers me so many good things.....the challenge, the teamwork, the sense of responsibility.......erm....helping people get better, and the job satisfaction that comes with that.....the benefit from building up great nurse-patient relationships......and owww.....the drugs I get free access to..... those wonderful, uplifting, mind blowing drugs.......owww, there is nothing quite like the euphoric experience I get from these multi-coloured magical pellets......each one a tiny pharmaceutical miracle....... and owww.......the sheer intoxicating bliss......of being able to float...... to fly through the air.....such indulgence....and all on a chemical diet.....made in heaven.... there on hand...... to fulfil all my pleasure and enlightenment needs

Percy : I've think I've got enough......

Bigot : Enough of what...

Percy : Evidence....to get you into some very serious trouble......

Bigot : You bugger....

2011-12-18T14:47:00.000-08:00

JOHNNY DOES IT YET AGAIN...........................

With both sides sharing the points, it seemed odds on that a game contract was going to be a stretch.......but no....the bidding got so lively Johnny found himself in 6S doubled with West having pushed him all the way in diamonds.

On the Ace of diamonds lead, dummy came down with a disappointing : Jx....Jxxx....xxx....J109x

Johnny looked at his AKxxxx....AQx...void......Axxx, initially estimating a 10 trick haul with likely losers in spades, hearts and clubs.

West held : Qxx.....K.....AK109xxx....KQ

East Held : xx....xxxxx......QJx.......xxx

The play was swift and exquisite. The Ace of diamonds was ruffed in hand. A low spade ( ducked By West ! ) with dummy's jack taking the trick. Two rounds of trumps, followed by the ace of hearts dropping West's stiff King ! Then came two top hearts, followed by the Ace of clubs felling West's queen ! So after conceding a club to the King, Johnny claimed..... with nothing left....... other than black suit winners.

So I asked Johnny how he arrived at this line of play.

" Well ", he said, " I knew on the bidding West had all the points .....bar a bit in diamonds.....based on the bidding and his greedy double. No doubt he thought he had a spade and club winner, and possibly a heart. So a huff was called for.....and a low spade away from my AK towards dummy's jack would now offer him an irresistible temptation. Might not a reasoning West believe that East had to hold the stiff Ace of spades ? Therefore it could be good sense to duck, because now the defence can take two trump tricks. Moreover, if the jack did hold then surely declarer would seize the opportunity to take the losing heart finesse. A win-win situation.

Thankfully, West failed the test and the huff worked. Then came the Ace of hearts simply because West had to hold the King, and this do-or-die play had everything to gain...... and nothing to lose, as one could see from the result. Again playing the Ace of clubs catered for either West holding a stiff honour or the doubleton KQ. Long odds I know....but looking to finesse East for a club honour required two entries to dummy which I did not have. "

So was this making slam down to luck ? Or down to simple logic ? Or down to pure class ? All I know is that when kibitzers say " That Johnny...what a player...what a man " I'm most obliged to agree with them.

2011-12-18T02:36:00.000-08:00

TWO PLAYERS TALKING BRIDGE.......OR SEEMINGLY SO

( As overheard by Pun )

- How are tricks ?

- Tricks....what do you mean ?

- You know......tricks

- Ok....I guess

- Pulled in any beauties ?

- Beauties.....what do you mean ?

- You know....beauties

- I only wish....

- Scored big lately ?

- Scored big.....what do you mean ?

- You know...scored....big

- Oh......once or twice

- But you like to be on top ?

- On top .....what do you mean ?

- You know.....on top

- Naturally...that's because I'm English

- So tell me about your best hand ?

- Best hand .....what do you mean ?

- You know........best hand

- Oh...that's my right of course

- My god......what a wanker you are !

2011-12-17T05:29:00.000-08:00

SLAUGHTER HOUSE BC DISCIPLINARY HEARING No.3094.........

( In what was to be the 900th hearing in the current year, an over-worked committee now had the awkward Paisley " Pongo" Pantopod to deal with , an obstinate but deeply conscientious and moral man. He was being charged, as a former committee member, with breach of confidentiality, when he decided to broadcast to all and sundry the committee's plan to set up and " frame" undesirable members simply to get them banned from the club. Unfortunately for Pongo, the architect of this dastardly plan was Bigot -Johnson, who elected himself to chair this meeting. An extract from the hearing's transcript appears below. )

B-J : You Pongo ought to be ashamed of yourself.......how could you as an acting committee member breach this sacred duty of confidentiality ?

Pongo : I believed I was acting in accordance with a higher duty... being one of a conscientious whistle blower, who felt obliged to expose malpractice within the committee...... I was unfortunately a member of at the time

B-J : You betrayed us you two-faced Judas !

Pong0 : I faced two dilemmas....balancing my right to free speech and independence ( as an ordinary member ) .....with the moral obligations of confidence and respect owed to the committee to whom I was elected to serve

B-J : But you turned out to be nothing more than a dirty rotten squealer.....

Pongo : And besides the real fear of victimisation resulting from my disclosures, the fundamental dilemma involves of course the conflicting loyalties between the desire to follow one's conscience and moral beliefs, exposing malpractice.........AGAINST a desire to conform to a culture of loyalty and confidentiality......albeit displaced....

B-J : The simple fact is this, Pongo..... you're an informer.....and a despicable traitor....

Pongo : The motives for my whistle-blowing broadcasts were purely to draw your attention to the committee's failings, primarily to avert a great harm being done to the club. No doubt you all saw it as morally unjustifiable on the presumption that it violates the obligations to stay loyal and to adhere to a duty of confidentiality. Yet I maintain that whistle blowing is essential, if it reveals genuine wrongs were being committed against innocent people, born out of personal agendas and/or vendettas.

B-J : We, on this committee, hate any kind sneak...snake in the grass.....and stool pigeon.....such as you

Pongo: Sadly, in all social clubs, and especially this one, there is this culture of misplaced loyalty, where committees feel that loyalty is owed to them first and foremost. Indeed, there is an automatic condemnation of those who are prepared to expose the truth. Not surprising therefore that every committee member is put under considerable pressure to only voice their dissent within the meeting ....but never to a wider audience.....such as other interested parties ...and those with sympathetic ears. Yet this would mean turning a blind eye to malpractice which in itself is morally wrong.........

B-J : I 've heard enough of this pontificating clap trap...because as I see it you are without doubt the biggest blabbermouth I've ever come across.....

Pong0 : Confidentiality rules have their purpose and place in committee affairs.....data protection is now firmly established as law of the land. Moreover, sensitive information which could harm or adversely affect an individual and or his/her reputation...... should never be made public. I agree....there has to be confidence in equity...... but there's no issue in broadcasting information concerning improper procedures and/or immoral practices, because this makes the opposite hold true ...there can be no confidence in inequity.

B-J : You sir...are a fool....but worse than that ....a tell-tale snitcher....a rat.....a renegade, who we have got no time for....... what still concerns us was your total lack of loyalty to the cause.

Pongo : Those innocent members who you were prepared to kick out by foul means had a right to know what plots were being hatched against them .... so where was to the committee's loyalty towards them ?

B-J : They were disruptive elements within the club who had to be slung out...... and the ends will always justify the means. We chose to ignore your idiotic and dissenting remarks.....and you should have respected the majority view.....and stayed dumb.....but oh no......you had to rock the boat.....and now it's payback time !

Pongo : In defence of my whistle blowing I would like to say I did not act in bad faith....I believed that what I did was right....I was trying to protect innocent people from being set up.....moreover, I didn't disclose what actually took place for any personal motive or gain.....merely to stop a serious wrong being carried out.....since all my attempts to achieve this on the inside had failed...

B-J : We not listening...... anyway the decision has already been made weeks before ......you've been on our list for sometime now....and as from from today you're banned..........and that's the end of it........now bugger off and join the other three thousand and ninety-three rejects !

2011-12-15T02:24:00.000-08:00

BRIDGE ADDICTION............ ( Another shocking tale from Bridgemeister Gibson )

Bigot-Johnson had shacked up with the woman of his dreams : a curvaceous sexy looking blonde, who not only owned a liquor store, but always spoke warm kind words in a soft honeydew whisper. Tragically, she was admitted to hospital for tests after experiencing severe abdominal pains. After getting the test results at the hospital the consultant told her " I'm sorry to tell you that you haven't long to live. I give you twenty-four hours at the most." Distraught, the woman went home with one pressing and urgent need : " Darling, I've only got hours to live....so come on now...take me upstairs and make wild passionate love to me all night .... "

Bigot looked at her tetchily and said : " How selfish can one be.... you know it's bloody Thursday......and I'm down to play bridge tonight ! "

2011-12-15T00:54:00.000-08:00

JOHNNY

SUPREMO

HAS

THE

ANSWER

........

When lesser

mortals

floundered

in their

quest to

steer a

small slam

home,

Johnny had

no such

problems.

In 6H , there is initially 10 tricks on top with 5H, 3C, 1D, and 1S as guaranteed winners. So two more tricks had to be conjured up from somewhere. Possibly a late throw to East to lead away from his spades...or setting up clubs to pitch away some losing spades. Certainly, timing of play was of paramount importance to make this contract.

Well, on a diamond lead Johnny took the trick in dummy with the Ace, coming back to hand with a heart. Diamond ruff. But now came the Ace of clubs, followed by a low club ruffed high. King of hearts to clear trumps before a second diamond ruff . Now in dummy came the king of clubs pitching a losing spade. Next the jack of clubs, covered and ruffed. Over to the Ace of spades and the established 10 of clubs provided a parking space for a second losing spade. So the contract came rolling in with only one losing spade to concede to the opponents.

What a man. What a player.

2011-12-14T05:21:00.000-08:00

BIGOT IN CONTEMPT : LATEST LAW REPORT

( Bigot-Johnson has always received the contempt of others throughout his whole life . Sixty odd years of abject under-achievement and misery. A lonely existence in which he has never had any real friends, only long lists of sworn enemies. However, despite a history of amazing antics in court, it was only a matter of time before a contempt of court charge was destined to come his way. And so it came as no surprise when he was brought back to face the judge who had sent him down to the cells for his appalling language and behaviour in court . A short extract from this hearing appears below.)

Judge : I have never in all my years witnessed court room behaviour like that....you are a vulgar, arrogant and obnoxious individual....

B-J : I object strongly to those words.....

Judge : But you do you recall the abuse I received when I upheld the decision in favour of the Cardinals' Bridge Club to revoke your membership......forever

B-J : Yes... but I thought we had a deal...

Judge : Are you insinuating I would pervert the course of justice for money ?

B-J : Yes....

Judge : Well, the money I received in a brown paper envelope....had no message inside.... and so I passed it onto a worthy charity

B-J : I object.....if you didn't want that money then it should have been returned to me.......surely you acknowledge there must be honour amongst thieves ?

Judge : There you go again......and from now on you will be address me as " your honour "

B-J : So sorry.... and of course I would like to say that I have always had the greatest respect for your honour.......but that doesn't debar me from challenging this ludicrous contempt of court charge ?

Judge : Might I remind you that ....because I am the one who is making the charge......it is obviously clear ....right from the outset.... that you are as guilty as hell

B-J : I object.....If you are my prosecutor then you can't be my judge.....and I would also like to add that just because I assured your honour you were someone I held in great respect.....that did not necessarily include my affection......

Judge : Excuse me.....but where is this all leading to ? Please get to the point .....

B-J : Contempt of court reflects an absence of respect for your honour.....not affection..... and although you had my respect, I felt it was necessary to let you know how much you upset me...... my growing dislike for you......and how you were beginning to get on my wick .......

Judge : Well, sadly for you.... no one in a courtroom is allowed to express their twisted, warped and negative emotions.....except for me....... as permitted by the rules of qualified privilege. So once again I am using this privilege to say what I really feel about you, which means that the three words I had used to describe you earlier on........ might well now be perceived as complimentary

B-J : I object.....those words you used to defame my good character clearly suggest to me that any judgement you intend to make will to be laced with prejudice and bias...

Judge : Bigot-Johnson....you are the most objectionable human being I have ever had the gross misfortune to encounter..... consequently I'm sending you down for 3 months...

B-J : I object....that means I going to miss out on next weeks' big pairs competition

Judge : No...make that 4 months....

B-J : Bugger

2011-12-13T03:55:00.000-08:00

BIGOT-JOHNSON GETS TO THE POINT.................

( At a recent AGM Bigot-Johnson, the esteemed and revered chairman of the Slaughter House Bridge Club , decided now was time for a bit of straight-talking to a large audience of very concerned members. )

" I stand here in front of you ........ a proud, hardworking and dedicated chairman of a fine, willing and obedient committee. And please remember, if you do me the courtesy of asking no questions, then I'll tell you no lies. Nevertheless, I must bring to the floor's attention that these walls have ears. So yes, you are right to say there can be no smoke without a fire, and that thundering dark bigs clouds of it are hanging over this club.....but if any decisions are to be made tonight , we all need to be singing from the same hymn sheet. And God forbid, should the shit hit the fan.....especially when some very awkward questions are going to be asked by others.......everyone must stand shoulder to shoulder, because might is right. It is essential that no one stays out of the loop, because united we stand divided we fall. For it is an ill wind that blows no one any good. So please allow me to touch base and run this by you. The threat that looms very large requires all of us to think outside the box, but only when all the little boxes have been ticked first......because if we are going to shave our enemy, then a little soap will have to be applied first. Blue sky thinking isn't going to help us.......we need to be oven ready....we need to dot all the "i"s and "t"s , to get our story straight and be pulling in the same direction. We need to put all our ducks in a row, and pull off a showstopper of a united front. Then of course, we have a chance. The view from 10,000 feet doesn't look good....... so we need to strike while the iron is hot. Throwing balls up into the air to see where they land is of no bloody use to us now. Putting this problem on the back burner would be a complete cop out. Every one here has to put on their thinking hat and best foot forward. We need to be economical with the truth ....because needs must when the devil drives. Can I make myself any clearer ?.......

2011-12-11T03:09:00.000-08:00

DR. JOHN'S CASE NOTES : PASSBERKERS SYNDROME

This unusually common condition is one of the main reasons why so many bridge players never rise above the level of mediocrity. The syndrome relates to a fixed mind set, where rigid, totally inflexible thinking takes over from common sense, leading to restricted and repetitive patterns of bidding.

Players become ardent disciples to a set of rules which completely dictates the way they bid. Many of these rules command them to reach for the pass card far too often, when it seems obvious to others that better bids exist . The rogue axioms which seem to distort their thinking are as follows :

1. If in doubt PASS

2. Only bid to the level of fit in a competitive auction

3. Leave 5 level contracts to your opponents

4. As soon as you discover a misfit PASS at the first opportunity

5. Sometimes it is best to PASS and leave the final decision to partner

Victims of this tragic syndrome are not necessarily racked with fear, but their blinkered thinking severely impairs their ability to understand the mathematics of the game. They are unable to recognise the fact that one off doubled for minus 100 is a far superior score to allowing the opponents to make 110. Similarly, they fail to see that by bidding on, and going down 3 doubled for minus 500, is far better than conceding 620, given the likelihood that their opponents have a rigid game on.

Passberkers Syndrome is one that condemns its victims to never to win. They continue to lose out in auctions, because the reasons for picking up the pass card become so powerful and compelling . The vicious circle therefore becomes well entrenched and unbreakable.

Sadly, players with this condition can be easily identified, when during duplicate events their irate partners are bound at some stage to end up screaming at them in utter despair and disbelief. Indeed, the name given to this particular syndrome owed its origin to an incident at Young Chelsea BC , when a player passed his partner's 1NT on a rather meaty 12 count. At this point a loud voice boomed across the room ; " How the bloody hell can you PASS on that hand ! Only a BERK would do such a thing ".

2011-12-10T07:03:00.000-08:00

EUPHEMISMS THAT REALLY TAKE SOME BEATING : WHAT BRIDGE PLAYERS SAY AND WHAT THEY ACTUALLY MEAN....... ( Revelations by Carp )

active member : randy old git
above reproach : shifts blame
a honest player : covers his tracks well
popular with members : a laughing stock
sad loss to the club : members all wept ( with joy )
irreplaceable : no one could be that bad
great communicator : never stops talking
well informed : nosey bastard
full of tact and diplomacy : refuses to answer difficult questions
a well honed partnership : can read each other's body language
members respect him : he's bloody scary
long serving member : club has never been able to rid of him
supports the committee : arse licker
will never be forgotten : everyone here bears grudges
well known : at the centre of every scandal
letter of complaint : defamatory rant
unlucky : bloody hopeless
error of judgement ; ( he's) off his head
disciplinary hearing : Spanish inquisition
deserving winners : jammy toe-rags
selected on merit : well in with the selectors
sponsored player : money grabbing gold digger
giving up the game for good : probably back next week
not of good standing : loathed and despised

2011-12-09T15:45:00.000-08:00

AS AN AGEING BRIDGE PLAYER YOU KNOW YOU'RE OVER THE HILL WHEN.....

- two hands are needed to hold the weight of 13 cards

- it takes 3 or 4 attempts to pick out the right card from the bidding box

- happy smiling bridge players come across as really annoying

- being dummy even puts you under stress

- the highlight of your evening is a 50% board

- following suit is the one skill you have left

- acting " grumpy " becomes your permanent default mode

- partner sensibly carries the first aid box around with him

- asked about previous boards you simply can't recall them

- the only thing you exercise is caution

- novice opponents even relish the opportunity of coming to your table

- getting up from your seat is done in stages

- compass readings are necessary to find the North seat

- bidding constantly reaches the point where your ability and technique are sadly wanting

- regular partners keep having to re-introduce themselves

- having never got to the top of the hill you wonder how it is possible to be over it

2011-12-09T01:11:00.000-08:00

LAW REPORT : AULD v. WALNUT TREE ALLOTMENT BC (2011)

( In this historic landmark case Bigot-Johnson stepped up to the plate to challenge the decision by the Club's disciplinary committee to expel Nicholas Auld, for his soul destroying shenanigans, fiery temper and other nefarious antics. Claiming that the expulsion was wrongful, Bigot was seeking reinstatement for his client. A short extract from the trial's transcript appears below .)

Defence Counsel (DC ): Your client... Bigot...... was banned because he intimidated and terrorised many of the club's more fragile, sensitive, and delicate members. Whenever he arrived at their table , these poor souls cringed with fear and acute anxiety.

B-J : My client may have his faults, but he is nothing more than a grumpy old man with attitude..... in fact most bridge clubs are full of his sort....

DC : No.....he is far worse than that....

B-J : Are you suggesting that he is a demon ? .........A devil ?

DC : No....I am not suggesting he is a devil....simply that he is The Devil !

B-J : What.....you mean that Auld Nick here is the Devil Incarnate.......Old Lucifer himself.....in the flesh......Are you stark raving mad ?

DC : Yes....that is my claim

B-J : Well, where the hell is your evidence ?

DC : Can't you see those two horns protruding from his head ?

B-J : Oh those....they're nothing but a couple of overgrown skin tags which have hardened off in the sun....

DC : And what about the fact that there is this number 666 found on his scalp ?

B-J : I'm sorry.... but that is nothing more than a 999 tattoo in dedication and respect of the emergency services

DC : So please explain to me..... his red slit eyes ?

B-J : Firstly, my client hasn't been able to sleep for ages, hence the bloodshot nature of his eyes.....and secondly, one of his parents was obviously of Chinese stock

DC : And the pointed ears ?

B-J : He's a big fan of Star Trek, who has tried to model his facial features on Spock, the Vulcan

DC : Well, let's get down to the fact that he appears to have goat's hooves !

B-J : Ah...I knew you would come to that......Well, poor Auld Nick was born with deformed club feet, and a weird passion to wear furry boots no matter what the weather .....or what the occasion

DC : So please explain to the court why there is no record of his birth

B-J : He was abandoned as a child because of his deformity....

DC : But there is still the matter of why your client constantly witters on about his encounter with Jesus Christ on Mount Sinae ....

B-J : Oh....I'm not aware of that.....

DC : Any one with half a brain can see that this man must be The Devil

B-J : Well, you've had your say...and now it's mine. Expelling my client from his beloved club is not only a breach of contract..... but it is also a breach of his Human Rights

Judge : But we've just established he isn't human !

B-J : Oh dear.......The Human Rights Act was the main platform on which I was planning to build my case

Judge : Not any more it isn't......so therefore I conclude this trial is at an end......case dismissed

B-J : Bugger......

2011-12-08T11:41:00.000-08:00

INFAMOUS BRIDGE CLUBS : A BLAST FROM THE PAST....... ( Research by Professor Hu Chi Ku Chi )

About the same time Sir Francis Dashwood was setting up the Hellfire BC for psychopathic toffs, aristocrats and landed gentry, another club hundreds of miles away was beginning to make an even bigger name for itself........ in this emerging and rather bizarre world of bridge.

Hades Bridge Club in Northumberland had a reputation for offering the most exciting form of bridge ever devised. Run and managed by one of the Devil's Disciples, ordinary members were always obliged to play against his army of minions, who always sat North South. But more importantly, Lucifer's lieutenant always set the hands for every duplicate event.

Stuck to the underside of each board was a card which revealed the auction bidding, what the final contract was, and who was deemed to be the declarer. If East or West was obliged to steer home a very makeable contract, then the right lines of play still had to be found because the minions, although not blessed with brilliance, would prove to be stubborn and competent defenders. Similarly, if the minions were required to be declarers, then the task for East/West pairs was to beat the beatable contract by solid and sensible defence.

However, the moment an E/W pair failed on a board, their time on earth was up, and in a flash they were whisked away into the limbo world of purgatory. For all those pairs who survived the evening, they all walked away with bags full of gold. So not only was the whole experience the equivalent of a never ending white knuckle ride, but the whole concept of mixing greed with fear simply enabled excitement levels to reach new unprecedented heights. The club, not surprisingly, had a 3 year waiting list despite its huge turnover of ordinary members.

Tragically, the club only survived for 4 years. With so many people disappearing off the face of the earth, local police concluded that supernatural forces were at work. Eventually they secured a court order to have the club closed down, before permission was given to have the place demolished.

Fondly mentioned in folklore stories, Hades BC unfortunately acquired the label of " infamous ". Nevertheless, the diaries of surviving members reveal a healthy respect they had for the club, waxing lyrical at the very high standard of bridge they encountered, and the joy of walking away from each duplicate evening far better off than when they arrived.

2011-12-08T05:03:00.000-08:00

"TOXIC " TED BATEMAN ON HOW TO DO THINGS RIGHT........

I have always thought how much bridge partnerships should model themselves on tennis "doubles " players. Clearly both partnerships can only succeed when they have developed a superb understanding between each other, where both players work as a team, operating on the same wave length and backing each other up to the hilt.

Somehow tennis duos have recognised the benefit and advantages of geeing up one another, offering mutual support and positive encouragement after each and every point........irrespective of whether it is won or lost. But for bridge partnerships, it seems the opposite is true. Whenever they make the required number of tricks, it is always taken for granted that should happen. If on the other hand the trick count is less than it should have been, then it is time for accusations and serious recriminations.

So for all you nasty sorts out there who adamantly refuse to give up bollocking partners, here are some the best tips going on how to give your partner a right good bollocking :

- Always work yourself up into a complete frenzy first

- Never allow things to lie

- Use a tone of voice laced with anger, rage, disbelief and despair

- Make dramatic symbolic gestures, such as ripping up your scorecard or kicking your foot against the wall

- Always use your loudest voice when other people are gathered around

- And if others are present then try to look particularly cut up, aggrieved, and distraught, especially if you are seeking their sympathy and support

- Be relentless in your pursuit of getting partner to improve his/her game

- Recall all the other occasions the same errors were made

- Refer to the " Little Black Book " you keep to record all his/her misdemeanors , but pointing out it has now become a much larger one

- use imaginative and highly original insults, which are as biting as they are amusing to those listening in

- Keep on repeating any condemnation or criticism in order to hammer home the message

- Better still, always carry a hammer on your person because this can add real impact should you feel impact is warranted

- Never fire off one barrel if two can be fired off simultaneously in a simulated shotgun attack

So yes, never do things by half measures. If partner deserves a bollocking then give him or her one to remember, because in life you have to do things right.....right?

2011-12-07T08:26:00.000-08:00

BRIDGE BOOKS WRITTEN BY BIGOT-JOHNSON WHICH NO ONE HAS EVER BOTHERED READING......

Punishing Partner But Then Made To Pay For His Post-Op Care And Treatment
Revisiting Hands I Went Off In : Volume 47
Gaining Entry To My Inner Circle
Bringing On A New Generation Of Top Players Through Genetic Engineering and Selective Breeding
Developing " The Multi " For All Opening Bids Up To The 3 Level
Going Back To Kitchen Bridge : Food For Thought
Highlights In The Life Of A Serial Coffee Houser
Random Leads, Bids And Unorthodox Plays Can Pay Dividends
Bidding Theory For Gay Bridge Players : Backwards Thinking And Bum Ideas
Taking On The Gay Expert Players : Effective Rear Guard Actions

2011-12-06T01:27:00.000-08:00

DR. JOHN'S CASE NOTES : THE PECKINEL SYNDROME

Of all the syndromes which affect bridge players , none are as tragic as the Peckinel Syndrome. Players who have it are frightened of themselves. Those who see it manifest in front of them get even more frightened, and sure as hell when I'm dealing with these clients I'm scared too. Once the syndrome locks in, victims are completely unable to control its symptoms.

The trigger is always the same : provocation perpetrated by others. No matter how small or slight the provocation might be , the victim will be overtaken by an uncontrollable urge to seek immediate revenge. In most cases he will react with verbal aggression, firing off volleys of condemnation, criticism and abuse. Occasionally, the inner rage causes his stronger arm to go " swingabout ", firstly by recoiling backwards before being thrust forward in a sharp " throwing " action. It's as though the alien, rogue arm has a mind and personality of its own.

Victims have often been seen slinging mud, as well as their hooks. Others have been spotted throwing wobblies, paddies, and tantrums, alongside evil glances, punches, and spanners in the works. Moreover, books ( the hard back variety) will also be thrown at those they condemn, not forgetting of course the throwing down of umpteen gauntlets here, there and everywhere. Occasionally, some have been seen throwing up. Often when victims start hurling abuse and insults around, they also have a tendency to pick up and hurl other small weighty objects, such as bridgemates , at those deemed responsible for their distress.

The tragedy is that players cursed with this condition are basically decent, charming and fun-loving folk , but the syndrome turns them into highly volatile, human containers, packed from tip-to-toe with nitroglycerin. One inadvertent knock or shake simply causes them to explode.

It is not surprising therefore that thousands of bridge clubs have a major problem on their hands, when members diagnosed this particular condition turn up to play. One such club is the Slaughter House BC near Bawtry, where it seems the majority of its members ( including its chairman ) have such an acute form of TPS that lives are at risk. Duplicate evenings therefore soon develop into a right free-for-all , with murder, madness and mayhem being the inevitable end to what started out as a social and friendly night of bridge.

2011-12-04T07:53:00.000-08:00

OSCAR WILDE ON BRIDGE......... ( Unearthed treasures from the Professor Hu Chi Ku Chi's literary find of the century )

In amongst a trunk load of old books, diaries and manuscripts bought at a local auction, I came across the scribbled notes of Oscar Wilde, who was using the pseudonym Drew Colish. Drew was the name that every one at his local bridge club called him by, being completely unaware of his real identity. These notes were full of witty, almost scathing, observations about bridge players. So listed below are some of his greatest quotations ..... published for first time.....here on Howard Bigot-Johnson's Blog..... for all to read and enjoy.

- Only dull players excel at being average

- What is the difference between a bridge book and a bridge magazine : one is unreadable and the other is never read. That is all.

- Looking at their own cards always bores most players to death : they much prefer to look at other people's

- Players who play their bridge strictly in accordance with a textbook suffer from a complete lack of intuition, vision and imagination

- To go down in a cold game may be regarded as a misfortune, but to do it twice equates to rank stupidity

- There is only one thing worse than being talked about at your club, and that is not being talked about at all

- My ambition in bridge is simple : to take more tricks than my cards were were ever intended to

- Bridge teachers do an admirable thing, but one does well to remember, from time to time, that things that are worth knowing can never be taught

- It's absurd to divide bridge players into good and bad : either they are charming to watch or extremely tedious

- An ordinary bridge player is a man who knows the value of his cards , but never able to exploit their full value during the play of the hand

- Men choose bridge as their first love , while women turn to bridge out of rejection and loneliness

- All bridge players are told to pass on good advice. Nearly all choose to do it, since they refuse to use the advice themselves

- Always ignore your opponents' outbursts and accusations : nothing annoys them as much

- One should always absorb the beauty and majesty of the game , but never the details of how the hands were played : far too many of them are either vulgar or embarrassing

2011-12-02T16:24:00.000-08:00

LAW REPORT : R v. BIGOT-JOHNSON ( 2011)

( As more and more reports emerge from the bridge club from hell, Bigot Johnson soon found himself up before the Crown Court on several blasphemy charges. When the police raided the Slaughter House BC following complaints of loud noises, gut wrenching screams, lewd behaviour and table brawls , the chairman could be heard effing and blinding about his atrocious luck, and that God Himself had become the victim of his vitriolic abuse. A short extract from this amazing trial appears below, with Bigot as usual conducting his own defence .)

Prosecuting counsel (PC ) : Just look at that hideous, vile, depraved man sitting there in the dock.....not only is he a sinner but a blaspheming one at that !

B-J : I object.....these accusations are nonsense.....for Pete's sake, there's no such crime as blasphemy.....this now defunct law is consigned to the past....

PC : I beg to differ....

B-J : Listen .......years ago blasphemy was considered a crime because it was held to be a denial of Christianity.....Indeed, simple minded people took the view that blasphemy was going to shake the fabric of society, believing that Christian religion was the very thing that was holding it all in place. But look around us today.....society is going to the dogs.....it's not in danger .... because it's already in the gutter. The offence of blasphemy therefore is a dead letter.

PC : So what if Christianity is on the wane.... blasphemy applies to all religions....and in the hallowed arenas of bridge clubs around the world, players believe in God.....and worship the game He created. Whenever finesses, end plays, and squeezes come off, you can sense the rejoicing that takes place in the name of the Lord. Players whisper to themselves " There is a God...Thank you God....Thank you for your gift of wisdom and this unexpected top ".

B-J : Bollocks...

PC : Moreover....every bridge player I know looks to the heaven for inspiration......taking every opportunity to get the prayer mat out to ask God for just one more teeny weeny favour. To deny them the existence of their benevolent God would turn their world into one of eternal darkness, misery, chaos, confusion and despair.

B-J : But bridge players are all bloody heathens.......obsessed with cards, racked with superstitions, and plagued with heaven knows what mental illnesses....

PC : Might I point out that believing in God.....any God..... is the fundamental right of anyone to worship who he or she wants. Bridge players as a social group need to believe in a Greater Being, for their own sanity and well being. If God predetermines their destiny they feel so much better about losing and making crap decisions.

B-J : Well then , can it not be the case then that I too am allowed to exercise my right to freedom of speech.....and slag off God because he is never on my side and always does the dirty on me. If a finesse works for an opponent then that is always bad news for those it succeeds against.

PC : I've heard enough of this claptrap......for you need reminding that Lord Scarman upheld the crime of blasphemy in that....... any statement, spoken or written, which contains any contemptuous, reviling, scurrilous or ludicrous matter relating to God, Jesus Christ, or the Bible (in your case The Orange Book ) is blasphemous......especially if it couched in obscene and intemperate language. To put " Jesus Christ ! " next to " Fuck ME ! " in the same outburst is , in my opinion, going one step too far. To blame ..... or to assign blame....to those who revere His generosity and the miracles He performs......is a crime, especially when you are the one at fault.

B-J : Oh....

PC : Moreover, one could argue that since bridge has become a religion in its own right, it is abhorrently wrong to remark that " bridge is doing my bloody head in ".....especially when so many others see the game for its abstract beauty, and its never ending fascination and challenge.

Judge : Yes Bigot ...you have a foul and putrid mouth....and an unholy contempt for anything that is good and godly. Thankfully, we still have blasphemy laws to deal with the likes of you...

B-J : But hold on there...If I'm created in God's image, then He can't be that pure and good ?

Judge : You've got a point there...

B-J : And if God is such a caring individual, then how come their is so much misery in the world, and so many miserable sour-faced bridge players ?

Judge : You're beginning to win me over....

B-J : And if God preaches virtues like equality.....then how come He allowed his own Son to recruit all men as his disciples......doesn't that smack of a sexist attitude and discrimination against women ?

Judge : Well, I'll be damned....you're right. Hell's bells Bigot....I'm with you all the way on this one..

B-J : So is that it ? Am I free to go ?

Judge : Indeed you are.....

B-J : Thank The Lord God that's over.....now I can get back to what I love doing most...

Judge : And what's that ?

B-J : Blaming anyone .....real or imaginary......for my poor scores and table misfortunes......but never myself of course....

2011-12-01T07:36:00.000-08:00

THE PRINCIPLE OF RESTRICTED CHOICE IN FULL ..... ( Article by Carp )

Bridge books by and large are useless. They tend to focus on one aspect of a law, theory or principle , leaving out in the process far more relevant and meaningful applications. Take for instance the principle of restricted choice. All we get on this is a statement that the play of a particular honour card ( by an opponent ) decreases the possibility he/she holds any equivalent card. Well, let me tell you that this priciple has far more applications of greater merit. Every one will become a truism of great significance for the rank and file bridge player. So why not take the time to consider these additional applications :

The Principle of Restricted Choice......

- part (ii) states that when you arrive late at the club without a partner, chances of finding a decent floater is down to a choice between a woodentop and a complete idiot

- part (iii) states that at any AGM the only people who put themselves forward for Office are so bad , the choice often becomes one of voting for the devil you know and the devil you don't......or the lesser of two evils

- part (iv) states that when captain of the club's top team loses key players for the next match, he is left with an impossible choice of which sow's ears will make the best silk purses

- part (v) states that when you are dragged before a disciplinary committee for hurling a bridgemate across a crowded room and straight through a window, you find yourself between a rock and a hard place : the choice being a 6 month suspension or a hefty £400 repair bill

- part (vi) states that when you've been given an offer you can't refuse, a third choice often springs to mind, namely suicide

- part (vii) states that if by losing a match you'll face the axe, but by cheating your way to victory you'll face losing your EBU membership, then Hobson is the only person who can best advise you on which choice to make

- Part (viii) states that having revoked on a trick with the ace of trumps in a desperate attempt to cash out an established red suit winner to defeat the contract, you are then instructed by the TD to play instead " any colour you like, so long as it's black "

2011-12-01T06:31:00.000-08:00

EXPECTED BEST SELLING BRIDGE BOOKS FOR 2012....... ( Predictions by Pun )

My Partner Always Offers Me Great Support...................Jock Strapp
She Always Plays Under Another Name..........................Sue Denim
Sorry Partner, I Really Need to Go To The Bog................Penny Spender
It's Hard To Call Who'll Win This Match...........................Evan Stevens
At last I've Got A Stiff In My hand.............................Ardon Allwright
My Table Tantrums Are Shocking You Know............Destin Toby Badd
Three Words Can Describe My Partner...........................Ariel Payne
He Cheated Us Out Of A Top For Sure.......................Judas E. Didd
Partner, How The Hell Are We Going To Pay Paul ?....Rob Petermore
What Card Did You Revoke On Then ?.............................Aesa Haart

2011-11-30T11:56:00.000-08:00

LAW REPORT : PANTOPOD V. BIGOT-JOHNSON ( AND OTHERS ) 2002

( Almost a decade ago , a most strange and unusual case came before the High Court in Manchester where the captain of a losing team, Percy Pantopod, filed a lawsuit against Bigot-Johnson and his team of coffee housing cheats. Percy made allegation after allegation concerning Bigot's " unprofessional, erratic and outrageous conduct ", which had forced the plaintiff to concede the match, despite being in a winning position. The staged theatrics were designed to undermine the opponents' focus and concentration, and to give them misleading and incorrect information at every opportunity. A short extract from the trial's transcript appears below, with Bigot of course conducting his own defence. )

Prosecuting Counsel (PC) : Yes it is my contention that you Bigot won this match by foul play. Your underhand, cheating tactics were clearly designed to disturb, rattle and intimidate your opponents, who were all of a delicate, fragile and sensitive disposition.

B-J : Let's face it..... this bunch of namby pambies have got no backbone..or bottle...to play a high pressure game like bridge. These whinging cry babies even freaked when I even heaved a heavy sigh, pointed my finger, and squinted my eyes. They're nothing more than a pathetic rabble of highly strung, over-reactive, over-sensitive losers, who can't stand the heat of battle...

PC : But your behaviour went so far beyond the acceptable bounds of table eccentricity it was unrelentingly off putting and unnerving....

B-J : You're having me on ? You're pulling my chain....aren't you ?

PC : So what then do you call slamming your hand down in disgust ( with its apparant lack of points ) only to start fidgeting about on your chair, and cursing God at your wretched misfortune

B-J : I only like to be dealt big hands....

PC : And please explain why you felt the need to pick your nose, scratch your groin area, strum your fingers on the table edge. and hum in an grossly impatient manner every time the opponents had a difficult decision to make ?

B-J : These actions were all necessary........ behavioural ploys which have always enabled me to retain my composure and cool at critical moments.....hell....aren't I entitled to think carefully about what to do next ?

PC : But what about the time you pulled out of your inside pocket a packet of Viagra tablets, only to swallow the whole lot and then rush off to the toilet like a man about to explode...

B-J : Yes....I thought they were my calming tablets but then.... a certain member pointed out I had taken the wrong pills !

PC : And what about the so called seizures....one of which had you keeling over onto the floor gasping for breath and frothing at the mouth

B-J : Those fits were piques of rage at my partner's lunacy......and according to my doctor, stress and anger tend to affect my balance and bring on my acid reflux

PC : And is it proper for you and your team mates to be all putting on hand puppets ?...... all of which then engaged in mime, gestures and funny animal talk , deliberately engineered to pass over misinformation to your opponents , but with precise albeit unauthorised information flowing freely in the other direction

B-J : Those puppets were our lucky mascots......especially my penguin....... and what ever they discussed was between themselves and had nothing to do with bridge ....... any way there is nothing in law under which we can be sued.....Percy can't claim damages against us....... because we have not committed any civil wrong

Judge : Well, that's where you, Bigot, are wrong. In negligence you owe a duty of care to your neighbour....and your neighbour is any person you ought to have in your contemplation at the time you were about to engage in an activity , where it was reasonably foreseeable that harm would come to that person as a result of a careless act or omission. Indeed , your repeated acts amounted to both reckless and deliberate attempts to harm your neighbourly opponents in a devastating and psychological way........ clearly with an intention to deprive them of possible glory and any further progress in the competition. You were in breach of a duty of care to act in accordance with the rules of the game.....which I might add..... include rules regarding fair play and best behaviour.

Therefore, I intend to award Percy the full amount of damages he is claiming.....plus more

B-J : Bugger....

2011-11-29T04:24:00.000-08:00

BRIDGE BOOKS FOR YOUR CHRISTMAS STOCKINGS..... ( Suggestions By Pun )

We Got To Beat This Pair, Partner ! ....................Camilla Highwater
Guerrilla Bridge In Missouri...............................J. Hawker
With Him In Our Team We Can't Lose..................Ivor Ringer
Partner, Stop Getting Yourself Worked Up ?.......Ulrika Svett

Rubber Down ? I Know What's Needed................Lynsey Doyle
How Do Rate Our Chances, Partner ? ...................Frank Lee Horfall
They're Planning To Throw Me Out .....................Evan Ferbid
I Love To Spice Up The Bidding..........................Cory Anderman
Partner, You've Got A Serious Problem................Bea Hoe
Cheating Players Have Big Ears..........................Cezz Noddie

2011-11-29T04:17:00.000-08:00

PUN

TAKES

OVER

THE

EDITOR-

SHIP

"BAD

BRIDGE "

HELP RE-

VITALISE

FLAGGING

SALES

.......

2011-11-27T22:02:00.000-08:00

THE WONDER OF BRIDGE...................... ( A short article by Dr.Sigmund T. Schukelgruber )

The wonder of bridge is the infinite number of mysteries one has to unravel and solve. So many hands where elusive games and slams are missed, quietly slipping by , despite our best efforts to find them in competitive bidding auctions. So many secrets to discover in the art of making tricks out of nothing. Lots more to fathom out when deceptive bids and plays simply add to the confusion and complexity that already exist. Indeed it is the mysteries of bridge which have made the game into the most sublimely beautiful and intriguing one ever devised. Time and time again we set off on a short journey completely " in the dark ", looking for information, evidence, clues, inferences and our sixth sense to help " shed some light " on the best way to proceed in order to reach our goal.

As Albert Einstein once said, and clearly he had bridge in mind, " The most beautiful experience we can have is the mysterious. It is the fundamental emotion which stands at the cradle of true art and true science. Whoever does not know it, and can no longer wonder, no longer marvel, is as good as dead, and his eyes are dimmed ."

So yes, Bridge indeed is both a science and an art. The game's exquisite beauty can never be fully appreciated or seen until years of experience begin to open our eyes. Each hand in itself is a mystery to explore and solve. Each path we take is full of hidden traps and unexpected consequences. Success of course depends on discovering all the hidden truths, and then like a skilled magician using this knowledge to conjure up an even more amazing trick.

2011-11-25T09:16:00.000-08:00

A MOST REMARKABLE EXCHANGE OF WORDS WITNESSED BY ALL AT THE SLAUGHTER HOUSE BC's NOVEMBER AGM ......... ( between the chairman Bigot-Johnson and a rather disgruntled member )

DM : Chairman.....why does this committee hold meetings behind closed doors, and in such secret ? Members, like me, want to see openness and transparency

B-J : Are you stark raving mad.....open committee meeetings are a recipe for disaster and widespread discontent. Such meetings don't achieve anything. In fact they do more harm than good

DM : Surely, we members have a right to know about what's going on....and how decisions are reached and carried out

B-J: The Minutes are always published , informing members about what they need to know

DM : But who is best placed to know what members need to know ?

B-J : We are of course.....as elected members

DM : So how come the minutes are scant, sanitised, extremely brief reports of what went on ?

B-J : Members only need to know about the things that add up to very little , and nothing of issues which would be of great concern and worry to them

DM : I'm gobsmacked....

B-J : Listen...there is a law that governs the way the civil service is run. It is the Law of Inverse Relevance. This means in simple terms that the more we ( as a committee ) intend to do something drastic with huge implications and risks, then the less said about it the better.

DM : But what's wrong with being open and transparent ?

B-J : Are you thick or what ?.....You just don't get it. An open committee meeting is a contradiction. If it is open then a proper meeting will not take place. A committee can not function properly unless it is allowed to do so in secret. Fears of false reporting, ugly rumours, and defamation actions would severely inhibit individual committee members from speaking up.......

DM : I don't buy that argument at all....

B-J : Well, let's get back to your misguided view that members have a right to know......what a load of bollocks....most members cherish far more the right to remain ignorant.......because let's face it the truth hurts.....knowledge can be a dangerous thing...... it causes panic...... too much knowledge can create confusion and complexity. Having knowledge and not using it wisely only racks us with guilt. Moreover ignorance is bliss, and in my opinion it also has a certain dignity.

DM : But...

B-J : Dont " but " me sir.... giving away knowledge to your type is like giving whiskey to an alcoholic

DM : Well, it seems to me that you lot are obviously up to no good....that you've something to hide....and that there are major problems boiling up you're desperate to keep the lid on

B-J : What a muppet head you are....most of the people on this committee haven't a bloody clue about what is really going on ......it's only Ronnie, Reggie and I that know what's what. Therefore if they don't know what they are doing, then they can never know when they're doing wrong. Now this means they can all leave a committee meeting under the false belief that what they were doing was right.......and everyone is happy. So clearly, if ignorance is good for them, then it must be good for you.

DM : I'm flabbergasted......

B-J : Yes..... and I'm all through with you....... " Hey Ronnie ".....please escort this ex-member off the premises.....this AGM doesn't need smart arses like him sabotaging the show.......and so let's move on to the next item on the agenda ...... a long overdue motion to put committee officers on the club's executive payroll.....

2011-11-25T02:10:00.001-08:00

BRIDGE FROM THE TWILIGHT ZONE.......... ( A really true story from Bridgemeister Gibson )

A few years ago I was playing in a Sunday league division 2 intercity match ( team of 8 ) away at York. With several other league matches also being played at the same venue , one of our pairs ended up as the N/S sitting pair at a solitary table, in a small room downstairs from the main playing area. They, of course , played the moving opponents throughout the whole afternoon, but in doing so were denied the opportunity of moving around themselves and enjoying a change of scenery.

At the end of match a disgruntled North approached our captain : " I want to register a complaint to the Yorkshire Bridge Association "

A concerned captain asked : " What on earth was the problem ? "

" Well ", he said, " We've been severely disadvantaged having to play in that room all the time ..."

" How come........was it too cold ? "

The reply was as swift as it was cutting. " As I was about to explain..... by being stuck in that room our scores suffered badly .....we were the only bloody pair not to be in a position to hear what was being said about the hands on the other tables ! "

2011-11-24T01:10:00.000-08:00

THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARY.......................

Business double : often a very large whiskey to celebrate pulling off a superb contract
Take a view : the process by which a decision can be reached without having to consider the evidence or determine the truth
Vacant spaces : what usually lies between most bridge players' ears
Half trick : an early withdrawal from congress
Tap : a manner commonly used by players to persuade their partners to lend them some cash
Tight : the term given to players who can't be "tapped "
Analysis : a high level cognitive skill lost to the run-of-the-mill bridge player
Control : what players fail to do with their anger and frustration , allowing their emotions to run riot instead

2011-11-22T06:38:00.000-08:00

BIGOT-JOHNSON'S FOOLPROOF GUIDE FOR TAKING OVER CLUB COMMITTEES......

Yes, it does seem odd .....why would anyone with a modicum of common sense want to be involved with club committees ? .......The posts supposedly offer no money, no kudos, no joy...... only numerous meetings where painful tedium becomes utterly suffocating ..... not to mention the regular volleys of verbal flak that comes from disgruntled members, who claim they never see anything in the way of positive outcomes.

Yet for me , being chairman of the Slaughter House Bridge Club, I wallow in the power and privileges that come from being in charge. And therefore as a favour to those who crave power, desperate to use it for their personal advantage, profit and gain, here is my ultimate guide on committee take-overs, and how to exercise and retain total control :

1. Gather together an inner circle of club members, preferably all your close relatives and reliable friends

2. Wait till either the present committee is in trouble , or when membership enthusiasm for AGM's is at an all time low

3. Collectively stand for election at the next AGM, ensuring that all key posts on the committee are specifically targeted

4. If in the rare event certain posts are being contested, then it is essential to recruit easily duped and gullible members to bolster your support base with their gerrymandered votes

5. Once elected, you will need to drive out rogue committee members who (a) are not willing to toe the line, or (b) are posing a serious threat, as for instance by showing dissent, challenging decisions, and informing members of what is really going on behind closed doors

6. Ensure that all committee meetings are held in secret, where only harmless sanitised details ever make their way into the published minutes

7. It is essential that the inner circle use dark corners and passageways to arrive at crucial decisions which then can be rubber stamped ( fait accompli style ) by the full committee later on

8. Always look after one another, because nepotism can only survive if there is a collective effort to protect any committee member, who is under attack for malpractice

9. Rely on misinformation and disinformation to confuse and confound critics

10. If in the event some nosey and enterprising members get close to the truth, you must use trumped up charges of disciplinary breaches in order to expel them

11. It is essential to tighten up the constitution and/or regulations straightaway, so as to provide the committee with carte blanche powers to do what it likes

12. Introduce a whole raft of zero tolerance policies , some of which will help promote an all out war against unwarranted criticism of the committee, its officers or members

13. Employ security personnel to restrict entry of members classed as undesirable, and to eject members whose behaviour on site has put them in the same despicable class

14. Shorten disciplinary hearings to instantly convened on-the-spot corridor discussions , lasting no more than 2 minutes before calling in security to carry out the sanctions imposed

15. Issue on a regular basis persuasive propaganda material that cleverly shifts the blame for the club's current troubles on opposition members, who are ideally suited to be used as scapegoats prior to their imminent removal

16. Strengthen your power base by replacing troublesome committee members with hard-core and easily brainwashed supporters

17. Remain in office as long as possible to ensure the habit of abusing power intensifies to an addictive level

18. Always look to use patronage, privileges and favouritism to reward those you would rather have on your side than in opposition

19. Keep convincing yourself that strong authoritarian leadership is what the club needs, and that democracy is a wishy washy old moded concept that achieves nothing

20. Build up sizeable slush funds in case bribery becomes the only way to silence whistleblowers, or in the event of a public relations disaster to hire specialist lawyers and/or contract killers

Indeed, I have been running the Slaughter House Bridge for several years now......and very successfully, I might add..... but I must confess that so much of the above comes from the wonderful teachings of Sir Francis Dashwood, whose Hellfire Bridge Club established a reputation that still continues to span the world even today , long after its sad demise when unknown arsonists decided enough was enough .

2011-11-22T00:39:00.000-08:00

REBECCA ROOD'S MAILBAG..................

Dear Rebecca,

Why is it my partner rounds on me for opening on an 11 count, and then several boards later he condemns me for not opening on a 10 count ? As a relative beginner I'm so confused......please help me.

Yours in a pickle, J.R.

....

Dear JR ,

Opening on minimum values is I'm afraid all down to judgement. There are no hard and fast rules you can apply. Common sense must prevail after weighing up one or more of the following factors....

- seat position

- who's vulnerable and who's not

- state of the match...... or whether averages or tops have now become a priority

- rule of 19 or the Zar point count

- partnership agreement ( eg. light openers in third position )

- importance of maintaining partnership trust and harmony

- trick potential in that QJ1098....Axx....Kxx....xx is far superior to Kxx...Kxx...Kxx...Jxxx

- need to provide partner with a safe lead against the opponent's contract

- how lucky you feel

- quality and class of your opponents

- how much faith and belief you have in " aggressive " bidding

- whether you have an obvious rebid available ( or not )

Indeed, there is much to think about and judgement often requires vision, experience and wisdom all working together. So yes. it is not an easy call but not to open on AKxxx...xx....K109x ...xx at any vulnerability would be a heinous crime.

Yours always a believer in getting one's bids in early, Rebecca

2011-11-21T08:25:00.000-08:00

" Our club has a mission.....and that is to get rid of riff raff, tosspots and troublemakers "

" Oh dear.....I thought this club was all about playing bridge "

( THE LATEST UPDATE FROM A RECENT COMMITTEE MEETING AT THE WALNUT TREE ALLOTMENT SOCIETY BRIDGE CLUB )

2011-11-20T07:34:00.000-08:00

JOHNNY SUPREMO RISES TO THE CHALLENGE........

Many top players have questioned whether Johnny has what it takes to join their ranks. Well, after this exquisite demonstration of card skill the boot is now firmly on the other foot : have they got what it takes to stand alongside him.

Here was a hand where many of these top players lost the plot , but it only took Johnny 10 seconds to find the answer.

Opening 4H, Johnny's 8 point hand was : Jxx....AQJ10987........xx.....x

Partner's dummy hand was a rather useful : AQx...Kx..........Jxx.....xxxxx

On a diamond opening lead, Johnny could see three immediate losers and an near certain spade loser no matter who held the king. Even if the King was onside with the queen finesse holding, there was no way of making two more spades unless the LHO held Kx.

However, at the table Johnny claimed at trick 3, when he announced that if his LHO opponent held 4 clubs and the King of spades the contract was there ON A SQUEEZE.

Opponents' best defence was to take the first two diamonds and force declarer to ruff the third round in hand. Trick 4 involved conceding a club, with defender's best defence to play back a heart. Letting it run dummy's king , to set up the first club ruff. Back to dummy with the diamond finesse of the queen, for a second club ruff.

Now comes two rounds of hearts pulling opponents trumps.

Johnny with 3 cards play has 1H, and Jx of spades. Dummy is down to Ax of spades AND OF COURSE THAT PRECIOUS 4th CLUB. Not surprisingly, the distraught LHO is frantically looking for a white flag, holding Kx of spades and the master club. At trick 11 when the last heart is played......the contract was there for the taking.

What a man. What a player. What a genius.

2011-11-19T23:40:00.000-08:00

" BAD

BRIDGE "

THE

ONLY

MAGAZINE

THAT IS

PREPARED

TELL

THE

TRUTH

...

( about the

truly shocking

things that

can happen to

bridge players )

2011-11-19T05:23:00.000-08:00

TOP

EXPERTS

AGREE

THAT

"BAD

BRIDGE"

CAN

REALLY

HELP

BAD

PLAYERS

IMPROVE

THEIR

SCORES

( BUT NOT

THEIR

GAME ! )

2011-11-17T12:25:00.000-08:00

BRIDGE CLUB DISCIPLINARY APPEAL HEARING ( No.34 )

( Ivor Sharptongue was appealing against a 3 month suspension for foul mouthing opponents, who he believed were employing a coded signalling system by subtle placement of their bidding cards. Bizarrely, Bigot-Johnson offered his services to speak up on his behalf, with Ivor only too pleased to accept. A short extract from Bigot's highly persuasive speech appears below.)

" I put it to you....that any player can get angry....that is easy.......only to give another player a verbal telling off. But to do this in the right context, to the right extent, at the right time, with the right motive, and in the right way....is asking too much of any player who has got his dander up.

According to Plato........and who would argue with him.....wrongdoing is based on ognorance. This would suggest that a player could not deliberately, in full conscious knowledge, undertake a verbal bollocking of another, for that would be illogical: players generally.....and genuinely....seek what is good. The only explanation therefore is that an angry player commits an inappropriate, albeit aggressive act, without full knowledge of what that " good " is.

In contrast, Aristotle thought morality requires cultivating certain virtues and developing one's character.....what is termed virtue ethics. There aren't necessarily fixed notions of what is right and wrong in any particular situation, but rather that morality is a skill that we learn. Like all skills, of course, there are times when bridge players don't get it quite right ....even after years of practice !

Moreover, there are many things that influence the morality of an action. For instance, being selfless might commonly be seen as good, but it may not always be appropriate. If someone has a destructive drug habit, then generously gifting them money may not be the wisest thing. Similarly, by challenging and verbally confronting a soft-cheater or unethical opponent might at the time be perceived as being a good thing to do.

However, if the victim of the accusation has a sensitive disposition, convinced of their own inocence, or ignorant of their alleged wrongdoing, then giving them a stern lecture or verbal condemnation may not be the good way to about about expressing one's grievance. This is why TDs are always there to be called upon.

The problem is all too plain to see. How to keep emotions and instincts in check. Learning to bite one's tongue. Learning to hold one's tongue. If bridge players were to embrace Aristotle's philosophy, then they need to apply a rule of thumb approach. Since most inappropriate actions involve an imbalance of sorts......being too rash....too extravagant.....too honest and blunt....too critical......then moral actions need to strike a balance, finding that golden mean between opposites. Doing or saying nothing has no merits whatsoever , but striking that mean will depend upon the context of the situation. Speaking out requires a certain bravery which can either involve remaining calm under provocation, or rushing into battle alone. Sometimes ...even adopting the middle way may not turn out to be the good way, or the right approach....but it's sure as hell a reasonable place to start.

This poor man , I feel, is only guilty of choosing an action that was in hindsight a " bad " call .....he made a judgement on the spur of the moment which to him seemed correct and good. So let those..... who have never committed sins themselves while playing bridge .........cast Ivor out onto the street....... depriving the club of a man who is prepared to challenge and confront those guilty of soft cheating and unehical play. "

2011-11-15T12:02:00.000-08:00

ANOTHER MIND BLOWING TWO MINUTE INTERVIEW WITH BIGOT-JOHNSON ( The radical and extrovert chairman of the infamous Slaughter House Bridge Club )...............

Interviewer (I ) : I hear on the grapevine that you've nominated your club for the EBU's prestigious " most social and friendly bridge club of the year " award.

B-J : Yes....and why not......given all the hard work Reggie, Ronnie and I have put into bringing about a complete culture change . We were deeply committed to ridding the club of all those we consider anti-social, awkward and aggressive.

I : Well, just how many members have you got rid of ...?

B-J : Well over a 100...

I : So what members have you got left then ?

B-J : Just the committee and few new starters , who we managed to sign up last week

I: So tell me...how did you go about this brutal and bizarre form of cleansing.....?

B-J : Well, Ronnie and Reggie simply set about the process with the fierce determination of rabid rottweilers and the wild savagery of crazed cannibals

I : My God....so what did all this entail ?

B-J : Floggings, beatings, torture, incarceration, trial by ordeal, public humiliation, castration, damn good whippings, extreme forms of harrassment, character assassinations, and a whole load of other things involving long, sharp, pointy things....

I : Blimey....wouldn't it have been easier to close the club and start all over again ?

B-J : What ....and spoil their fun ? ......But seriously it was imperative to serve a warning on those who needed to toe the line

I : So how come that warning was not heeded, with dozens more getting same awful treatment before being permanently eliminated

B-J : The buggers started to protest bitterly about what we were doing.....so naturally the committee took the view their behaviour was totally unacceptable, extremely negative and very confrontational

I : Well, please correct if I'm wrong....but surely the kind of behaviour you were adopting was completely contradictory to your aims of creating a club atmosphere, where harmony prevailed, and where social and friendly relationships could be successfully nurtured ?

B-J : In my world the ends always justifiy the means....

I : Heavens above .... you could shag me with a rag man's trumpet....

B-J : Mmm....now that's something else Ronnie could add to his list of corrective measures

I : Oh my God....I'm done with you....I'm off

B-J : But what about my money ?

I : Get stuffed....

B-J : Wow....that's another great idea for Ronnie to consider.....he 'll be so grateful

2011-11-14T07:25:00.000-08:00

REBECCA ROOD'S MAILBAG...................

Dear Rebecca,

What the dickens does one do when partner opens 1S ( showing a 5 card major ) and you are looking at a motley 6 count ; x.....Jxxxx....Qxx....Kxxxx ?

What choices does one have ? " Pass " fearful of partner holding a ripping 19 count ? Or bid 1NT fearful of partner rebidding 2S, fully aware that the opponents could hold the majority of trumps ?

So then....what would an expert like you choose , and why ?

Yours always bemused , Ann Fretting

........

Dear Ann,

This hand is a straightforward 1NT response, for there is always the possibility partner might well have a 4 card D/H suit, which he/she will surely bid at the 2 level. And so what if 2S is the next bid you hear. If this is a field bid then most pairs will be in the same 5-1 trump fit.

Mind you we have a so called expert pair at our club who have developed an excellent sysem for dealing with this type of hand you describe. An instant 1NT response shows a hand with 2 spades, whereas a delayed " tank" 1NT reply flags up a singleton or void in spades.

If it is the latter , the opener can now show his lowest 4 lowest card suit by bidding quickly, and his lowest 3 card suit by entering the tank from his side. If responser hears 2C or 2H, then a much better spot has been found. If the lowest 3 card suit is diamonds, responder must bid a quick 2H showing five, or a slow 2H with just four. If the latter, then opener with only 2 hearts might well choose to go back to his spade suit.

Indeed, this system really does work very well, but only if you are a completely unethical player and all round toss pot.

Yours Rebecca " I love to expose low life cheating dogs " Rood

2011-11-13T12:24:00.000-08:00

BRIDGE BOOKS THAT WILL ADD BITE TO YOUR GAME...... ( Snaps Pun )

We Run Our Club With An Iron Fist.........................Des Spot & Ty Rant
She Never Speaks To Her Ex-Partner.......................Helda Grudge
Taking This Pair On Could Be Death Of Us................Bonnie Ann Clyde
Revokes Are Like Waving A Red Rag To Him...........Willie Turnbull
How Will We Do Against These Lower Teams ? ........Winsome I. Hope
How I Caused My Partner To Faint..........................Shona Mycock
My Partner Really Believes In Protecting................Johnny Waring
Bridge At The Golden City Finals.............................Ida Hoe
I Do Love Big Turn Outs.........................................Morris Merrier
Please Partner, Get Out Of My Sight And Go............Farrah Way

2011-11-12T05:25:00.000-08:00

THE PERFECT PARTNER .................... ( By Dr.Sigmund T. Schukelgruber )

Way back on this blog an article appeared entitled " Find me the perfect partner ", which attempted to outline all the most desirable qualities you could possibly wish for in the person sitting directly opposite you at the table. Well, the other day I stumbled across a poem called " If ", a wonderful little gem originally appearing in an rather old fashioned bridge book " You Can Play and Laugh ".

I was so inspired by it I had decided to give it my own twist, and reproduce it in the my unique and off beat style :

.....

" IF "

......

If you can hold your tongue

When stray and awful bidding

Gets you wretched scores

If you can learn

To spot the dangers

And ignore the shams

If you can bluff

To achieve the impossible

Or take a 1000

To save a slam

Then hell man

You're the kinda partner I want

If you can forge plans

With determined resolution

By combining risk with reason

If you can steer between

The rocks of awkward distribution

To guide a contract home

If you can halt when caution's needed

Yet know when to charge

And swerve

If you can double

Yet show restraint

And if can hold your nerve

When doubled by the best

Then hell man

You're the kinda partner I need

And if you can bid and play

With level headed calmness

Keeping emotions under check

If you can keep the devil out

And give opponents due respect

And if you can lose a game with grace

Yet never boast about a win

If you can resist the need to sulk

When luck is stacked against you

But silently acknowledge

When good fortune comes your way

Then hell man

You're the kinda of partner

......I would die for

2011-11-10T14:15:00.000-08:00

DR JOHN'S CASE NOTES : BRIDGE PLAYERS IN CRISIS

One of the most common symptoms of post middle-aged bridge players is the growing belief that everything around them is falling apart, with bridge of course the sole focus of their concerns. As their bodies and brains begin to falter, they experience what we psycho-therapists call the post 50 existential crisis.

What was once a world of pure joy and great excitement, bridge has now become a living nightmare which leaves them completely bereft and disappointed. Their results rarely get above average and nothing ever seems to go their way. As they see their reputation crumbling away to that of a numpty, self doubt and self loathing creep in. They look forlornly at the up and coming younger players, who seem to toy with them like master puppeteers pulling sharply at their strings.

One would assume that victims with this condition would be asking themselves the big questions like " why am I still bothering to play this game ? " and " why can't my vast experience and bridge knowledge deliver good results ? " ...... but no. The awful reality is that they become totally preoccupied and obsessed by the little things. My cards are grubby. My partner's finger strumming is doing my head in. Why is that opponent taking an age to bid? I'm not happy with the way the TD ruled against us. The beer served here is always luke warm. Tragically, acute symptoms of the existential crisis include disturbing delusions, such as everyone in this damn club is a cheat, and I know there are members here who are really out to get me.

Yet no matter how extreme their symptoms the diagnosis is basically the same : their game of bridge , like life itself, has started to fall apart. They perceive the tiny cracks in their bidding and play as mile wide chasms. Every mistake consolidates their belief their game has gone to pieces, which of course converts a delusion into a self-fulfilling prophecy, because as the mistakes pile up the panic sets in. Once players afflicted with this disorder reach that point where they see their fading bridge status sliding irreversibly down hill into a pit of faceless non-entities , the crisis may well result in attempted suicides.

When players allow bridge to become their sole focus of their existence , only to believe there's nothing left to experience other than heartache and pain , it is no wonder they completely crack up .....leaving me and my colleagues with a hopeless task of trying to put these numpty humpty dumpties back together again .

2011-11-10T08:09:00.000-08:00

BIGOT-

JOHNSON

LEARNED

EDITOR

AND

BRIDGE

CLUB

CHAIRMAN

SPEAKS

HIS

MIND

........

2011-11-08T07:57:00.000-08:00

DEFINING A GOOD BRIDGE PLAYER : ASTUTE OBSERVATIONS FROM AROUND THE WORLD.................. ( Research by Bridgemeister Gibson )

- A good player is like a man with one watch for he knows what the time is : a poor player is a man with many watches, for he can only guess

- A wise bridge player is one who after walking in the rain will arrive home refreshed, whereas everyone else will arrive home wet and bedraggled

- An expert player can see more from the bottom of a deep gorge than a fool can see from a clear mountain top

- The best way to define a good player is the one who makes the next-to-last mistake

- Good players are wise : poor players are otherwise

- Experts always plan move on to become better players : weak ones aimlessly stay where they are

- Strange how good players encounter less damaging doubles than others

- Good players will use approaching headlights to make the right move : rabbits just simply freeze and await their fate

2011-11-06T13:30:00.000-08:00

BIGOT'S SECRET TO HAPPY BRIDGE :

.......

" Now folks .....if you're gonna play this game with

a couple of bunnies........then it will be definitely

worth your while if they're ex-Playboy ones "

2011-11-06T02:32:00.000-08:00

BIGOT-

JOHNSON

USES

PAGE 3

PIN UP

BRIDGE

GIRLS

TO BOOST

VOLUME

SALES

2011-11-05T02:11:00.000-07:00

WHAT IS A SOCIAL BRIDGE CLUB ? ........... ( Carp unearths the truth )

- A place where players never hurt other people's' feelings unintentionally

- A hunting ground ideally suited for patient wolves

- A large play pen for adults

- A centre for approved cheating

- One of the last bastions of male chauvinism

- A hot bed where all forms of discrimination take place, even against one's partner

- A gathering place for players who are convinced that they are both interesting and talented, when in fact the opposite is true

- A cauldron of rank hypocrisy and shameful double standards

- A place where men spend all their time thinking angrily about one tiny mistake

- A strange world where even a one-eyed player has no advantage over the blind

2011-11-03T02:06:00.000-07:00

TRICKY ISSUES ( PART 2) : DRAFTING A CONSTITUTION TO DEAL WITH OFF SITE MISCONDUCT ................... ( Article by Professor Hu Chi Ku Chi )

All club committees recognise and acknowledge the need to operate within the boundaries and perimeters laid down by the club's constitution. Rules and regulations capable of coping and dealing with all disciplinary issues need to be sufficiently wide , yet precise and clear in their meaning.

If , for instance, disciplinary proceedings can only be initiated when (a) letters of complaints (b) from members are (c) accompanied by supporting witness statements, three criteria have to be met. So how then does a club proceed when off site misconduct by a member involves a lack of credible witnesses, strangers as victims, and information which comes via a newspaper article ? It seems the committee's hands might well be tied.

What if misconduct , which involved an altercation between two members over a private matter, took place on a street corner ? What if the club has been made aware that some of its members have being ridiculed or defamed in e-mail correspondence between other club members ? What if nasty and vindictive comments were being made for all the world to see on twitter, facebook or website blog ? Has the committee the power to intervene and take disciplinary action , when no one has made a formal written complaint ?

Even though a committee might feel it is correct and proper to initiate an investigation under the disciplinary procedures laid down, has it got the authority to do so ? If the existing constitutional rules clearly suggest otherwise , the committee would be acting beyond its powers. The solution of course is to extent the scope of its powers but with all the necessary checks and balances put in place. But now we come to the nub of the problem : how to draft amendments which are sensible, unambiguous, legally watertight, effective, but with members' rights adequately safeguarded.

Drafting such an amendment, in my opinion, requires key phrases to be put in place :

- " In exceptional circumstances " .............this limits the application of the amendment to rare cases

- " the committee reserves its right " ..........this implies that the use this amendment is not automatic but discretionary

- " to consider taking disciplinary action " .... again not an automatic response but one based on careful thought and thorough review

- " providing the following criteria has been met " .....this will help to restrict the committee's powers and to provide the necessary safeguards to the members' rights.

Criteria may include the following :

- written proof of the reported misconduct arrived from a reliable source

- misconduct amounted to a serious crime , or a civil wrong which caused substantial damage to the alleged victim(s)

- misconduct has brought, or might well bring, the club into disrepute

- misconduct has caused, or might well cause, social unrest and tension within the club

- misconduct warranted disciplinary action, in that suspension or expulsion are both sanctions considered to be within the band of reasonable responses

Often clubs would be well advised to draft an amendment with its own supplementary notes to assist the interpretation and meaning of the words. Alternative drafts could also be drawn up , asking the membership to recommend which one would be most workable and acceptable. Consultation may be necessary as well as seeking outside expert opinion.