BRIDGE BOOKS SOLD TO ME IN BROWN PAPER BAGS FROM UNDER THE COUNTER....... ( Pun incognito )

• What I Always Say To Cheats Who Arrive At My Table...................F. Hoff
• My Game Of Bridge Is Slightly Better Than Average.......................Maura Liss
• I Can't Play Today , I Really Overdid Last Night ..............................Dick Aiken
• The List Of Complaints Against Me Goes On Forever......................Miles Long
• Partner What On Earth Are You Doing With Your Hand ? ..............Holden McGroin
• Any Excuses Our Chairman Makes Are A Pack Of Lies..................Bill Loney
• Losing To Weak Opponents Makes Me Feel Wretched...................Lois Mee
• I'll Tell You What She Enjoys , More Than Playing The Cards........ Amanda Naggatt
• I'm Sorry I Can't Sit Still , I've Got A Problem Down Below..............Jenny Tillitch 
• Yes There Is Something I Prefer More Than Bridge........................Nicholas R. Lotts 

THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARY REVISITED.............

Spade : 

1.  The boss suit
2.  A club member of afro-caribbean origion  ( a rare spectacle indeed )
3.  A handy item to have in the boot of your car when wishing to bury the charred remains of your ex-partner before a missing persons report is filed , or an item which is sorely needed when digging up the dirt on club members you have come to dislike 
4.  The surname of a  seedy-looking player you once knew called Sam 

Club :

1. The place where most male members go to escape their wives 
2.  A highly useful item to have on your person when seeking to end an altercation with a troublesome opponent in a robust and triumphant manner 
3. What you are likely to put your female partner in when playing away , perhaps succumbing to temptation and/or premature outbursts
4. An inferior suit which experts like to put to better use by employing a whole raft of artificial bids ( see the prepared club , two-club openers, stayman , gerber , landy )
5. Capable of having magical properties when opened at the one level by the Northern Pro

CHEATING ON ANOTHER LEVEL.............. ( Article by Carp )

In the bizarre world of bridge a curious and absurd situation has arisen now that duplimated boards have appeared on the scene.. This computorised process eliminates the need for hand shuffling , providing print outs of all the hands for players to read and analyse after the bridge session is over. With bridge clubs eager to embrace this wonderful computer technology , duplimated boards have rapidly become the norm in England for most tournaments , competition matches and duplicate sessions. 
When match boards are prepared in this automated way the only requirement is that procedure involved is subject to "satisfactory " security arrangements being in place. This choice of word in my view is a cop out. 
What is of fundamental importance is the need for tight control. This in turn necessitates " best " practice in establishing and setting up foolproof security arrangements, along with thorough and rigorous monitoring.
So what would constitute the very best security safeguards ?
Firstly , given the club and its appointed individuals might well receive ( via the computer ) hand data to program the duplimator , then this information itself must be kept in secure files with highly restricted access. So secure it is capable of thwarting even the most competent hackers. Moreover, these individuals should not be involved in any of the matches where these boards are going to be played. 
Secondly, these same individuals need to be above all suspicion , men/ women renown for the complete honesty, ethical behaviour , praised for their unwavering impartiality and integrity. People.... who would declare their allegiance towards and/or membership of other clubs where these duplimated boards might also be played. 
Thirdly, once the boards have been made up along with the printed hand-outs , they need to be immediately placed in a locked box inside a locked cupboard. Keys themselves should be limited to just two individuals who themselves can guarantee their safe keeping.
Finally , if prior to the match there is the slightest suspicion of foul play , the captain of the aggrieved team may exercise his/her right to replace the duplimated boards with hand shuffled ones , done there and then at the table with all four players in attendance. If suspicions arise during the match that certain players seem to possess an insight which amounts to detailed knowledge ( no matter how small ) about the hand , then these must be recorded in writing and thoroughly investigated. Indeed,  rumours have circulated around Yorkshire of a player involved in an inter-city match , who having some involvement in the preparation of the boards and print-outs , become the only player to bid and make a  grand slam in diamonds , which only made because of the fortunate layout of the cards.  
So yes , cheating can appear in many shapes and forms but prior knowledge of the hands is I believe on another much higher and more sinister level. Matches can be won or lost on two or three crucial boards where on some boards players would have done well to keep out of a doomed slam , while in other instances slams are bid , despite their poor odds , only to come rolling in. Once is good fortune. twice is co-incidence but three times there has to be something suspicious going on. Even if prior knowledge,  no matter how small or insignificant , arrives say by virtue of pre-match loose gossip, there is without doubt a serious breach of security. Any even when an eavesdropper doesn't have the opportunity to act upon it to his/her benefit that is no excuse to the justified accusation of a security breach.
Security must focus on the elimination of opportunities for cheating to occur. Those who act upon unauthorised information of this kind are the real cheats , but those who responsible for any lapse of security are equally at fault , aiding and abetting such a crime. The pursuit for a level playing field along side the crack down on cheating must be relentless. Security measures currently in place may appear to be good enough , but are they ? Vigilance is needed at all times, and players who regularly appear to have something more than just the gift on insight need to be carefully and discreetly investigated. Always get the evidence first before making any charges.   
   

DON'T PLAY BRIDGE ON THE INTERNET : GO TO A CLUB INSTEAD

Recent research from the UNIVERSITY OF THE BLOODY OBVIOUS ( an institution that should replace all other universities ) has warned that internet bridge is guaranteed to make us feel lonely and morose.

Social contact is what makes us human and behave like humans. Nothing beats face-to-face dialogue, group discussion and social banter. Staring at a screen , with eyes solely fixed on a virtual reality bridge table, playing with faceless partners against faceless opponents is no substitute for the real thing. Real interaction is what makes us happy. Social media generally is full of sad and lonely people claiming everything is OK and perfectly fine, when clearly the opposite is true.

Being a member of a warm welcoming bridge club is like being part of a wonderful family who all share the shame passion and interest in the game as you do. Jovial conversation , and real laughter is both infectious and uplifting. The flat and meaningless quickly typed comment followed by a LOL text reply offers no comparison whatsoever.. 

It's bloody obvious that internet bridge will become the final nail which seals the coffin on club bridge.  As old members and new enthusiasts turn into internet converts , they will remain blind to the fact that while technology seems to present opportunities to fill a social void, it creates in the long term a far greater one of hideous and frightening proportions. 

CALLING ALL BRIDGE CHEATS ( OF WHICH THERE ARE MANY ) .....IF YOU'RE GOING TO CHEAT THEN YOU NEED TO DEVELOP THE FOLLOWING SKILLS

1. A healthy disrespect for the integrity of the game and the rules designed to stop such an evil practice
2. Razor sharp rabbit-like hearing with the ability to tune into any table discussion anywhere in the room
3. An expertise in creating and combining a vast array of coded signals and gestures
4. A grossly misleading and/or incomplete system card
5. A complete mastery of giving out misinformation and incomplete explanations
6. Total control over your compliant partner-in-crime
7. The ability to play the innocent party appearing to be deeply shocked and horrified should anyone dare to suggest foul play at the table
8. Superb wide-angled long range vision 
9. An highly elastic, supple crane-like neck
10. An ability to take deviousness and cunning to unprecedented levels
11. To rid your conscience of all honesty , decency,  morals , and ethical principles
12. A ruthlessness a hardened psychopath would be proud of
13. To focus solely and absolutely on the results with a total disregard for the spirit and enjoyment of the game
14. An unrivalled ability to lie your way out of any situation
15. Staying firm and resolute , never succumbing to any feelings of shame , guilt or remorse