BRIDGE ETIQUETTE TOWARDS PARTNERS ( REVISED EDITION) .........................( By Howard Bigot-Johnson )

As practised by the new generation of Bigot-Johnson wannabes................................The 10 Golden Principles:

1. If you end up in an unmakeable contract preserve your own personal integrity and standing, by blaming your partner's absurb bids for landing you there........even if he passed throughout!
2. If you misplay a perfectly bid and easily makeable contract, remind partner that one of his earlier indiscretions had continued to play on your mind, clearing indicating that your failure.... was his fault after all.
3. If your partner raises your opening bid ( or overcall ) to the limit, which leads to a double and a rather hefty penalty, remind him quite politely that he ought to be aware that you have a tendency to open on filth.
4. When in defence your partner has just made a diabolical play of the cards, calmly point out to him ( at the end of the hand ) the fruitlessness of his lead/return................. by referring to him as a "jaffa".
5. If you have been criticised by your partner ( heaven forbid ) on a particular aspect of your play, discretely ask as many people as you can about the hand......and what they would have done in that situation. Keep on asking until you find someone who shares your view, whereupon you quickly inform partner of this third opinion. Now you can tell partner with conviction that it is he who is in the minority.
6. If you meet opponents that are regarded as weak, elect to play them rather than the system which is on your card. If your partner becomes misled by your unilateral departure from the agreed convention card, politely point out that there is such a thing called "table presence"............which he needs to acquire if his reading of your bids is to improve.
7. If you are renowned for psychic or unsound bids which propel partner to bid directly to game, 4 Notrumps, or slam..........gently remind him that you are an advocate of "slow approach" bidding. The subsequent bad score therefore was completely down to his rash, impetuous and undisciplined bidding.
8. If the opposition, say an E/W pair, have provided you with a gift, make sure you alert them to the error of their ways.....alongwith a huge big "thank you". Also tell them not to be so stupid with the other N/S pairs, since this would negate any advantage gained here. If, as expected, partner objects to your comments, quickly point out to him the insensitivity of his remarks.......and his rudeness for butting in.
9. If you have had a miserable session and a stack of below-par scores, put to the forefront of your mind your partner's litany of errors ( deleting of course, all those he could easily counter-claim were solely down to you). Ensure that the list and all the hands concerned can be repeated in exact detail.....at the drop-of-a-hat....in any bridge conversation, say up to 20 years later. Constant reminders like this may well prompt partner not to make the same mistakes again.
10. Always believe that you are a player of superior technical skill, vision and ability. This way whenever any new partner asks for a game, it is you that is making the magnanimous gesture.......and that it would be both customary and appropriate to offer you some form of remuneration, as compensation for the sacrifice being made..