CURMEDGEONS:Part 1............( Article by Carp) Bridge players by and large are a rum lot of individuals, often developing into a rare breed of curmudgeons. They are hard to please, never completely satisfied with their (or partner's) performance, too quick to criticise, and prone to periodic bouts of despair and depression at the table. Sounds familiar...doesn't it? Indeed, curmudgeons are renown for never being pleased when dummy's hand goes down. On the one hand it may be too good....and the painful realisation of a missed game or slam sets in. But then, on the other hand, it is usually lacking in some respect.....be it points, shape or trump holding. At the table the curmudgeon will always offer a courteous "thank you", but underneath the veneer of gratitude there lurks gross disapproval and content. However "restraint" is not a word in the curmudgeon's vocabulary, and all too often sarcastic one-liners emerge from their mouths. So let's look at a few of the classic comments that poor unfortunate dummies have had to put up with over the years:

• " that's the worst 23 points I've ever seen "
• " not much help there partner "
• " I've seen better "
• " so much for your bidding "
• " all your points are in the wrong places "
• " you supported me on that garbage "
• " you cannot pass on that......"
• " if I'm not mistaken, you did bid a.....? "
• " what sort of a raise was that ? "
• " must you open on rubbish ? "
• " I can only see..........points, partner "
• " you're off your head "
• " you forgot the system....didn't you ? "
• " why not double them instead ? "
• " lurking again ? "

So partnering a curmudgeon partner is no joy ride. In part 2, published tomorrow, we shall look at more of these cutting jibes and classic put-downs...... which will firmly fix in your mind that whatever you bid at the table, you are destined never to get it right.