LAW REPORT : BIGOT-JOHNSON V. SNAYLE (2009)........... Yet again Bigot-Johnson has taken out another private prosecution against a bridge club member. The allegation relates to an offence cited under the 1968 Theft Act. Here is a short excerpt from the trial:

• B-J : "I put to you... your honour....and the jury......that this man....this time bandit.....this cheating thieving dog has caused me...........as a direct result of his painfully slow play.......to suffer three bad boards. These blots on what was otherwise an excellent score card pushed me into second place in the Crockford's final."
• Judge : "I don't quite see the causal relationship?"
• B-J : "You will in a minute...... for I now call upon Professor Hu Chi Ku Chi to take the stand. He is both an eminent bridge player and mathematician, whose grasp of time-related matters is second to none. Please allow him to explain."
• Prof : "The game of bridge involves playing boards inside a certain time frame, such as 20 minutes to play 3 boards. Sharing this time out equally between the 4 players at the table, permits a 5 minute allocation to each player to bid and play his/her cards."
• B-J : "Get on with it then Hu Chi Ku Chi man.........."
• Prof : "If an opponent say uses up 8 minutes of the total time for prolonged consideration of what to do by going into the "think tank" time and time again......then two conclusions can be drawn."
• B-J : "Yes....Yes....quickly tell the court."
• Prof : "Firstly, if the opponent's partner had any shred of decency, fair-play and conscientiousness he might well try to rectify the theft, by cutting back 3 minutes on his allocation. But this scenario is very unlikely. Secondly, and almost inevitably, the three remaining players will share the remaining time equally, each getting 4 minutes. However, the ratio split now becomes 12:8 minutes in favour of the opposition. So with an unfair advantage of 4 extra minutes, they are in a much stronger position to effectively plan and execute the bidding and play of the cards."
• B-J : "Exactly......and this was the scenario I fell victim to when tortoise face over there came to my table. Precious time I was entitled to was hijacked........and my ability to give due thought and attention to my bidding and play was severely undermined. This undoubtedly reduced my chances to obtain the good scores I needed to secure the trophy."
• Judge: "Theft as it may appear to you.......does not appear that way to me......Mr. Snayle has correctly pointed out that the TDs usually allow such procrastinations to take place, occasionally requiring players at the table to forego the last board....with both sides getting an average in the process. It is quite clear that there are no legal grounds on which to bring a case against the accused .........therefore I am bringing this trial to a close."
• B-J : "Bugger..."