THE BRIDGE BULLY'S BIBLE................( Sensationally exposed by Carp ) Every bridge club has its quota of bullies : members who belittle, bemoan, berate, beseige and brutalise their hapless partners. But now I can reveal that they all belong to a dark and secret religious group, which has its own ten commandments in the shape and form of a BRIDGE BULLY'S GUIDE: THE MAXIMS YOU NEED TO FOLLOW IF YOU WANT TO BECOME THAT MOST FEARED AND RESPECTED PERSON. Apparently, each member of this organisation receives a tablet of stone on which these ten commandments are engraved.

1. If partner has made a foul bid or play make sure it is pointed out to him/her in no uncertain terms. ( Please note that condoning such idiocy will be seen as a green light for him/her to carry on in a similar vein.)

2. With regards to all partner's mistakes keep detailed mental notes ( or better still documented records ) so that misedmeanours can be raked over and over again.....and again..... to ensure that his/her shattered condidence never recovers.

3. If blame clearly has to be apportioned use your considerable knowledge and skill, alongwith your senior status, to convince partner that he/she is the primary culprit. Your share should never exceed 5%, even for the most horrendous cock-up which you were solely responsible for. Stick to your ground at all costs, and keep looking around for other society members who will be willing to back you up, committed to support your flawed and prejudiced analysis.

4. Never harangue partner in a quiet polite manner away from the prying eyes and ears of others. Always do it at maximum volume when the largest audience is present.

5. Never allow partner to get the first or the last word in. Better still, never let partner get any words in. Crush any attempt for him/her to put up a defence.......but do accept ( begrudgingly of course ) any grovelling, humble, wretched, pathetic, bleating apology offered.

6. Whenever partner is about to bid or play a card use one or more of the following body language techniques: frowns, twitches, glares, sighs, fidgets, finger tapping, teeth-grating, seat sqirming, teeth-clenching, yawns, grimaces, frozen icy looks, wide-open fear-stricken eyes. This guarantees to exert maximum pressure on partner to get it right. In the event he/she doesn't, then be ready to pounce with a severe reprimand for any deviation that meets with your disapproval.

7. Never under any circumstances praise partner for any bids or card play worthy of merit. Always be ready to point out that a better and alternative bid or line of play could and should have been made, even if this is untrue. However, a much better option is to suggest that luck played a huge part in the successful outcome of the board, by virtue of the opposition being so inept and/or the favourable lay-out of the cards.

8. Always be ready to inflict biting and cutting remarks whenever and wherever possible. Develop that sharp-tongue, razor-sharp wit,alongwith a massive repetoire of classic ( but venomous ) one-liners and put downs.

9. Always maintain an air of arrogance, superiority, and absolute self-belief, but never be afraid to reveal your impatience, annoyance, pain and suffering the moment partner makes a mistake.

10. Always remind partners that they been blessed with the privilege and honour to be playing with such a distinguished person as yourself, but for you to be partnering them required a huge sacrifice and gesture of goodwill on your part.............for which they should be eternally grateful.

( Membership to this covert society of bridge bullies can not be applied for : the only way in is for you to be approached, and invited to join, by an existing member, who feels that you are already displaying the right attributes and credentials to be a fully-fledged bridge bully. However, acceptance into the fold does involve being put through a rather unpleasant initiation ceremony at their secretly located lodge.)