Yet again we see Bigot-Johnson returning to the Crown Court hell-bent on another private prosecution against his partner, Bozo The Clown. Below is an extract from the transcript of this most unusual trial.
- Judge: Back again so soon Bigot.....pray tell me...what are you alleging this time?
- B-J: Malicious persecution, your honour...
- Judge: Enlighten me....please...
- B-J: Well, firstly Bozo keeps pestering the team captain to have me as his partner.....for me that is malicious persecution in itself. But what makes this persecution even more malicious is that fact he keeps making blunders that completely tear me apart. The pain.....the suffering I have to endure.....playing opposite him is like....... being the victim of a sustained non-stop psychological assault......And what really puts a big capital "M" on malicious is the way he religiously preserves an honour card, despite the fact that the only way to make the contract is to jettison it !
- Judge: So you feel persecuted then by his repeated acts of incompetence and stupidity?
- B-J: You've got in one.....so let me tell you about the hand that cost me my sanity, and cost the team the match. Bozo , over there, find himself in 7S after very agressive bidding from West on his eight-card heart suit and 4 diamonds to the king. As dummy I tabled: void....K2.....AQJ8.....QJ98654... Bozo was staring down at his pretty impressive : AKQJ7542....A3....1053.....void....
- Judge: So what happened...?
- B-J: Well, a heart was led by West..... which this supreme clown ....without any due thought or consideration ......elected straightaway to play low from dummy taking the trick in hand with his Ace. Then he decided to run off all eight of his spades.....leaving himself in dummy with the heart king and AQJ of diamonds. He then successfully finessed in diamonds, but now he was locked in dummy having to concede a diamond loser to the king at trick 13. I had never felt so persecuted and put upon in my life !
- Judge: Well, should he have done?
- B-J: Bozo needed to find East with no more than 4 trumps, and so his only plausible line of play was to jettison the King of hearts under his Ace at trick one. Then after running all his eight spades, West's goose is well and truly cooked.... If he elects to keep 4 diamonds, then Bozo can confidently lob the small diamond away from dummy, and run the 10 of diamonds from hand. Unlikely to be covered, Bozo will be in dummy with the jack of diamonds........... but he can now get back to hand in hearts ( by means of a cleverly engineered entry ) to take the diamond finesse again for the contract.
- Judge: That's neat..
- B-J: Moreover, if West elects to keep 3 diamonds and a boss heart, then all Bozo had to do was lob the small heart from dummy and run the 10 of diamond which guarantees him 4 certain winners in the suit. Without doubt your Honour this pantomime buffoon has been put on this earth to persecute me.....
- Judge: As much as I concur with your declarer play analysis, your legal analysis I'm afraid is flawed. Bozo...yes...is as you say is a pantomime buffoon.....who provides amusement and laughter for those looking on. He is quite simply incapable of forming malicious intent because he is just that....incapable of forming any intent, such as seeing home a grand slam in spades. It is on that particular observation I recommend to the jury there is no case for Bozo to answer.
- B-J : Bugger......bugger.....bugger
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