PROFESSOR HU CHI KU CHI UNEARTHS SOME STARTLING NEWS....... Many of us like to associate the game of bridge with education, refinement and class......a recreational pursuit for both gentlemen and ladies. However, my research into the early origins of bridge has revealed that the game quickly travelled across the oceans, only because pirates were the first to take it up. Recently, I was handed an early 17th century document, written by Bartholomew Roberts ( known as Black Bart ), which appears to substantiate this view, being the earliest example of bridge literature on record. Black Bart was obviously a keen player who obviously enjoyed his cut-throat brand of bridge. An extract from this priceless document appears below: .................

" Ahoy me mateys.........it's Black Bart 'ere to tell ye how to win at bridge.... 'n lay yer hands on some silverware. Oi've given a lot o'thought as to what ye need in order to be a good buccaneering bridge player like me self........so listen up whiles I tell'ee what ye need to know. Now, the farst thing is that yer brain 'as to stay mostly focussed.....so keep orf the friggin' rum.....otherwise yer brain will be so addled, ye'll be spewing out stupid bids, and playin' random cards all night. After that, thar's a few other things ye need to know.....loik.....only use conventions that both ye and yer partner fully grasp, and make sure yer both on the same wave-length..... if ye get me drift. No point getting beached on the sands of uncertainty and confusion....eh?

Next, always be stickin' in bids that rattle the enemy. Bids that put their noses out of joint. Bids that add to their misery of havin' scurvy. And if ye can't knock 'em off track with barrage bidding, then unhinge yer wooden leg and finish 'em off that way.

It's always a good idea to have a parrot wot sits on yer shoulder...... but jus' make sure ye has somethin' to clean up the poop he'll be droppin' on yer seat. Train the bird to put the evil eye on yer opponents or to flap around and unsettle 'em that way. Yet the best way to unsettle the enemy is to get mean. Lobbin' insults at 'em should always give ye the psychological edge. Show 'em yer bottle and rattle 'em with barbed comments such as ...." Prepare t'be boarded ye swabs......it's the bottom of the sea for both ye lily-livered wretches"......." Just look at wot's sailed in 'ere .....two grossly deformed maggots twixt keel and shoaling water, with crabs for mates ! "......." What 'ave we 'ere?....two pox-faced numbskulls drowning in their own bilge water."

And another thing....t' be really good at shovin' the fear of God up yer opponents, ye must do all yer shoutin' in the proper way. It needs to 'ave that mid-atlantic accent ......as if ye as got yer tongue rolled around yer backside whilst heavin' up yer stomach in a bad storm. This means gettin' those insults out with a real distinction "arrrrgggghhhhh" sound to 'em. Finally, it's worth notin' that by scuttlin' their confidence, it's all plain sailing from then on. Let 'em sink to the bottom whiles ye calmly collect the bountiful gifts that will surely come floatin' yer way. Piracy bridge is 'ere to stay....and if ye wants to become a cut-throat buccaneer loik me self , then clamber on board me vessel me hearties and hand over the booty......pieces of eight if yer please to fill up this spittle bucket.....'cus ye didn't think this lesson was for free..... did ye ?.....................Aarrrrgggghhhhh.