BRIDGE BULLY'S BIBLE : PART 2.........................................( By Carp) A while back I produced an article on how to become a proper bridge bully, to help those cursed with sad, psychopathic and pathetic personality traits....... who seem driven to behave in an anti-social way. However, my gripe at present with bridge bullies concerns their loud offensive comments, rude remarks and insults....all of which lack precision of thought, intelligent observation and meaningful vocabulary. Their loutish remarks lack authority and originality, relying all to often on meaningless over-used cliches and playground nouns. So for all you bridge bullies out there, here are a few illustrative examples on how to be unpleasant....... with style and integrity. The Bible's message is quite clear : say nothing, unless you can put together some well crafted and cleverly worded insults that will earn you plaudits from those listening in. People who love to appreciate original, witty and creative composition. So why not try out a few of these first to get you into the swing of things, before devising a few razor-sharp put downs of your own:

• There's no beginning to you talents.....
• I have had a perfectly wonderful evening.......but this wasn't it.
• So you have an inferiority complex ? Well, it's fully justified.
• I know you are a self-taught bridge player.....it's nice of you to take the blame.
• God, you're dense.... no wonder light bends around you.
• Ok, so you've got both your bridge oars in the water, but why use them on the same side of the boat ?
• Yes, I know that Jesus loves you........but just wait until he partners you.
• I have never known anyone with such delusions of adequacy....
• So what, if you have a lot of well wishes....most I suspect would like to throw you down one.
• Some bridge players fear success.....but in your case you have nothing to worry about.
• You're going to be a difficult partner to forget....but well worth the effort.
• As a team member you're as useful as a chocolate tea-pot......
• You're not yourself tonight, partner....you've just managed to do the right thing for once.
• Why is it that your brain waves always fall well short of the beach ?
• You look deep in thought there.....wow, that must be unfamiliar territory to you.
• I guess the only thing you brought to the bridge club tonight was your car.
• Nobody thinks more highly of you than I........and I think you are a total loser.
• Don't get me wrong....I'm not trying to make a monkey out of you. There's no way I can possibly take the credit for that.
• I would like to give you a bit of bridge know-how....but I fear you have nowhere to store it.
• The reason partner why your eyes are misting up..... is that your brain is in a fog.
• You used to be hopeless and clueless at the game, but thankfully you're now the opposite......clueless and hopeless.
• If you think other bridge players are the same as you....god, you must have a very low opinion of them.