DR. JOHN'S CASE NOTES : BOMBASTICA BASTARDUS

When bridge players fall victim to a serious psychological or personality disorder, most of us experience sadness, sympathy and concern over their misfortune. But there are some disorders that either have us running for the sick bucket, or the loaded shotgun we keep in the boot of the car. So it comes as no surprise to anyone that the most despised player in the world of bridge ......is the one who falls victim to bombastica bastardus. Often affecting men who are extremely large, immensely round and puffy fingered, they come across as social misfits who would be far more at home as fair ground freaks. Indeed, victims of this condition strut around like pompous and pretentious buffoons. Their egotistical drives fill them full of hot air and misplaced arrogance. Their self-importance knows no boundaries.

These hoity-toity, la-di-dah, toffee-nosed, up-their-own-arses, grinning Cheshire cats arrive at tables with that air of so-called superiority. They sit down, legs akimbo, oblivious to your presence because of their pre-occupation to carry over their self-congratulatory indulgences from earlier boards . They look for any kind of success in order to trigger off a well rehearsed series of high-fives, gloating laughs, smug remarks and rub-it-in comments to their unfortunate opponents. They love to make their opponents feel inferior....or "turned over" in some way. They think they know it all, but they haven't the wit or the nous to realise that they are viewed as grossly overbearing, irritating and obnoxious individuals. To regard them as "victims" of a disorder would be a gesture of tolerance and sympathy, but striking a match on a jelly would be an easier and much preferred option. And because the condition is incurable, and the law on mercy killings as yet is not on the statute books, the only course of action to take ( should you encounter these creeps ) is to find yourself a sick bucket......and then poor the contents over them.