- I see your team of all stars has made quite an impact over here ?
- Definitely... they've certainly kept your selectors and hospitals busy.....
- But aren't the tactics adopted by your players a little unethical or unorthodox .....to say the least ?
- No way....for allow me to quote a few words from Ira Corn Jr's book Play Bridge With the Aces ....which correctly states " Is bridge in fact a sport ? Yes, it is a sport as brutal and as tough as professional football...."
- Hmmm....well, let's leave that unsavoury topic behind...and move onto who you really are, and what events in the past turned you into the " bigot " you are today ?
- Well, as you already know, I was orphaned at an early age, and put into a children's home. This was all in all a very distressing period in my life.
- But then.....as a young man ?
- Having been underfed and undernourished for so long, I stood only 5 feet 2 inches tall...with physique that was barely noticeable.....and because of my long expression and big ears, people took me for a Beagle. But unlike all those horrible boys in the orphanage, they were at least polite and respectful.........despite treating me like a dog. Mind you, all this did have its compensations......I was never ordered off the grass in parks, no one complained if I piddled up against lamp-posts.......and pretty girls would frequently stop in the street to scratch me behind my ears.
- Amazing....so then you met the woman, who later became your wife ?
- Yes.....she was the only woman who was prepared to accept me for who I was.....with all my physical handicaps, such as my club feet and buck teeth. Mind you, I was more than willing to accept hers, as she was profoundly deaf and near blind.
- A remarkable woman.....but what about your involvement and achievements in bridge ?
- Yes, the game has been my salvation. With bridge clubs being the perfect haven for bitter, twisted, cantankerous old bastards.... like myself....there, I became one of many. And I knew, because of my obvious ability and flair for the game, I could really " damage " people and get away with it. Take it from me, bridge is regarded by most players as one way of indulging in legitimate, ritualised forms of non-physical violence, where they can stuff one another good and proper week-in week-out without fear of prosecution.
- An interesting and revealing perspective I must say....but what about all these court cases you've been involved in over the years ?
- Ahh...I thought you'd come onto that. Well, I'm a man who has forever been both persecuted and prosecuted...yet somehow I seem to manage to come out of it all unscathed........
- Well, I'm sorry to tell you that......there are rumours afoot that you and your boys are going to be indicted over here for acts of violence, and bringing the game of bridge into disrepute.....and that the tour will have to be called off. So what comment would you like to say on this matter ....?
- Bugger
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