THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARY REVISITED.............

• Balance : something you find hard to do after one too many doubles
• Isolated menace : a term Bigot-Johnson once coined after locking up the irritant, Percy Pantopod, in the club's downstairs sound-proofed wine cellar
• Safety play : the process of taking all necessary precautions against (i) king-size cock ups, (ii) careless slips, and (iii) getting into trouble
• Spread : what hungry inter-city team players wish for but never get, when the half-time tea interval only provides a limited number of small cheese sandwiches and sausage rolls
• Trick light : one that can be switched on and off by the click of one's fingers
• Three down : a term used by those looking to remove undesirables from the club. Often the statement is completed by "....... two to go ".
• Onosecond : the minuscule fraction of time it takes you to realize you've just played the wrong card. This type of calamitous mistake is always accompanied by the words " Oh no ......."
• Handicap teams : a competition where every top seeded team is required to field at least one complete idiot in their line up