Almost a year ago I bravely and boldly suggested Oscar type trophies should be handed out to club players who managed to achieve great things other than winning a club competition. These gold plated Oscar awards ( at no expense spared ) would enable dozens of players to have a stab at glory no matter how pathetic and wretched they were at bridge. So here are a few more suggestions for club committees to ponder over, if they want to consider handing out more prestigious awards at their next AGM or prize-giving ceremony:
- The ITCHING POWDER award for the player who has proved himself to be the club's biggest irritant, forever getting under every one's skin
- The ALICE IN WONDERLAND award should go to the committee member who clearly operates in a fantasy world, turning all committee meetings into Mad Hatter's tea parties
- The BLACK DEATH award for the player who no one wants to partner or play against
- The PIGGY-WIGGY award for the most objectionable player, well renown for his/her constant grunting, snorting, and sticking-their-nose-in-where-it's-not-wanted antics
- The LEMMING award which recognises the incredible achievement of a player who has pushed the self-destruct button more times than anyone else, with his suicidal overcalls, and reckless overbidding
- The OSTRICH award which can only be given out to themselves, if there's evidence to show that they ( the committee ) have developed an uncanny knack of burying their heads in the sand, whenever a big or awkward problem comes along
- The BIG EARS award for the player whose listening skills are second to none, tuned in at all times to loose conversations about boards just played on nearby tables.... which of course are heading his/her way
- The LADLE award for the club member who has done that much stirring, the club has been deluged with malicious gossip and scandal-mongering rumours on a scale never seen before
- The BARE FACE CHEEK award which should be handed out to the club's biggest and most outrageous hypocrite, who never in a month of Sundays practises what he/she preaches
- The POISON GAS CANISTER award for the player who has shown a natural talent to create an unpleasant atmosphere wherever he/she goes, antagonising and provoking others, and drawing them into awkward and difficult conflict situations
- The FROZEN RABBIT award for the most pathetic and timid player of the year who, if asked to perform on the big stage and put under the glare of the spot-lights, instantly becomes paralysed with fear and dread as to what to do next
- The WHITE STICK award which should be given out to the most biased TD at the club, who is unable to see the right course of action to take, choosing instead to be blinded by his/her own deeply seated prejudices against players considered inferior and therefore unworthy of justice
- The BROWN TONGUE award for the biggest arse-licker of the year, famed for sucking up to those in power and privileged positions, pompous sorts who spend most of their time talking crap
- The DUMB-BELL award which should be handed out to the player who made the most horrendous hash of a simple straightforward contract, where if other players had been asked to throw tricks away they would have still achieved a better score than this particular bumbledog
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