( After an eventful night, Sylvia Swamp noticed Primrose Pantopod in the bar area and descended upon her to have a chat . )
Sylvia : Can I tell you what happened to me tonight ?
Primrose : If you must ........
S : Well, three rounds in and who should come to my table next ? ..... Yes, Bigot's bruiser of a partner, Mungo Whatisname.....you know..... the one whose arms are covered with hideous tattoos........each one depicting a huge playing card.....of kings and queens together in all kinds of unusual positions !
P : No way......
S : Yes....in every way. I can tell you I was shocked. And then he said to me " I hear you're partial to big bottoms.....and that's what you're going to get from me. So before this big ape could sit down, I kicked him firmly in the crutch with my silver-pointed toecap shoe .................
P : You didn't ?
S : I did. So naturally I said to him " If anyone is going to kick butt on this table it's me.......the last person who felt my wrath was seen running to the toilet desperate to change his pants...."
P : You actually said that ?
S : Oh yes....... but after I whopped him good and proper on the first board, he then has the brass cheek to lean over and snarl " Hey, scallop face....you just got lucky that time ! "
P : He didn't ?
S : He did. Then....... on the next board, he just sat there and starting picking his nose while he contemplated his opening bid. So I said to him " Leave them bogeys alone and get on with the bidding. I'd rather be at home doing my verrucas than sitting here looking with you ".
P : You didn't ?
S : I certainly did, and so when he finally managed to stumble a weak 1NT bid, I looked at my 8 point 7-3-2-1 distribution and thought " time for some fun "...........and so I stuck in a vulnerable 2C overcall........which was meant to be natural.
P : You didn't ?
S : 'Fraid so. .....and it was music to my ears when the Bigot thumped down a double. Then, when the bidding got back to me, I volunteered 2D which got the same treatment.....followed by 2H .......which also got whacked. Finally, I bid 2S praying for this to be doubled.....which thankfully...... the big oaf couldn't stop himself from doing. And guess what...... this contract came rolling home with a trick to spare.
P : It didn't ?
S : Hey, you're right.....I just played safe for 8 tricks to net a plus 670 score. Anyway, by now Mungo was blowing a gasket.......so he stood up...... and bellowed at the top of his voice " You scheming bastard ........ I want you to come outside ".
P : He didn't ?
S : He surely did......so I told him there and then.... I happen to like my sex indoors !
P : You didn't ?
S : I did .....and guess what happened next ?......he took of his braces and threatened to whip my arse....
P : Good gracious me....what did you say to that ?
S : I said " Don't waste your time or energy..... 'cus last night a regular punter did just that, and there's nowt to it....."
P : You didn't ?
S : I did....and not surprisingly the oaf man walked off with his tail between his legs....
P : What metaphorically ?
S : No for real.....the silly sod's trousers had fallen down
P : Well, I never........
S : And so with a few minutes to spare before the start of the next round , I decided to have another scrape at my earwax.....
P : Oh yes..... I couldn't help noticing a huge pile of it close to where you were sitting.....
( Just then a loud peeping noise could be heard from outside )
S : Sorry.........must go......my taxi's arrived.........bye
P : Bye ......
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