LAW REPORT : CRIME IS IN THE AIR

ENVIRONMENTAL HEALTH AGENCY v. OFFICERS OF THE SLAUGHTER HOUSE BC ( 2011 )

( The Slaughter House BC was brought before the Crown Court to face various charges under the Pollution Prevention and Control Act 1999. Undaunted by the prospect of incurring a massive fine, the club's chairman Bigot-Johnson, decided to take on the job as defence counsel to both the consternation and dismay of his fellow officers. An extract from the trial's transcript appears below. )

Prosecutor : Bigot-Johnson, are you aware of the directives laid down in the Pollution Prevention and Control Act of 1999 ?

B-J : No....

P : Well, allow me to enlighten you somewhat. Air pollution comes about when substances, such as chemicals, particulate matter and/or biological material, are released into the natural composition of air. The human production of substances that do not comprise a part of the naturally occurring biological make up of the air is without doubt a major cause of air pollution. Legal directives are now in place to regulate these anthropogenic sources of air pollution. Human activities that cause air pollution include of course waste incineration, and other domestic activities.

B-J : Heavens above....I cannot for the life of me see how we as acting officers of a bridge club have caused or brought about an environmental threat with regards to the health and well being of our members.

P : I beg to differ.....Indeed, my next line of questioning will surely expose your culpability with regards to these dreadful eco-crimes. All you have to do is answer these simple questions " yes " or "no "

B-J : Oh if I must....

P : Do bridge players tend to do a lot of huffing and puffing ?

B-J : Yes...

P : Do they blow hot and cold when results don't go their way ?

B-J : Yes...

P : Are nearly all your members over 6o years of age ?

B-J : Yes...

P : And prone to flatulence ?

B-J : Too bloody right .....

P : And suffering from weak bladders and bowel muscles ?

B-J : Yes....God, do you know your stuff....

P : Not forgetting decaying teeth and halitosis ?

B-J : Yes....yes

P : Along with poor sense of smell which is mainly responsible for their deteriorating standards in personal hygiene?

B-J : By God...you're so right...

P : And of course there's all their ailments and age-related medical conditions, many of which are highly infectious

B-J : Yes...yes...yes......I see where you are coming from !

P : Therefore, I put it to you that air inside your club is saturated with an unnatural cocktail of dangerous pollutants and nasty germs, never to be encountered anywhere else on this planet. Your bridge club, and no doubt hundreds of others, have now become the major centres of serious eco-crimes. The negative effects of contaminated air on attending members is all too plain to see, as evidenced by the symptoms observed and recorded by the agency's visiting inspectors.

B-J : Such as ?

P : Well, their notes show that dozens of players, even the healthier ones, had real difficulties in breathing. Endless accounts of players gasping, wheezing, sniffing, coughing.......along with a whole load of other sounds and gestures associated with respiratory and cardiac problems.

B-J : Yes, I would be tempted to agree with you that air pollution could be the reason behind these negative symptoms they had outlined. But their conclusions and yours are all wrong. All these particular responses are nothing more than players trying to convey unauthorised information across to their partners.

P : Are you sure ?

B-J : Absolutely, my club is full of unethical players who will use any " wheeze " they can to impart coded messages to their partners.

Judge : Well, I never.......and if that is the case, then there is no case to answer. There appears to be no medical evidence at all of any deleterious or dangerous effects of air pollution upon the club's members. The air quality may well be bad....possible rank.... but strangely oblivious to these low-life cheating dogs. I'm off.....

B-J : Too right......the air in this courtroom is certainly nothing to write home about either !