( For a second time Pun was brought before the Crown Court to face charges, relating to his obscene publications on the infamous Howard Bigot-Johnson's Bizarre World of Bridge blog. Having survived the first case by the skin of his teeth, this latest attempt to avoid a custodial sentence was to prove a much sterner challenge......and there was no Baroness Gloria Leveridge ( formerly Stitz) to help him out. So having decided to take a leaf out of Bigot-Johnson's book on court room tactics, Pun decided to defend himself. An extract from the trial's transcript appears below. )
Prosecutor : I put it to you Pun..... that thousands of bridge blog readers have been outraged by your lewd, depraved and disgusting double entendres. You have created hundreds of suggestive book titles, using fictitious authors whose names have the most explicit sexual connotations. Your material is both vile and disgusting, having little or no reference to bridge whatsoever, causing readers to be both astounded and reviled. So many of your unsavoury sexual innuendos have led to a deluge of complaint letters to various censoring authorities.
Pun : I'm innocent....I'm not depraved in any way........all my double entendres appear accidentally........I just can't help it....one just keeps slipping out every now and again.........often taking me by surprise
P : But surely as a writer you are capable of editing your own work before finally putting it to print ?
Pun : Bigot, my boss, is an axeman, and he doesn't allow me any time to make corrections. He always asks me at the last minute for articles, setting impossible deadlines, and threatening me to do with in with his immense chopper if I fail to meet them.
P : Really Pun......using such words like that....you've put yourself into a right big hole....
( Suddenly, a ring tone from a mobile echoes around the courtroom )
Pun : Excuse me.....I need to answer this urgent call.....something big has reared its head ! It's private.....so I'll need to take it outside.......
( Pun exits the courtroom only to appear several minutes later )
Judge : Who the hell have you been talking to ?
Pun : It was my distressed girlfriend......I don't like to leave her behind alone.....so I've arranged to get across to her as soon as this trial is over. She desperate for me to get started on her front.
Judge : What the blue blazes are you on about.....I need to get to the bottom of this.
Pun : No problem....I'm more than happy to fill you in.....You see..... it's her husband.......he doesn't want me on this job. So now that he's out, I'll have to call round at the house, and come in through the back door. She says it's always safer if I use the rear entrance.
P : Your honour....can't you see he's even prepared to use filthy, crude, vile double-entendres even in this hallowed courtroom !
Judge ( laughing ) : I'm sorry ...I quite beside myself...his language tickles me pink...
P : Come again........?
Judge : God....you're as bad as he is........but before proceeding further, tell me Pun......why have you turned up to this hearing in just your tatty jeans and T-shirt ....
Pun : Well, that's because the job I've been asked to do is a filthy one.......laying down tarmac on her front....
Judge : Will there be any left over.....I could do with some ?
Pun : Sure....so where you like your hot asphalt ?
P : That's it.....I've had enough of all this vulgarity......I'm tossing off somewhere quiet.... to calm down.....
Judge : Well, if that is the case, I'm treating the trial as over. Case dismissed.
Pun : Thank God for that....I'm off now to see to my woman.......she's lives near Bawtry
Judge : Are you intending to go all the way ?
Pun : Yes I am .....why ...are you after a lift in that direction ?
Judge : Indeed I am....what a fine upstanding member of the public you are. You have a true gift with words. I'm willing to blow your horn anyday.....
Pun : Wow....there's no flies on you m'lud...
Judge : Oww....what a cocky little man you are....
Pun : Hey, you're even better at these double entendres than me....
Judge : Come now.....that is pushing it a bit too far....
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