NEWS FLASH : FOR ALL THOSE WHO JUST DIDN'T MAKE IT INTO THE HALL OF FAME THERE'S NO NEED TO WORRY......BIGOT-JOHNSON HAS COME TO YOUR RESCUE

Yes, Bigot has done it again to save the day, and spared the blushes of under-fire selectors in the process. He is proposing for those players who never quite made the cut, to be considered for other prestigious awards.....some of which will be the envy of many. Awards that will come with big cash prizes thrown in. Awards that will be bigger than the Oscars.

So here then is his list of awards that will surely set the bridge world alight with both interest and fascination :

- THE FAGIN AWARD for the player who has picked more opponents' pockets than any other

- THE APOLLO AWARD for the player who has managed to shit on another from the greatest height

- THE HUMPTY DUMPTY AWARD for the player who cracked up so badly no one has been to repair the psychological damage

- THE NORMAN BATES AWARD for the player who has taken extreme retribution upon his partner, simply because she didn't match up to his dead mother's expectations

- THE TIM HENMAN AWARD for the player who never managed to win a big competition despite numerous early round successes

- THE ERROL FLYNN AWARD for the player who has won the " member of the year " trophy at his club for several years running

- THE TONY BLAIR AWARD for the player who likes to hide behind a Bush , whenever criticism comes his way

- THE LIBERACE AWARD for the man whose flamboyant dress sense has managed to deflect other players from recognising his gross limitations as a card player

- THE LADY MACBETH AWARD for the most devious back-stabbing bitch ever to have taken up bridge

- THE FRANKENSTEIN AWARD for the player whose head has never been properly screwed on

- THE SNOW WHITE AWARD for the one who, in the interests of the team, has willingly taken on the poisoned chalice of partnering the club's top but most disagreeable player

- THE TOAD OF TOAD HALL AWARD for the player who gets so beguiled by a new bidding gadgets that he/she always falls victim to them

- THE MAD HATTER AWARD for any member of the Boston BC committee who can turn a straightforward meeting into a total farce or an unbelievable tea-party

- THE HENRY VIII AWARD for the player who has gone to the greatest lengths to rid himself of unwanted partners