( As reported in The Bawtry Gazette )
A local man, Howard Bigot-Johnson, was brought before Sheffield Crown court charged with attempted murder. The incident took place at Doncaster bridge club during an open swiss pairs event. The victim was his annoying bridge partner, Percy Pantopod, who for several months was in a critical condition at Doncaster hospital, with serious head injuries resulting from the attack. The judge could not refrain from saying how disgusted he was with the defendant's appalling behaviour.
After the jury came back with a guilty verdict, Bigot-Johnson was ordered by the judge to stand up to receive his sentence. The court room went so quiet that all eyes immediately focused on the defendant, when he zipped up his flies.
" Bigot....you have been correctly found guilty of a vile and wicked crime. How any man can throw his bridge partner out of a second storey window just because he misplayed a contract beggars belief. With a drop of 20 feet onto a hard concrete pavement, you knew the chances that Percy might sustain a serious injury, possibly death, were very high indeed. Have you anything to say in mitigation before I pass sentence. "
Bigot-Johnson's face seemed full of regret and remorse. Seconds ticked by before he managed to stutter out an answer.
" Yes....I made a terrible error of judgement.....I did it without thinking........God, I feel so bad about it. I have no excuse whatsoever......hell....there could have been a poor unsuspecting pedestrian passing underneath at the time ! "
" I've heard enough..... 5 years....with no remission ! "
" Bugger...."
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