THE LATEST NEWS FROM THE SLAUGHTER HOUSE BRIDGE CLUB...........

Bigot, despite being a player of great skill and ability, has for countless years left the club's prize giving ceremonies empty handed. Destined never to lay his hands on a trophy, he decided to take the initiative and do something about it.

As chairman, he pushed through a committee meeting a proposal to introduce a new batch of awards, which he knew would go to deserving winners. Awards which would acknowledge members as being a real force to be reckoned with : men loaded with real talent and flair, who have already established themselves as the club's most talked about players.

However, many of his critics believed these awards were just tongue-in-cheek , but not for the serious minded Bigot. For he designed them with only one winner in mind......HIMSELF.

The full list is as follows :

- TONGUE TWISTER AWARD for the player who has demonstrated a complete inability ( through being permanently drunk ) to sequence words together, should they prove too difficult to pronounce quickly or correctly

- DEVIL'S TONGUE AWARD for the player who has been possessed by Lucifer himself, forever hurling ( at partners and opponents alike ) insults , which are nasty, venomous, vile, possibly blasphemous and extremely offensive.

- BROWN TONGUE AWARD for the club member who is nothing more than a sycophantic creep , licking up to those with high profile connections, exulted positions in society, power and wealth.

- MOTHER TONGUE AWARD for the player who has demonstrated an amazing ability to regress back into his early childhood, whereby his first acquired language of grunts, screams, whines and howls, express all too clearly his raw emotions .

- THE SILVER TONGUE AWARD for the player who, when sober, chooses on rare occasions to demonstrate sublime eloquence, reciting well rehearsed speeches , all of which carry massive overtones of glibness and deceptiveness.

- THE FORKED TONGUE AWARD for the player who , when confronted by a TD, resorts to giving completely different accounts as to what really happened at the table