THE SLAUGHTER HOUSE BRIDGE CLUB IMPOSES A STRICT UNIFORM DRESS CODE ON ITS MEMBERS

( In a packed club house Bigot-Johnson, dressed in a white suit with a red tie, rose from his gilt-edged chair to address the membership about his latest initiative. A full transcript of the speech apears below. )

" Members......from this point on .....new club rules about dress will be strictly implemented. Uniforms are back in vogue. Every man will be required to wear a brown , dark blue or black jacket with a matching shirt or tie.......depending of course upon his status within the club. The jacket will display the club emblem ......... two cattle hanging upside down with their necks cut.......on the breast pocket.

Because let's face it...... does anyone here in this room think it's a good idea to turn up to the club wearing exactly what they please ? Just look at yourselves..........not only are you lot a joke.... like waifs and strays with no dress sense whatsoever.......but the general level of scruffiness has clearly sunk to the level of a common guttersnipe. This place looks more like a refuge for the homeless.

So let's now examine why uniforms are a damn good idea. They are symbolic of good breeding and class.........not to mention power and elitism. Just take the finest schools in our country today......Eton, Winchester, Harrow.....and see whether they wear a uniform or not. They do. And lots of it. And they represent the best talent this country can produce......people who go onto to become prominent politicians, high-fliers, business moguls, and captains of Gentlemen Club bridge teams.

Wearing club regalia will therefore turn this place into something special .........an institution you can brag and boast your membership of....... enabling you to go about your daily humdrum lives with a spring in your step. Naturally, if you walk around together sporting your club outfits. I would prefer you to walk in step with heads held high.

However, I do need to point out that only the punishment officers are allowed to wear black jackets.

Why is that you may ask? Well, how are the rest of us to know who they are if they do not stand out from the rest. Indeed how would they know, who they are and what role they have to undertake, if they can't distinguish themselves from the ordinary riff raff members. Uniforms help promote respect for authority, rules and one's superiors.

So finally let me give you 3 more good reasons why it becomes essential for you to accept and adopt this new uniform dress code.

One : It will promote within the club a sense of identity and team spirit.

Two : It prevents discrimination between members on the grounds of their class and economic differences. This means that the only permitted discrimination is limited to the status and roles you have within the club's hierarchy.

Three : Having already purchased batch consignments of these jackets and shirts from the far east I need to recoup my investment as soon as possible if I'm to make a killing. No one is allowed to leave this room without first placing an order over by the desk, where Ronnie and Reggie are seated .....both, I might add, looking a picture in their black jackets, dark shirts and white ties.