THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARY REVISITED..................

• Bridge bore : what a player becomes when regaling stories about his triumphs, coups and successes to a tired, dispirited, "we've heard-them-all-before " audience
• Partner : a person we like well enough to play with, but not well enough to be excused from severe bollockings
• Score card : a record of your results, mostly embarrassing, which provides an explanation regarding your position in the bottom 10%, along with the big-eared rabbits and brainless woodentops
• Trophy : usually a silver shaped cup with stand, which is handed out as a reward to those who are experts in carving up rabbits and butchering lambs
• Lawful : the label given to a TD's decision, which succumbed to the will of the defaulting party to the dispute, who clearly benifitted from his/her position of power and status within the club
• Table laughter : interior convulsions which rarely happen during play, given the huge numbers of participating players renown for their grumpiness, sullen behaviour and negative attitudes
• Auction : something you get actively involved in at the start of each hand, being fully prepared to make that one last final bid, which often leads to the ultimate price being paid