NEWSFLASH : BRIDGE PLAYERS TO BE TESTED FOR DRUGS...............

Finally, five years after the drug taking scandal that occured during the 2006 World Bridge Championship, when a top USA player was stripped of her medal, the EBU has woken up to the idea that something needs to be done over here in the UK to combat the problem of performance enhancing drugs. Rumours are circulating around the clubs that a ruling is about to be made which requires TDs to carry out random drug tests on players, who score over 60% in all green pointed competition events. Any traces of these brain boosting drugs in the samples will result in the cheating dogs having to hand back the illegally obtained prize money, trophies, certificates and green points .

However, there has to be some concession in allowing players to use drugs designed to keep them from (a) falling asleep, (b) becoming depressed, (c) getting anxious and agitated, and (d) falling victim to memory loss and/or lapses in concentration......otherwise competition organisers would experience very serious problems indeed given the age and psychological profile of those participating.

Unconfirmed leaks from inside the EBU indicate that the Northern Congress , scheduled to take place at Slaughter House Bridge Club , might be the first to pilot this long overdue initiative to ensure the game stays clean. The club's owner and star player, Bigot-Johnson , was heard to comment : " What the bloody hell is the world coming to ? People only play bridge in these rural inbred-ridden backwaters for a bit of crack and the occasional trip out".