THE WALNUT TREE ALLOTMENT BRIDGE CLUB'S DISCIPLINARY APPEAL HEARING No. 4

( Unbelievably, it was the turn of Bigot-Johnson of all people to be randomly selected to sit in judgement with two others to hear an appeal from his arch-enemy Percy Pantopod . The appellant was contesting a 6 month ban which was imposed upon him by the committee for numerous assaults on fellow club members. Bigot of course took it upon himself to be chairman. A transcript of the appeal hearing can be seen below. )

PP : I would like to have my learned friend and club colleague in attendance to help and assist me in presenting my case.......

B-J : Not a chance........tell him to sod off.......you're on your own. We don't want any jumped-up Garrick room lawyers messing up these proceedings with their legal gobbledygook, tedious complex arguments and all that nonsense. This panel is only concerned with the facts.....plain and simple. And I would like to remind you Percy....that I should be at home right now watching the Wimbledon Men's final !

PP : But....but... I've come here expecting fairness and justice.....

B-J : For pity's sake man....this isn't a bloody court case......it's a rubber stamp exercise......so please, can we start the process of going through the motions.....

PP : Well, first off I would like to re-iterate the fact that I never committed any wrongful acts in the first place....

B-J : Hold on there.....is it not true that you have this offensive habit of introducing yourself to new members by shaking their hands .....with both vigour and gusto ?

PP : Yes..but....

B-J : But what ?.... My knowledge of the law may be diddly-squat, but I am very aware that shaking of any one's body parts is technically an assault......not to mention trespass to their person. And is not also true that you have this unfortunate habit of patting the backs of competition winners in an overly enthusiastic way ?

PP : Yes...but...

B-J : But what... all these acts constitute unwarranted assaults on members, which this club has no time for whatsoever in this exciting new climate of zero tolerance

PP : Oh.....but what about the way the committee reached its decisions ?.... firstly to uphold a complaint about me ........made by one of its own members.....and secondly...... to immediately impose a 6 month ban ? What happened was clearly unfair. It was the manner in which the process was carried out that was flawed. Many of the rules of natural justice were contravened such was the apparent lack of objectivity, impartiality and good faith.

B-J : How dare you suggest such things. I'll have you know that this committee is made up of decent and dedicated club members, who...yes.... might have unwittingly displayed a certain bias against you.......based quite understandably upon a deep seated dislike for you.....given your appalling dress sense and sick personality. But they did everything by the book so to speak !

PP : I disagree.....the committee erred ...

B-J : What the blue blazes are you prattling on about ? Let me remind you that there is an unwritten law that states " The committee can do no wrong ". Might is right.

PP : But I have a witness here who will testify that partisan bias undermined the committee's proceedings which led to this 6 month ban

B-J : Listen....that bloody whistle-blowing friend of yours is not someone I would trust for a single second. He is a devious bastard....and if I am obliged to hear what he has to say.....I am certainly not obliged to listen and take on board any of his observations. These will all be dismissed in the same way as this pointless appeal of yours.

PP : Oh.....but what about the fact that I never had an initial hearing to present my case to the committee before the punishment was handed out ?

B-J : As I recall, the committee had given you an opportunity to appear before them.....as well as take part in a re-enactment of a particular nasty back-slapping incident.......on dates which you were unfortunately away on holiday in America. That's life......So yes, in my mind the committee followed to the letter all the steps regarding the disciplinary process as laid down by the club's constitutional rules and regulations. It doesn't matter a jot if decisions were made in no faith, bad faith or blind faith......Natural justice ? What the hell is that all about ?

PP : But I've got a rock solid legal opinion here in writing that supports my claim that some miscarriage of justice had taken place....

B-J : All this is causing me to get really pissed off.....no doubt I've already missed the first set of the men's final...and this panel isn't really interested in your legal opinions, views, arguments, analysis and contentions,......we are only here to look at the facts...which are, according to your earlier admissions, as follows. You violently shook the delicate hands of unsuspecting new club members plunging them into a state of fear and dread, as well as thumping your fists into the backs of others without warning, inflicting upon them deep bruising, pain and untold suffering. And you expect us to overturn the committee's decision to ban you ! Are you stark raving bonkers ?

PP : Well, as far as I'm concerned the my balls are still up in the air and I may have to consider going to court...

B-J : Jesus Christ......thanks for reminding me.....I really do need to get back home for the tennis.....so I now declare this appeal hearing is at an end....and yes Percy, I'm glad to say you've lost.... just like Murray has done no doubt...... in his first set against Nadal......

PP : So...... is that it ? Have you nothing more to say to me ?

B-J : No.....except for two words........ " bugger off "