LAW
REPORT :
R v.
BIGOT-
JOHNSON
( 1994 )
......
This particular case came up before a Crown Court judge around about the time Bigot had the misfortune of being paired up with a fresh-faced and enthusiastic Percy Pantopod : a partnership that was destined to be short-lived. So when a horrific incident at the Walnut Tree Allotment Society BC was reported to the police  , Bigot found himself facing a serious criminal charge of GBH with intent. The great man of course elected to defend himself, and this short extract from the trial's transcript sums up his extremely bitter and twisted mind .

Judge : Is this an X-ray of Poor Percy's skull following your vicious attack on him at the club ?
B-J : Indeed it is .....though the presence of a brain certainly begins to cast some doubt in my mind that this head belongs to him..... the man being such a nitwit
Judge : But there's a five inch nail embedded in it !
B-J : Yes....and let me tell you it was really tough going, having to drive it in that far...
Judge : I assume this poor man was a helpless victim of an unprovoked armed attack ?  
B-J : Excuse me......I had suffered extreme provocation from the very first minute I had sat down to play with him. Watching this numbskull butcher one contract after another would turn any saint into a demented killer. How I restrained myself from not killing him outright says a great deal about my patience, tolerance and understanding....
Judge : But why not just speak to him nicely.....and offer a few kind words of advice
B-J : I tried all that....but then there comes a time when more dramatic and effective correction techniques are called for
Judge : Well, in my book brutal force is not the best way to get Percy, or anyone else for that matter,  to change the errors of their ways
B-J : Not so.....my bridge teacher , the highly revered and respected "Toxic " Ted Bateman,  told me that the only way to get a point across to an idiot.....is to hammer it home.......and that's exactly what I did....