A DOUBLE DOSE FROM THE DEMON DOCTOR......
There was an old fool from Fife
Who had the misfortune to partner his wife
As her nagging got worse
Into a temper he burst
So he finished her off with a knife
There was a deluded young man from Crewe
Who thought bridge was a game that he knew
But with a brain like a brick
He lost trick after trick
It was obvious he hadn't a clue
Sunday, 29 September 2013
NEWSFLASH : SHENANIGANS AT THE 666 SHENANIGANS BRIDGE CLUB
Within months of the club's inauguration many members were shocked to find rather unpleasant changes taking place to the Friday night duplicate bridge sessions.
Bigot-Johnson had previously convened an EGM which the majority of members had no knowledge about, having failed to see the posted details about it on the club's notice board. The one-inch-by one-inch poster was in a print so small , only those members in possession of powerful magnifying glasses had any chance of reading its content.
Nevertheless , rumours broke out about Bigot's sharp practice and several of his fiercest adversaries turned up to the meeting , ready to scupper any of his nefarious plans. First item up on the agenda was a Bigot-Johnson proposal to have a bondage bridge night on Fridays , which would involve errant and inept partners being subjected to all manner of punishments and tortures.
Despite having all his lackeys ready to vote the proposal through , the voting on the floor appeared evenly divided : 16 for, 17 against. However , the proposal got the nod when the eighteen " yes " proxy votes had been taken into account , giving Bigot the two-thirds majority he needed to push through this enterprising and exciting initiative.
" We demand to see where these proxy votes came from ...." screamed one of the seventeen.
" Members who couldn't get to the club " , replied Bigot.
" Name one " said a doubting Thomas.
" Albert Childs "
" But he died .....just a few ago ago.....the poor sod "
" True "
" But dead men can't vote "
" Ah ....that is correct....but Albert was asked to vote on this issue just before he passed away.....and as far as the constitution goes......he still remains a paid up member until the end of the calendar year..."
" This is an outrage......dead men can't make proxy votes "
" May be so....but Albert was alive when he made it.....and we should all respect a dead man's wishes.....even heartless bastards like you ...."
And so the evening went on with committee backed proposals going through on the support of these 18 proxy voters. This of course turned out to real triumph for the chairman Bigot-Johnson , a self-proclaimed deviant, shyster and scoundrel.
Within months of the club's inauguration many members were shocked to find rather unpleasant changes taking place to the Friday night duplicate bridge sessions.
Bigot-Johnson had previously convened an EGM which the majority of members had no knowledge about, having failed to see the posted details about it on the club's notice board. The one-inch-by one-inch poster was in a print so small , only those members in possession of powerful magnifying glasses had any chance of reading its content.
Nevertheless , rumours broke out about Bigot's sharp practice and several of his fiercest adversaries turned up to the meeting , ready to scupper any of his nefarious plans. First item up on the agenda was a Bigot-Johnson proposal to have a bondage bridge night on Fridays , which would involve errant and inept partners being subjected to all manner of punishments and tortures.
Despite having all his lackeys ready to vote the proposal through , the voting on the floor appeared evenly divided : 16 for, 17 against. However , the proposal got the nod when the eighteen " yes " proxy votes had been taken into account , giving Bigot the two-thirds majority he needed to push through this enterprising and exciting initiative.
" We demand to see where these proxy votes came from ...." screamed one of the seventeen.
" Members who couldn't get to the club " , replied Bigot.
" Name one " said a doubting Thomas.
" Albert Childs "
" But he died .....just a few ago ago.....the poor sod "
" True "
" But dead men can't vote "
" Ah ....that is correct....but Albert was asked to vote on this issue just before he passed away.....and as far as the constitution goes......he still remains a paid up member until the end of the calendar year..."
" This is an outrage......dead men can't make proxy votes "
" May be so....but Albert was alive when he made it.....and we should all respect a dead man's wishes.....even heartless bastards like you ...."
And so the evening went on with committee backed proposals going through on the support of these 18 proxy voters. This of course turned out to real triumph for the chairman Bigot-Johnson , a self-proclaimed deviant, shyster and scoundrel.
Thursday, 26 September 2013
NEWSFLASH : BIGOT-JOHNSON TAKES OVER ANOTHER BRIDGE CLUB RENAMING IT "THE 666 SHENANIGANS BC ".......
( We , mentioning no names for fear of pending lawsuits , have uncovered the initial constitution of The 666 Shenanigans BC , which can be seen below. )
Article 1. Name
The name of this unincorporated association shall be The 666 Shenanigans Bridge Club , hereinafter referred to Shenanigans.
Article 2. Mission
Shenanigans shall be compromised of society's misfits , odd bods, undesirables , dodgy characters and reckless fun lovers with a warped desire and motivation to participate in a variety of covert , underhand and highly immoral activities including , but by no means limited to, the cheating, the bullying, and the coffee-housing that regularly goes on at the bridge tables.
Article 3. Membership
Shenanigans shall maintain a minimum of 12 members , of which one-third must have shady and rather dubious past lives. Membership however is therefore open to anyone, but those with credentials of dishonesty, deception and cunning are more than welcome. For a year's membership the cost is £30, but subsequent renewals will always be at the discretion of the executive committee. However, membership rights can only be obtained by an upfront payment of £4030, of which £4000 will be returned at the end of the year, providing sufficient funds are still left in club's bank account.
Article 4. Club rules
Shenanigans acknowledges and will abide by its own constitution rules , which at this present moment of time are being mulled over by the President-For-Life, Bigot-Johnson. Irrespective of what he posts on the notice board, the executive committee under his astute stewardship and direct leadership will be fully empowered to change the rules , simply at the drop of a hat or the whim of its esteemed leader.
Article 5 : Duties to be carried out by all executive members
( a ) to attend only the meetings they have been told to attend
( b ) to vote as instructed
( c ) to ratify retrospectively changes to rules introduced by the impetuous and power
crazed President
( d ) to honour the Oath of Allegiance , and to keep quiet about all secret back-handers
( e ) to submit to the President all the names and addresses of family and friends
( f ) to pay lip service to the bogus constitution that will stay posted on the notice board
( g ) to assist in the compilation of sterile, highly sanitised minutes of the meetings , which will be either full of inventive crap of a bland , meaningless , and harmless nature , or non-incriminating facts and figures.
Article 6 : Duties of the President
( a ) to obtain and maintain total control of all the club's financial affairs
( b ) to further develop and enhance nepotism and despotism within the club
( c ) to bring gambling and rubber bridge back to the forefront of card playing activities
( d ) to collaborate and link up with The Slaughter House BC for major functions , shindigs ,
parties , orgies and satanic rituals
( e ) to organise expensive bridge holidays for himself, his family and selected members of
the executive committee
( f ) to install surveillance cameras and gadgets in all parts of the club premises
( g ) to be responsible for implementing all cover-ups , and for ensuring that all
incriminating evidence is destroyed before any law enforcement agencies starts asking
awkward questions
( h ) to keep ordinary members , and all nosey, interferingy outsiders , completely in the dark
Article 7 : Executive elections
Except for the President all executive positions will be up for re-election after each year in office. These elections will take place on an unadvertised day , when those expected to turn up will be invitees , family, friends and/or easily bribed voters. Proxy voting may be allowed in certain emergency situations to avoid the risk of an undesirable outcome.
Article 8 : Meetings
These will be held in secret , usually by the chosen few who happen to meet up in dark corridors and corners. A meeting quorum need only consist of two executive officers , one of which must be the President , or someone acting as his mule.
Article 9 : Amendments
This constitution will make do as the loose operating basis of Shenanigans. No amendment can be carried out , unless it has the President's approval. In cases where the President himself rings the changes, no initial reference to the executive committee or the membership is needed.
Article 10 : Dissolution
The Club automatically ceases to exist the moment the roof caves in , and the President is in flight , being compelled to change his identity and go underground. Members need not concern themselves about recovery of subscription money , or any proprietary financial interests they may have in the assets of the club , since these will have all been swiftly transferred into one of the President's many secret off-shore accounts.
( We , mentioning no names for fear of pending lawsuits , have uncovered the initial constitution of The 666 Shenanigans BC , which can be seen below. )
Article 1. Name
The name of this unincorporated association shall be The 666 Shenanigans Bridge Club , hereinafter referred to Shenanigans.
Article 2. Mission
Shenanigans shall be compromised of society's misfits , odd bods, undesirables , dodgy characters and reckless fun lovers with a warped desire and motivation to participate in a variety of covert , underhand and highly immoral activities including , but by no means limited to, the cheating, the bullying, and the coffee-housing that regularly goes on at the bridge tables.
Article 3. Membership
Shenanigans shall maintain a minimum of 12 members , of which one-third must have shady and rather dubious past lives. Membership however is therefore open to anyone, but those with credentials of dishonesty, deception and cunning are more than welcome. For a year's membership the cost is £30, but subsequent renewals will always be at the discretion of the executive committee. However, membership rights can only be obtained by an upfront payment of £4030, of which £4000 will be returned at the end of the year, providing sufficient funds are still left in club's bank account.
Article 4. Club rules
Shenanigans acknowledges and will abide by its own constitution rules , which at this present moment of time are being mulled over by the President-For-Life, Bigot-Johnson. Irrespective of what he posts on the notice board, the executive committee under his astute stewardship and direct leadership will be fully empowered to change the rules , simply at the drop of a hat or the whim of its esteemed leader.
Article 5 : Duties to be carried out by all executive members
( a ) to attend only the meetings they have been told to attend
( b ) to vote as instructed
( c ) to ratify retrospectively changes to rules introduced by the impetuous and power
crazed President
( d ) to honour the Oath of Allegiance , and to keep quiet about all secret back-handers
( e ) to submit to the President all the names and addresses of family and friends
( f ) to pay lip service to the bogus constitution that will stay posted on the notice board
( g ) to assist in the compilation of sterile, highly sanitised minutes of the meetings , which will be either full of inventive crap of a bland , meaningless , and harmless nature , or non-incriminating facts and figures.
Article 6 : Duties of the President
( a ) to obtain and maintain total control of all the club's financial affairs
( b ) to further develop and enhance nepotism and despotism within the club
( c ) to bring gambling and rubber bridge back to the forefront of card playing activities
( d ) to collaborate and link up with The Slaughter House BC for major functions , shindigs ,
parties , orgies and satanic rituals
( e ) to organise expensive bridge holidays for himself, his family and selected members of
the executive committee
( f ) to install surveillance cameras and gadgets in all parts of the club premises
( g ) to be responsible for implementing all cover-ups , and for ensuring that all
incriminating evidence is destroyed before any law enforcement agencies starts asking
awkward questions
( h ) to keep ordinary members , and all nosey, interferingy outsiders , completely in the dark
Article 7 : Executive elections
Except for the President all executive positions will be up for re-election after each year in office. These elections will take place on an unadvertised day , when those expected to turn up will be invitees , family, friends and/or easily bribed voters. Proxy voting may be allowed in certain emergency situations to avoid the risk of an undesirable outcome.
Article 8 : Meetings
These will be held in secret , usually by the chosen few who happen to meet up in dark corridors and corners. A meeting quorum need only consist of two executive officers , one of which must be the President , or someone acting as his mule.
Article 9 : Amendments
This constitution will make do as the loose operating basis of Shenanigans. No amendment can be carried out , unless it has the President's approval. In cases where the President himself rings the changes, no initial reference to the executive committee or the membership is needed.
Article 10 : Dissolution
The Club automatically ceases to exist the moment the roof caves in , and the President is in flight , being compelled to change his identity and go underground. Members need not concern themselves about recovery of subscription money , or any proprietary financial interests they may have in the assets of the club , since these will have all been swiftly transferred into one of the President's many secret off-shore accounts.
Monday, 23 September 2013
LAW REPORT : PANTOPOD v. WALNUT TREE ALLOTMENT SOCIETY BC & BIGOT-JOHNSON ( 2013 )
Lady Prunella Pantopod had sued the bridge club and the co-defendant for substantial damages , having been hit on the head by a weighty flying projectile. This injury caused partial but permanent hearing loss on her left side. The villain in this incident was none other than Bigot-Johnson , who was required to pay 70% of the £200,000 damages award , while the other 30% had to be met by the club. Both defendants appealed , denying liability and arguing contributory negligence due to Prunella's failure to duck. Furthermore , Bigot submitted that if both defendants were liable , then the club should bear a greater proportion of the liability. A short extract from the trial's transcript can be seen below .
Appeal Judge ( AP ) : Normally...this court would not interfere with the apportionment of damages awarded by the judge at first instance.....but in this case I'm prepared to do just that....
B-J : Praise be The Lord !
AP : Yes....I am concerned about the correctness of the judge's apportionment , the basis of which he had not explained...
B-J : Yes....Yes...the man was a complete numpty
AP : In my opinion he had not taken into account the significant fact about the warlike practices which certain undesirable members of the club loved to engage in....
B-J : You mean throwing heavy objects at members who get up people's noses
AP : Indeed....for years this club has been blighted by thuggish members such as yourself....but has for far too long turned a blind eye to your outrageous tantrums and vicious attacks. Although the majority of law abiding members remained vigilant and alert at all times , new and inexperienced members were always likely to be caught unawares. Moreover, the risk of such an injury was always that much greater when these poor unsuspecting souls sat down at the table where you were playing. It seems clear to me that the club were fully aware of the potential danger you posed to others , especially when results weren't going your way...
B-J : Yes....yes....yes....that night opponents were turning me over board after board..... I was ticking time bomb ready to explode
AP : The fact that the club took no measures to warn unsuspecting players was without doubt a significant oversight by them.....and this failing was of a different magnitude from your failing to control your temper
B-J : Absolutely.....I couldn't agree with you more...
AP : So while you , Bigot , such a vile , vulgar and violent man .....the likes I've have never come across before....was clearly in the wrong , the lion's share of the blame should rest with the club
B-J : Too bloody right....
AP : I would say a revised ratio of about 80 % to 20%.... in your favour.... would be far more appropriate
B-J : Hold on a mo .......can that 20% be reduced to zero on account of that Prunella's contributory negligence.....the stupid woman didn't even bother to duck
AP : NO .... because she was hit from behind....
B-J : So she was....
AP : And the message for all clubs is clear. If dangerous practices are allowed to continue, then warnings are essential, and that all players need to be made aware of the risks. Therefore, members of the managing committees need to carry out immediate and urgent risk assessments, together with the erection of warning signs, and the issuing of safety helmets. This way the future risks can be minimised.....
B-J : Hold on a minute...such intrusions might cause members to panic unnecessarily, or look insanely ridiculous
AP : No more ridiculous than you look wearing that silly mariner's outfit and sporting that grotesque black moustache
B-J : Oh......
AP : And on a final note ....what this case hopes to establish more than anything else is to broadcast the fact that the primary function of all clubs and their committees is to develop policies which sustain the long term future of the club . My decision follows a recent precedent set down in the case of Phee v. Gordon (2013). Clubs should not put at risk the club's future by recklessly disregarding their responsibilities , especially if six-figure claims can be envisaged. This might well result in them not being able to maintain their financial viability, which will in turn lead to their total collapse, or burdening all their members with sizeable liabilities......
B-J : Can we go home now.....you sanctimonious old git.....
Lady Prunella Pantopod had sued the bridge club and the co-defendant for substantial damages , having been hit on the head by a weighty flying projectile. This injury caused partial but permanent hearing loss on her left side. The villain in this incident was none other than Bigot-Johnson , who was required to pay 70% of the £200,000 damages award , while the other 30% had to be met by the club. Both defendants appealed , denying liability and arguing contributory negligence due to Prunella's failure to duck. Furthermore , Bigot submitted that if both defendants were liable , then the club should bear a greater proportion of the liability. A short extract from the trial's transcript can be seen below .
Appeal Judge ( AP ) : Normally...this court would not interfere with the apportionment of damages awarded by the judge at first instance.....but in this case I'm prepared to do just that....
B-J : Praise be The Lord !
AP : Yes....I am concerned about the correctness of the judge's apportionment , the basis of which he had not explained...
B-J : Yes....Yes...the man was a complete numpty
AP : In my opinion he had not taken into account the significant fact about the warlike practices which certain undesirable members of the club loved to engage in....
B-J : You mean throwing heavy objects at members who get up people's noses
AP : Indeed....for years this club has been blighted by thuggish members such as yourself....but has for far too long turned a blind eye to your outrageous tantrums and vicious attacks. Although the majority of law abiding members remained vigilant and alert at all times , new and inexperienced members were always likely to be caught unawares. Moreover, the risk of such an injury was always that much greater when these poor unsuspecting souls sat down at the table where you were playing. It seems clear to me that the club were fully aware of the potential danger you posed to others , especially when results weren't going your way...
B-J : Yes....yes....yes....that night opponents were turning me over board after board..... I was ticking time bomb ready to explode
AP : The fact that the club took no measures to warn unsuspecting players was without doubt a significant oversight by them.....and this failing was of a different magnitude from your failing to control your temper
B-J : Absolutely.....I couldn't agree with you more...
AP : So while you , Bigot , such a vile , vulgar and violent man .....the likes I've have never come across before....was clearly in the wrong , the lion's share of the blame should rest with the club
B-J : Too bloody right....
AP : I would say a revised ratio of about 80 % to 20%.... in your favour.... would be far more appropriate
B-J : Hold on a mo .......can that 20% be reduced to zero on account of that Prunella's contributory negligence.....the stupid woman didn't even bother to duck
AP : NO .... because she was hit from behind....
B-J : So she was....
AP : And the message for all clubs is clear. If dangerous practices are allowed to continue, then warnings are essential, and that all players need to be made aware of the risks. Therefore, members of the managing committees need to carry out immediate and urgent risk assessments, together with the erection of warning signs, and the issuing of safety helmets. This way the future risks can be minimised.....
B-J : Hold on a minute...such intrusions might cause members to panic unnecessarily, or look insanely ridiculous
AP : No more ridiculous than you look wearing that silly mariner's outfit and sporting that grotesque black moustache
B-J : Oh......
AP : And on a final note ....what this case hopes to establish more than anything else is to broadcast the fact that the primary function of all clubs and their committees is to develop policies which sustain the long term future of the club . My decision follows a recent precedent set down in the case of Phee v. Gordon (2013). Clubs should not put at risk the club's future by recklessly disregarding their responsibilities , especially if six-figure claims can be envisaged. This might well result in them not being able to maintain their financial viability, which will in turn lead to their total collapse, or burdening all their members with sizeable liabilities......
B-J : Can we go home now.....you sanctimonious old git.....
Sunday, 22 September 2013
COULD I HAVE DONE BETTER ? ........( Article by Bridgemeister Gibson )
After a short bidding sequence of 1NT-3NT, I received a passive opening 9D lead from a disconsolate looking East . Thankful that my one heart stopper was still intact , I proceeded to rattle off seven more tricks in the minors. West soon started to look miffed when forced to make 3 discards, these being J109 of hearts. East parted with one one heart and a spade , while I also pitched a losing heart.
This left me with A75-Ax in dummy , opposite my Jxx...xx in the majors. Sensing that the heart situation was now a doubleton all round , I cashed my Ace and exited with a small heart taken by West. Calmly and without a flicker of emotion he played the Queen of spades , which I took in dummy with the Ace. At trick 12, I played a small spade towards my J9 and yet again West smooth as you like played low. I unfortunately decided to play the 9 losing to East's 10. So with another spade loser to come , I ended up with 10 tricks for a flat board.
But could I have done better ? The answer must surely be " yes ". All the clues were there.
Why would West come down to the bare KQ of hearts unless he wasn't desperate to preserve his spade holding ?
No sensible East lead a passive diamond if he had 4 spades to an honour ?
Would West , an experienced grandmaster lead an unsupported queen of spades ? And knowing that he didn't possess the Jack , then surely there was a strong inference he must be holding the King ?
Moreover , if West did hold the KQ of spades then leading the King would be too much of a dead giveaway.......so unlikely given he is a canny player ?
When adding up all these factors, I should have risen with the Jack at trick 12 to secure 11 tricks and a galactic stop. By opening a frisky no trump I had created for myself a wonderful opportunity to beat the field , only to throw it away away....... and beat myself up instead.
Yes, welcome to the bizarre and cruel world of bridge.....
( The full hand can be seen opposite )
After a short bidding sequence of 1NT-3NT, I received a passive opening 9D lead from a disconsolate looking East . Thankful that my one heart stopper was still intact , I proceeded to rattle off seven more tricks in the minors. West soon started to look miffed when forced to make 3 discards, these being J109 of hearts. East parted with one one heart and a spade , while I also pitched a losing heart.
This left me with A75-Ax in dummy , opposite my Jxx...xx in the majors. Sensing that the heart situation was now a doubleton all round , I cashed my Ace and exited with a small heart taken by West. Calmly and without a flicker of emotion he played the Queen of spades , which I took in dummy with the Ace. At trick 12, I played a small spade towards my J9 and yet again West smooth as you like played low. I unfortunately decided to play the 9 losing to East's 10. So with another spade loser to come , I ended up with 10 tricks for a flat board.
But could I have done better ? The answer must surely be " yes ". All the clues were there.
Why would West come down to the bare KQ of hearts unless he wasn't desperate to preserve his spade holding ?
No sensible East lead a passive diamond if he had 4 spades to an honour ?
Would West , an experienced grandmaster lead an unsupported queen of spades ? And knowing that he didn't possess the Jack , then surely there was a strong inference he must be holding the King ?
Moreover , if West did hold the KQ of spades then leading the King would be too much of a dead giveaway.......so unlikely given he is a canny player ?When adding up all these factors, I should have risen with the Jack at trick 12 to secure 11 tricks and a galactic stop. By opening a frisky no trump I had created for myself a wonderful opportunity to beat the field , only to throw it away away....... and beat myself up instead.
Yes, welcome to the bizarre and cruel world of bridge.....
( The full hand can be seen opposite )
Saturday, 21 September 2013
A VERY NEARLY TRUE STORY......by Bridgemeister Gibson
The other day I had to enter a 2H+3 onto the score sheet for an absolute bottom. I held AK10xx....J9xxx......x.....Ax..... and so I opened 1S.
Partner with his xx....AKQ10......xx....J109xx..... responded 2C , only to hear a 2H bid from me.
Without too much thought he decided to pass .
In the play both the hearts and spades behaved, and so making 11 tricks proved a mere formality.
After the last trick had been taken , I asked him why he had decided to pass 2 hearts. " I thought you might only have a 4 card heart suit....and my 10 count was poor .... " came the limp reply.
" Oh ", I said " .....Perhaps you're right.....may be your heart suit wasn't quite good enough to show me support ! "
( Footnote : Despite that aberration we had an excellent night, and our 64% score secured us a well deserved trophy-grabbing win. )
The other day I had to enter a 2H+3 onto the score sheet for an absolute bottom. I held AK10xx....J9xxx......x.....Ax..... and so I opened 1S.
Partner with his xx....AKQ10......xx....J109xx..... responded 2C , only to hear a 2H bid from me.
Without too much thought he decided to pass .
In the play both the hearts and spades behaved, and so making 11 tricks proved a mere formality.
After the last trick had been taken , I asked him why he had decided to pass 2 hearts. " I thought you might only have a 4 card heart suit....and my 10 count was poor .... " came the limp reply.
" Oh ", I said " .....Perhaps you're right.....may be your heart suit wasn't quite good enough to show me support ! "
( Footnote : Despite that aberration we had an excellent night, and our 64% score secured us a well deserved trophy-grabbing win. )
Friday, 20 September 2013
DEFINING AN EXPERT........( Reflections by Professor Hu Chi Ku Chi )
What really separates expert bridge players from the triers, wannabes , charlatans , mediocrity and riff raff often comes down to just one thing. Experts don't always know what to do.... but you can bet your shirt on the fact that they know exactly what not to do.
Winning bridge is all about minimising your mistakes to such an extent that the opponents are never gifted a thing. World class experts are capable of avoiding even the smallest of errors, which in turn enhances their chances of securing a flat board at worse and an above average board at best. Indeed, I once asked a supremely talented player what lead he would make against a small slam , based on the bidding and a hand containing a motley collection of HCP's. His answer started off with " Well, I wouldn't lead this suit " .....and he eventually finished with "...and I wouldn't lead that card either ".
Naturally, I asked him " Well , what card would you lead ? " to which his reply was " the only card left from the twelve I have just discounted "
And what's more he was right. This was the only card that gave the defence any chance to defeat the contract, simply by creating an opportunity for declarer to go wrong.
What really separates expert bridge players from the triers, wannabes , charlatans , mediocrity and riff raff often comes down to just one thing. Experts don't always know what to do.... but you can bet your shirt on the fact that they know exactly what not to do.
Winning bridge is all about minimising your mistakes to such an extent that the opponents are never gifted a thing. World class experts are capable of avoiding even the smallest of errors, which in turn enhances their chances of securing a flat board at worse and an above average board at best. Indeed, I once asked a supremely talented player what lead he would make against a small slam , based on the bidding and a hand containing a motley collection of HCP's. His answer started off with " Well, I wouldn't lead this suit " .....and he eventually finished with "...and I wouldn't lead that card either ".
Naturally, I asked him " Well , what card would you lead ? " to which his reply was " the only card left from the twelve I have just discounted "
And what's more he was right. This was the only card that gave the defence any chance to defeat the contract, simply by creating an opportunity for declarer to go wrong.
Wednesday, 18 September 2013
THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARY REVISITED.......
- Table altercation : a bitter argument often ending with sweet revenge
- Know all : a player who has not read a single bridge book or played at the highest level , but who will nevertheless feel qualified to instruct and guide learners. In the event that the instruction or advice backfires , all blame will be attached to the learner's incompetence .
- Non-playing captain : someone full of tactical advice but quick to deny any responsibility for the team's poor performance
- Lawyer : someone who tells each party to a dispute that he/she has a cast iron case
- Litigation : a lawyer-driven dispute initially brought on by the parties' mutual lack of common sense
- Justice : a perverse TD decision that happens to go in your favour
- TD : a clever euphemism for the person who many players would otherwise describe as " that officious , pro-elite , arse-licking sycophant "
- Plan : (a ) a carefully considered line of play which will be completely ignored or forgotten while attempting to make the contract, or ( b ) a brilliant and successful line of play which should have been adopted and followed , but for the fact it was only drawn up after the contract had gone down
Monday, 16 September 2013
DON'T COURT DISASTER : FORFEIT PRIDE AND AVOID THE FALL........ ( Article by Professor Hu Chi Ku Chi )
Any small club with limited assets and unlimited liability status should take always listen to this simple piece of advice : " don't court disaster ". Indeed, such words of wisdom have been embraced by many multi-million pound companies , which not only can afford the top notch lawyers , but they also have the financial resources to take a dispute all the way to the highest court in the land.
So I asked a friend of mine why his international hotel group paid out £4000 to a woman who slipped on a dance floor and broke her ankle , when she was wearing ridiculously high heels and was pissed as a newt. The answer , as he saw it , was based on common sense and good practice : " The company have a policy to always pay out on all minor claims . "
" Why was that ? " I asked, fully aware that contributory negligence on her part must surely be 80% or more. The reasons he gave me to support this seemingly defeatist policy produced both a convincing argument , and powerful justification , for such a generous pay out. For the hotel there would be massive savings with regards to :
1. Staff not wasting their time and effort on legal matters, such as gathering information , witness statements , holding countless meetings, preparing and reading documents generated by the never ending communication with solicitors
2. No lawyers' fees to pay out
3. No court costs involved
4. No likelihood of being required to fork out a higher damages award
5. No adverse publicity, which might well undermine the company's future revenue prospects
Once the claim comes in , no matter how spurious , contentious or unjust , common sense and financial prudence screams out to implement a damage limitation strategy. This in turn means no attempt to contest the claim , but to make an immediate generous offer and pay over the money.
So yes , if any small organisation wants to throw itself off the cliff edge into the sea of financial ruin then by all means go ahead have your day in court.......
Any small club with limited assets and unlimited liability status should take always listen to this simple piece of advice : " don't court disaster ". Indeed, such words of wisdom have been embraced by many multi-million pound companies , which not only can afford the top notch lawyers , but they also have the financial resources to take a dispute all the way to the highest court in the land.
So I asked a friend of mine why his international hotel group paid out £4000 to a woman who slipped on a dance floor and broke her ankle , when she was wearing ridiculously high heels and was pissed as a newt. The answer , as he saw it , was based on common sense and good practice : " The company have a policy to always pay out on all minor claims . "
" Why was that ? " I asked, fully aware that contributory negligence on her part must surely be 80% or more. The reasons he gave me to support this seemingly defeatist policy produced both a convincing argument , and powerful justification , for such a generous pay out. For the hotel there would be massive savings with regards to :
1. Staff not wasting their time and effort on legal matters, such as gathering information , witness statements , holding countless meetings, preparing and reading documents generated by the never ending communication with solicitors
2. No lawyers' fees to pay out
3. No court costs involved
4. No likelihood of being required to fork out a higher damages award
5. No adverse publicity, which might well undermine the company's future revenue prospects
Once the claim comes in , no matter how spurious , contentious or unjust , common sense and financial prudence screams out to implement a damage limitation strategy. This in turn means no attempt to contest the claim , but to make an immediate generous offer and pay over the money.
So yes , if any small organisation wants to throw itself off the cliff edge into the sea of financial ruin then by all means go ahead have your day in court.......
Friday, 13 September 2013
THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARY REVISITED........
- Tactical bid : a polite name for a nasty , filthy psych
- Optimist : a player who has yet to experience the harsh reality of competitive bridge
- Advice : unsolicited words of wisdom offered by those who clearly need them the most
- Ability : what is needed to secure your place in the national team unless of course those mega rich sponsors get there first
- Bridge : a game viewed by the uninitiated as boredom made complicated
- Credit : what most players try to take in post-match discussions , despite the fact it was their partners who pulled off all the successful coups
- Vague bid : one which is , erm , hard to put a finger on on , or define , sort of , well , a rather wishy washy call , one which you might spot when you see it
- Experience : the ability to recognise a mistake when you make it again
- Pushing the opponents : a highly recommended practice should you catch the smug bastards gloating over their success at the top of the stairs
- Flyer : ( a ) a wild , speculative bid, or (b) a term given to a fast moving airborne bridgemate
Thursday, 12 September 2013
THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARY REVISITED.......
- Sponsor : someone who quickly realizes that having buckets loads of money gets you many more selection opportunities than having real ability and talent
- Committee room : a place where the buck rarely ever stops
- Errant partner : a player who represents the death of all hope
- Hog : ( a ) when partnering such a person you're in for a pig of a time , ( b ) a swinishly selfish or bourishly reckless player who insists on being declarer
- Common sense : practical wisdom and understanding , an attribute exceedingly uncommon within the bridge playing fraternity
- Dossier : a record of a player's misconduct in which the content is a mixture of both truth and fiction
- Unbelievable : a word often used by declarer whenever a suit breaks badly for him
- Happiness : a pleasant , hugely satisfying feeling experienced by players when heaping misery upon their hapless opponents
- Expert : someone who tells you a simple thing in a highly complex way
- Sign off : a bid often used by those who have got tired of thinking
Monday, 9 September 2013
LAW REPORT : R v.BIGOT-JOHNSON ( 2013 )
( Once again Bigot-Johnson found himself on the wrong side of the law when he was brought before a Crown Court judge for an offence under The Sexual Offences Act 2003 , namely soliciting. A short extract from the trial's transcript can be seen below. )
Prosecution counsel ( PC ) : Do I take it Bigot that you recently sponsored a top class player...... in a desperate attempt to win a prestigious pairs trophy at the Walnut Allotment Society bridge club
B-J : Yes....but what is wrong with that......morally reprehensible may be.....but never a crime
PC : Well , we will let the court rule on that distinction
B-J : But this soliciting charge is utterly preposterous !
PC : Tell me Bigot ....is it to correct to say that you hired the services of this expert player on more than one occasion ?
B-J : Yes
PC : And payment to this gentleman for his services could be equated say to paying rent for the use of a car ?
B-J : I suppose so ...
PC : So you are happy to say that you paid rent for his services ?
B-J : Yes
PC : And how old is this person ?
B-J : Fifteen....in fact he's the youngest grandmaster in Britain today.....and a junior world champion in the making
PC : But in legal terms he is still a boy ?
B-J : Of course....he's only just started his GCSEs at school
PC : So to put all this in a nut shell you rent the services of a boy
B-J : Yes
PC : For your personal satisfaction and gain ?
B-J : Yes...
PC : And you solicited the services of this rent boy in a public place
B-J : Yes
Judge : Disgusting !.....I heard enough....I'm going to direct the jury to find you guilty as charged
B-J : Well, I'll be buggered
Judge : The very same words I noticed... used by the boy in his witness statement
( Once again Bigot-Johnson found himself on the wrong side of the law when he was brought before a Crown Court judge for an offence under The Sexual Offences Act 2003 , namely soliciting. A short extract from the trial's transcript can be seen below. )
Prosecution counsel ( PC ) : Do I take it Bigot that you recently sponsored a top class player...... in a desperate attempt to win a prestigious pairs trophy at the Walnut Allotment Society bridge club
B-J : Yes....but what is wrong with that......morally reprehensible may be.....but never a crime
PC : Well , we will let the court rule on that distinction
B-J : But this soliciting charge is utterly preposterous !
PC : Tell me Bigot ....is it to correct to say that you hired the services of this expert player on more than one occasion ?
B-J : Yes
PC : And payment to this gentleman for his services could be equated say to paying rent for the use of a car ?
B-J : I suppose so ...
PC : So you are happy to say that you paid rent for his services ?
B-J : Yes
PC : And how old is this person ?
B-J : Fifteen....in fact he's the youngest grandmaster in Britain today.....and a junior world champion in the making
PC : But in legal terms he is still a boy ?
B-J : Of course....he's only just started his GCSEs at school
PC : So to put all this in a nut shell you rent the services of a boy
B-J : Yes
PC : For your personal satisfaction and gain ?
B-J : Yes...
PC : And you solicited the services of this rent boy in a public place
B-J : Yes
Judge : Disgusting !.....I heard enough....I'm going to direct the jury to find you guilty as charged
B-J : Well, I'll be buggered
Judge : The very same words I noticed... used by the boy in his witness statement
Sunday, 8 September 2013
BRIDGE BOOKS WHICH HAVE MADE GROWN MEN CRY WITH JOY......( admits a tearful Pun )
- My Lady Partner Is Forever Nagging At Me..................................Bess Lever
- So What Happened To You After Having Muffed That Slam ?.......Ed Bittenhoff
- Not Content With Taking Her Money To Be In His Team.............Andy Hadder
- Bridge Can Plunge Any Player Into The Pit Of Despair...............Ben Therall-Wright
- My Partner Spends Most Of His Time In Dreamland...................Ellis Dee
- That Cheating Woman Ought To Be Shot.....................................Martha Fukker
- He's Very Frisky When It Comes To Female Partners ...............Hans Downer-Brarr
- To Find Out Who Holds That Missing Queen ?.............................Leanne Wellover
- What On Earth Attracts Him To Play With That Woman ?............Herbie Hind
- What The Latest Club Gossip Then ?.........................................Phyllis Zinn
Saturday, 7 September 2013
SHBC DISCIPLINARY HEARING No. 5717....
( This time Bigot-Johnson had a pantopod by his goolies with complaints coming in about his alleged but as yet unproven cheating ways. )
B-J : We've got you banged to rights this time Panto.....with at least a dozen complaints all wittering on about your devious methods of passing on unauthorised information to your partner-in-crime , namely your wife
P : That's a load of bullshit.....the woman's so dim she can't understand or interpret even basic Acol bids....let alone coded messages !
B-J : Not so....she's extremely devious and cunning...... just like yourself
P : So what's your proof then that I am a cheat ? Where's your evidence ?
B-J : Only your recent results...... which now average 73% .....dramatically up from the 44% you were averaging in previous years
P : Well....we happen to be on a roll......can't do anything wrong
B-J : So explain to me how on one infamous board the whole field bid to 7NT on a combined 37 count.....down two......when strangely you and your wife stopped short in 3NT ?
P : A fortuitous bidding misunderstanding
B-J : Or perhaps a well-tuned ear to loose table talk from a nearby table !
P : Yes, these digital hearing aids of mine are awesome
B-J : But you're not hearing impaired
P : Yes....but they look good
B-J : Listen Panto we know you're cheating , and although we've gone to great lengths to video your behaviour at the table we failed to detect a pattern of behaviour , which would flag up what unauthorised signalling method you are using
P : Ah..... that's because you are making an incorrect assumption....
B-J : Alright then.....I'll do a deal.....tell me about your cheating system with a promise never to cheat again....and I'll let you off with just an apology in writing
P : OK....the system is foolproof if you are just focusing on discovering one particular method. The secret behind my success is that I use 26 methods which match the number of boards played in a duplicate session...... as well as the number of letters in the alphabet.
B-J : I'm intrigued.....
P : Well, let's suppose I'm playing board 13 .....then the key letter is M being the thirteenth one in the alphabet. This tells partner we are using mouth shaping signals. If for instance we are playing board 6....the letter F.....then finger signals will be used. Board 17.... the letter Q....requires us to use questions to convey particular information about our heads. Board 26 ....offers no problems either with Z.....because now the number of times we yawn or close our eyes gives oodles of vital information to partner
B-J : Panto.....that is sheer genius.....nobody would have been able to detect all that....Christ almighty....you should write a book on the subject
P : I already have ....in fact I've a copy with me inside my jacket pocket
B-J : May I have it ?
P : You certainly can....but it will set you back £30
B-J : No problem....here's the money
P : That's very decent of you....
B-J : And as much as this puts an end to the hearing......I'm afraid your admission of guilt has shocked us to the core...and therefore I have no option but to impose a life ban
P : But we had a deal !
B-J : I lied.....so kindly bugger off....and never set foot on these premises again
( This time Bigot-Johnson had a pantopod by his goolies with complaints coming in about his alleged but as yet unproven cheating ways. )
B-J : We've got you banged to rights this time Panto.....with at least a dozen complaints all wittering on about your devious methods of passing on unauthorised information to your partner-in-crime , namely your wife
P : That's a load of bullshit.....the woman's so dim she can't understand or interpret even basic Acol bids....let alone coded messages !
B-J : Not so....she's extremely devious and cunning...... just like yourself
P : So what's your proof then that I am a cheat ? Where's your evidence ?
B-J : Only your recent results...... which now average 73% .....dramatically up from the 44% you were averaging in previous years
P : Well....we happen to be on a roll......can't do anything wrong
B-J : So explain to me how on one infamous board the whole field bid to 7NT on a combined 37 count.....down two......when strangely you and your wife stopped short in 3NT ?
P : A fortuitous bidding misunderstanding
B-J : Or perhaps a well-tuned ear to loose table talk from a nearby table !
P : Yes, these digital hearing aids of mine are awesome
B-J : But you're not hearing impaired
P : Yes....but they look good
B-J : Listen Panto we know you're cheating , and although we've gone to great lengths to video your behaviour at the table we failed to detect a pattern of behaviour , which would flag up what unauthorised signalling method you are using
P : Ah..... that's because you are making an incorrect assumption....
B-J : Alright then.....I'll do a deal.....tell me about your cheating system with a promise never to cheat again....and I'll let you off with just an apology in writing
P : OK....the system is foolproof if you are just focusing on discovering one particular method. The secret behind my success is that I use 26 methods which match the number of boards played in a duplicate session...... as well as the number of letters in the alphabet.
B-J : I'm intrigued.....
P : Well, let's suppose I'm playing board 13 .....then the key letter is M being the thirteenth one in the alphabet. This tells partner we are using mouth shaping signals. If for instance we are playing board 6....the letter F.....then finger signals will be used. Board 17.... the letter Q....requires us to use questions to convey particular information about our heads. Board 26 ....offers no problems either with Z.....because now the number of times we yawn or close our eyes gives oodles of vital information to partner
B-J : Panto.....that is sheer genius.....nobody would have been able to detect all that....Christ almighty....you should write a book on the subject
P : I already have ....in fact I've a copy with me inside my jacket pocket
B-J : May I have it ?
P : You certainly can....but it will set you back £30
B-J : No problem....here's the money
P : That's very decent of you....
B-J : And as much as this puts an end to the hearing......I'm afraid your admission of guilt has shocked us to the core...and therefore I have no option but to impose a life ban
P : But we had a deal !
B-J : I lied.....so kindly bugger off....and never set foot on these premises again
Friday, 6 September 2013
AT LONG
LAST A
CHANCE
TO SEE
WHO BIGOT-
JOHNSON
REALLY IS
.......
.......
This is me , John Howard Gibson , just a few years ago when holding my grandson for the second time , as he lives unfortunately on the far side of the globe. Nearer to home .....about 500 yards away.... I have two gorgeous granddaughters who I see almost on a daily basis. I am a lucky man.
Born in 1948 in Grantham , Lincolnshire.....a place which was once voted the most boring English town....I had a happy but misspent childhood. Didn't achieve much at school and if the truth be known I didn't have that much success with girls either.
Nevertheless , through a work apprentice scheme I managed to do well on a business a studies course which thankfully opened up an opportunity to go to university. Seizing this with both hands I followed my girlfriend at the time to Sheffield to study law. Despite being a mature student I allowed my studies to take second place to a new and wonderful pastime.....BRIDGE.
Not surprisingly I ended up with a naff degree but an ability to play the game, and loads of happy memories.
Having got accustomed to term breaks and long holidays , teaching jobs naturally had a certain appeal. So further years of study were spent gaining a teaching certificate and a diploma in management studies , to aid my successfully application for a post at Chesterfield college of FE. Here I remained for 26 years before I took voluntary redundancy. As a dinosaur, maverick and cavalier my days at Chesterfield were always numbered once performance targets were introduced , along with all the required volumes of documented evidence. Bureaucracy gone mad !
Not long after starting work I married a wonderful woman called Pam, who I love as much today as I did 35 years ago. We had two children but fostered many others on a social services respite carer scheme.
My achievements as a bridge player are nearly all at the club trophy level , except for the odd success at regional tournaments, which I occasionally attended. Around 2006 I took up the post as the club's newsletter editor, but the degree of apathy within the membership forced me to produce most of the articles. This resulted in all my alter egos chipping in with contributions turning a very factual newsletter into something far more bizarre and satirical.
Eventually the club committee couldn't stomach it anymore, and censorship reared its ugly head. I resigned only to turn my attention and efforts to blogging, which I love doing immensely. There is a freedom in operating in cyber space where one's fantasies and imagination can run wild.
I regard myself as " very ordinary " and therefore riddled with faults and shortcomings, so often associated with men : lazy , impatient , inattentive , awkward, deceitful , selfish , lacking in empathy and single minded . On the plus side I regard myself as loving , loyal , reliable and inventive. I hate injustice and I constantly believe in compromise and reconciliation whenever disputes are on the agenda.
Thursday, 5 September 2013
LITTLE KNOWN FACTS ABOUT BRIDGE PLAYERS ( OR SHOULD I SAY SHOCKING )...... Research by Dr. Sigmund T. Schukelgruber
1. 49% of bridge players under the age of 40 would prefer to give up sex for a week than
miss a night of bridge
2. 86 % of male players are resistant to taking any advice on how to improve their game
3. 97 % of players react badly to losing
4. 40 % of older male players have lost the ability ( or know how ) to undo bras
5. 66 % of all male players have lost the art of conversation unless of course the topic is
about a bridge related matter
6. Only 0.005 % of all bridge players can actually play the game with real skill and ability
7. Of the 80% who cheat at bridge in one form or another , half remain oblivious to their
transgressions , while the rest hide from the truth through self-denial and/or self-
delusion
8. 92% of the membership expect their club to give them everything , but they are not
prepared in return to give anything back in return except for their paltry subscriptions
and table monies
9. Of the 5% who get actively involved in committee work, the vast majority vehemently
endorse the virtues of nepotism and despotism
10. 72 % of bridge players in England qualify for state pension
11. For the unfortunate few, 96 % of the time at the table involves them waiting for others to
figure out what to bid or which card to play next
12. Despite the vast differences in ability, 99.9% of all long standing bridge players either
view or define themselves as " experts "
13. During any review of a bad board 82% will always lay the blame firmly on their partners
14. A typical club player places around 40,000 cards onto the table each year, of which
80% he/she will be aimlessly following suit
15. 73 % of all rank and file members bid and play the cards out of force of habit as
opposed to intuitive thinking
16. Ask a male bridge player about which is his " best hand " and around 99% will wax
lyrical about a particular deal
1. 49% of bridge players under the age of 40 would prefer to give up sex for a week than
miss a night of bridge
2. 86 % of male players are resistant to taking any advice on how to improve their game
3. 97 % of players react badly to losing
4. 40 % of older male players have lost the ability ( or know how ) to undo bras
5. 66 % of all male players have lost the art of conversation unless of course the topic is
about a bridge related matter
6. Only 0.005 % of all bridge players can actually play the game with real skill and ability
7. Of the 80% who cheat at bridge in one form or another , half remain oblivious to their
transgressions , while the rest hide from the truth through self-denial and/or self-
delusion
8. 92% of the membership expect their club to give them everything , but they are not
prepared in return to give anything back in return except for their paltry subscriptions
and table monies
9. Of the 5% who get actively involved in committee work, the vast majority vehemently
endorse the virtues of nepotism and despotism
10. 72 % of bridge players in England qualify for state pension
11. For the unfortunate few, 96 % of the time at the table involves them waiting for others to
figure out what to bid or which card to play next
12. Despite the vast differences in ability, 99.9% of all long standing bridge players either
view or define themselves as " experts "
13. During any review of a bad board 82% will always lay the blame firmly on their partners
14. A typical club player places around 40,000 cards onto the table each year, of which
80% he/she will be aimlessly following suit
15. 73 % of all rank and file members bid and play the cards out of force of habit as
opposed to intuitive thinking
16. Ask a male bridge player about which is his " best hand " and around 99% will wax
lyrical about a particular deal
Tuesday, 3 September 2013
Monday, 2 September 2013
REASONS WHY VARIOUS PLAYERS HAVE BEEN BANNED FROM THE BENIGN BC ( USA ) IN RECENT MONTHS....... ( Research by Toxic Ted Bateman )
1. Calling in a rent boy as a " ringer " for the team
2. Listening to loose table talk to notch up an 80 % score , contrary to his status as " being
utterly useless at the game "
3. Losing control of the trump suit , his temper and then his bladder midway through a
prestigious pairs competition
4. Snitching to the ACBL regarding the committee's misuse of club funds with regards to
the costly matter of issuing every member with a 1000 page document on " appropriate
conduct and best behaviour at bridge "
5. Discovering that the " professional " sponsored to make up the team was in fact a call girl
6. Being seen at the bar purchasing an alcoholic drink when claiming to be a devout teetotaller
7. Emphasing the word " niggers " in a very loud voice to the shock and dismay of players in
close proximity ( despite the fact the context of the discussion was a book review of an
Agatha Christie novel )
8. Being unmasked as a 4th generation descendant of the man who first introduced " finger
signalling " to the game of bridge
9. Picking up a bridgemate without the permission of its registered keeper
10. Revealing to members a few hard truths about the committee's behind-the-scene
shenanigans
11. Telling a few " porkies " to members about what the committee might be getting up to
12. Saying nothing at all to anyone, which this overly proud and self-righteous committee
viewed " unresponsive and unhelpful " : behaviour obviously redefined as " conduct
unbecoming of an ordinary member "
1. Calling in a rent boy as a " ringer " for the team
2. Listening to loose table talk to notch up an 80 % score , contrary to his status as " being
utterly useless at the game "
3. Losing control of the trump suit , his temper and then his bladder midway through a
prestigious pairs competition
4. Snitching to the ACBL regarding the committee's misuse of club funds with regards to
the costly matter of issuing every member with a 1000 page document on " appropriate
conduct and best behaviour at bridge "
5. Discovering that the " professional " sponsored to make up the team was in fact a call girl
6. Being seen at the bar purchasing an alcoholic drink when claiming to be a devout teetotaller
7. Emphasing the word " niggers " in a very loud voice to the shock and dismay of players in
close proximity ( despite the fact the context of the discussion was a book review of an
Agatha Christie novel )
8. Being unmasked as a 4th generation descendant of the man who first introduced " finger
signalling " to the game of bridge
9. Picking up a bridgemate without the permission of its registered keeper
10. Revealing to members a few hard truths about the committee's behind-the-scene
shenanigans
11. Telling a few " porkies " to members about what the committee might be getting up to
12. Saying nothing at all to anyone, which this overly proud and self-righteous committee
viewed " unresponsive and unhelpful " : behaviour obviously redefined as " conduct
unbecoming of an ordinary member "