THE CARDINALS BC DISCIPLINARY HEARING No. 286 

( After an unbelievable year of success , Bigot-Johnson and his partner , Maynard Bigot-Johnson , scooped all the club trophies to the shock and dismay of all those who narrowly lose out. Following several allegations of cheating , the two Bigots were ordered to attend a disciplinary hearing. )

Chairman : Complaints have come in.....far too many to mention......about you two cheating in club competitions:
HBJ : That  sir...
MBJ : ...is an outrageous lie
Chairman : Well, let's face it........you're a scratch partnership formed last year ......being long-lost cousins re-united. Maynard clearly has much to learn about the game , and you Howard are certainly not rated as an expert. At best you two can only be described as rank outsiders when it comes to plundering silverware.
HBJ and MBJ ( in unision ) : Listen you toe-rage ......... we are blessed with an amazing understanding ......
Chairman : Aided by cheating 
HBJ : How dare you....
MBJ : ....we don't employ any kind of signal codes whatsoever....
HBJ : ...no devious card placement......hand movements
MBJ : .....no revealing facial expressions.....body gestures....
HBJ : .....no changes in tempo ...
HBJ and MBJ ( in unison ) : No....we just intuitively know what each other's bids mean and what cards to play in any given situation
Chairman : Hmmm...I'm not convinced
HBJ : We have a telepathic understanding.....
MBJ : .....yes , something we never believed was possible....
HBJ : ....yet.... as soon as we started playing we realised we were on....
MBJ :....the same wavelength....for we were able....
HBJ : ...to read one another's thoughts and secret wishes....indeed , whenever one of us looked at our cards...
MBJ : .....the other could see the image of that hand in their mind
Chairman : Well...that is cheating in my book
HBJ and MBJ ( in unison ) : Why ?  
Chairman : Because it gives you an unfair advantage
HBJ : Hold on a mo.....in any competition the winners are often those players blessed with special skills .....call them gifts if you like.....natural talents....which they are able to....
MBJ : ...profit by......For instance , many gifted players have devised convolted and complex bidding systems which only they can fully understand , putting seasoned players even more in the dark whenever their questions are answered......and has this talent been condemned as an unfair advantage ? Not at all....
HBJ : Moreover.... what about those other boffins who take up bridge , using their mathematical wizardry to compute all the odds and probabilities, required in play analysis.....
MBJ : ...to determine in nano seconds what is statistically the best line of play....or what is the most best way to handle one's combined suit holding, in order to obtain the maximum number of tricks in that suit. Is this innate ability seen as an unfair advantage ?.....I think not
HBJ : And then we come onto players who have an uncanny knack of reading the cards.....almost as though...
MBJ : ..........they can see through the back of them.....
HBJ : ....So does this intuitive gift mean they profit from an unfair advantage ?   No way...
MBJ : And finally , we must look at those players who have that remarkable ability , many of us refer to as " table presence " . These buggers can sniff out any missing queens , stiff off-side kings , the location of opponents' key cards and the precise length of their trump suit holdings. Does anyone...
HBJ : ......accuse them of having an unfair advantage when blessed with this gift. No !
They just have a natural talent to pick up all the nuances and behavioural clues to glean knowledge mere mortals have to make do without. 
Chairman : None of this compares with telepathy .....
HBJ : My God....are 8 foot basket ball players accused of being cheats by their natural height advantage ? 
MBJ : Are overly fat ice hockey goalies who completely block out the net with their massive bulk and size labelled cheats. I think not....it's all a load of......
HBJ : ......sour grapes
Chairman : I'm not listening to these spurious arguments......my decision has been made.......you're being stripped of your trophies...... and you're barred from partnering one other
HBJ and MBJ ( in unison ) : Well shag me with a rag man's trumpet