THE CARDINALS BRIDGE CLUB DISCIPLINARY HEARING No.4250

( Up before  a ruthless committee was Spooner Isham  facing numerous charges of using  foul and obscene language. Advised to keep quiet throughout the whole proceedings , he decided to have another member speak on his behalf. A short extract from the hearing's transcript appears below . )

Chairman ( C ) : What on God's earth are you doing here, Bigot?
B-J : I'm Spooner's legal representative ...
C : On what grounds ?
B-J : Self-incrimination .....it is obviously in his best interests if he shuts up and doesn't say a thing. You never know what is likely to pop out of his mouth
C : Well, since this is an open and shut case I don't suppose it matters a jot if you're conducting his defence........we've got dozens of complaints .....all corroborated by countless witnesses who are prepared to testify that Spooner used on several different occasions vulgar and obscene language .....upsetting many of our delicate and sensitive members....in what we consider to be a very social and friendly club
B-J : Spooner disputes that.......
C : First off..... there was the club's annual fancy dress dinner party ..... and just as several members arrived all dressed up as Robin Hood and his merry men , Spooner shouted across to one of them .....
B-J : " Hi Friar Tuck "..... or so I am led to believe.....
C : Sorry no.....something far more obscene....and later on that night when he was talking to a fellow member he was heard to say..... 
B-J : " I love Joe Blobbs ".....from what I've been told....
C : Well Bigot..... you have been told wrong....and as for what happened two months ago......the committtee and I are utterly appalled.......Spooner.... at the AGM...... stood up and asked if anyone had seen.....
B-J : " Betty Swollocks "......as I recall
C : That's not what I and many others heard ......his question was both rude and offensive....and not only that he referred to our secretary..... the Reverend ..... a man of the cloth, as .....
B-J : " My Dear old Queen "......
C : No ....something far more offensive...... and totally uncalled for....and what's more Spooner then stood up again and asked if anyone seen .....
B-J : " Ted Rodgers "......if my memory serves me well...
C :  No...it doesn't.... as you are well aware of the truth Bigot....because let's face it.....you are flogging a dead horse here.....Spooner is a foul mouthed member you needs to be banned forthwith
B-J : I've read all these letters of complaint .....and there is nothing wrong in calling an opponent a " smart feller "...
C : But he didn't .....he insulted the poor man in a very derogatory way...
B-J : And there was nothing untoward in wanting to play a game with  " Tex Soys " ......
C : That's not what he said.....
B-J : And this business about wanting to kiss a certain Mary Hinge under the mistletoe was just a harmless Christmas party request....
C : Bigot-Johnson .....you are only alluding to what Spooner intended to say.....and not what he actually said.....the man can't stop himself......he laces his comments and questions with all manner of crudity and obscenity .....and the committee have heard enough....the ban for life starts as of this moment
Spooner : Hold on....this hearing is a sham.....it's a set up ...it's nothing more than ...
B-J : A cunning stunt ?
Spooner : Almost exactly what I was going to say !