DID YOU KNOW THAT.........
Yes, this is a fact that will completely dispel a long held myth. A recent survey of bridge players indicated that the grumpiest group are men aged between 35 and 54. Not , as you might think , proper old codgers with arthritic joints and memories of when they could still count to thirteen.
Today's grumpy old bridge players are stuck between devil-may-care youth and past-all-caring geriatrics , whinging and whining about partners , TDs , dodgy opponents, cruel distributions and generally having a miserable time with the cards.
But did you know that when international comparisons were made , the British 35-54 year old bridge players came out top for being the biggest groaners and gripers , recording the highest scores on such criteria as sulkiness , irritability and bad-tempered behaviour. Therefore , anyone walking into an English bridge club for the very first time will very quickly realize that they entered the Land of The Grump.
DID YOU KNOW THAT.......( A new series of articles from Dr. John )
Did you know that recent statistics on bridge players confirm a most disturbing and shocking fact. One in four ( would you believe ) suffer from a serious mental disorder of which the major symptom is a burning desire to behave in a thoroughly disagreeable and nasty way.
So the next time you sit down at a bridge table and cast your eyes upon the other three players present , you need to take stock. If they all seem reasonably grounded , level-headed , and respectfully civil , then it's you !
Did you know that recent statistics on bridge players confirm a most disturbing and shocking fact. One in four ( would you believe ) suffer from a serious mental disorder of which the major symptom is a burning desire to behave in a thoroughly disagreeable and nasty way.
So the next time you sit down at a bridge table and cast your eyes upon the other three players present , you need to take stock. If they all seem reasonably grounded , level-headed , and respectfully civil , then it's you !
Thursday, 29 May 2014
SLAUGHTER HOUSE BRIDGE CLUB GUINNESS BOOK RECORD No.2......
The Longest Ever Bar Room Slanging match
In April 2010 Gordon " Gobby " Mycroft came down to the bar with his partner , Barney " Big Mouth " Proctor remonstrating about their shameful and embarrassing scorecard . Each was full of recriminations about the other over the horrendous bottoms , and well below average scores , they had racked up during the evening's debacle.
As the arguments and accusations descended into a tirade of venomous insults and unrepeatable aspersions , the slanging match went on for over an hour and 40 minutes inside the bar , and then for another four hours outside the club , before the police were finally called to restore peace and tranquillity to the neighbourhood.
In all over 4000 highly defamatory insults were exchanged , many of which deviated away from their shortcomings and failings at bridge , steering towards their sexual inadequacies, physical deformities and psychological disorders. Inevitably , their family , friends , and lifestyle habits also came under the spotlight for another avalanche of derisory snubs and mocking contempt. With every avenue of attack skilfully used , each had tried in vain to find ways of cutting the other down with barbed comments , insulting remarks and devastating accusations
The slanging match , of course , ended in an ignoble draw, two arrests and two hefty fines.
The Longest Ever Bar Room Slanging match
In April 2010 Gordon " Gobby " Mycroft came down to the bar with his partner , Barney " Big Mouth " Proctor remonstrating about their shameful and embarrassing scorecard . Each was full of recriminations about the other over the horrendous bottoms , and well below average scores , they had racked up during the evening's debacle.
As the arguments and accusations descended into a tirade of venomous insults and unrepeatable aspersions , the slanging match went on for over an hour and 40 minutes inside the bar , and then for another four hours outside the club , before the police were finally called to restore peace and tranquillity to the neighbourhood.
In all over 4000 highly defamatory insults were exchanged , many of which deviated away from their shortcomings and failings at bridge , steering towards their sexual inadequacies, physical deformities and psychological disorders. Inevitably , their family , friends , and lifestyle habits also came under the spotlight for another avalanche of derisory snubs and mocking contempt. With every avenue of attack skilfully used , each had tried in vain to find ways of cutting the other down with barbed comments , insulting remarks and devastating accusations
The slanging match , of course , ended in an ignoble draw, two arrests and two hefty fines.
Wednesday, 28 May 2014
ONE OF THE MANY GUINNESS BOOK RECORDS CURRENTLY HELD BY MEMBERS OF THE SLAUGHTER HOUSE BRIDGE CLUB...............
The Shortest Ever Partnership
On February 23rd 2007, Ivor " Short Fuse " Malone was obliged to partner the Thursday night stand-by , Tony " Quick Temper " Lewis , after being told that his regular partner had taken his own life hours earlier , having throwing himself off a bridge in front of a fast approaching high speed train.
With both players renown for their highly volatile and unforgiving nature , this ill-fated partnership was doomed from the start. It was , in the words of Chairman Bigot-Johnson , " a powder keg of raw emotion and simmering hostilities in the making ". With arguments quickly developing over what system card to play to and who should occupy the North seat , the pair split up before playing a single card. On the very first board both players elected not to bid on their respectable 11 point hands , and so a pass out was entered onto the score sheet . Inevitably they got into a raging argument about who was to blame for missing a two no trump contract . This was immediately followed by a second row over whether or not eight tricks could have been made on competent defence.
However , when Ivor went for the bridgemate with malicious intent , Tony immediately took evasive action by running off towards the exit door in a zig zag fashion. Once out of range , he turned round screaming " I'm damned if I'm playing another hand with you ....you bastard ! ". Seconds later he was gone never to be seen again.
The Shortest Ever Partnership
On February 23rd 2007, Ivor " Short Fuse " Malone was obliged to partner the Thursday night stand-by , Tony " Quick Temper " Lewis , after being told that his regular partner had taken his own life hours earlier , having throwing himself off a bridge in front of a fast approaching high speed train.
With both players renown for their highly volatile and unforgiving nature , this ill-fated partnership was doomed from the start. It was , in the words of Chairman Bigot-Johnson , " a powder keg of raw emotion and simmering hostilities in the making ". With arguments quickly developing over what system card to play to and who should occupy the North seat , the pair split up before playing a single card. On the very first board both players elected not to bid on their respectable 11 point hands , and so a pass out was entered onto the score sheet . Inevitably they got into a raging argument about who was to blame for missing a two no trump contract . This was immediately followed by a second row over whether or not eight tricks could have been made on competent defence.
However , when Ivor went for the bridgemate with malicious intent , Tony immediately took evasive action by running off towards the exit door in a zig zag fashion. Once out of range , he turned round screaming " I'm damned if I'm playing another hand with you ....you bastard ! ". Seconds later he was gone never to be seen again.
Sunday, 25 May 2014
WHAT A REALLY GOOD BRIDGE TEACHER NEEDS TO BE................... ( Based on an original work by of one of the world's greatest philosophers , Kahlil Gibran )
No doubt we all have views in this subject , on which on great deal of common ground can be found and agreed upon.
However , I firmly endorse the words of Kahlil Gibran , who believed that no bridge teacher can reveal to his/her students anything " but that which already lies half asleep in the dawning of their knowledge ", along with their innate feel for playing cards. A good teacher does not set to impart his knowledge and wisdom , but rather his enthusiasm and passion for the game.
Wisdom cannot be taught like algebraic equations , and so a good teacher will adopt the role of an inspirational guide , motivating students to go down the untrodden paths of understanding , which as it happens are mapped out in all the unexplored areas of their minds.
" The musician may sing to you of the rhythm which is in all space , but he cannot give you the ear which arrests the rhythm , nor the voice that echoes it ".
So yes , a really good teacher will inspire and help you to commence that journey , and be there at the side of the road to utter words of reassurance , comfort and encouragement. But how one uses , efficiently and effectively , the kit bag of tools he/she handed out at the start depends , of course , on which paths are chosen and far along each road a student is prepared to travel .
No doubt we all have views in this subject , on which on great deal of common ground can be found and agreed upon.
However , I firmly endorse the words of Kahlil Gibran , who believed that no bridge teacher can reveal to his/her students anything " but that which already lies half asleep in the dawning of their knowledge ", along with their innate feel for playing cards. A good teacher does not set to impart his knowledge and wisdom , but rather his enthusiasm and passion for the game.
Wisdom cannot be taught like algebraic equations , and so a good teacher will adopt the role of an inspirational guide , motivating students to go down the untrodden paths of understanding , which as it happens are mapped out in all the unexplored areas of their minds.
" The musician may sing to you of the rhythm which is in all space , but he cannot give you the ear which arrests the rhythm , nor the voice that echoes it ".
So yes , a really good teacher will inspire and help you to commence that journey , and be there at the side of the road to utter words of reassurance , comfort and encouragement. But how one uses , efficiently and effectively , the kit bag of tools he/she handed out at the start depends , of course , on which paths are chosen and far along each road a student is prepared to travel .
BRIDGE BOOKS CURRENTLY FLOODING THE MARKET BUT GREAT TO DROWN YOUR SORROWS IN......
( Recommended by Pun )
( Recommended by Pun )
- My Partner Has Got A Lot On Her Chest At This Moment..........May I. Feelham
- My Game Has Really Gone Off The Boil..................................Luke Warme
- Tell Me , Just How Good Is Your Partner Then ?........................Dizzy Shagwell
- As Chairman I'm The One Who Calls All The Shots Here............Paul N. Rank
- Anyone Who Is Prepared To Partner Him Deserves A Medal......George Cross
- I Hate Players Who Are Born Defeatists....................................Ken Knott-Duett
- The Only Way To Describe How The Slaughter House Is Run.....May Hemm
- We Weren't Just Beaten We Were Thoroughly Thrashed............Ariel Lickin
- He's Up Before A Disciplinary For Assaulting A Lady..................Didi Striker
- When We Were 40 Imps Down Partner Threw In The Towel.........Gavin E. Sulley
Saturday, 24 May 2014
Thursday, 22 May 2014
THE COMPLETE BRIDGE PLAYER......... ( Profile by Pun )
No way is it good enough to just have a bridge brain , possessing real flair and technique in the bidding and play of the cards. The complete bridge player needs to have many more strings attached to his/her bow. If competitive bridge arenas have become unforgiving battle fields , then those who enter the fray , with visions of conquering all , must do so possessing all these essential attributes :
1. Rhino thick skin capable of withstanding all manner of barbed comments and pointed
remarks
2. A sharp tongue of their own capable of cutting down anyone who is about to launch a
psychological attack
3. Ice cool composure in situations when pressure and stress would cause weaker men to
cave in
4. Unbending will power to suppress all those crippling, self-destructive doubts and
emotions which come from within
5. An iron fist capable of flooring any opponent
6. Nerves of steel
7. Hard nose attitude towards those who are less than ethical and honest
8. A brass neck capable of delivering impudence and cheek to regain that competitive edge
9. The Midas touch when tough calls and decisions have to be made
10. Silver tongue eloquence when smooth talking is the order of the day
11. Crystal clear thinking to accompany instant razor sharp analysis
12. A compiled list of golden rules on which future successes are guaranteed
No way is it good enough to just have a bridge brain , possessing real flair and technique in the bidding and play of the cards. The complete bridge player needs to have many more strings attached to his/her bow. If competitive bridge arenas have become unforgiving battle fields , then those who enter the fray , with visions of conquering all , must do so possessing all these essential attributes :
1. Rhino thick skin capable of withstanding all manner of barbed comments and pointed
remarks
2. A sharp tongue of their own capable of cutting down anyone who is about to launch a
psychological attack
3. Ice cool composure in situations when pressure and stress would cause weaker men to
cave in
4. Unbending will power to suppress all those crippling, self-destructive doubts and
emotions which come from within
5. An iron fist capable of flooring any opponent
6. Nerves of steel
7. Hard nose attitude towards those who are less than ethical and honest
8. A brass neck capable of delivering impudence and cheek to regain that competitive edge
9. The Midas touch when tough calls and decisions have to be made
10. Silver tongue eloquence when smooth talking is the order of the day
11. Crystal clear thinking to accompany instant razor sharp analysis
12. A compiled list of golden rules on which future successes are guaranteed
Tuesday, 20 May 2014
HOW TO SURVIVE IN A WORLD OF BRIDGE BULLIES AND NASTY PLAYERS.......( Article by Bigot-Johnson )
I don't believe in the Nanny State placing the responsibility of a player's mental welfare on the shoulders of altruistic minded committee members. Zero tolerance at the Slaughter House is a no-no. The onus is on all players to look after themselves. To man up. To stand their ground. To give as good as they get.
Mind you, I'm not without sympathy and concern for those who are numpties or new to the game , possessing delicate egos and wimpish character traits. I'm here to help them overcome all the flak and abuse which will surely come their way , by providing each and everyone with my special Bigot-Johnson's Survival Kit ( priced at a modest £100 ).
This essential kit consists of the following :
1. A small thin piece of hard wood to bite into prior to an apoplectic fit coming on
2. A muffle cushion to scream into confident in the knowledge that others will not be disturbed
3. Valium tablets to help calm down growing anxieties and stress-related symptoms
4. Heavy duty , metal capped , boots guaranteed to avoid injuries from those who love to step
on a few toes
5. Extremely strong pain killers should partner's relentless haranguing bring on severe and
persistent headaches
6. Ear plugs for when a rest is urgently needed from the relentless barrage of barbed
comments , spiteful remarks and nasty insults coming from partners and opponents alike
7. A face visor in case of any airborne attacks by flying bridgemates
8. A small pocket version of the Bible for spiritual comfort and inspiration to carry on against
all adversity
9. A whole load of lucky mascots and charms in the vain hope one or two might work
10. A large brown paper bag ( with pre-cut holes ) as improvised head-ware if wishing to
keep one's identity as " that idiot player " a well kept secret
I don't believe in the Nanny State placing the responsibility of a player's mental welfare on the shoulders of altruistic minded committee members. Zero tolerance at the Slaughter House is a no-no. The onus is on all players to look after themselves. To man up. To stand their ground. To give as good as they get.
Mind you, I'm not without sympathy and concern for those who are numpties or new to the game , possessing delicate egos and wimpish character traits. I'm here to help them overcome all the flak and abuse which will surely come their way , by providing each and everyone with my special Bigot-Johnson's Survival Kit ( priced at a modest £100 ).
This essential kit consists of the following :
1. A small thin piece of hard wood to bite into prior to an apoplectic fit coming on
2. A muffle cushion to scream into confident in the knowledge that others will not be disturbed
3. Valium tablets to help calm down growing anxieties and stress-related symptoms
4. Heavy duty , metal capped , boots guaranteed to avoid injuries from those who love to step
on a few toes
5. Extremely strong pain killers should partner's relentless haranguing bring on severe and
persistent headaches
6. Ear plugs for when a rest is urgently needed from the relentless barrage of barbed
comments , spiteful remarks and nasty insults coming from partners and opponents alike
7. A face visor in case of any airborne attacks by flying bridgemates
8. A small pocket version of the Bible for spiritual comfort and inspiration to carry on against
all adversity
9. A whole load of lucky mascots and charms in the vain hope one or two might work
10. A large brown paper bag ( with pre-cut holes ) as improvised head-ware if wishing to
keep one's identity as " that idiot player " a well kept secret
Monday, 19 May 2014
JOHNNY TELLS BIGOT TO GET BACK TO BASICS
When it comes to defending slams , always be prepared to find yourself the victim of a squeeze. This hand proved to be a tale of woe for the impulsive and reckless Bigot.
After West opened the bidding with a pre-emptive 3H South still finished up bidding 6NT. Bigot ( East ) held a slam breaking A1097.....98.....J1096 ...962
Not surprisingly partner's opening lead was the queen of hearts, which Johnny Supremo as declarer won with the king. At trick two the spade switch went to dummy's jack , which Bigot pounced upon with the Ace. Slam made : no problem.
Johnny won the heart return, and cashed four top clubs, on which poor Bigot had to find a discard from either his spade or diamond suit. Whatever choice he made declarer was home making 2H, 4C, 4D and 2S.... or 2H, 4C, 3D, and 3S. Because Johnny had rectified the count Bigot was unable to protect both these suits.
The living legend turned to Bigot and said " That defence of yours was not so much heavy handed but naive. You really must get back to the basics of this game ".
" Listen up you smart arse......I assumed......quite rightly in my opinion..... that partner must have an outside honour to go with his 7 card heart suit.....therefore it seemed right to clear the heart suit.....but that brainless idiot was bidding on filth again ".
Johnny smiled. "There was no need whatsoever to rely on partner. If he has a quick trick in either clubs or diamonds he would surely make that in the fullness of time. Your first requirement was to stop declarer rectifying the count , by ducking the first two rounds of spades , if only to protect yourself from being squeezed. Declarer can only come to 11 tricks. This means you didn't need the minor miracle of partner winning a trick to beat the slam. "
As Bigot walked away to ask the bar steward for the muffle cushion , everyone could hear the same word being repeated over and over again.
" Bugger....bugger.....bugger.....bugger.....bugger..... "
The full hand was :
When it comes to defending slams , always be prepared to find yourself the victim of a squeeze. This hand proved to be a tale of woe for the impulsive and reckless Bigot.
After West opened the bidding with a pre-emptive 3H South still finished up bidding 6NT. Bigot ( East ) held a slam breaking A1097.....98.....J1096 ...962
Not surprisingly partner's opening lead was the queen of hearts, which Johnny Supremo as declarer won with the king. At trick two the spade switch went to dummy's jack , which Bigot pounced upon with the Ace. Slam made : no problem.
Johnny won the heart return, and cashed four top clubs, on which poor Bigot had to find a discard from either his spade or diamond suit. Whatever choice he made declarer was home making 2H, 4C, 4D and 2S.... or 2H, 4C, 3D, and 3S. Because Johnny had rectified the count Bigot was unable to protect both these suits.
The living legend turned to Bigot and said " That defence of yours was not so much heavy handed but naive. You really must get back to the basics of this game ".
" Listen up you smart arse......I assumed......quite rightly in my opinion..... that partner must have an outside honour to go with his 7 card heart suit.....therefore it seemed right to clear the heart suit.....but that brainless idiot was bidding on filth again ".
Johnny smiled. "There was no need whatsoever to rely on partner. If he has a quick trick in either clubs or diamonds he would surely make that in the fullness of time. Your first requirement was to stop declarer rectifying the count , by ducking the first two rounds of spades , if only to protect yourself from being squeezed. Declarer can only come to 11 tricks. This means you didn't need the minor miracle of partner winning a trick to beat the slam. "
As Bigot walked away to ask the bar steward for the muffle cushion , everyone could hear the same word being repeated over and over again.
" Bugger....bugger.....bugger.....bugger.....bugger..... "
Saturday, 17 May 2014
LAW REPORT : BIGOT-JOHNSON v. SLAUGHTER HOUSE BRIDGE CLUB ( 2014)
Yes , the unbelievable finally happened. Bigot was thrown out of his own club after falling victim to a mutiny carried out the rank and file members. Bypassing the requirements of a disciplinary hearing , Bigot had been declared insane and therefore stripped off all his chairmanship and membership rights. As a consequence he decided to sue for damages , and reinstatement , alleging wrongful expulsion , malicious persecution , defamation and general beastliness. Electing as usual to fight his own corner , the following extract from the trial's transcript reveals a crucial turning point in this remarkable case.
Counsel for the defendants ( CD ) : You Bigot-Johnson are completely insane
B-J : I refute that suggestion.
CD : Did you not break into Pantopod's house in the dead of night.. and steal his king-size duvet ?
B-J : No...
CD : A crime which you avoided prosecution..... by means of a big cover up
B-J : No comment....
CD : And look at you now .....still dressed up like the ancient mariner with that ridiculous striped top, flared white trousers and ludicrous white cap
B-J : I was never able to get hold of an Admiral Nelson's outfit
CD : And what about the time a butterfly landed on your hand during a game of duplicate .....whereupon you began to gently stroke it
B-J : What's insane about that ?
CD : Before you ate it
B-J : God....is that all the evidence you've got to establish the fact I'm bonkers
CD : Far from it......because on the same night you wiped your dirty brown sticky fingers on your partner's white summery dress
B-J : The men's toilet had run out of paper ....
CD : Ah , but not let's forget that on every occasion of a full moon , you were reportedly seen going outside between rounds to howl and scream like a deranged banshee
B-J : Well, if you had partners like mine so would you !
CD : So please explain to the court why you conduct all the club's AGMs in the dark ?
B-J : Listen you muppet head .....when the only other option is to have a hundred or more faces looking dangers at you.....full of hatred , anger , contempt , and deep loathing......wouldn't you prefer to conduct the proceedings with the lights out
CD : Moving on....I have evidence to show the court that you have read dozens of bridge books on technique..... the content of which of completely ignore. You under perform ...even against rabbits....yet you claim to be a top player.....and you sponsor professionals to partner you , despite the fact they have complete contempt for you as a human being , ripping you off for thousands of pounds on each and every occasion
B-J : Those statements would describe dozens of other bridge players as well
Judge : I'm sorry Bigot....the arguments do strongly suggest you're a complete fruitcake
B-J : Hold on your honour..... madness can only be established when one cannot distinguish fantasy from reality ....or when one adopts the same course of action , with steady perseverance, in the belief that the outcome will be different.....completely oblivious to the fact that the result will always be the same.....
Judge : Yes.....yes....please continue...
B-J : Well , apart from me...... everyone spends their whole lives wearing strait-jackets of conformity.......pretending to be someone they are not........living up to other people's expectations and standards....simply to gain their acceptance and respect. In other words they live a lie.....a fantasy in fact ......refusing to accept and embrace the ugly , perhaps primitive , reality of who they really are..... that is what I call insanity.
Judge : Bigot ....I see where you are coming from. Why look at me.....I'm wearing a wig with a full head of real hair.......I'm described as sitting on a bench when it fact it is a chair.....and I constantly fantasize I'm still a man when the reality is I have a serious erectile dysfunction problem. So yes....I declare that you are not barking mad......but we are.....and as a result I am prepared to award your reinstatement , damages and costs
B-J : Hoorah for that......and I must go over to my seat and thank the King of the Potato People for all his help and support during this trial
Judge : I can't see him anywhere....
B-J : You wont you silly bugger.....he's only 3 inches tall ....and invisible to those who don't know him personally
Yes , the unbelievable finally happened. Bigot was thrown out of his own club after falling victim to a mutiny carried out the rank and file members. Bypassing the requirements of a disciplinary hearing , Bigot had been declared insane and therefore stripped off all his chairmanship and membership rights. As a consequence he decided to sue for damages , and reinstatement , alleging wrongful expulsion , malicious persecution , defamation and general beastliness. Electing as usual to fight his own corner , the following extract from the trial's transcript reveals a crucial turning point in this remarkable case.
Counsel for the defendants ( CD ) : You Bigot-Johnson are completely insane
B-J : I refute that suggestion.
CD : Did you not break into Pantopod's house in the dead of night.. and steal his king-size duvet ?
B-J : No...
CD : A crime which you avoided prosecution..... by means of a big cover up
B-J : No comment....
CD : And look at you now .....still dressed up like the ancient mariner with that ridiculous striped top, flared white trousers and ludicrous white cap
B-J : I was never able to get hold of an Admiral Nelson's outfit
CD : And what about the time a butterfly landed on your hand during a game of duplicate .....whereupon you began to gently stroke it
B-J : What's insane about that ?
CD : Before you ate it
B-J : God....is that all the evidence you've got to establish the fact I'm bonkers
CD : Far from it......because on the same night you wiped your dirty brown sticky fingers on your partner's white summery dress
B-J : The men's toilet had run out of paper ....
CD : Ah , but not let's forget that on every occasion of a full moon , you were reportedly seen going outside between rounds to howl and scream like a deranged banshee
B-J : Well, if you had partners like mine so would you !
CD : So please explain to the court why you conduct all the club's AGMs in the dark ?
B-J : Listen you muppet head .....when the only other option is to have a hundred or more faces looking dangers at you.....full of hatred , anger , contempt , and deep loathing......wouldn't you prefer to conduct the proceedings with the lights out
CD : Moving on....I have evidence to show the court that you have read dozens of bridge books on technique..... the content of which of completely ignore. You under perform ...even against rabbits....yet you claim to be a top player.....and you sponsor professionals to partner you , despite the fact they have complete contempt for you as a human being , ripping you off for thousands of pounds on each and every occasion
B-J : Those statements would describe dozens of other bridge players as well
Judge : I'm sorry Bigot....the arguments do strongly suggest you're a complete fruitcake
B-J : Hold on your honour..... madness can only be established when one cannot distinguish fantasy from reality ....or when one adopts the same course of action , with steady perseverance, in the belief that the outcome will be different.....completely oblivious to the fact that the result will always be the same.....
Judge : Yes.....yes....please continue...
B-J : Well , apart from me...... everyone spends their whole lives wearing strait-jackets of conformity.......pretending to be someone they are not........living up to other people's expectations and standards....simply to gain their acceptance and respect. In other words they live a lie.....a fantasy in fact ......refusing to accept and embrace the ugly , perhaps primitive , reality of who they really are..... that is what I call insanity.
Judge : Bigot ....I see where you are coming from. Why look at me.....I'm wearing a wig with a full head of real hair.......I'm described as sitting on a bench when it fact it is a chair.....and I constantly fantasize I'm still a man when the reality is I have a serious erectile dysfunction problem. So yes....I declare that you are not barking mad......but we are.....and as a result I am prepared to award your reinstatement , damages and costs
B-J : Hoorah for that......and I must go over to my seat and thank the King of the Potato People for all his help and support during this trial
Judge : I can't see him anywhere....
B-J : You wont you silly bugger.....he's only 3 inches tall ....and invisible to those who don't know him personally
Friday, 16 May 2014
Wednesday, 14 May 2014
ANOTHER NEARLY ALMOST TRUE STORY .......( From Bridgemeister Gibson )
The historical origins of many words make both fascinating and interesting reading. Take for instance the word " SNAFU " , which according the Oxford English Dictionary means a state of chaos and/or confusion. This acronym was first coined by the members of the Slaughter House Bridge Club, when despairing of the constant chaos and mayhem that went on around them. For these poor beleaguered souls Bigot's hapless stewardship of the club was nothing short of shambolic, being politely described as "situation normal : all fucked up ".
Indeed , the acronym based on this phrase was yet another great example of English euphemism, designed to satirise an appalling state of affairs , by stripping off the veneer of comforting illusions and cosy half-truths , and saying what needs to be said , albeit in a pleasant and inoffensive way.
Needless to say , the members of the Slaughter House created a whole load more of euphemistic acronyms, none of which ever gained acceptance as legitimate words. All of them were variations on the same theme , reflecting the various different kinds of cock ups and catastrophes that can befall badly managed bridge clubs. The following list contains just a few of the best :
The historical origins of many words make both fascinating and interesting reading. Take for instance the word " SNAFU " , which according the Oxford English Dictionary means a state of chaos and/or confusion. This acronym was first coined by the members of the Slaughter House Bridge Club, when despairing of the constant chaos and mayhem that went on around them. For these poor beleaguered souls Bigot's hapless stewardship of the club was nothing short of shambolic, being politely described as "situation normal : all fucked up ".
Indeed , the acronym based on this phrase was yet another great example of English euphemism, designed to satirise an appalling state of affairs , by stripping off the veneer of comforting illusions and cosy half-truths , and saying what needs to be said , albeit in a pleasant and inoffensive way.
Needless to say , the members of the Slaughter House created a whole load more of euphemistic acronyms, none of which ever gained acceptance as legitimate words. All of them were variations on the same theme , reflecting the various different kinds of cock ups and catastrophes that can befall badly managed bridge clubs. The following list contains just a few of the best :
- GFU : general fuck up
- MFU : management fuck up
- TOFU : typically outrageous fuck up
- SAMFU : Self adjusting management fuck up
- SUSFU : situation unchanged still fucked up
- TARFU : things are really fucked up
- FUBAR : fucked up beyond all recognition
- SAPFU : surpassing all previous fuck ups
- TUIFU : the ultimate in fuck ups
Monday, 12 May 2014
A NEARLY ALMOST TRUE STORY........ ( From Bridgemeister Gibson )
For decades a rather over worked phrase " yarmouth man " has been used to describe players regularly attending , and blighting , bridge clubs in and around the Norfolk area of England. In recognition of its popular and widespread use , the phrase has finally been added to the latest edition of the Bridge Players' Glossary of Terms.
Players who fit the definition of yarmouths are those " constantly shouting at inept partners holding the insane belief that the louder they speak, the more likely these numpties will listen and take on board their criticisms ". Indeed , the first recorded incident , when this term was first coined , occurred at the 1954 Swiss pairs tournament in Norwich. A certain foul mouthed gentleman rose up from his seat to lambaste his hapless partner for a full five minutes , before two TDs were able to calm him down. At a nearby table one little old lady was heard to say " I bet you any money he's a Yarmouth man " , a description of course which then became synonymous with that dreadful kind of behaviour.
For decades a rather over worked phrase " yarmouth man " has been used to describe players regularly attending , and blighting , bridge clubs in and around the Norfolk area of England. In recognition of its popular and widespread use , the phrase has finally been added to the latest edition of the Bridge Players' Glossary of Terms.
Players who fit the definition of yarmouths are those " constantly shouting at inept partners holding the insane belief that the louder they speak, the more likely these numpties will listen and take on board their criticisms ". Indeed , the first recorded incident , when this term was first coined , occurred at the 1954 Swiss pairs tournament in Norwich. A certain foul mouthed gentleman rose up from his seat to lambaste his hapless partner for a full five minutes , before two TDs were able to calm him down. At a nearby table one little old lady was heard to say " I bet you any money he's a Yarmouth man " , a description of course which then became synonymous with that dreadful kind of behaviour.
Sunday, 11 May 2014
NEWSFLASH : BIGOT-JOHNSON IGNORES WORDS OF WARNING CONFIDENT IN HIS BELIEF THAT WHAT LIES AHEAD IS JUST PLAIN SAILING................
( Postscript : There's an old proverb which river-faring navigators were always told to remember ....." Look before the fall ". But true to form when Bigot was brought to court to face criminal negligence charges , he vehemently argued " my map simply showed a right-angled bend in the river ! " )
( Postscript : There's an old proverb which river-faring navigators were always told to remember ....." Look before the fall ". But true to form when Bigot was brought to court to face criminal negligence charges , he vehemently argued " my map simply showed a right-angled bend in the river ! " )
Saturday, 10 May 2014
BRIDGE BOOKS TO TICKLE YOUR FANCY...... ( As recommended by Pun )
- You Should Have Seen The Hand I Picked Up The Other Night..........Ariel Belter
- With All These Resignations Committee Posts Are Up For Grabs.....Annie Taikers
- My Partner's Been Threatening To Burn The Clubhouse Down...........Egor N. Dunnett
- Bigot-Johnson Has Found A New Way Of Financing The Club...........Poppy Fields
- Can You Please Speed Up And Play As Fast As You Can !..............Pat A. Cakeman
- Someone Needs To Tell That Player To Stop Rabbiting On..............Hugo Furst
- She Wasn't Fazed At All By Having To Play Against The Best............Helda Nurv
- Why Is She Desperately Looking For Another Partner ?..................Herman Lefter
- Bridge Is Not A Game For Those With Cardiac Muscle Problems.......Dickie Haart
- What Punishment Have The Committee Dreamed Up This Time ?.......Bea Heddin
Friday, 9 May 2014
WHAT PRIVATELY OWNED BRIDGE CLUBS WILL HAVE TO DO TO SURVIVE
Several questions arise when discussing
today’s Bridge Club’s survivability. What is causing them to
fail? What can they do to avoid insolvency? What is the attitude
towards Bridge Club lifestyle by the next generation of players? Just to
mention a few.
So why are bridge clubs losing members by the dozen in an aging society ? For if the game of bridge appeals to older people then there must be a bigger market to aim today than ever before. So which generation needs to be targeted as the best potential market for new members ? Gimmicks or tricks are not certainly not going to work on the over 40 year olds for sure. There have been a number of initiatives put into place over the years to court younger members, but none have long lasting effects. The solutions to Bridge Club survivability will come once committees see they have to change direction.
So why are bridge clubs losing members by the dozen in an aging society ? For if the game of bridge appeals to older people then there must be a bigger market to aim today than ever before. So which generation needs to be targeted as the best potential market for new members ? Gimmicks or tricks are not certainly not going to work on the over 40 year olds for sure. There have been a number of initiatives put into place over the years to court younger members, but none have long lasting effects. The solutions to Bridge Club survivability will come once committees see they have to change direction.
If clubs are to survive they will need to
offer things the current and future members want or need. How they do
this is to take a look at the problems they currently have and not brush away
what is not working until they understand why they are not working. From that
review will come the answer to the questions on what clubs will have to do to
survive. When members’ attendance for instance starts to drop off , ask them
why the bridge experience is losing its appeal.
So lets take a look at what some of the
problems bridge clubs have that threaten their existence and where there are
opportunities for change.
Aging Membership
It is true that many clubs failed fail
miserably in marketing department given the limited resources and know how at
their disposal. Recruitment to membership through putting on bridge classes
seems to be their one and only marketing initiative. For the most part
fail to have a marketing plan and see no need for one , since they rely on their members to recruit
new ones. That depends of course on members feeling positive and
enthusiastic about their club . Word of mouth gave can be a powerful
advertising medium , but equally negative comments can have a devastating
effect.
If therefore the majority of elderly members ,
in the autumn of their life and having to leave the club for health or financial
reasons, is more than the current
members and class teachers can recruit replacements from their network of
students and friends , then a crisis looms large. Committees will be left with
looking outside the box for the first time to fill their membership books.
This means the older establishment in charge of the club , so often stuck in
their ways, must reach out further to
attract the younger generations to take up this wonderful game. But, will this
solve their problems?
Aging Facilities
Many bridge clubs are very old buildings and
need a tremendous investment to undertake the complete reconstruction of their
infrastructure. Why these clubs let their facilities get near
dilapidation usually is based on a bad decisions by committees years
before. Of course, that ‘Stuck in their ways’ attitude comes up many
times as a reason.
With a declining membership the funds needed to
completely rebuild and refurbish clubhouses are just not going to be
available. This situation does not make recruiting younger members an easy
task.
Debt Ridden
In the age of austerity, bridge clubs are
sucking in the air of failing economies. More donations are required
along with new revenue streams and profit centres. The facilities need to be put
to additional or alternative uses. If club houses are privately owned then any
spare room capacity could be rented out to other businesses, clubs and societies. For example yoga classes ( for all those
bridge members who want to keep their bodies are supple as their minds would be a very complimentary option. Moreover
turning the club into a mind sports centre, which perhaps encourage those who
are into chess, scrabble and war games to help expand the membership base. All committees need to take a hard look at
their options and get proactive by selling their club to a wider market , rather
than throwing in the towel and allowing membership numbers to fall.
Boring
Bridge is and should always be promoted as a
wonderfully addictive game , which has huge appeal and endless fascination for
those who relish mental challenges and problem solving scenarios.
The game must never therefore be allowed to be used in the same sentence as
boring. This requires club
administrators to instil a reasonable tempo in completing boards , and cracking
down on serial slow players. When table movements are held up repeatedly by the
same slow players , boredom and irritation quickly set in.
Still, the loss of older members and the costs
of infrastructure replacement will result in these troubled clubs becoming acutely aware of the importance of recruiting new members , because adding more members will help balance the
operations budget.
So, what else is needed to place privately owned bridge clubs on a solid footing to cater for the next generation of bridge players?
Other Things That Might Work
1.
Rewards for members who introduce guests to the club, who then
go on to join
2.
Discount subscriptions and table money for young members for the
first three years
3.
Membership for the day , week , month and year
4.
Handicap
competitions which give all pairs an equal chance of winning
5.
Breaking
up of cliques and better integration of new members with older established ones
6.
Improved
communication and a real open and transparent dialogue with members
7.
Listening
to members and initiating changes they ask for
8.
Evolving
an environment with promotes healthy , fair competition , lively social banter
and a real sense of belonging
The solution to a club's survival stands
on meeting the next generations wants and needs and these wants and needs are
based on their social wants and needs. Private clubs need to look to
helping the members improve their enjoyment of the facilities, and to
justify the cost of being a member by providing a deeper purpose of staying on
as a member of that club. The status quo has to be stopped and positive
changes made in order to convince players that bridge has so much more to offer.
Thursday, 8 May 2014
OPENNESS AND TRANSPARENCY ? THERE'S NO SUCH THING............ ( Article by Carp )
It never ceases to amaze me how those elected into office love to reaffirm their commitment to an era of openness and transparency. In my opinion , this pledge smacks of such blatant hypocrisy , one is left gobsmacked by the effrontery of it all.
The usual scenario for clubs and societies is that officers get re-elected time and time again on a tidal wave of apathy and inertia, with the vast majority of members unwilling to take on the reins of responsibility. Nevertheless , in AGM speeches the old chestnut of " striving to be more open and transparent " is repeatedly banged out as the hallmark of the committee's ongoing commitment to be honest and accountable . Hollow words and false sentiment indeed.
The reality of the situation is very , very different. New elected committee members are immediately instructed by the more senior officers " that what goes on in committee stays in committee ". Moreover , the confidentiality of information becomes a sacred duty never to be broken. Club members must only to be told what they need know , and that the committee of course considers itself to be the best judge of their information needs. In any case members are much happier if left blissfully ignorant about issues or problems that might upset or panic them.
So when officers are questioned about what is really going on behind the scenes , the stock answer is " read the minutes of the meetings , committee notices and the AGM reports . What you need to know is all in there ". Now here comes the rub....
1. Committee meetings are nearly always conducted behind closed doors
2. Minutes all too often appear months after the date of the meeting
3. Minutes are kept so brief they say virtually nothing at all
4. Silence is always perceived as no misrepresentation
5. Minutes are skillfully worded in order to sanitise the dirty laundry that cannot be avoided
6. Decisions are mentioned but never the reasons behind them
7. Personal interest , involvement or motives behind decisions are never declared
8. Being economical with the truth is always the guiding mantra behind any release of
information
9. Only one-sided, highly jaundiced versions on controversial issues are published
10. Delaying the release of awkward information becomes the effective way of hiding it
11. Putting a positive spin on negative information is therefore the next best thing to burying it
Clearly , the aim of the game is to generate misinformation and/or disinformation so as to keep the truth from coming out into the open. Spin doctoring is not just the remit for accomplished politicians : it is a facet of The Human Condition. When knowledge is power , and control of the masses requires the control of information , how else would you expect rational people to behave ?
It never ceases to amaze me how those elected into office love to reaffirm their commitment to an era of openness and transparency. In my opinion , this pledge smacks of such blatant hypocrisy , one is left gobsmacked by the effrontery of it all.
The usual scenario for clubs and societies is that officers get re-elected time and time again on a tidal wave of apathy and inertia, with the vast majority of members unwilling to take on the reins of responsibility. Nevertheless , in AGM speeches the old chestnut of " striving to be more open and transparent " is repeatedly banged out as the hallmark of the committee's ongoing commitment to be honest and accountable . Hollow words and false sentiment indeed.
The reality of the situation is very , very different. New elected committee members are immediately instructed by the more senior officers " that what goes on in committee stays in committee ". Moreover , the confidentiality of information becomes a sacred duty never to be broken. Club members must only to be told what they need know , and that the committee of course considers itself to be the best judge of their information needs. In any case members are much happier if left blissfully ignorant about issues or problems that might upset or panic them.
So when officers are questioned about what is really going on behind the scenes , the stock answer is " read the minutes of the meetings , committee notices and the AGM reports . What you need to know is all in there ". Now here comes the rub....
1. Committee meetings are nearly always conducted behind closed doors
2. Minutes all too often appear months after the date of the meeting
3. Minutes are kept so brief they say virtually nothing at all
4. Silence is always perceived as no misrepresentation
5. Minutes are skillfully worded in order to sanitise the dirty laundry that cannot be avoided
6. Decisions are mentioned but never the reasons behind them
7. Personal interest , involvement or motives behind decisions are never declared
8. Being economical with the truth is always the guiding mantra behind any release of
information
9. Only one-sided, highly jaundiced versions on controversial issues are published
10. Delaying the release of awkward information becomes the effective way of hiding it
11. Putting a positive spin on negative information is therefore the next best thing to burying it
Clearly , the aim of the game is to generate misinformation and/or disinformation so as to keep the truth from coming out into the open. Spin doctoring is not just the remit for accomplished politicians : it is a facet of The Human Condition. When knowledge is power , and control of the masses requires the control of information , how else would you expect rational people to behave ?
Wednesday, 7 May 2014
Sunday, 4 May 2014
DR. JOHN'S CASE NOTES : SYNCOPATION SANDY SYNDROME
Not many people have heard of this rare and unusual affliction, which was first diagnosed and named after a half-crazed musician set a world record for the longest stint of piano playing. For all those in attendance the experience was particularly unpleasant , having to listen to the same old tune being banged out again....and again....and again
In the bizarre world of bridge far too many players suffer from the syncopation sandy syndrome , forever droning on about the time they took a top off an international pair , or rubbed shoulders with one of the world's best . These , or any other rare moments of glory and fame , will be retold countless times , never allowing their audience to forget or overlook such treasured moments. The constant banging out of the same old stories quickly develops into an all consuming obsession, which completely dominates their conversations with fellow bridge players .
Indeed , one self-proclaimed professional up North is still beating his drum about how and why is bidding system is superior to anything else out there. Indeed , the one and only time the system actually put him into a makeable game , when no one else in the room managed to find or let alone get near , has now become the irrefutable evidence to relentlessly hammer home the virtues of his beloved system.
Not many people have heard of this rare and unusual affliction, which was first diagnosed and named after a half-crazed musician set a world record for the longest stint of piano playing. For all those in attendance the experience was particularly unpleasant , having to listen to the same old tune being banged out again....and again....and again
In the bizarre world of bridge far too many players suffer from the syncopation sandy syndrome , forever droning on about the time they took a top off an international pair , or rubbed shoulders with one of the world's best . These , or any other rare moments of glory and fame , will be retold countless times , never allowing their audience to forget or overlook such treasured moments. The constant banging out of the same old stories quickly develops into an all consuming obsession, which completely dominates their conversations with fellow bridge players .
Indeed , one self-proclaimed professional up North is still beating his drum about how and why is bidding system is superior to anything else out there. Indeed , the one and only time the system actually put him into a makeable game , when no one else in the room managed to find or let alone get near , has now become the irrefutable evidence to relentlessly hammer home the virtues of his beloved system.
Friday, 2 May 2014
THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARY REVISITED.......
- Result : fixing up a weekend congress with the fittest lady in the club
- Good result : a fruitful weekend congress when everything went to plan
- Bad result : confined to separate bedrooms
- Post mortem discussion : after match conversations destined to point the finger of blame elsewhere
- Deliberation : the process of examining one's options when bidding or playing the cards , which conveniently enables partner to determine significant features about your hand
- Delayed raise : an unfortunate state of affairs corrected only by a bigger dose of viagra
- Cock up : ( a ) regular occurrence when non-expert players attempt to make difficult contracts ( b ) when things go to plan at a weekend congress
- Bar room talk : a common practice in which to commit character assassinations without thought or temptation , based on subconscious impulses born out of prejudice and deep loathing
- Rabbit : an inept player blessed with the kind of ignorance associated with too much in-breeding
- Club chairman : an appointed officer with a roving commission to lie