HOW TO SURVIVE IN A WORLD OF BRIDGE BULLIES AND NASTY PLAYERS.......( Article by Bigot-Johnson ) 

I don't believe in the Nanny State placing the responsibility of  a player's mental welfare on the shoulders of altruistic minded committee members. Zero tolerance at the Slaughter House is a no-no. The onus is on all players to look after themselves. To man up. To stand their ground. To give as good as they get. 
Mind you,  I'm not without sympathy and concern for those who are numpties or new to the game , possessing delicate egos and wimpish character traits. I'm here to help them overcome all the flak and abuse which will surely come their way ,  by providing each and everyone with my special Bigot-Johnson's Survival Kit ( priced at a modest £100 ).
This essential kit consists of the following :
1. A small thin piece of hard wood to bite into prior to an apoplectic fit coming on 
2. A muffle cushion to scream into confident in the knowledge that others will not be disturbed
3. Valium tablets to help calm down growing anxieties and stress-related symptoms
4.  Heavy duty , metal capped , boots guaranteed to avoid injuries from those who love to step
     on a few toes 
5. Extremely strong pain killers should partner's relentless haranguing bring on severe and  
    persistent headaches
6. Ear plugs for when a rest is urgently needed from the relentless barrage of barbed  
    comments , spiteful remarks and nasty insults coming from partners and opponents alike 
7. A face visor in case of any airborne attacks by flying bridgemates  
8. A small pocket version of the Bible for spiritual comfort and inspiration to carry on against
    all adversity
9. A whole load of lucky mascots and charms in the vain hope one or two might work 
10. A large brown paper bag ( with pre-cut holes ) as improvised head-ware if wishing to
      keep one's identity as " that idiot player " a well kept secret