WALNUT TREE ALLOTMENT SOCIETY BC DISCIPLINARY APPEAL HEARING   ( No.59 )

Chairman ( C ) : Bigot....were you or were you not guilty of cheating ?
B-J : Of course I am guilty ....
C : So why in God's name are you appealing against the committee's decision to dish out a life-ban ?
B-J : Well....from my perspective.....cheating in this club is so commonplace it makes biblical sense to do unto others what they do unto you. Indeed , cheating has become part and parcel of the game of bridge we know today. Therefore , to single me out as a cheat smacks of victimisation , prejudice and downright vindictiveness !
C : Hold on a mo....this committee is on a crusade to clean this game up....and you Bigot just happened to be first in long, long line. Cheating is wrong and completely undermines the spirit of this truly beautiful game
B-J : You just don't understand this modern game of bridge...do you ?
C : How dare you ? Cheating has no place in bridge and there's no argument whatsoever in support of it ....
B-J : I disagree .....and so please allow me to state my case
C : If you insist......
B-J : To accuse anyone of cheating involves making a presumption. In my case it was alleged that my hand signals were used to convey unauthorised information to partner , and that I intended them as such. Since no-one ( but me ) could ever really know what was in my mind , any allegation of cheating on your part requires you to make a presumption about the mens rea which accompanied my actions.....
C : But you confessed.....to be a cheat
B-J : But not for that particular occasion which gave rise to the allegation ! 
C : Hmmmm....
B-J : So let's get onto the issue of  " cheating in general "
C: Let's...
B-J : Is it true to say that bridge is a game ideally suited ...even specially designed.....for players who think rationally and logically ?
C : Yes , I believe so....
B-J : Is it also true that people who take up bridge are encouraged , trained and dare I say conditioned to think in a logical and rational way ?
C : Yes....I guess so...
B-J : And is it true to say that bridge to a large extent involves CHANCE , especially given the fact that all deals are random......and that CHANCE is what determines how suits will be divided and where particular key cards will be located ?
C : Yes....I agree with that ?
B-J :  Therefore , it must be true to say that cheating is a rational and logical man's way of acknowledging that he knows of no other way of beating the laws of CHANCE ?
C : I'm still to be convinced....
B-J : Cheating is without doubt the rational man's answer to the great mystery of life. It is indeed the bridge player's answer to the great mystery of who is holding what.
C :  Hmmm...
B-J : Losers at bridge are weak people who simply surrender to the Laws of CHANCE , allowing themselves to be buried by random distributions and the unfortunate location of key cards. They seem bizarrely content to win or lose on the basis of something no more purposeful than a straight guess or a shot in the dark. But not me....
C : But good players never resort to cheating....they rely on their ability to work things out by processing all the available information to date
B-J : But these players are a minority.....not your normal, everyday , average , mediocre, humdrum players , who come to realise that the only sensible way for them to succeed is to attack the unexpected, to eliminate the unexpected and to control the unexpected. In other words....to cheat
C : Oh....
B-J : Allow me to make a comparison......In the world of high finance " inside information and insider trading " is everything. It is expected of all dealers if they are to make high profits for the company. To leave investment decisions to CHANCE can be fatal.... and if my pension ( and yours ) was put in jeopardy should things go belly up...then I say " go ahead and cheat " . Therefore , it seems correct to say that this approach is the only reliable way for traders to do their job properly. Similarly , the same underhand approach should also apply to bridge players 
C : Bigot...You have put up a most convincing argument to endorse cheating as a legitimate part of bridge , which according to you is within the spirit of the game......in so far as it stems from rational and logical thinking.....which in your view is the very essence of the game
B-J : Yes...yes...you've got in one
C : Well , as far as this panel is concerned the life-ban still stands. This club is on a crusade to eliminate all forms of cheating and those found guilty of it.....starting of course.... with you
B-J : So how many others have you got in your sights for banning ?
C : None....
B-J : What !!!!!...... So how come it's only me you want rid of ?  
C : We  needed a scapegoat.....someone we could use..... to make an example of .....and so the committee put names into a hat. They decided to let CHANCE determine who was for the chop
B-J : So let me guess.... it was my name which was picked out from the pile? 
C : Well , not really....as it happened it was only your name which went into the hat.....
B-J : That's cheating !
C: Correct.....but according to you it's perfectly rational , logical and legitimate
B-J : Bugger....