AN OPEN LETTER SENT TO A COMMITTEE FROM A MEMBER CAUGHT CHEATING ON CAMERA.....

Dear Committee ,
I am so sorry about being caught on camera cheating at the table. I really thought my timed doubles and hesitations were a foolproof way of communicating my point count. Obviously not.
I'm so sorry about letting down all those other club members , who regularly practice the dark art of soft cheating. Sadly , I have raised suspicions of those few honest players , who were once blissfully ignorant of what was going on around them.
I'm so sorry that I have put yourselves into an invidious and embarrassing position of having to acknowledge the problem , which indeed compels you to do something. I'm so sorry about letting the elephant enter the committee room. God , with so many others there I bet there's no room to breathe. 
Mind you , I was personally shocked and taken back by the fact a member actually caught me out when that damned infernal internal security camera was pointing at my table. Then of course he had the gall to check out the video tape for back-up evidence of my stop-watch antics. Heavens above, what the hell is this club coming to ?. Have members suddenly developed a sense of awareness along side a resurrected moral conscience ? 
But what's awful about this whole affair is that my dear old partner was mortified when he accused of being an accomplice and co-conspirator. The poor man was beside himself on learning that our so-called perfect system of communicating unauthorised information was far from perfect. Now he fears his results will go from bad to worse if made to play by the book.
However , it is important for you to remember that we are small tiddlers in a pond filled with menacing sharks with far more sophisticated methods of cheating than ours. We are just the visible tip of a dark , corrupt and immoral iceberg. If you choose to dig deeper into this endemic problem within the club , you'll be digging holes for yourselves. You see ....... I know what most of you get up to at the tables. Therefore , you can't allow yourselves to get carried away by making a dingo's bollocks out of this tiny unfortunate incident. 
Just accept my humble apologies , and do what all previous committees have done : turn the proverbial blind eye , or simply brush the problem under the carpet.

Yours sincerely,
                 Bigot-Johnson