MAKING A CLAIM.......( A heartfelt rant by Bigot-Johnson )

Slow players do my head in. In fact I hate them as much as a plateful of cold soggy sprouts. So when these buggers arrive at my table I know we will be a board behind the rest of the field. Consequently, the need to catch up requires me to win the auctions , and to make claims at the earliest opportunity. 

Making claims certainly speeds up the game. Moreover , it spares defenders from the agony of playing out a hand ,  especially when there's not even a ghost of a chance of making a trick. But do these slow-coaches rejoice at my efforts to win back some precious time ?  NO THEY DO NOT !

Many will argue the toss and insist that the hand is played out in accordance with the stated line of play. I JUST SIT THERE IN ABJECT DESPAIR.. 

Thank the Lord God I'm not allowed to carry a gun in the UK , because If I were bridge rooms would be littered with dead bodies of those who disputed my irrefutable claims. Once , when I made a claim I didn't state a line of play because I had more tricks available then there were cards in my hand. I had AQ of diamonds in dummy but didn't even need the Ace as a trick , but what did I hear an opponent say ? 

" Excuse me but I have a winning the king of diamonds ". My reply was as sharp as it was instant ; " AM I STUPID OR WHAT ? AM I LIKELY TO TAKE A FINESSE ?  IT'S OBVIOUS I'VE GOT ENOUGH WINNERS ELSEWHERE TO DISCARD BOTH MY BLOODY DIAMONDS  "

But guess what , the director is called over.....alarmed at my decision not to state a line of play. Unbelievably ,  he insists that I am now obliged to finesse the diamond queen , and lose to the tosser's king.  WAS I LIVID ?.... No , that would be a gross understatement. I WAS IN FACT RABID AND READY TO KILL. 

How come I was obliged to adopt this grossly inferior line of play, which only a blind brain-dead novice would make ?  If the rules require the director to impose a normal line of play , then surely " he has to take into account the class and experience of the player involved ?  So given my status as a canny player, what the hell was this evil , scheming biased director up to ? Who knows ....but what I do know is what caused his new Toyota corolla to go up in flames several days later !  

So my advice to all those who quite rightly want to continue making claims , in an attempt to speed up the game ,  can be outlined as follows :

(i) be prepared to grab your opponent by the throat , ensuring eye-to-eye contact , and state your line of play in such a way that he/she listens intently and understands fully 

(ii) and if all the remaining tricks can be harvested up in a multitude of ways , which you inadvertently fail to state one , be prepared to grab the director by the throat to remind him that his ruling to impose a normal line of play must respect you a serious intelligent player... as well as serial arsonist