A PERFECT PARTNER MUST BE ALL THINGS TO ALL MEN....... ( Article by Carp )

Many bridge blogs have attempted to define the perfect partner but all have missed the mark by a country mile. A perfect partner has to possess many virtues , if he or she is to satisfy the needs of the most demanding players. 
Indeed these demanding players look to the partners to fulfil a multitude of roles. The person who can fulfil the most clearly has the credentials to be classed as the perfect partner. The following list provides the most sought after attributes . These are to act as : 

1. A stepping stone on which to progress into the rarefied world of elite top class players 
2. A scapegoat taking all the blame for every bottom and below average score recorded
3. A punch bag who is forever on the receiving end of vitriolic abuse and insults from players
    who unfortunately possess both foul tempers and foul mouths
4. A crutch on which inferior players can stand firm when up against strong and ruthless
    opponents
5. A mirror enabling the players' movements and actions to be reciprocated and matched in 
    perfect harmony , as though the partnership understanding was of one mind being forever
    on the same wavelength 
6. A mute, unable to voice disapproval , or answer back, to anything said or done which would
    normally warrant verbal retaliation 
7. A sycophant who is well schooled in the art of boosting a player's ego and spewing out
    obsequious grovelling compliments
8. A toilet brush enabling all the shit that crude and dirty players leave behind to be easily 
    removed
9. A handkerchief to provide a distraught, emotionally crippled player the means to wipe clean
    his bloody nose , or the tears falling down his grief stricken face 
10. A rock on which a shipwrecked player can clamber on all , escaping a watery death when  
      others around him are lost at sea  
11. A dog who despite gross mistreatment and abuse will remain a true , stubbornly loyal and
      loving friend
12. A giant sponge capable of  absorbing all the information and instructions which inevitably 
      pours down upon him from above

Recently I spoke to Bigot-Johnson about this very subject , He told me that his partner " only possessed 6 of these qualities " which still made him by his reckoning " a complete tosser  
who is about to get the boot ". So this of course brings me onto the final and most noble attribute of all......

13. A hard bottom which can withstand the biggest kick up the ass ever likely to be
      encountered , should a swift and emphatic end to an unsatisfactory partnership take place