HOW TO SURVIVE THE GAME OF BRIDGE.....( Article by Carp )

The rigours of bridge are both demanding and unrelenting . So we have two choices. One is to play bridge in clubs totally committed to zero tolerance policies , where members are forced into strait-jackets of conformity. This of course turns the playing area into a benign , sterile environment. The other option is to MAN UP the members , developing their immunity to fight off all the shit that might fly their way.
The latter approach is the one chosen by the committee of the Slaughter House bridge club. Indeed , lessons in manning up are given alongside beginner bridge lessons to help new members in particular to survive in hot bed of bridge arenas.  This reduces the number of complaints to zero ( in accordance with the club's zero complaints policy ) since unacceptable behaviour , rudeness , bullying and other forms of misconduct are all treated with a nonchalant pinch of salt. Members there take everything in their stride having chosen to man up instead of moaning. This culture change has been readily accepted by both men and women of all ages.
But what then does " manning up " involve. Well  Ronnie , the club's top man , has been gracious enough to provide the definitive answer :

1. Always be ready to strike the first blow
2. Get it firmly into your head that attack is the best form of defence
3. Never trust anyone, even your partner
4. Speak and act with real authority
5. Remember that " wimping " is for wimps
6. Adopt an air of invincibility 
7. Look down on idiots , numpties , slow players and cheats with venomous contempt
8. Never let incidents get to you ( because in the context of the universe ) everything is
    insignificant
9. Recognise the fact that events are never predestined : everything that happens is 
    determined by a hotch-potch of random events
10. In the face of adversity show true grit
11. Keep a knuckleduster close to hand
12. Stay fit and take up karate