BRIDGE PLAYERS KNOW THEY'RE OVER THE HILL WHEN......

- getting up from their seats takes more than one go
- partners constantly diagnose everything they do as possible symptoms of ill-health
- fanning all 13 cards becomes a major problem
- they claim to know all the answers but no one bothers to ask the questions
- at least 30% of their weight is in just one place
- they have to rest immediately after bending down to retrieve a dropped card
- success has now become a case of not coming bottom 
- they constantly peek at their system cards in order to remember what conventions
  are on it
- members who warn them to slow down are all qualified doctors
- instead of combing their hair they focus far more on arranging it
- damp seats forever follow them around the room
- they yearn to wallow in nostalgia but they can't remember their past
- they suddenly switch from slating older members to now much younger ones  
- their idea of getting fresh air involves sitting next to an open window
- their perception of a quick bid is one that takes between 30-40 seconds
- guesswork now replaces logical deduction and analysis
- getting close to the table involves pulling in stomachs before pulling in the chairs
- the faces of their next opponents light up with joy at the prospect of some easy tops