THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARY REVISITED................

• Honour : a virtue which all cheats at bridge fail to possess
• Zero tolerance : a glorious opportunity for officious, small minded committee members to strut about the club house like pompous little hitlers
• Ace : a term given to a player who can handle a flying bridgemate with exquisite technique and skill
• Expert : a meaningless almost redundant term given the vast number of club players who profess to be of that calibre
• Masterpoints : a clever, devious scheme designed to suck large sums of money out of players who feel compelled to embark upon a life-long quest to climb up the rankings ladder
• Cheat : a form of low life , a scourge of the game
• Fit : what every highly strung player tends to throw when things don't go according to expectation or plan
• Shape : what most male members are out of given the fact that they spend too much time sitting down to play bridge , when outdoor pursuits would clearly provide a much healthier option 
• AGM : synonym for a farce 
• Minutes : an aptly named document so brief in its content it takes no time at all to write up
• Director : a person renown as much for their knowledge of the rules as their bias towards players of influence and prestige
• Count : what takes place during an altercation when one player knocks another player to the floor
• Splinter : a small piece of wood often found in a head wound after a player has been set upon by his/her irate partner wielding a heavy duty baseball bat