BRIDGE CLUB DISCIPLINARY SUB-COMMITTEE MEETING No. 53.... At long last Bigot-Johnson had been caught out. This time he was in big trouble, after one member took it upon herself to report an alleged infringement at her table involving a rather dubious bidding tactic. The nature of the complaint centred on the use of an illegal convention, cleverly devised ( and apparently frequently used ) by Bigot. This allegation had finally come before the committee members, who were very keen to hear his side of the case. An extract from the hearing's transcript can be seen below:

• Com : " Can you please confirm the following facts relating to this incident ? On board 17, your RHO opponent opened one heart, whereupon you stepped in with an under-call of 1D !! After the TD was called, it was agreed by all parties for you to make the bid good.......which you duly did by converting to 2 diamonds."
• B-J : " Correct......but what is so wrong about that ? "
• Com : " Your RHO opponent could not help but notice your partner's marked reluctance to enter the bidding despite his 3 card diamond support and useful values. Had he sussed that your original under-bid reflected a poor hand with a poor suit ? "
• B-J : " You would have to ask him that question. I couldn't possibly comment."
• Com : " Well, our enquiries have shown that you have made this type of under-call on several other occasions when the 5 card suit is weak. Yet... all your 2 over 1 overcalls reveal a suit which is of excellent quality. Even impartial observers would have grave doubts about your bidding being ethical...let alone honest."
• B-J : " Co-incidences, I would like to remind you, are more commonplace than you think. On some occasions I clearly missed the opening bid , and of course , if the vulnerability is favourable I will always try and stick a bid in, no matter how weak the hand, and how wretched the suit."
• Com : " That is how you may see it, but our evidence does suggest a pattern...."
• B-J : " Well, that may be difficult to prove...for you muppets"
• Com : " Perhaps not....because your rather astute opponents decided to pick up your abandoned convention card from the waste paper bin.......and although it had been torn to shreds following your usual pique of anger, it was carefully pieced together to reveal a most unusual acronym listed amongst " other conventions". The acronym in particular was SCUD (as in missile). So please enlighten us as to what it stands for ? "
• B-J : " No idea...I've completely forgot."
• Com : " Thankfully for us, your partner on that night has a much better recall of it.......and his explanation was that it stands for SUIT CRAP DELIBERATELY UNDERBID......He also recalls you waxing lyrical about how neat it was..... in that he would know exactly what type of overcall hand you have. And on that startling and shocking evidence we are obliged to ban you from all club competitions for the next six months. Have you anything you would like to say...? "
• B-J : " Bugger...bugger...bugger..."