( Many years ago Bigot-Johnson found himself kicked out of yet another bridge club, within months of having wormed his way in. This time, his misdemeanour concerned inappropriate dress. Despite the club having nothing in their constitution or regulations as to what constituted " acceptable dress ", the committee hit upon an ingenious and novel way of dealing with the problem, as revealed by the following extract from the hearing's transcript. )
Chairman(C): Bigot-Johnson, we are terminating your membership...... as of today
B-J : You can't do that !!
C : We just have.....
B-J : But on what grounds ? Heavens above..... I paid for all the dental work carried out on my partner's teeth, after inadvertently hitting him with a misdirected throw of a bridgemate
C : Yes, I'm well aware of that unfortunate incident.....but your sin.....to put it mildly.....relates to you being a blot on the landscape of this beautiful club of ours. You come here....week after week....dressed up in black flared trousers, a stripey-hooped T-shirt, and a mariner's hat, sporting that hideous big black moustache. Initially, members treated you as a joke, but now they can't look at you without feeling the need to vomit.....
B-J : Excuse me....this outfit of mine is a statement of who I am
C : Well, it's a statement that makes you look ridiculous.........like an 18th century french mariner who's several cards short of a pack......or a half-witted french onion seller who's completely unaware he has lost his vegetables
B-J : But what's wrong with dressing up like that ? I don't recall the club having a dress code of any kind ?
C : We don't .......but in this situation we don't need one. Under civil law your appearance constitutes a public nuisance, by virtue of being an eyesore. You're repugnant to look at......a repulsive apparition that blights the interior beauty of our lovely little club.
B-J : Your kidding me ?
C : I'm afraid not.....the law of the land defines nuisance as the unlawful interference with the peaceful enjoyment of one's properly. Your continued sightings at this club cause our members to get uptight and to suffer unduly....... thereby depriving them of an enjoyable night of bridge. In order to protect them, we are obliged to revoke your membership.
B-J : Well, don't think for a minute I'm going to leave this place without a fight. I'm straight off to see my solicitors...... Flywheel, Shyster and Flywheel
C : Oh....so you intend to go to court then ?...... Well, bring it on
B-J : I will indeed......you stupid buggers
( And on that note Bigot-Johnson waltzed out of the club with a swagger to his gait. However, when it came to the court case he made the dreadful mistake of turning up as that half-witted french onion seller. Naturally the case ended even before it started, with the judge sending him down for contempt of court. )
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