HOW TO KICK YOUR PARTNER INTO TOUCH WITHOUT EVER HAVING TO TELL HIM HE'S CRAP....................... ( A follow up article by Carp )

Yes......we've all been there......wanting to dump a partner, who unfortunately cherishes and worships his regular fourth Thursday outing with you. A partner who is by nature a decent sort of guy, someone who you feel is too delicate to be told the truth about how wretched he is at bridge.

Clearly other options must be pursued if one is too shake off this friendly leech for once and for all. Some clever ruse or strategy that will compel him to leave the partnership of his own accord. This will of course relieve you from the burden of giving him the hard and unpalatable truth about his woeful shortcomings.

So here are some of my top tips on how to severe the umbilical cord :

1. Discover his greatest fear and exploit that weakness to your full advantage. If for instance he happens to be an extreme homophobic, then come onto him in the strongest way possible. Indulge in lewd and obscene gestures of intent. Follow him to the toilet with that look of expectation and anticipation. This strategy should over time force him to end the partnership arrangement.

2. Develop the most disgusting and off-putting habits imaginable. Lower your standard of personal hygiene to near zero. Once you discover what makes him really squirm, milk it for all it is worth. Rolling bogies is a real winner, alongside inspecting lumps of ear wax you've gorged out from your hairy ears.

3. Endeavour to create and exploit opportunities to meet and converse with his wife or girlfriend. Follow this up with relentless questions about her movements, whereabouts and sexual prowess. Jealousy and deep suspicion will quickly poison your relationship, thereby guaranteeing the end of these Thursday outings.

4. Break the habit of this regular arrangement. Tell him you have joined a bible reading class that also meets up on the fourth Thursday. ( In reality you will playing playing bridge out of town under an assumed name ). Once he has resigned himself to playing with a new partner in your absence, start to return on an intermittent basis. If he makes no enquiries or suggestions as to " re-starting the arrangement ", then the path is clear for a complete Thursday night return to the club.

5. Spread false rumours about yourself which would embarrass anyone who knows or befriends you. If for instance he is very conscious about preserving his reputation as a non-racist, then spread the news that you have joined the National Front, and how passionate you are about ethnic cleansing by enforced deportation. Moreover, if your hapless partner believes strongly in the Christian values, spread rumours about your involvement with secret black mass societies, which engage in devil worship, bacchanalian orgies, sado-masochistic practices and general all round naughtiness. Once he finds your values totally incompatible with his, the end of your partnership will be swift and sudden.

Indeed, given the fact there are so many ways to skin a cat, then there is no reason at all to believe you cannot extricate yourself from a noddy. There is no room for such negative thinking. . All you need to do is get creative, get active and get rid. Putting partners out to pasture is as easy as " shelling " peas.