( For a second time in a month, Bigot came before Doncaster Crown Court. However, presiding over this case was Justice Ivor Lang-Pinkie, a renown gay activist. A short extract from the trial's transcript appears below. )
B-J : I would first like to say.........I don't recognise this court
Judge : Why ?
B-J : Since I was here 4 weeks ago, you've gone and had it redecorated
Judge : You like the pastel wall-paper ?
B-J : Only if I was a puff.....
Prosecutor (P) : May I begin .....?
Judge : Yes...please do
P : You Bigot-Johnson have been charged with a serious sexual assault on Percy Pantopod, who is still recovering in hospital from trauma and shock. The incident took place at Slaughter House Bridge Club, an establishment..... I am led to believe...... of ill-repute........ of which you are the owner and chairman.
B-J : Yes....that is correct
P : And after everyone had left the premises , you took extreme liberties with this rather unfortunate and inadequate member
B-J : How dare you sir......I've have you know my member is far from inadequate......it's magnificent
P : That I suspect is a wicked lie.....but I was referring to the Percy........
B-J : And so was I......
Judge : I've had enough of this ......
B-J : I'm sure you have......
P : So Bigot......why don't you enlighten us to your version of what happened that night......
B-J : I can't recall everything....I'd been drinking heavily all evening, simply to calm my shattered nerves. This bird-brained coot of a player ended up as my partner. All night he fouled up one hand after another. I've never witnessed so many cock-ups in his bidding. On weak hands... vulnerable..... he stuck his bloody neck out ...and got it chopped.....but then he would chicken out... with monster hands..... to bid and reach simple slams. Any coup that was perpetrated against him he fell for......not to mention going off in lay down games.
P : So then what ?
B-J : Well, after the session had ended, I went into the bar spitting feathers. I was desperate for a couple of stiff whiskeys. Then I left the building to wait for Percy, in the dimly lit area of the car park. When he finally got to his car, I jumped him. Grabbing him by his arms, I pulled him into the undergrowth, ripped off his clothes..........unbuckled my belt......to set about him in no uncertain terms.........but after that I don't remember a thing...
Judge ( jerking forward ) : For God's sake man.....don't stop now....just make something up if you have to.......anything will do.....
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