BRIDGE PLAYERS FROM HELL : WHAT PHYSICAL CHARACTERISTICS MIGHT THEY POSSESS ? WHAT THESE DEFORMITIES REVEAL ABOUT THEIR LOATHSOME PERSONALITIES ?........ ( A shocking but revealing article by Dr. Sigmund T. Schukelgruber )

• Brown nosed : arse-licking type looking to curry favour with anyone who can satisfy their desperate needs
• Big earred : forever listening into conversations which they are not supposed to, either to gain information for stirring up malicious gossip, or better still , information about hands yet to played by them
• Thick skinned : an innate ability to remain in permanent denial about their failings and shortcomings
• Sharp tongued : never having a kind word to say about anyone , least of all their partners
• Bare-faced : shameless sort, never manly enough to ever grow a moustache or beard
• Evil eyed : lacking in both warmth and humanity
• Big headed : an uncontrollable desire to brag and boast about any success at the table, no matter how insignificant or small
• Fleet-footed : always doing a runner, or making a fast escape when asked to face the consequences of their actions
• Pot bellied : over-weight, lazy by nature, relentless in their quest for sitting seats
• Bow legged : a condition of their weak bones, where buckling has taken place owing to the combined weight of a huge belly and an extremely large head
• Hairy arsed : when rattled displaying the manners of a wild, primitive, uncouth lout

Thankfully, very few bridge players from hell possess all the above characteristics.....but having just one is enough. The painful reality is that they are out there in large numbers .....therefore impossible to avoid.......obnoxious men, who will strive to spoil the wonderful experience this game has to offer .