LAW REPORT:

R v. BIGOT-JOHNSON

2002

( Several years ago Bigot appeared before Doncaster Crown after an incident at his local bridge club, which caused alarm and distress to those looking on. A short extract from the trial's transcript appears below. )

Prosecutor : Bigot.....you are charged with criminal damage in that you did deliberately, callously, and with beastliness aforethought smash into smithereens Percy Pantopod's most cherished lucky mascot.....a cute, little, bone china pig called Petunia

B-J : I did......but I can assure you it was an accident

Prosecutor : No it wasn't.....the witnesses have all confirmed that your actions were those of a cold blooded killer.....possessed with malice and evil intent

B-J : Hold on there.....am I the sort of man that turns up to friendly social bridge clubs, only to get embroiled in bitter altercations and arguments, causing unpleasantness and trouble all round ?

Prosecutor : Yes.....and I have a list here of all the occasions you have been brought to court on bridge related crimes...... plus every disciplinary hearing you've been summoned to attend as a result of your disgraceful and outrageous behaviour.

B-J ( Reading the list ) : My God......you can't rely on this.....the details are incorrect and full of inaccuracies.....why..... there are dozens of cases and disciplinary hearings you've failed to include.......

Prosecutor : To continue....... if I may......it was clearly apparent to those looking on, that during the 7 board round against Percy results were not going your way.....and you were becoming increasingly agitated and angry. You complained bitterly about your wretched luck........only to be informed by a rather smug Percy that this was all down to Petunia, his lucky mascot, sitting there on the corner of the table. At that point you clenched your fist, raised it high above your head....and then brought it down on top of poor Petunia's head........ it's too horrible too imagine.....

B-J : I Lifted my arm as a salute to the little character.....but unfortunately I had a sudden seizure....my arm went dead.....and gravity took over.... with my clenched fist..... unfortunately..... landing on the little pig.

Prosecutor : You sir are a liar...a bounder and a rotter......the fact remains the pig is in pieces...and as it happens.... so is poor Percy.

Percy ( Sobbing ) : Yes...I loved that little pig.....my Petunia......she meant everything to me. Without her...I have no friend....no soul mate....no one to turn to....and no luck to look forward to.....my life is ruined.

Judge : This is a shocking story, but correct me if I'm wrong ..... although bridge is supposedly a game of skill, luck still has a role to play. Moreover, it is a legal requirement ...if any conviction is to be secured,....that the accused had no lawful excuse to demolish the pig. However....if Bigot felt the pig was the instigator of his misfortune, then it might appear that Bigot did have lawful excuse.

B-J : Bravo ......

Judge : Bigot therefore destroyed the pig for his own protection.......

B-J : Yes...yes....I did it because I had to protect myself from its evil curse....the damn thing had cast an evil spell over me with its horrible googly eyes.....it made me play like a complete baboon. I had to destroy it....

Prosecutor : Your honour....he's just admitted now it wasn't an accident !

Judge : I know....I set a trap and he fell for it....

Prosecutor : Clever.......

Judge : Well, someone had to bring this trial to a speedy conclusion...the accused is as guilty as hell....it's all too evident that his poor results were simply a reflection of what a rubbish player he is....and what's more he's clearly suffering from a deep seated......you'll like this pun.... percy-cution complex...... 6 months in prison is what I'm proposing .....minimum

B-J : Bugger.....