LAW REPORT : R v BIGOT-JOHNSON ( AND OTHERS )

(  For the umpteenth time Bigot found himself up before Crown Court judge . Having been reported to the police by the Walnut Tree Allotment BC bigwigs , he and his despicable cronies found themselves accused of offences under an old , rarely used,  bit of criminal legislation . As usual he decides to defend himself, and a short extract from the trial's transcript appears below. )

 Prosecutor  ( P ) : You Bigot have been charged with offences under the Vagrancy Act of 1824...

B-J : What !.....Has the Crown Prosecution Service gone stark raving mad ! ......Goddammit , I'm a married man , who has a fixed permanent address....... although I must admit to having dabbled a bit .....here and there...... at various red light establishments in and around the city ..."

Judge : Any you can recommend ?

B-J : Well. there is one in....

P : Might I be allowed to continue.....

Judge : If you must.....

P : Bigot....you and your unsavoury associates have blighted the Walnut Tree Allotment Bridge Club with your odious presence and wayward behaviour . Indeed , the chairman of the committee should have reported you to the police years ago....

B-J : The bastard....

P : Not so.. ...I would describe him as  " an upright and upstanding member " , who wears a tie, has clean nails and goes to church every Sunday......

B-J : I would too....but Mr. Stiffy is a liar....for I am not a vagrant......in any shape or form

P : In your eyes yes....but in the committee's eyes NO ! ....You see....according to the 1824 Act you meet all the requirements of being a vagrant......and why might you ask ...

B-J : Well.... I do ask ?

P : A vagrant is a person who " wanders "  or trespasses into places he shouldn't be.....and as far as the committee is concerned that includes the club premises ...a place in which you were under a temporary ban. Moreover , a vagrant is one begs......and you have constantly begged for mercy and forgiveness on numerous occasions ......in a desperate attempt to retain your membership status at the club .  Also ,  I want it to go on record that the letters of complaint about you......sent in by shell-shocked, psychologically damaged victims..... all revealing in great detail your disgusting , abusive and bullying behaviour.... make extremely disturbing reading indeed.

B-J : Listen you..... I've been misunderstood....misread.....  and misrepresented 

P : And that's not all.....because you , Bigot , can also be classified as a vagrant by virtue .....if that is the right word....of your indecent and shocking behaviour in a public place .........namely the clubhouse, where you committed ..... amongst many other things........... the foul practice of " peddling "...

B-J : Peddling what ?.....

P : Foul , unfounded ,  defamatory and derogatory comments about the committee.......not to mention obscene , vile and poisonous literature designed  to irreparably injure and damage the reputation of the club.... and of course very provocative material ,  well capable of stirring up hatred and violence against those you view as your enemy....

B-J : Oh.... 

P : Moreover by arming yourself with offensive weapons....such as your sharp tongue , acid wit , pointed fingers , piercing eyes ,  clenched fists , and steel toe-capped boots ......you in particular satisfy all the requirements of being a vagrant !

B-J : This is preposterous........I AM NOT A VAGRANT........I demand an immediate acquittal

Judge : I take it you want to go home straightaway ?

B-J : Well, that might not be possible,  your honour.....my wife kicked me out this morning for domestic violence 

Judge : Ooops....so in other words , you are a vagrant after all.......shame....because I must now direct the jury to find you guilty.....leaving me the unpleasant duty of dishing out an appropriate sentence.  This as it happens requires me to have you branded with a " V ".....  and  imposing on you two years of slavery......as prescribed by the Act .

B-J : Bugger....