NEWSFLASH : BIGOT-JOHNSON TO MARRY AGAIN

Rumour has it that Bigot-Johnson has found his dream woman. The Slaughter House BC reporter has been talking to Bigot's bride to be. The young attractive twenty year old oriental beauty claimed her fiancé had all the qualities she wanted most in her pursuit of the ideal husband.
" He needed to be in his late sixties , with loads of money, and living in a nice house. A man who loves to play bridge every night , including weekends away. Someone with a zany taste in clothes , who loves to wear stripy T-shirts and silly hats. My perfect man must have a big conker of  a nose with a monstrously absurd black moustache underneath it. I want someone with a serious medical problem, such as a weak heart,  who I can look after and care for. But most important of all ,  a voyeuristic pervert who will get terribly over-excited at the sight of my naked body. Blokes like that are a rarity but I guess I've been very lucky ".     

TALK ABOUT DESPAIR............ ( another tale of woe from Bigot- Johnson's never ending bridge misadventures )

The other day Bigot played in a league match with his regular partner , only to suffer one bad board after another. Within the space of 6 boards the match was well and truly lost. The defining moment of their walkabout on Planet X occurred when they were defending an absurd 3NT contract,  given that the cold-as-ice , rock solid 5C/5D game should have been the preferred option.
Bigot held KJ632 of hearts opposite his partner's AQ84. Five tricks surely to the defence, contract down one ?  But no.....
On Bigot's opening lead of the heart 3, partner hopped up with his Ace . The opponent's bidding ,  along with dummy's void , clearly indicated declarer's no trump call was either based on a 4 card heart suit, or possibly a 3 card suit headed by the queen. 
If partner had elected to play the queen at trick 2 followed by another, life for Bigot would have been easy, but instead back came the heart four ! Declarer played low and Bigot took the trick with jack. But what now ?
Did the 4 promise the queen ? Surely not.... for the right play had be the obvious the heart queen , if only to remove all doubt as to its location.  In Bigot's mind to volunteer the heart 2 at trick 3 would the act of an insane man , especially  if declarer only had the queen left in his hand. Consequently, this pained and troubled man , who was clearly unable to figure out his partner's holding , decided to place his partner with a 5 card heart suit without  the queen. Then in a mad rash moment , he took the plunge by cashing the King, fully expecting to swallow up declarer's bare queen.  But no.....
His partner meanwhile on seeing the King  suddenly realised the risk of the suit being blocked , so cleverly pitched his queen underneath it. Declarer of course was beside herself with joy as her 10 of hearts was established as a winner, with 3NT rolling in plus one. 
Bigot was in a complete state of despair as another precious 10 imps was cast to the wind......        

SLAUGHTER HOUSE BC DISCIPLINARY HEARING No. 3468........

( Yet again another pantopod  was hauled before the club's committee headed up by the paranoid and delusional chairman , Bigot-Johnson. This time it was the turn of Pendragon Pantopod , who up to this moment in time had a track record of being well behaved , polite and gracious. But Bigot-Johnson wanted rid of this potential nuisance and irritant. From a secretly recorded tape, an extract from the hearing's transcript can now be published. )

B-J : Well Pendragon....you've been summoned here to answer a trumped up....oops , sorry.....I mean .....this trumpery charge
PP : What's that ?
B-J : A frail elderly member , with a very delicate and sensitive disposition , claimed you assaulted him in the bar
PP : What !......Who the hell was that ?
B-J : Me...as it happens
PP : I don't remember assaulting you
B-J :  Oh but you did....last Sunday night when you grabbed hold of my hand
PP : Yes...but that was to congratulate you on not coming last in the consolation pairs final....and although I may have been a bit over zealous.......that never amounted to an assault
B-J : Excuse me....but the initial investigation committee reported back that the tightness of your grip nearly crushed my brittle-bone fingers....and this was tantamount to an unwarranted and vicious attack
PP : But it wasn't.....there was no malice intended whatsoever
B-J : Excuse me yet again....because we have in our possession..... a superbly crafted 30 page dossier on all your past misdemeanours.......which in my opinion would convince even impartial observers....let alone a biased committee like this one......that your actions can only be interpreted one way....namely,  GBH with intent
PP : This is absurd....and I demand to know what's in this dossier
B-J : No....confidentiality wont allow me to divulge 
PP : But I insist.......
B-J : Ok....if I must......but I need to warn you now..... that all these reported incidents paint a very dark , disturbing and demonic picture of who you really are
PP : Hold on....how many of these relate to alleged misconduct at this club
B-J : Just 3...........so naturally all the other 389 are all relate to your misconduct outside this club....shocking and shameless behaviour , which clearly shows how impossible it is for you to remain a member of this fine and highly respectable club
PP : Such as ?
B-J : Surely, you don't need to know all the sordid details, which outline this wretched , wicked life you have led ?
PP : Yes....I do need to know 
B-J : So be it......it lists 27 parking fines, 3 speeding convictions , 4 magistrate court appearances, including a fine for urinating in a public place, 6 messy divorces where unreasonable behaviour was cited in all of them, 13 statements from ex-girlfriends who claimed unpaid rent and misappropriation of property, 116 school detentions, 3 work-related dismissals, 27 work-related warnings, six of which were final written warnings, 76 incidents of using threatening behaviour towards your neighbours, 7 cautions for being drunk and disorderly, 28 missed hospital and dental appointments, 14 restraining orders taken out by women you stalked and harassed, 6 recent sightings of litter dropping, 4 recent sightings of kerb crawling in a local red light district, 2 suspected instances of fly-tipping, 17 reported cases of non-payment for goods and services .....and 26 cases of late payment......
In short....you are an utter scoundrel and a rogue....a danger to the public , who clearly intended to cause me harm....and on the basis of this fabricated....oops, I mean fabulous dossier ....it is incumbent on us to terminate your membership from this club
PP : I protest....this hearing...this process.....it's not right..... anyone can see it was flawed, .....it was rigged......it was ruthless..... for you were clearly out to get me
B-J : By any means Pendragon........by any means   


    

NEWSFLASH : EDITOR OF THE BENIGN BC NEWSLETTER DECIDES TO PUT OUT A RIVAL BLOG TO COUNTER THE EVIL OF BIGOT-JOHNSON'S  " BIZARREBRIDGEWORLD " 

So here are a few words from the editor himself , Fuller Lovejoy.
" Yes, something has to be done to gloss over the blot that Bigot-Johnson has put on the landscape of internet bridge blogs. My new look blog, approved by Google's very own marketing department , will be called Beautiful Bridge World.
No more carping , sick toilet jokes , obscenity , sarcasm , and vitriolic abuse. No more pathetic sanctimonious platitudes from that bogus professor Hu Chi Ku Chi. No more degradation , defamation and defilement of the people involved with bridge. No more inane crap and poisonous asides.
This new and heart warming blog will be nothing short of clean , wholesome , innocent ,
endearing , delightful articles , bestowing the virtues of this great game and the people who run it. Indeed, the blog will be packed full with lots of interesting and fascinating stories about hands, bridge celebrities and charming little incidents , which will entertain readers immensely.
My church-going, law abiding contributors are all well respected members of the Benign BC , who are thrilled at the prospect of promoting bridge as it should be..........as opposed to blatant lampooning and piss-taking, which that reprobate Bigot-Johnson loves to indulge in.
The writers , listed below , are determined not to stand by and let this proud and noble game being ridiculed and treated with contempt :

Eve. R. Sopure                  Wanda Full
Troy Toby Nice                  Ivor Kindheart
Honey Dew                        Sue Sweet
Amy Cable                         Wyatt Dove
Bess Greetings                  Sasha D. Lite
Ima Goodie                        Will Makepeace                                                                      "       

DR. JOHN'S CASE NOTES : FABRICATUM PORKUS TELLA

This rather disturbing pathological disorder appears to be very prevalent in nearly all the upper echelons of all bridge playing fraternities. People who step forward to take on committee work , soon become obsessed with their status, and the power that goes with it. Sadly, the more important the role ,  the more likely they will display acute symptoms of this appalling affliction. 
Indeed , fabricatum porkus tella is seen by many psycho-analysts as a routine condition, especially within the ranks of the high and mighty. However , in the USA  the medical profession refers to this condition as mendacius duo-facia liarem. Even so ,  the one classical symptom  that doctors and professionals agree upon is that all diagnosed sufferers succumb to the following belief : " as God chosen representatives of this organisation, we are now the masters and owners of that organisation " . Ordinary members are then perceived and labelled as irrelevant  outsiders , or if the condition is far more serious..... the enemy .
What happens of course is that after several years of being power, key officers begin to sense murmurs of discontent amongst the rank and file members, which becomes more frequent ,  and more prominent as time moves on. Awkward questions are asked with concerned members demanding truthful answers.
This in turn gives rise to carefully considered responses  ,which can only be described as pure fabrication,  or at best very economical with the truth. Answers given are inevitably   vague, confusing, misleading, even distorted , being cleverly designed to keep the membership blissfully unaware and ignorant about what is really going on. Spinning yarns will be developed into the fine art of spin doctoring , where any slant can be put on any story or explanation.
Inevitably , when more and more evidence to the contrary starts to surface ,  ruthless attempts will be made to see that evidence is either discredited or suppressed. Victims with an acute disorder are now compelled to tell even more porkies, hoping to keep the fragile web of deceit  fully intact. Sadly , the most afflicted victims turn into pathological liars , but unfortunately for them there is no cure. The desire to deceive becomes so ingrained into their psyche  that compulsive lying becomes their way of life.       

BRIDGE BOOKS GUARANTEED TO GIVE YOU PALPITATIONS............. ( research by Pun )

• Under Attack From Low Flying Bridgemates....................N. M. E. Fyre
• Do I Feel Bad About Cheating At Bridge ?.......................Honor B. Blode
• What Should One Say To Players Who Cheat ?..............Callum  Swindlers
• I Hate It When I Lose Out To Numpties............................Dee Pressing
• Yes, When Numpties Beat Me I Feel Dreadful.................Sue E. Sidle
• Best Place To Go To End It All.........................................Cliff Topp
• Where Did This False Allegation Come From ?................Maddy Tupp
• Can Someone Explain Why Bar Profits Are Down ?........Hanz Hintiligan 
• Bridge Players Who Behave Like Football Hooligans.......E. I . Addio 
• How Much Dirt Have You Got On Bigot-Johnson ?..........Philippa Book
• Mystery Surrounds Death Of Percival Pantopod..............Hugh Dunnett
• I Always Call A Spade A Spade........................................Ray Cyst

BRIDGE STUDENT PUTS BIGOT IN HIS PLACE......

Bigot-Johnson as usual was milking more money from his bridge classes , than the dozens of bogus claims he regularly submitted for administration and travel expenses. This particular group were intermediate students who were still struggling to grasp the fundamental elements of the game. Bigot of course became more and more exasperated at their failure to execute a very simple squeezes. These students were in his warped and twisted mind complete tossers.
Finally, the big man cracked. " Let's have a reality check here.  I want all the inept and clueless bridge players in this room to stand up.... and to explain why they are complete numpties at this game ". 
After a long silence , one young man rose to his feet.
" Thank God for an honest student. So please me....and the class....why you consider yourself to be a complete numpty ? " 
" Well, actually I don't ", came the sympathetic reply, " but I was loath to see you standing up there all by yourself....."  

LAW REPORT ( CONTINUED ) : WRIGHT-HACKER  v. BIGOT-JOHNSON 1989

Another short extract taken from the trial's transcript ,  as the case took on a sudden and unexpected turn. 

Sylvester Shyster (SS) : So I put it to you your Honour.....and the court......that Bigot-Johnson stands only for truth and justice...
B-J : Hear....hear....
SS : He is a man of principle and high moral standing, who would never stoop to condemning people of crimes which they have not committed
B-J : Yes....I am a gentleman and a scholar
Judge : Shyster....as yet neither you.... nor your client..... has produced a shred of evidence to show that the content of the newsletter article was true. Where is the evidence to establish that Wright-Hacker was indeed a cheat and a bully ? 
SS : Oh....did I forget to mention......all the real evidence you need your Honour is to be found in a large brown paper bag tucked secretly away under your bench....immediately to your left. Wads of the stuff.....which I'm sure you will find very conclusive
Judge : Well.....at this point I need to adjourn the proceedings for at least an hour....in order to retire and count up the evidence....
  

LAW REPORT : WRIGHT-HACKER v. BIGOT-JOHNSON  1989

Having been accused of being a cheat and a bully in the club's very own newsletter , the once well respected chairman, Wright-Hacker, decided to sue the editor, Bigot-Johnson,
for libel. Moreover, he also claimed that as a fellow committee member Bigot had breached the club's sacred rule on confidentiality by revealing the alleged failings and shortcomings of other committee members. Contrary to usual practice, Bigot opted to hire a top class lawyer . Sylvester Shyster, a specialist in getting clients off the hook, to defend him in this high profile case. Two short extracts from the trial's transcript appear below.

Sylvester Shyster ( SS ) : Bigot.......you are a distinguished and highly acclaimed editor , blogger and journalist.....are you not ?
B-J : No.....I am not
SS : Hold on a mo......I thought we agreed you would say " yes " to that question
B-J : Oh my God....I completely forgot all about last week's talk on what tactics we were to use in court
SS : So Bigot...I need to put it to you that....in publishing this down-to-earth , hard hitting ,
blockbuster of an article......about the low-down, filthy , cheating habits of Hacker.....you were acting only out of the very highest of motives.....and out of a burning desire to put a stop to his obscene and despicable behaviour.....by broadcasting to all and sundry the risks they face should this amoral results merchant arrive at their table 
B-J : If you say so Shyster....but as far as I was concerned my real motives were based on the fact that I was out to get this man......... ever since he put in a complaint to a disciplinary sub-committee about my coffee-housing tactics and deliberate slow play.
SS : What the hell are you up to.....no way was that answer in the script ....you're cocking  up your own defence you big numpty
B-J : Oops sorry.....

( After Bigot had dropped a couple more clangers , it was the turn of Hacker's lawyer  
 Ivor Sorbottom to question his client )

IS : Wright-Hacker....I know that this must be very difficult for you to put into words.......
B-J ( interjecting ) : Yes....the man is a complete moron
IS : .......but would you describe your feelings on seeing your name and photograph in this newsletter article as being ones of intense embarrassment , shame , humiliation  and suicidal depression ?
W-H : No...
IS : That was meant to be the answer to my next question......which was .....are you a cheat ?
W-H : Yes....
IS : Are you sure about that answer  ?
W-H : No...the " yes " was to the first question......and yes , the " no " was to the second question
B-J ( interjecting ) : For pity's sake man.......you're worse than me at keeping to the script
Judge : I agree....and I think it's time for a long adjournment so both parties can revise their lines and re-shape their answers .....in keeping with the long established traditions of sharp practice and courtroom shenanigans

BIGOT-JOHNSON RESPONDS ANGRILY TO ACCUSATIONS OF THREATENING BRIDGE CLUB COMMITTEES WITH LAWSUITS.......

BRIDGE AND THE BLUES.........( A short article by Dr. Sigmund T. Schukelgruber )


John Lee Hooker, without a shadow of doubt , was one of the greatest bluesman of all time. But where did he get his inspiration from to write songs about pain, woe , despair and loss ? Well, my research has uncovered a fact which thankfully provided the me with the answer : he obviously had down-in-the-mouth, forlorn, long-suffering bridge players in mind. Tragic , desperate people who would have a real feel for the blues , being the victims of life's cruel tricks.
The following sample of album tracks were all inspired by , and dedicated to , bridge players , as the their song titles clearly suggest :
- It serves me right to suffer
- How long can this go on
- Lord what more can I do
- I did everything
- I just don't know
- What do you say
- Forgive me
- Call it a night
- I'm real real gone
- Keep your hands to yourself
- I wanna walk
- It's a crime and a shame
- I'm leaving
- Moon is rising
- Going home
- Turn over a new leaf

Yes, the blues tell a story....and the one above certainly describes the anguish and misery most bridge players have come to experience in their sad and unachieving lives.     


  

THE POWER OF WORDS : HOW BIAS AFFECTS CHOICE.........An absolutely true story by Bridgemeister Gibson

I once sat on a committee only to witness a fiercely determined group all ready and prepared to solve a difficult problem with guns blazing. Having been taught to seek compromise by occupying the middle ground , I felt obliged to challenge the decision, which was based more on emotions than sound judgement.
After the voting, I continued to voice my dissent and disapproval , by pointing out that there would be " problems " resulting from their decision. One of these problems , which everyone seemed fully aware of ,  was the risk of a possible lawsuit.  From that point onwards I became the enemy within the camp.
Even though my carefully worded comment was nothing more than a non-specific observation it certainly didn't share a similar definition. It wasn't even considered as a concern. Neither did it qualify as a warning. No.....it was received and later defined as " a threat ", such was the level of bias which was dictating the choice of words used by its uncompromising author.  

REBECCA ROOD'S MAILBAG............

Dear Rebecca,
As chairman of the Slaughter House Bridge Club I feel entitled to receive respect, admiration , reverence and praise from the members. But what do I get instead ? ABUSE
.....that's what !  Why the other day one woman had the nerve , the gall , the audacity , the effrontery , the bare-face cheek to call me " sanctimonious ".
I was flabbergasted. I was appalled. I was beside myself in anger. I was livid. But most of all I was perplexed. What on earth was this woman inferring ? So naturally , I looked up the word to ascertain what meanings could be attached to it. Well, I was mortified at all the negative human traits so often associated with someone who is a sanctimonious arsehole.........

- makes a show of being morally superior
- feigns piety or righteousness
- full of condescending platitudes
- a windbag
- a self-proclaimed expert on morals , ethics and rules of law
- wallows in self-righteousness
- hypocritically devout
- overly judgemental and obnoxious
- supercilious and uppish
- a fake
- claims to occupy the higher moral ground
- always adopts a holier-than-thou attitude
- self-appointed judge and arbitrator on other people's mistakes and shortcomings
- assigns blame , condemning everyone but himself
- patronising 
- a preacher who sets out to lecture others endlessly 
- possesses an highly inflated ego
- a despicable irritation

Naturally , none of above apply to me. So I was outraged and miffed beyond belief. This remark of hers was clearly incorrect....a wicked lie....the product of a warped and twisted mind. All I have ever wanted ( and demanded ) was that people would listen to what I have to say, accept their mistakes and failings , and take on board my wisdom and advice.  

So knowing me like you do , what do you think about her remark ?

Yours HBJ


Dear HBJ ,
She is absolutely right. It always takes one to know one.  

Yours sanctimoniously Rood

SO WHO ARE THE REAL SINNERS THEN ?...... ( Article by Professor Hu Chi Ku Chi )

Having just read an interesting and very thought provoking article " Living In Sheltered Darkness " by Judy Kay-Wolff , about some rather dishonourable characters who have disgraced the world of bridge, I would like to add a few comments of my own. These relate to four types of malpractice which blight the landscape of this most beautiful game, leaving the question wide open as to who are the real sinners ?

1. The perpetrators of any form of devious coffee-housing and cheating at the table. Such
     miscreants, like Adam and Eve , can be classified as the original sinners , or to use 
    correct legal jargon the principal offenders.

2. Those corrupt individuals who directly or indirectly profit by, endorse and encourage 
    any form of sharp practice. These reprobates I would define as aiders and abettors.

3. Officials and directors who ,  despite being in a position to take action against the 
    wrongdoers , elect to turn a blind eye as to what has been going on. These cowardly 
    and morally corrupt individuals are in essence accessories after the fact. Indeed, their
    complicity goes as far as harbouring, protecting and assisting the wrongdoers to escape
    both reprimands and punishments.

4. The silent majority who by choosing to ignore what is going on around them give their
    tacit approval for sharp practices to carry on unabated. By failing to report incidents or
    make a stand against them,  these head-in-the-sand ostriches can be described as
    accessories before the fact. 

If sinners are the product of a sick society, then cheaters for instance are the product of a sick and infirmed bridge society. For me , the real sinners of what is wrong with the game are those who have been empowered to take action against wrongdoers but fail to do so. Whether their motives are based on misguided respect , sycophantic creeping, fear ,  money or nepotism , it is their inaction which allows the cancer to fester and grow.        

LAW REPORT : BIGOT-JOHNSON v. WALNUT TREE ALLOTMENT SOCIETY BC COMMITTEE ( 2013 )

In a highly charged courtroom yet another claim of wrongful suspension was brought by Bigot before a taciturn and unforgiving County Court judge.
The chief witness for the defendants as it happened was a senior committee member , Pongo Pantopod Junior,  who ended up being questioned directly by the judge. A short extract from the trial's transcript of their encounter can be seen below . )

PP :  I saw him ( Bigot ) do it !
Judge : Do what ?
PP : Cause a spillage on the floor inside the gents toilet
Judge :  And the club suspended him for that ?
PP : Yes.....it was a clear violation of the club rule which requires members to maintain a steady hand and aim straight
Judge : But according to Bigot you were the only witness to this alleged violation
PP : Wrong......there were dozens of others
Judge : How come ?
PP : Well....we had a re-enactment which they all attended, and so in effect they did witness what actually happened on that particular night
Judge : And who took part in this re-enactment
PP : Just me.....I took the part of Bigot-Johnson , and I expertly choreographed the whole show 
Judge : Making no doubt a mess on the floor ?
PP : Unfortunately yes.....I had been drinking heavily all day
Judge : And Bigot was suspended for a year without ever being given a hearing ?
PP : Well , not exactly .....he did manage to get one..... 11 months later when an appeal panel was formed to review his claim that the disciplinary process was flawed
Judge : Well, it was.....
B-J : Well said your Honour
PP : But the appeal panel upheld our decision to suspend him stating that the process was fair and above board. No one on that panel wanted that disgusting,  toilet messing individual back on the premises at any cost
Judge : Yes....and now that you've mentioned costs.....I would like to point out the figure to date is well in excess of £200,000, which seems a tad excessive when Bigot could have been fined £2 for having the mess cleaned up
PP : Oh.....you mean....just make him pay a £2 fine......we never thought of that
B-J : That's because you gardeners are a load of brainless numpties
Judge : Yes....but since each party has allowed this trivial toilet incident to escalate into a full blown legal battle , taking both of you to the brink of bankruptcy , I can do no more than order each of you to pay your own costs
PP : Oh dear....
B-J : No...you can't do that
Judge : Never in my life have I seen parties to a dispute act in such a blind, belligerent and insane way.....when so many options existed to resolve this dispute quickly , cheaply and in an amicable way. Moreover , Bigot must be re-instated as a member.... but only after he has attended a 3 week toilet training course


( This skit was inspired by a recent law case reported in " The I "  on October 13th 2013, where a High Court judge hit out at the astonishing cost of a 6 year legal battle, which reached a figure of around £350,000. The judge said there was no explanation for the volte-face, when one of the parties backed down, and that he remained utterly baffled by the course this litigation had taken, and perplexed by the lack of clarity in their case. Commenting on the costs involved the judge went to say that this was an astonishing sum of money to spend on one case. Not surprising given the fact that the case involved 2000 pages of documents, including witness statements running to 740 pages. The judge couldn't help but remark that the quantity of paper could only be described as " inordinate ". ) 

AN AMAZING BUT ABSOLUTELY TRUE STORY....... as honestly told to Bridgemeister Gibson

I once met a chap who told me about his first and only experience of being on a bridge club committee. At the first meeting he attended,  he and a couple of other newcomers were cordially welcomed by the long standing and serving officers. Then immediately after these initial pleasantries were over, one of the senior grandees leaned forward, and to say a few words in a firm , authoratative manner........ with just a subtle hint of menace thrown in for good measure.
" You would all do well to remember that what goes on in this committee room stays in this committee room . "

So much for the openness and transparency in that particular club ! 

COMMITTEE MATTERS : OPENNESS v. SECRECY...... ( Article by Professor Hu Chi Ku Chi )


Openness and transparency are in my opinion two virtues which all club committees should strive to embody in both their work and decision making. Publishing minutes is all too often a token gesture that committees are obliged to make, failing to satisfy those who demand to know more. Such half-hearted gestures are a cop out. Minutes are no more than highly summarised and sanitised versions of what takes place at meetings, revealing only half-truths , one-sided perspectives, and non-incriminating facts about what is really going on behind the scenes. Minutes never include the reasons why decisions were made, or what the full ramifications and implications of those decisions might be.
The real benefit of openness  and transparency is that committee members become completely accountable for their actions and decisions. If they have been selected to represent the members, and to act as their servants, then the members are entitled to know about what is happening....and why. Committees have a primary duty to ensure the long term survival of the club, and this requires decisions to reflect that rationale. Members want to see a club that is thriving and successful , which means in effect that decisions should aim to achieve that goal.
Whenever secrecy raises its ugly head, there is good reason for one to be suspicious and concerned. Have committee members something to hide ? Are they fearful of revealing the truth about themselves,  or the true extent of the problems which could be engulfing the club ? When there is an absence of information , then rumours and malicious gossip abound. Ordinary members will question the motives and intentions of those determined to keep them in the dark. Has secrecy become an ill-chosen tactic,  purely designed to thwart those who are keen to expose the committee's failings and shortcomings ?
Although there are circumstances , in the interests of confidentiality, not to name names,  or cause undue panic and alarm, there is no justifiable argument to censor the truth in publicised material.  The reality is this : when hard truths are suppressed , the culture within the club changes towards the standard hierarchical one.  And should this occur then only those with the privilege of power end up acquiring the privilege of knowledge. The natural tendency is always for committee members to secretly look after their own , not to mention their most trusted supporters.  Not surprisingly, secrecy usually goes hand-in-hand with the twin evils of nepotism and despotism.
Secrecy therefore develops a culture where access to the deeper truth requires a higher status. Moreover, the privileged few soon come to believe they have the right to know, and therefore as the custodians of knowledge they are best placed to determine what others ought to know, or should be entitled to know. As a consequence, those outside the inner circle end up with limited rights of access, such as the minutes of meetings, posted notices and AGM reports. The perceptions now held are as follows : information should  be classified as a valuable asset, which should never be allowed to fall into the wrong hands, and if critics and adversaries get access to it , then the committee's power base ( and its reputation ) will be seriously under threat.
However, it is my contention that more benefits come from openness and transparency than secrecy. Members will feel reassured and valued for being included in the process , where they can have a say at the critical time , such as when tricky issues come up before a committee. Members have a right to attend and listen in on meetings, along with a right to be fully informed about the reasons behind difficult and controversial decisions. In such instances decisions  which might otherwise appear absurd or bad are more likely to be accepted as reasonable and sensible, especially when detailed explanations are given as to why those decisions had to be made. Indeed, when ever decisions are made with the long term interests of the club and/or the membership in mind, there is very little opportunity for the resident critics to voice their complaints.     
         

BRIDGE BOOKS WHICH ONLY MADE IN BIG IN THE FENS..... Research by Pun

• Hopping From One Lady Partner To Another ...................Phil Anderer
• I Like Partners Who Know How To Party...........................Barnaby Wilde
• People Say I'm Clueless When It Comes To Bridge..........P. Brain 
• My Life Time Ban Was Wrong And Unjust.........................Lemmie Atom
• Knocking Down The Walls Of Self Doubt...........................Jerry Coe
• When It Comes To Bridge You're No Man.........................Senior Willey
• After That Defeat I Need A Good Whiskey.........................Jack Daniels
• Someone On High Really Had It In For Me........................Angela Deth
• That Woman's Game Has Gone Right Down The Pan.......Pastor Prime
• Let's Hang The Bugger Who Threw That Bridgemate........Lynn Chimm 
• Couldn't You Get Any Committee Member To Back Me ?....Drew A. Blanc
• Bigot's New Club Has Banned Over 40 Of Its Members.....Wanda Hughes-Nexed 

CARP WOULD LIKE TO SAY A FEW WORDS TO ALL THOSE  " WHAT-ME ? "   PLAYERS,  WHO INEVITABLY PLEAD NOT GUILTY WHEN ACCUSED OF ACTING SUSPICIOUSLY

".....CHEATING IS A DELIBERATE CHOICE......NOT AN INADVERTANT MISTAKE...." 

NEWSFLASH : NO ONE  IT SEEMS WAS ABLE TO SHED ANY LIGHT ABOUT THE STRANGE GOINGS ON AT THE SLAUGHTER HOUSE BRIDGE CLUB'S AGM

 

LATER ON THAT EVENING AT THE SHBC AGM......

MEANWHILE BACK AT THE SLAUGHTER HOUSE BC
THE LATEST AGM WAS TAKING PLACE..........

NEWSFLASH : MORE VOTING SHENANIGANS AT SHENANIGANS....

At another not-too-well-advertised EGM at the 666 Shenanigans BC, cunningly convened by Bigot-Johnson's lackeys , a proposal was put forward to employ " bouncers "  to man the front door. Their job would be to refuse entry to anyone " who didn't fit the bill ". Such a proposal allowed the club committee in effect to exercise their right to bar entry to anyone they perceived as undesirable.
However, a sizeable group of members got wind of this development and they turned up in droves to attend this EGM, ready to scupper Bigot's plans. After fierce debate the proposal was put to the vote, and immediately after the counting the results were announced : those in favour 37 plus the 16 proxy votes , those against nil , and 3 abstentions.
" Hold on a mo..." screamed an irate member from the back of the room. " I voted against this proposal .....so how come it's not mentioned in the count ?  In fact there are 120 members present in this room tonight, and to my knowledge there was a large number who voted along with me. So what the hell have you done with the " no " votes.
Bigot stood up, smug faced and full of glee : " Eighty voting slips were spoilt and were therefore discounted.....or should I say discarded straight into the bin. They were all incorrectly filled out ...."
" What....I know I put my cross right in the middle of the box ! "
" Yes, and so did 79 others....but you suckers had not bothered to read the notice placed outside this room, which laid down the rules about how to fill in the voting slips. This notice clearly stated that crosses must be placed " on " the box to be valid , and so anyone putting them " in " the box would have spoilt their vote. "
" This is an outrage "
" Rules are rules .......and with great vision and forethought , I had already planned for this proposal to be implemented tonight.........and so would someone kindly send for the two bouncers, who I believe have just arrived.... to come in and have this obstreperous arsehole removed from the premises...."

JOHNNY SEES THE DANGER...........

The other night I witnessed a great mind at work ,  when Johnny Supremo set about defeating a 4S contract. South had opened the bidding 3S , doubled by Johnny sitting West, and then 4S from North which ended the auction. 
Holding Ax....AKQx.....QJ10.....Q109x ,  every West in the room kicked off with K of hearts, and with dummy ( North ) revealing Q9....J10xx.....xxxx.....AKx ,  there were still 5 outstanding hearts to be accounted for. When East revealed an odd number in the suit , it was fairly obvious that declarer was sitting there with a losing doubleton.
At trick 2 the Ace of hearts was played confirming the 4-4-3-2 distribution in that suit. At this point all the Wests decided against continuing hearts for fear of setting up dummy's jack, and so they all switched to queen of diamonds as the logical choice.....but now 4S tick for declarer appeared on every line of the score-sheet . For when the diamond Queen was taken by declarer with his Ace, it was time to set about clearing trumps in two rounds, putting West again on lead. A second diamond was routinely ruffed by South, who simply played out all the remaining spades. Every West was forced to squirm in his seat , squeezed to death , being unable to guard both hearts and clubs.
But not at Johnny's table. He could see the pending squeeze a mile off.   If Declarer held 3 clubs in the Jack ( which in fact  he had ), then his best line of defence was to simply remove the heart menace. At trick 3 he continued with the queen of hearts , which was gleefully ruffed by declarer. But as soon as spades were played, Johnny rose with the Ace to play a fourth heart. This was ruffed by partner with his remaining trump, and although the inevitable over-ruff took place, declarer was condemned to concede a losing club.
What vision...... what great defence..... what a player. And if Johnny Supremo isn't nominated for the Bridge Hall Of Fame , then all I can say is.... there ain't any justice left in this bizarre world of bridge !

( Declarer's hand was KJ10xxxx....xx....A....Jxx )