BIGOT-JOHNSON REPLIES........
(  Having just received a letter from the club secretary informing him of a pending disciplinary hearing in regards to a complaint about his table manners , Bigot felt it necessary to reply to " Madame Guillotine " in no uncertain terms. )

Secretary , 

No way can you expect me to put on this strait-jacket of conformity , which now appears to be key part of the club's authoritarian approach to controlling the members . Fools who conform to this 1984 nonsense are,   of course ,  all completely insane . No one in his right mind would willingly succumb to the club's draconian zero tolerance policy rules . Therefore , it should come as no surprise that I intend to remain a free spirit ,  prepared as ever to call a spade a spade.
Nevertheless , I am fully aware that my club membership hangs by a slender thread following this unfortunate incident in which I tried to ram my pointed pencil into fat Stanley's strumming hand. According to you this was " conduct unbecoming to the dignity of the association ".
Well , first off what about his annoying and provocative behaviour of strumming his fingers on the table top. This inane piano playing simulation really got my gander up and I had to do something to stop it. Verbal requests fell on his deaf  ears. Consequently ,  direct action was called for.
Secondly , it wasn't as if I succeeded. Despite his immense , grossly offensive bulk , this human eye-sore had the reflex responses of a fast moving fly. Moreover , there wasn't a single mark on his fat puffy-looking hand , and I don't think he suffered any physical damage whatsoever  ( more's the pity ! ). 
But what can you do when opponents wilfully set out to rattle my cage and employ cunning psychological ploys to put me off my game ?  I'm the victim here....not that obese oily toe-rag , who will get more than a sharp pencil thrust into Michelin tyre torso , once I track the elusive bastard down. 

Yours full of good intentions, 
                             Howard Bigot-Johnson